I'm doing okay. How I explain it is sometimes I'm happy. Often I'm sad. But there are many instances when I'm both at the same time. I feel both emotions happy and sad. And I try to be loving inside no matter what I feel.
I've felt distracted from things "twin soul" these last few weeks and although I know many many people in the TS community advocate for "letting go" and moving on or shifting focus I don't think it is what's best for me. I was told a good while ago that this should be my focus. And it hasn't. I feel like I have been distracting.
I marched in Chicago on Saturday. I was proud to do so but I have to be really careful to not get swept up in the chaotic energies that are running rampant right now. I did not vote for Trump. There are things happening right now that worry me. One of the many is my own son was just issued a diagnosis that I'm hoping will protect him with a 504 plan at school. The last thing I want to see happen is someone be appointed to head our Department of Education who does not have the welfare of the public school children as her priority. And I still can't believe we elected a man who has no respect for women to head out country. It saddens me. Those are just two reasons why I attended the march.
But there is a fine line between advocating for the support of human rights and the environment and education and getting sucked into hate and negativity. There is so much hatred all over. It is so easy to start focusing on what it bad or what we don't like instead of highlighting what is good.
I've been distracted. I still feel blue too which is something I can't seem to shake so I'm trying to just live with it best I can. I love and adore the sweetest man and I ache to see him and talk with him again. My heart won't settle. Yet I'm trying to keep that to myself. It seems expressing my true feelings upsets some people so I'm trying to keep it to myself. All I can say is I miss the man I met and fell in love with and I wish he was in my life.
I'm trying right now to reorganize my priorities and focus. My mind has been all over the place and I can't concentrate on much let alone this experience. I was short-tempered with my son the other morning purely out of feeling anxious and torn. I cannot allow that to happen. My son is my angel and best buddy. If I'm upset or sad or blue or irritated or frustrated I have to ensure I don't pass it on to anyone. I may feel it but I have to learn to deal with it. I can't seem to change how I feel. Sad and happy both- they work together pretty often in my life. What can I do but accept that? I get frustrated because I know who James is. He was wonderful to me and I know what a good person he is so this is impossibly frustrating for me. This is not truth currently, not totally. Truth would be open and honest communication. I won't EVER settle for accepting what I know is not true. I remember him and his love. I just wish I could see some reflection of that truth now. That is what I wish.
I hope your 2017 had started out well. Take care.
Jennifer
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