Cuddling

Granted it's been a while now but I've never forgotten one of the "weird" email exchanges I had with James.  It started out strange and I had to work my way through it but in the end one of the last messages he sent me he said, "I wish you were here with me cuddled in my arms right now."

I've never let that comment go because it sounded and felt like my James, the man I met and fell in love with, and I've always felt in my heart that he wished he could hold me and kiss me and cuddle me and be gentle to me.

I still wish I could cuddle James.  I miss him.  Nothing really stops me from missing him or wishing to hear from him or see him again.  But when I do hear from him or see him again I want it to be like it was when we met.  Real.  Honest.  Truthful.  I wish so much to be able to hug him.  I'd probably cry this time though.  The last time I saw him I still had too much going on inside and I was really nervous and trying to be strong and brave yet I was scared and nervous too so I know I had some walls up.  I think right now if he was in front of me and hugged me or held me I'd probably fall the fuck apart.  All I can think of is him hugging me and me realizing all we've been through and how hard it's been being away from him and how much I've loved him and fought through this and... how much I've wanted him back in my arms.  I wish I would have kept that in mind when I saw him again.  I wish I would have just let him hold me and stayed quiet and snuggled up against him and told him in my heart that I trust him and believe in his love and to please just hold me and love me.  I think back to that moment and I can hardly believe that after more than 30 months he was holding me in his arms again.  Seems like a dream, or a miracle.  More like a miracle I guess- a miracle although I don't know how it happened.

No matter how much added joy or love is in my life I still love James, miss him, think about him all the time and wish he was with me.  I can't help it.  I can't let him go, and it's still bittersweet.  I hold him close to my heart.  I speak of him with love.  I just know that on some level he does love me, and he'd a wonderful person.  Limbo is difficult.  Lack of resolution does not work well for me.  Yet all I can do is continue to love him, wherever he is. 

I sure do wish he was here though, with me, us cuddling each other.  I miss my friend.  I miss my friend a lot.  I believe we were more friends than lovers.  We did make love but we spent much more time laughing and talking and kissing than being in bed.  Not that making love with James wasn't great.  It was.  But we spent so much time talking and kissing (clothed) and giggling and walking hand in hand... it was all so sweet and friendly so I feel like my dear good friend is missing and it still breaks me up inside.  I miss my sweet friend.  I miss him so much.

I truly am thankful for all the blessings in my life.  I tell God always that I am grateful.  I feel like God is trying to help me- but still I surely wish I had my twin soul back.  THAT is what I want most.  I really do.  What I want most is for James to be back in my life, here with me, my friend again.  My active friend who I am can talk and share with and laugh with.  Sex was not the most important thing in our connection- being intimate was.  Closeness, kisses- long sweet kind loving kisses where the world slowed down and all we wanted to do was be close and connected through kissing.  It hurts my heart, those memories.  He was so so so sweet to me.  Patient and kind.  Loving and generous, and he was EXACTLY what I'd asked for, exactly.  My Prince Charming.  My fairy tale come true.

No matter what I still love James and miss him.  I sure wish I could cuddle with him.

Jen