Emotions

The reason why my emotions run high is because my heart can't delete the memories I have of James.  But I also get confused, sad and at times I feel a real lack of hope.  And I write it here because I really don't want to talk much about it "in real life."  There is so much going on in our world right now.  Enough to talk about already.  Right now I don't even know what to think about what is happening with all the changes happening in our country.  Sometimes I feel selfish or guilty for holding on to this thing with James so strongly, like maybe my energy could be used somewhere else.  But where?  I'm already the best mom I can be.  I feel like the only thing I can do is change where I stand, and that begins at home.  And I try to do this by being a decent loving mother.

I have to be honest.  There are times I wonder- what if? What happens if I give it my all, do my absolute best, believe, try, etc. and I still don't get resolution? I don't know really.  I'm not there. Right now what feels best is to keep trying.  Keep believing that it can happen. It feels best to just keep loving him and holding on. I obviously know something "not normal" has happened between us, something I did not expect.  I want to be fully honest though. I am strong but I am only so strong.  I am giving this my best.  I want to do the "right" thing.  I always love James, and I always will love James.  It is unconditional love.  If I do not get what I want, if somehow I don't get there (I will always believe this is up to me) I will still adore James and wish him the best, forever.  I believe we have this unique strong soul connection, and I've always said it is forever.  I believe it will be forever, the connection between us.  And I know we love each other.  I also know that I am doing my best.  If a day comes where I don't feel like I can do this anymore then I will be honest about it.  Don't think I have not wondered "How long can I do this?"  I have wondered but I also know where I've had hiccups in my energy, where I have not focused, where I've been a runner.

I guess the best way for me to put it is like this: I will have to really fully feel like I've given it my 110% all.  I have to be at that place where I know I've left no stone unturned.  I am a fighter.  I go after what I love and believe in.  I do not throw in the towel easily, especially when it comes to someone I care about.  And no matter what I will ALWAYS always love and care about James.  Until I see him again on the other side when this lifetime is over, until that time I will hold him close to my heart and love the fuck out him no matter if he is with me or not.  He is precious to me!! That is how I feel.  I have never loved anyone more, and that is MY choice.  No one can ever take that from me, my love for him.  He deserves it because he was amazing to me, amazing.  I will always love him for being the angel he is.  

This is where I am right now.  I have worked so hard to shift my thinking since last year. I try to be careful with what I speak and write. My thoughts are a little harder to control and I am far from perfect but there are certain things I've learned, and #1 is James is a good person and he deserves to be described as such.  This experience has been strange to say the least but I can tell you this with 100% certainty: the time we spent together was very real and very pure.  It was SO wonderful, so great and honest and genuine that I find it "defend-able."  I look back and know that if James was anyone else I've ever met I most likely would not have kept on going for 3+ years, holding onto hope and clinging {sometimes for dear life} to belief.  It is only because he was so very good to me, perfect, that I hold on and I believe in something so fully, something that is so barely believable!

I do wonder how he feels right now, what he is doing, how life is for him.  I wish I knew. I wish I could have a normal real talk with him.  Completely real and honest.  Transparent.  I am much stronger than I was three years ago, or even a year ago.  I want to be careful what I say here (don't want to bring the wrong energy to me) but please understand when I say "I want truth" I do not mean, "I only want to hear what I want to hear."  No.  I want to hear from James to where he sounds like the loving kind compassionate soul I met.  I've said this before and I will say it again, when I hear from him and he sounds like that person then I will believe what is told to me.  I remember what he feels like.  I would recognize that sweet genuine energy.  Friendly, caring.  I wish I could talk with him.  i wish that every day.

The last actual interactions I had with James were... fine.  The last time I heard from him was actually pretty shocking to me.  He had contacted me and given me his phone number and told me to text him. We did not end up communicating like I'd hoped but that happens.  A week or so later, though, I was having a really bad bad moment.  I grabbed my phone and text him.  I was in emotional pain.  I text him and told him I missed him and needed to talk to him.  I've said similar things to him in the past.  I had not received a phone call from him in like two years but right then while I was still holding my phone from texting him he called me.  I almost passed out.  I am surprised I did not accidentally hang up on him.  I answered the phone and he said something to me that I won't forget because I swear I felt like he was doing the best he could to let me know he was still there, to give me some hope and ask me to hold on.  It was short and sweet and I was shocked.  I'd heard his voice for the second time in almost two years, the time before being when he was here last spring and we saw each other.

Have I ever mentioned that I love his voice?  He has a cute voice.  It matches him and his personality.  I miss his voice.  I miss him.  But that phone call was the last time I've heard from him.  It was hopeful.  I felt he was asking me to please hold on.  I feel like he did the best he could because he knew how badly I was hurting, and I was in a bad place.  Missing him is so not easy.  Right now I miss him so fucking much but I am constantly telling myself to stay in a place of love and not let that emotion make me angry or frustrated.  I would rather feel strong love for James, even if it makes me ache, than feel anger over the situation.

I wish the silence would end though.  I wish I could talk with my friend again, like we used to.  I ask myself- how was I able to see him again?  I know that was not just a coincidence.  Something shifted, even for a moment.  It was wonderful to see James again.  It had been 2 1/2 years.  Too long.  I had longed and prayed and even begged God to see James again and then all of a sudden he was walking in the door and standing in front of me.  And he hugged me.  He HUGGED me.  And that hug felt right.  Seeing his beautiful smile felt right.  Sitting down next to him and talking felt right. I wish I knew.  I wish I knew what to do to change this so I could know my loving friend again because I miss him so much that I don't understand how one heart can take so much loving ache.  He means so much to me.  I think back to seeing him again and it does break my heart because seeing him once, getting a huge dose of him and then not seeing him again has not been easy, okay?  I want to see him again.  I want to BE with him.  And I just know he wants to be with me too.  I don't understand why it works like this but I am trying to accept it and work with it because I'd do ANYTHING to be with James.  Anything.  He is beautiful to me in every way.  And I miss knowing him like I did.

Good Lord, seriously.  I can't stop thinking about being with him again.  It was so amazing to see his face and hug him.  To hear his voice.  He walked in and smiled at me and I was like, "Oh there you are."  *sigh*  I was nervous, of course.  But he was there, with me. And that felt right.  It felt more right than right. He sat next to me and we talked.  I wanted to touch him.  I did not know if I should but I wanted to.  When he mentioned me drinking the beer and said that he never drinks "shots" because hard liquor is horrible for you I know the look he gave me was very knowing, like telling me, "Don't drink like I know you do.  It is bad for you."  I wish he was back.  I just want to be with my friend and know him again.  I know he cares for me.

In the past I've always told him that I know he loves me.  No matter what appearances showed I've known.  No matter how terrified I've been- I've still known.  And I know now that he loves me.  So when he wrote to me and told me (clear out of the blue) "You are right!  I do love you!" I was like, see- I knew it!  And while it is still not what I dream of I keep holding on to his words.  He told me he loves me, always has loved me, and he wants me in his life.

"Accept that."  <--- that has been my issue, I think.  Accepting it fully.  It is hard to accept when there is silence.  Okay?  I have to look past the quiet and know he loves me.  It is not easy only because I CRAVE connection with him.  When you love someone on every single level you then also want to BE with that person and have him in your life.  I could care less what has happened.  I love the good wonderful stuff, hold on to it and cherish it.  Anything else I am fine to "let go."  But I want more good stuff.  I want James IN my life.  I want to feel him touch my hand again.  I want to sit next to him on my couch and have him pull me to him so he can hold me in his arms.  It felt wonderful being back in his arms again.  Like a miracle.  I ache for that moment.  I yearn to be wrapped in his arms, quietly being held.  He kissed me.  I could not believe I was kissing the love of my life again after so long.  I'd prayed and prayed for that moment.  I LOVE KISSING JAMES.  I wish I could kiss him forever and a day because forever is not long enough!  Kissing James feels like Heaven.  So to kiss him again really blew me away.  I felt his love for me.  I believe our twin souls are limited in what they can say to us based on what we feel and believe, the energy we have cultivated prior.  I don't feel that James was "free" to be completely open with me.  I think he would have said more.  That was the feeling I got, like he had loads of "feeling" inside of him that he could only show me by kissing me and holding me.  And making love to me.  That was good love.  Pure true love.  He felt exactly like he did when he first made love to me, and our love is real genuine lovemaking, in the truest sense of the word.  Making love.  He made love to me.  It was fabulous.  He's very giving and sweet.  He was gentle with me, and he kept asking me to relax in a soft voice, like he knew I was nervous and shocked.  But I enjoyed being close with him.  He tried to keep me calm and make me feel good although just being with him, touching him and kissing him and holding onto him and feeling him again was enough for me.  LOVING HIM.  Us loving each other again.  My hands had ached to touch him again for so long.  Before this the last time I'd seen his face he was kissing me and hugging me and telling me, "It's not goodbye.  It's 'till next time" while asking me if I was going to look him in the eyes when we exchanged our vows.  That was 10-2013.  I'd ached to see his darling face again for a long time.  You can't imagine what that felt like for me, magic. 

It is surreal, and it breaks my heart.  I miss him terribly.  These are all of the emotions I carry with me day in and day out.  I ache for him.  I love him so much.  He really was lovely to me, a sweetheart.  I  want to know him like that again.

I know James was happy to see me when we were together last year.  I know he was relieved.  I know he'd been waiting to see me too, hoping and wishing to be intimate with me.  He'd told me that before.  He told me a year earlier, "I HOPE and WISH to be intimate with you soon."  I know that somehow I keep him away from me, and that kills me.  I want to change that.  I want to be with him.  I want him to be able to be with me.  I know he wants to be with me!

So around the holidays I said something to my roommate about James and my son piped up.  He had been playing quietly and he kind of stumbled over his words as he said them, like he was trying to say one thing but could not quite get it out.  He said something like, "Remember when you saw him mom?" but he repeated himself and said, "Remember when you talked with him" but it was more of a statement than a question.  Like he was telling me something, not asking.  I felt like I was being reminded, "Remember when you saw him.  Remember what it felt like to talk to him and be with him."  Instead of anything less.

Please understand me if you can.  THIS is why my heart aches so much!  Many separated twin souls work hard on forgetting or letting go.  I do not.  I feel I am meant to love him strongly and remember him, the joyful friendly loving man who was so kind to me.  I am meant to remember him touching me again, holding me close, kissing me.  OMG you have no idea.  Kissing him again after so long was a fucking miracle, a dream.  It is so bittersweet to recall.  So bittersweet.  I ache for him with every cell in my body.  There is no one I want more.  I can't imagine ever wanting or loving any man more than this.  No one is more perfect for me than James.  This is why I continue.  I know that if I decided to "let go" and be with someone else that the man would not be "the one" meant for me.  I'd be leaving perfection behind.  I want my perfect love!  I want my "one and only true love."  I want my life to be shared with James, my love.  My sweetheart.  No one has ever treated me better.  He was wonderful to me in every way.  Respectful, kind.  Considerate.  And patient.  That is what makes him stand out above anyone else I've ever met.  He was so patient with me.  Kissing me for days on end without asking for one ounce more.  He was happy and content just to be close to me.  THAT means to world to me.  I won't ever forget that about him because HE is genuine and rare and hard to find.  Pure real genuine love.

And I miss him.  With everything inside of me.  As I was told before from those who know me best, I am heartsick.

I am heartsick without you.  I love you so very much.

Jennifer