Energy

I am not super-human.  Really.  I am just little ole' me.  I can't overcome this sadness I feel.  Today is an emotional day for me.  Normally I'd stop and get a bottle of vodka when I feel like this (especially since my son is with his dad this evening) but tonight I am not going to do that.  I've already told myself, not going to happen.  I've already sobbed. I ache and am so emotional but I'm not adding hard liquor to the mix.

My nephew spent the night and the boys were playing Sunday morning before we had to take my nephew home.  I think I was working in my art room.  My son walked in the room and announced, "It is 11:11."  He was checking the time but it was so odd that he told me the time right at 11:11.  He has never let me know the time before let alone at 11:11. I don't know what to think when those things happen because it does not feel like a coincidence.  I wish I knew what it meant.  I want God, HS & the universe to know that I only want signs if it is to show that I am meant to continue in this with James, if there is still a chance for us. To give me hope, and damn it all- REAL hope.  Because at this point I am so willing to have resolution on this I would take any truth as long as it is really 100% honest truth. I want truth.  I want resolution.  I do not do well in limbo, and that is where I feel I am right now.  Limbo.  I do my private writing, my journaling.  I used to write a lot more here on this blog but there are a few reasons why I stopped.  A big one is that I cannot be unauthentic to myself.  I ache.  I really do.  I feel like my heart is being run over by a semi truck over and over again. I ache every day. But when I come on my blog and share how I feel it seems to upset people, and I don't mean to upset people. I don't want to come off as a whiny bag of self-pity. I'm a very strong loving woman. But inside I have heartache.

A while back I kept dreaming that my mouth was full of shitty crap that I could not spit out. It would have hair in it and I would pull and pull but it would not come up. I researched the dream and normally it means that the dreamer is not expressing herself. Something that needs to be said is blocked or being held back. Well I don't feel on a human level I am able to talk to James and that is frustrating for me. I don't know if I'm stubborn or what but I've never been able to handle the "silence" because we had such open and easy conversation in the past. Add in the fact that I don't blog much anymore when I used to very often and I wonder if something inside of me feels blocked. Sometimes writing in my journal is not enough. I watched a YouTube video yesterday and two of her three cards were "truth" and "throat chakra." The last one was "union." The cards were poignant to me because I don't feel I'm speaking my truth (even if I journal it) because the person I want to discuss "truth" with is James. I understand writing in my journal definitely shifts energy. I do my energy work. I guess as a human though I still crave real human contact. I don't think I'll ever be at a place where I won't want to talk with James.  I won't even be okay with this because people talk.  They discuss situations. 

It might seem odd but even if I don't hear back from him sometimes sending him my thoughts helps me feel "unstuck." When I'm honest and open and brave enough to share with him that feels better than saying nothing at all. The lack of communication with my loving friend has been one of the most painful aspects of this situation. And then when I don't blog either I feel stifled. Like I'm not sharing what's inside of me.

The hard part is the dream can also mean the dreamer is speaking shit. And I don't want to send James "shit" nor do I want to come on my blog and post crap and I want to make sure I don't talk shit to anyone else. I don't want to bring people down. I also know myself well. I share my thoughts and feelings because it helps me to get it out. I've shared my experience because I felt I needed to and I know there are others who feel the way I do. But I don't really want advice on letting go or forcing myself to be happy or moving on with someone else or finding God. I wrote a blog post a while back and a reader emailed me, lecturing. She told me until I find "God" I won't be happy. She told me once she found God she no longer felt any pain or longing for her twin soul. But then she also told me she met this really great soulmate who she was dating and he was great... and listen I do not judge anyone for wanting love in her life or falling in love with someone else but don't try and tell me you no longer miss your twin soul because you got closer to God. No, you miss your twin less and actually feel happiness because you have chosen to share love with someone else nice and guess what? Love feels good. Even with someone besides a twin soul love feels good. That is fair. We all have choices we can make. I could also choose to be with someone else. I've thought about it. I know it would hurt less because I'd be focusing elsewhere, on love and relationship. If I chose to date a man who I honestly enjoyed, was attracted to and who treated me really well- of course it would be easier to feel more joy and less pain. Love feels good. Sharing time with a man and dating and having someone to talk to and be with and love feels so much nicer than being alone and missing someone every day. I'm being honest. Just because we (me, people who read my blog) are twin souls does not mean we are incapable of feeling love or affection for anyone else besides a twin soul. 

So I understand when someone tells me she has chosen to be with someone new. I totally respect people making personal choices.  What I don't appreciate is an email telling me once I know God I won't "need" James or miss him. I know God just fine. And I also know if I made the same choice to be with a new love it would take the edge off my ache and I'd be able to think less often about James and then it would be easier to not hurt so much. It would ache less. I know this.

But that is not the choice that I myself have made!! So I don't appreciate it when I share my heart and my deepest most honest feelings here on my blog and then a reader writes to me and basically tells me how I feel is wrong. If I was hating on everything or terribly angry or bashing James THEN I could understand getting an email bringing to my attention that maybe I need to shift my energy up. I have had someone very kind do that for me before and yes I appreciate it greatly. Someone who reads this rambling blog wrote to me and told me I sounded angry and it wasn't the best energy. She was right. Anger is an energy I would like to overcome and anger is an energy I CAN overcome.  Sadness and anger are not the same energy though; they don't even come from the same place.

The sadness I feel from loving James so much and longing for him and remembering how perfect we were together and knowing full well nothing really happened between us to change things, having no resolution, unfinished LOVE, is not something I can overcome. Anger I can eventually overcome. Missing James I cannot get over just by forcing myself to, and missing someone you love so much really hurts.

I've been working hard to watch what I say. Meaning I am hyper-aware of not creating more crap for myself. But I'm sad. Like every day I'm sad. I was at Disney World and inside me was a swirling mixture of gratitude for being able to gift me and my son with yet another trip to Florida, happiness for being at Disney World where it was awesome and the most gorgeous weather ever, and sadness and irritation over aching for James. All mixed together.

That ache and sadness is always here unless I'm sleeping. I've never been more thankful for a good solid long night of sleep than these last couple years. Sleep offers my heart a reprieve from the longing and ache. Oh I know how I must sound, melodramatic. But I don't care. I hurt so much inside being totally separated from James like this that there are still days where... I have a seriously difficult time coping. Sobbing. Sad. Smiling on the outside but on the inside losing my fucking mind and doubled over in pain.

Believe me when I say I hide how I feel. People normally view me as "chipper" and friendly. I'm kind and personable. Only those closest to me, who I trust, know how I feel.

I do my best.

How long will I feel this ache? I think until I have resolution with James. Notice I said "resolution." Silence is not resolution. Telling me to text him and sending me his phone number but never actually talking is not resolution. Radio silence is not resolution-  it is not even REAL. I feel like I live with one foot in the "real world" and the other in a life most could never understand and that alone makes me fucking nuts because all I want is a nice happy life!! I remember James vividly. Nothing actually changed, was never discussed or explained. He loved talking to me. We talked until the wee hours of the morning. Even after "all this" happened we would still end up on the phone because he would reach out to me sounding just like his REAL friendly loving kind excited self and we would talk as if nothing changed. He even made me ask him a question one night. I was fucking terrified but he said "Ask me. Ask me anything." So I asked about us. I felt like I was going to lose my mind. He very firmly slowly and gently said, "Nothing changed. I feel exactly the same."

I know more time has passed but I still believe he feels the same now as he did then. He loves me. He told me so a while back. I have always known James does love me. I know he loves me; he has loved me since he met me just the same as I've loved him. He told me last year that I'm right. He loves me, always has loved me and he wants me in his life. But he also said "Accept that." And that is where the frustration comes in. I DO accept it. I know he loves me. He wants to be with me. He is the same endearing loveable man I met and he wants a future with me. But that means I'm also aching inside to physically be with him sharing love and life together. Now. It kills me being away from him because it feels like we should be together.

In my situation I feel that if I want to be with James then I can't be with anyone else. It is an energy and focus thing, at least that is how it feels to me. Like whatever I focus on is what I'm going to eventually bring closer and what I take my focus away from will go farther away. Maybe I'm wrong but something along those lines has been shown and proven to me so I am watchful. It is why I'm not dating anyone else. I love James. He is the man I really really want in my life.

James makes my heart sing. I miss that. I saw him after 2 1/2 years and when I finally saw his beautiful face I thought I might pass out. Just a touch of his hand was electric. A glance, our eyes meeting, made me lose my mind. His beautiful blue shining eyes. That smile. He is so precious to me. When he pulled me to his chest and held me... I want to cry. I am crying. I miss him so fucking much. I don't want someone else. I want James. I love James.
Nothing compares. Do you understand? No one compares. But being without him feels like it is slowly killing me inside. I cannot find anything beautiful about separation beyond my huge shining love for him. Maybe it has offered me some type of healing or growth but still none of it feels beautiful. The only moments when this separation has felt good were the few blissful moments where I talked with James or when I've heard from him and recognize the sweet adorable loving man I know he is. Knowing him is Heaven.

Being without him is Hell.

I KNOW none of this is "normal." But it is killing me inside. I cry all the time. I've gained weight. I have not dated in over 3 years so I don't feel I have anyone to impress but myself and I'm okay with me. I'm kinda bored sometimes since I spend a lot of time alone. Thank God I have my little boy who promises me he will be my best friend forever. I've been forcing myself to be "creative." I'm good at art. I see something I want to make and I make it. But FUCK ME it does nothing to inspire me or change how I feel!!!

I want something to change how I feel!!! I hug my son and fight tears. I slap a big shit-eating grin on my face and say hello and have a great day and wow that color looks great on you when inside I want to puke because I miss the man I love and have missed him for almost 40 months.

Yes I feel I know how I got here. But recently I've been feeling lost. I believe everything (pretty much) I have written on my blog. A few times I believed wrong things about James and wrote them here and those things were wrong. But everything I've written about manifestation and mirroring I believe 110%. But I have battled so much fear.

I have deep regrets. I wish I could have followed my guidance long ago. I wish the times when I managed to shift things and he was able to reach out to me, I wish I could have brought him closer. I wish I would have accepted his HUGE beautiful gigantic blissful Heavenly love when I had him in my life. Had I done so we would be married. We would be married and James would be my family, my son's sweet kind step-dad. And maybe we would have a child of our own.

My regret makes me feel like dying. I am responsible for not having those wonderful things in my life, my dream come true. James is everything I have ever asked for. To be apart from him, to where we don't talk at all, is... torturous. The ache and hurt from missing him and longing for him hurts more than anyone can know. He was meant to be mine. He called me his FUTURE. Do you understand? We reconnected at one point and he said, "I love you. I miss you. I want you to be my future."

Do you have any idea how I feel? I've kept at this through so much because... I remember. I remember him telling me he loves me more. He loves me to infinity times 1000000. He told me I'm genuine and that is rare and hard to find and it was why he loved me. Because I'm genuine. I remember him taking my child and me out to have fun together, and James planned it all himself. There is NO FUCKING WAY I will ever ever forget that. I know the man I met and dated. I know him. He was good to me. Kind. Loving. Entirely patient and so gentle. Like sweet galore. Affectionate!! Loved being affectionate and loved it when I was affectionate. Totally warm and loving. Kind complimentary words. Always calling me honey or beautiful or something sweet. Lifting me up, being encouraging, telling me I'm a good mom. Perfect love. Sweet kind man. James loved coming to visit me. He couldn't go but a couple days without being with me and he always contacted me. I guess that is one of the "truths" that makes me so nuts. He loved talking with me. He told me he liked hearing what I had to say. He said he listened to me. He said he loved talking with me and hearing from me. He was super responsive. He actually went out of his way to be reassuring because he said he knew it can be worrisome to not hear back from someone. I remember that. He said it can give a person a complex. He was careful with me. Kind and considerate of my feelings.

I know that is James. But I also know this situation is not making me feel good right now. I'm so sick inside. I need to hear from my Love. I need some kind of resolution. Truth. I need truth.

He told me to accept his love. That he wants me in his life and to accept that. So I'm here. I accept it. I know he loves me. But that does nothing to stop the hurt I feel from longing for him. I want him in my arms kissing me for hours. I want to make love with him. I want to hold hands and talk and laugh. I want to hear from the sweet man I remember.

No I don't like the silence. I never have. Two people who love and care for each other should talk. This is unnatural and not normal. It was normal and natural when we used to talk freely. When we could not wait to get each other's messages. When he would ask me for a photo and his reaction was exuberant and sweet. I just don't believe this. It is not truth. Truth is us not being able to keep our hands off each other. Talking and laughing freely and often.

I don't really know what to do with myself. I don't feel great. I feel kinda blah.  I miss James so much. I wish someone would reach out to me and tell me it is normal to feel this way, that being apart from the person you love does hurt and maybe will for as long as... it takes. That I don't need to push myself to be joyful or get past the ache or longing.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I do know I can't be quiet all the time. I might seem weird writing the same things over and over but oh well. If someone doesn't like it then please don't read my blog. At the very least I can express myself here and know I'm being honest. I wish I could hear from my Love. I so dearly wish we could go back to when things were real and loving between us. I miss him, my angel, with all my heart. I feel like he would be with me if he could. I just wish he could now. My heart is aching for him, always. Add in the heartache I feel over the shit happening in our country that is affecting people world-wide... I really really wish I could speak with the man I love most in the world.

xxoo Jen