This video reminds me of James, his scientist nature. He shared these "Symphony of Science" videos with me when we were together and when I play them I can feel him and remember him strongly.
Oh my heart. My heart still aches for James. I still remember how sweet and patient he was with me, perfect. I know, clearly, that I will never ever love anyone else like I love him. A love where when I hear him say my name it sets me on fire. Where I hold on to his every word. Where I can't wait to see him again. Where I count the moments until we are back together. I fell so hard for him and loved him so so so much- and I know the way I felt about him I will never feel for anyone else, ever.
I tell the universe I am thankful for all the love I have in my life. I know I am loveable, and I am loved. I do love myself and I want to be happy and enjoy life- I do appreciate my blessings. But MY GOD what I do not understand is why is my twin soul not in my life? When I want James so badly, why can't he just be here with me? My heart... still longs for him.
I am here to tell you that even if a really wonderful sweet attractive love comes to you- you won't forget your twin, and it won't replace the fire and passion and excitement and deep love and affection and connection you feel with and for your twin. It just won't compare. It might be lovely and sweet and a blessing in and of itself but it won't be the same, and it won't take away the ache or the sadness. It might add joy- which is always appreciated. I am made to give love. I also like receiving love but I am a born nurturer. I like to take care of people and love them. When I have a lover in my life I am kind and gentle and caring; it's just who I am. When I have no outlet for that love it can really suck. I don't mind sharing love with someone I care about, someone who really needs it, but still what I have found is my heart belongs to James, and I think it always will.
Weird. Again I am working to be as light and love as I can. That doesn't mean my heart isn't aching. I have love in my life, happiness, and it's really nice. I am thankful for that love and added joy, someone treating me well and maybe being a reflection of why I truly am. But I know in my heart that James loved me too the same way, and still does. And that is what bothers me so badly- because I still love him and miss him deeply. I ache to speak with him. I want to talk with him! I want to share truth and talk and be normal like we were. I want to have a conversation with him where it is obviously all REAL. I want that so bad! I still miss him desperately. I miss my love and my friend.
I think having someone to love and watch out for and take care of right now helps keep me soft inside. This man I care for, D, is sweet and vulnerable and he was struggling badly before we started spending time together. Last night we watched a movie together and he was super tired and his head hurt. I could tell how tired he was and he asked me if I would be willing to rub his temples because his head was pounding. I told him yes and that he needed to lay down and go to sleep; I said I'd see myself out because I wanted him to go to sleep. As I was rubbing his temples he was falling asleep and he said, I'm sure without realizing it, "You are so much like her." I told him today what he said and assured him it was okay. I asked him if his wife had been kind, gentle and loving with him and he said, "Yes very much so." I told him I was glad to know that she had loved him so much and taken good care of him because he is a really good man and I know he was a great husband to her. *sigh* I know this sounds super duper fucking CRAZY but his wife told him she wanted him to meet someone kind and good after she was gone, someone who would love him. He told her that wouldn't happen for a long time, if ever, and he couldn't handle talking about it. She told him, "Yes it will happen, and it will happen quickly." Well God knows I did NOT go looking for this, and I wasn't thinking of being with anyone else. So maybe I'm meant to be the one who cares for him and pulls him through. I told him I will always know him no matter what, and I mean that. I have no idea what the future holds but personally I know what I want my future to be. I still want to be with James in the future. I can't help but feel that way. We had no ending. If he is truly my twin soul then I'd think some day I will hear from him again! But maybe for right now somehow I'm supposed to love and help this other man. I just don't know what else to think. I still have my dreams of the future but I do have a lot of love to give, and this man needs some love so... it works out. Loving someone who is actually here with me being a part of my life and me being a part of his helps me stay feeling loving.
The opposite of that is loving someone who is somewhere else, somewhere I have no idea, no contact with that person beyond "spiritual energy," missing him dreadfully, crying all the time, aching, missing, longing, feeling so lonely, having no adult male to talk to, staying isolated and alone most of the time, masturbating and crying afterwards from being so alone and aching for the one my heart cries out for- is fucking Hellish. It makes me angry and hard inside. It makes me absolutely hate God. So maybe that is why I met this man. Why it can't just be James is a question I don't have the answer to. But it's someone loving, kind and good who is "of the light" like I am. And I don't feel so alone. And I have someone I can be loving towards which is really an important aspect of life for me. As well as being loved in return.
I am trying to find the right words to explain how I feel. I love myself a lot. I love myself a TON. I have fucking fought like a Lioness for FOUR YEARS to try and get through this separation and somehow "allow James back to me." And for whatever reason that has not happened. But I tried so hard. I've fought loads of fear, and I have loved James a lot. Yes at times I was terrified of him, of the mirror really. I thought bad things. I repeated shit I should not have. I basically manifested my worst fears and none of it felt good. Now I can see what I did- but it hasn't changed. And I don't feel like I deserve to be alone and hurting all the damn time. I AM a very loving woman, and damn do I adore James and wish he could be in my life!!! I wish I could make him dinner and cuddle him and shower my strong love and affection on him! I've wished for that for a very long time now. I just want to be able to love James freely, show him love, be love for him. But he is not here. And I love myself enough that I'm not going to turn away from having real genuine love in my life right now (that I did not go looking for!) even if it is someone different. I deserve to have a dose of happy in my life- and while I feel strongly that James loves me and wishes he could be here- I can't properly deal with being alone and sad all the time. I have tried. I've suffered actually. I've hurt so much that I want to die. And I love myself so much that I do not want to feel that alone anymore. I still miss James. I still feel this sadness because he is not here. My heart still longs for him. It is two separate situations and experiences. But having some love in my life does help me not sink down deep into despair. And I also know that my love and care is helping this other person.
One other thing I've learned about myself is that four years of being alone and somewhat isolated has made me majorly independent and non-clingy. I am so used to being alone, and I respect myself so much, that I will only share my time and/or affection with a person who totally resonates with me, someone who supports my higher good, someone who truly "feels good" to be with. I will be with someone because I 100% want to be in that person's presence, because I genuinely like or love them, not because I don't want to be alone. I'd much rather be alone than spend time with a person who feels even one drop less than right and good to me. That's a pretty cool place to be.
That is where I am right now. I still wish and pray to hear from James. At this point what I wish for is to speak with him honestly. I get so very frustrated when I think of the silence and BS. Because I don't feel like it should continue. I feel like me and James deserve to be honest with each other. I feel like I've earned that! I feel like we should be able to talk, like my energy is okay enough for us to be able to come together to at least talk honestly. I am not hiding shit. I have been totally fucking honest in every single thing I've done here lately. I won't hide or be scared to share my truth or my feelings. And if James did reach out to me right now I'd be fully honest with him too, not trying to hide anything. But I feel we need to talk. I know he cares about me and always has, and I care about him too. I WANT TRUTH. I will always hope for, ask for, pray for, that truth. I do still love James and miss him a lot. I am trying to stay very loving and kind inside and eradicate any crap energy which means I need to be very grateful for the love and blessings I have in my life, and I am. I just wish along with all of that I could hear from my sweet lovely little twin soul again. Nothing can really take away the longing I feel for him although I love him unconditionally whether we are in contact or not. No matter who I know or even who else I love- I just feel like my heart will always belong to him.
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