I appear fine on the outside but inside I feel like I'm dying. I pray something changes soon because I hurt. And I refuse to feel badly for hurting. I can't stop it. I have even been forcing myself to be creative. I made this which is a steampunk style pendant. All the detail is hand done by me.
I have one "twin soul" friend and she was pretty nasty to me recently. She thinks I have to "buck up" and feel better because "other people have it worse." I don't mean to be a baby but I have let this woman be mean to me before and I won't tolerate it again. I told her she was being mean and asked her to stop. She said, "Yeah because you need it."
You know what? That is wrong. I don't need anyone being cruel to me. I really don't. I have always been there for her and I am never mean to her. So there goes that friend because I won't set myself up for her to do it again.
I don't know what to say. This is surreal. I remember James! I know who he is. He is a good kind caring man. My "now" makes me crazy because it's not right. He is my friend. He is a strong compassionate person. We should be communicating. And I miss him so much that it hurts. I wish this could change for the better.
My other friend Bev is like my very best buddy and angel friend. I love her dearly. She told me to just keep going, keep believing and keep my focus where it needs to be so I'm doing the best I can... but the ache is deep. Over three years and my in love him and long for him as much I did back then. I wish things could be back like they were when it was only bliss. Truth
Real. Loving. Kind. Gentle.
Perfect.
I miss talking with my friend. I'm doing the best I can. A person cannot force joy in the face of heartache. Not possible so I'm not going to even try.
I miss him so much. I'd give anything, do anything, to see him again. I love him so much. Honestly right now I'm doing the best I can to get through each day. I wish it was different. I wish I felt better. But I'm doing the best I can.
Jennifer
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