Thanks for Showing Up

Hello,

I know I've been quiet.  I hope anyone who might read this is doing well!

Life has been good and blessed and busy.  My son and I went on vacation to Disney World with my immediate family and it was a fun and exciting time.  I love Disney World.  I wish I could live there or visit three time a year!  I've been blessed to take my son three years in a row though, and I hope to go next year too.  Disney is the perfect vacation for us especially since my son has only just turned seven years-old so everything is magical for him!  The weather in Florida was absolutely perfect every single moment we were there which was a huge blessing.  Overall I did not want to come home...

But we came home to game seven of the world series, and I am a life-long Cubs fan who comes from a long line of life-long Cubs fans so the excitement continued once we got back home.  The "Disney Blues" were somewhat eased by the sound of "Cubs win!  Cubs win!" and all the fireworks going off throughout the neighborhood and, well pretty much everywhere!  My son turned seven two hours after the Cubs big win and he woke for a moment to peek outside at the fireworks and tell me, "This is the best birthday gift ever.  The Cubs won the world series" and then he sleepily fell back to sleep.  He has not had an actual birthday party for a few years since we've been in Disney near his birthday since 2014 but this year we did have a party for him at the local bowling alley and he had a blast, so life has been good.  Fun.  "Happy" you could say.  I've been happy.  I've been working hard to be thankful for all of the goodness in my life.  Happy times.  Fun stuff.

But I still miss James.  I can't help it.  My focus has been far from perfect.  The quiet pushes me and pushes me.  I'll never be able to accept the silence and be thrilled with it.  I want to talk with James so badly that it eats at me all the time.  In Disney I did not want to focus on any of this at all but of course right when I got there I saw a man staying at our hotel who was the spitting image of James {even my sister agreed when she saw him} and I kept seeing him so it made it pretty hard to let it go even while on vacation.  I get really confused- like maybe I am supposed to remain focused on him, in a good way of course, and signs like this are to remind me?  I don't always know.

And I have not been focusing well.  As I said the quiet pushes me and then my brain wanders off and thinks "bad" or doubtful things and I can pretty well assume when I have doubtful thoughts about James or his feelings for me I then keep him away.  And it is a vicious cycle because the longer the silence continues the easier it is to let my thoughts stray.

And it really is all me.  I can't blame anyone or anything else.  It is my mind and my thoughts, and it makes me feel pretty badly knowing that I am having a hard time keeping my shit under control because James was nothing but kind to me when he was in my life, and it was only this past spring that he told me "You're right.  I do love you and I always have.  I want you in my life.  Accept that."

Accept that.

So my continued goal is to keep my focus on really knowing he loves me and wants me no matter how the "external" circumstances appear.  Most of us in this situation go through similar experiences, the quiet, etc.  I know it is for a "reason."  I feel like... this man wants to know me.  He always wanted to talk to me.  He loved talking to me and any chance he had of talking to me- he took it.  But I miss him dearly, and that missing him tears me up inside.  All I can do is continue to miss him, continue to desperately want to speak with or see or spend time with or be with my friend and love again, all while holding on to the fact that he is a good man and he does love me and wants me too. 

I've had to simplify this connection in my mind in order to accept it and keep working at it.  For me it is only about us, him and I, and our love for each other.  He is the only part of this that matters to me whatsoever.  If there is a "twin soul mission" then for me it is James and only James.  He is the one who was here with me, always holding my hand, constantly being sweet and sending me loving messages and being gentle and considerate to me.  He was the definition of a gentleman with me, and he was good to my son too.  I've said that a million times on this blog but the truth is so mind-blowing to me.  James was nothing but wonderful to me.  He tried SO hard, and it makes me cry to think of it.  All he wanted to do was be close to me and be good to me.  He loved being close to me just as I loved being close to him.  We were very happy to sit on my couch and just talk, kiss and hold each other.  Giggling and kissing, and it was my own personal Heaven.  I was the happiest with James, the happiest EVER.  Totally blissful.  But the thing is- I know he felt the same way about me.  I felt it in him.  I can look back in my mind and know, clearly know, that he was "attached" to me {in a good way} and he looked forward to being with me.  He needed to see me, wanted to be close to me, and he made me a priority because he wanted to.

And I know he wanted me in his life, and I know he still does.  I know that he misses me too.

I have to keep my concentration and focus on truth and love, and it is so easy to let my mind wander off and wonder and doubt and overthink and blah blah blah.  And all the while we stay apart and it is killing me inside.  As I always say- I have blessings for which I am very thankful but those blessings do not take away the sadness I feel over being apart from the love of my life.  I am thankful for knowing James.  I am so happy he came into my life, so happy the love of my life showed up, the one who showed me the best love ever.  I am thankful for the huge love he showed me, and methinks this has been a really large personal experience in owning my truth and being forced to keep my focus on what I want instead of what I do not want, manifestation.  I have to believe it when I am totally, completely and thoroughly loved.  And I know James loves me like this.

Maybe I am wrong but this appears to be a big lesson in personal manifestation and controlling my thoughts and beliefs.

And love.  I do believe the bottom line is love and believing in love when it is felt for me and given to me and shown to me in many many different ways; I can't think of one way James did not show me his love.  Underneath all of my mistakes and missteps and wrong moves and erroneous thinking I believe there is only love for me from James.  And I wish with all of my might that he could show me his love again.  I miss, with all of my heart, knowing the sweet funny man I met, dated and fell in love with.  I miss my sweetheart so much.  I still feel like he is the man I am supposed to be married to and sharing life with.  I hope I can still have that opportunity.  This entire experience has been so wild and "different" but I reassure myself with this thought of- well as twin souls, even though it's been a challenge, there is always a chance.  Always a chance to make it right, to remember love and let it be truth again.  So I hope I am right in that thinking because I'd really love to one day finally get this right so I can hear from my friend and love again.  I love him with all of my heart and my life does not feel complete without him in it.  My son and I both wish he was here with us as part of our family.

There are many things in life that bring me happiness, both small and large.  But besides my son's happiness and good health there is only one thing in life I really want, and that is to have James in my life like we were before, happy and at ease.  Peaceful and open.  Loving.  Cute.  Genuine.  Healthy.  Real.  Simple.  He'd smile at me and so gently touch my face and bring me to him for a kiss- and he was always so gentle with me which was exactly what I needed.  A gentle touch.  I miss his sweet gentle patient touch, his beautiful smile and his sweet kisses.  I miss his silly friendly loving personality.  What we shared was the start of a wonderful beautiful healthy relationship, and all I really want is for us to go back to how we were, being together again in friendship and love.

He always made me laugh and smile.  Always.  I wish I could smile and laugh with James again.

Take care,

Jennifer