Holding

Just let me hold you.

Holding.  I am so overwhelmed right now.  I've been tense and unhappy and maybe not in the best mood.  I've been finding it difficult to think positive, feeling kind of shitty although I try really hard to focus on my blessings to keep my energy where it should be.  And then this past weekend suddenly something's happened that I was not expecting or looking for, at all.  I don't have the energy to process it all right now.  I can tell you that normally I have an aversion to other men (who are not James.)  I want James to touch me.  I want James to kiss me.  I want James to be the one who holds my hand, who holds me close.  And I SWEAR on all things holy that I've tried.  Maybe I have not done enough focus work, or writing, or or or.  I don't know.  But I am tired.  I am sad.  It is hard to have the inspiration to keep up what used to help shift things when I'm so sad.  I have said here over and over (even when people argue with me over it) that I KNOW James is a wonderful person!  I know this!  It makes me cry!  He was so good to me, and I still love him SO much, and all this time what I have really wanted is for him to be here with me, in my life.  I've been militantly staying clear of other men.  For a little less than four years (four years October 17, 2017 to be exact) I've felt alone.  I love James but he's not been here and that has been very hard on me.  Because I miss him.  I have not felt "tempted" to date anyone or talk to anyone else.  One of the reasons why is because with him I felt I was purified.  His pure gentle patient love for me showed me, reminded me, of who I truly am and what I deserve and how I need to be loved.  I need a very gentle real genuine love.  That is James.  He was patient with me, and I love that about him so much.  So much.  He waited for me and showed me what I deserve.  He knew all I wanted was to be held, kissed, touched gently... lovemaking, real lovemaking.  No fake shit.  Nothing but being close, faces close, hands held together, kisses kisses kisses.  Lots of kisses.  And finally, when the time was right for me, good close loving lovemaking.  It was all very real and good and beautiful.  I remember that, and I miss him.

Because he was so good to me I've not wanted to "ruin" that or scar it or... what is the word?  I did not want to defile the clean beauty of being with him, my perfection, by being close to anyone else, anyone... less.  Because he is more.  He is an angel to me, that's how I feel.  I feel very pure and clean after being with him, and I didn't want to be with anyone else but him so I did my best to stay away from other men.  This weekend I was walking home and I stopped to talk to a neighbor I recently met, his wife passed away last spring and I met him for the first time this past 4th of July; we met and he told me about his wife, how much he'd loved her, how happy they were together.  He cried when we met that first time, and apologized and I told him not to apologize.  I thought it was a beautiful thing, how precious their relationship was- it was a marriage most people ache for and it was obvious he was this really normally happy guy who was hurting badly.

Well- I didn't have my son this weekend.  I was coming home from a festival by my house (walking) after having a few beers and, ha, writing in my journal because I DO have the best of intentions.  I do.  Turns out that despite grieving his wife (who he was deliriously in love with for 20 years) this man has wanted to get to know me better since meeting me.  He says I made an impression on him.  He invited me in and offered me another beer and we talked for a while and watched "The Arrival" and somewhere in there I stupidly drank another beer (on a totally empty stomach) and he, not knowing that I was getting pretty drunk, was gently touching my arm and I was internally freaking the fuck out!  I was shocked because I (naively?) assumed the whole thing with his wife passing away... I just thought he was being friendly in talking with me.  So when he stroked my arm I was thinking "I can't let another man touch me like this" while at the same time being totally freaked out because... I didn't mind it.  I almost welcomed it, and that scared me most.  I normally have a really large aversion to any other man touching me.  To have that aversion disappear was startling, and it was not the beer.  Then he tried kissing me but I pulled away and said, "I can't, I can't" and he thought I found him unattractive so I tried to explain about being in love with someone, someone who he's never seen me with- all he has seen is this single mother with an adorable child, or maybe an adorable single mother with an adorable child is how he thinks about me.  I told him about James.  That I love him and I've wished to be with him and I miss him and I told him I believe we are meant to be together so I don't date or have boyfriends.

I'm dying inside right now.  I guess he kissed me but I don't remember because... too much alcohol on an empty stomach and I recently dropped about 20 lbs so there is not as much of me to process the beer.  I didn't expect to drink that much, and I absolutely 100% did not expect to have this man who lost his wife not long ago try to kiss me.  I woke up at home the next morning with The Mother of All Hangovers wondering how I got home.  Wondering what I did or said, and that sucks.  And it's embarrassing!  I wasn't driving.  It's not like I was on a "date."  I didn't mean for ANY of that to happen.  Turns out we kissed for a bit, and apparently I liked it, and then I said I had to go home and he walked me home and made sure I got in the house.

Oh good Lord!  So here is this man who hasn't touched another woman in over 20 years besides his wife and I am the first woman he decides he wants to try and kiss.  After 20 years and then helping his dying wife through her suffering and now being sad and missing her.  And I didn't remember it.  I felt horrible, and he's a super nice man.  It's obvious he has a huge heart.  He asked to take my son and I out for dinner and ice cream and we talked and later he asked if he could kiss me where I would know it, and I said no.  Because of James.  But honestly I didn't want to say no, and that's a first.  That is the first time in four years that I felt like I would really like to kiss someone else simply because I was drawn to him.  NOT because I felt sad or lonely or I was frustrated and looking for a distraction.  I was not looking for anything.  I was walking home and said hi to the neighbor!  I expected to go home and spend the evening by myself.  I told him no and said, "I really do love this other person.  So much."  He understood but was sad and I hugged him.  But later I was alone and thinking... oh holy shit.  How horrible, to kiss someone new for the first time in over 20 years, after losing the person you loved most in the whole world, and I didn't remember it.  If I didn't like him at all as more than friends then of course I would not kiss him- you can't force that.  But the only reason why I told him no was because I felt like "I'm not supposed to" because I do love James and wish he was with me and it made me sad and didn't feel right so I went over to see him and I did kiss him.  And we talked and he said he had the worst day the day before (when I said hi to him) because he was packing up some memorable items of his wife's and it made him terribly sad and he was asking God "how long am I going to feel like I'm dying, help me out please," and then there I was and he's thought of me since meeting me so he made the conscious decision to see what would happen if he tried to get to know me better.

He said he felt like I was supposed to be there.  I told him I feel like I am bobbing around in the ocean without a life jacket right now.  He knows how I feel about James.  I had to be honest with him.  I told him about the connection I believe I have with him.  I told him I can't really talk about why he's not here but there is one thing I am adamant about and that is I want no negative talk about James; he doesn't deserve it.  He's not here to be able to explain himself as to why he's not here and I love him and believe in him so it's the one thing I won't tolerate.  He said he understands, and he clearly understands that I love this man no matter what, and that my wish is he could be back with me.  I don't remember the words he used to explain it but he said any woman who chooses to stay alone for almost four years because she loves a man who is not in her life must be honestly and truly in love and he respects me for that.  He said he knows I want James to come back, and he said he hopes he does come back.  But he also asked if I would please... keep him company for now.  That he truly likes me and he didn't think he would feel anything again after his wife but he does with me and he's happy for the first time in a long time.  He says I bring him joy and he likes being nice to me.  Thing is I like him, and I didn't think I could "like" anyone else.  But I'd bet my life on one thing, it's that very specific "energy" with him.  It's not his appearance; even he has said, "I ask myself what the Hell are you doing with me if you've avoided anyone else for a while?"  He said maybe I feel his "love" energy because he is super loving and kind.  I don't know what it is but it isn't normal.  And I am confused but I know he is in a very sensitive spot, healing, and... I just can't desert him.

Yet I love James and I still wish he was with me, and that is super challenging for me.  I had just put James' picture back on my phone before this happened and this man has seen James' face when my phone was on the steps.  I can't hide that I love him.  I can't lie or be dishonest- and these days I don't even know WHAT to think or do.  I try so damn hard to be "perfect" and right and make the best choices and... I just don't know.  I don't know what to do.  Except take each day at a time.  I do love James.  I can't help it.  I've cried and cried yet this other man is sweet and I care about him.  I told him that I am terrified of hurting him because he can't keep me forever; I love someone else who I believe will be with me one day, or at least I pray and wish and hope for that to happen.  He said he'd be okay if I hurt him because James comes back, that he hopes I will be with James some day since I obviously love him so much.  But that he doesn't care if it hurts then because I bring joy to his life right now.

I have no idea what to do besides just give this one up to the universe and say yes this person feels very good and kind and sweet and how he talks to me and wants to treat me reminds me very much of James and how sweet and kind and good he was to me.  I've been lonely and sad for a long time.  To be hugged by someone who feels safe and good is undeniably welcome.  But I remember that is how it felt to be hugged by James too.  I can't help but wish it was James; James is who I truly want.  I don't know the effect of honestly caring for someone else for the sake of love and goodness (not out of fear or anger or resentment or boredom, etc.) on a twin soul connection.  I just don't know.  Uncharted territory for me.  I AM still human.  I try to do my best.  I try to live through loving choices.  I did NOT plan for this, and I am not sure if I asked for it somehow and don't realize I did.  What I've truly wanted is to hear from James or see James but maybe something in my energy has not allowed that to happen.  I will forever only and always believe he wanted to stay with me, and that somewhere, somehow he still loves me.  Beyond that I have no freaking idea what to do, and I did not mean for this kind loving sweet hurting man to... look at me like I am some kind of an angel.  *holding my head in my hands*

I know.  I know.  I've adamantly said on my blog that I don't think I should be with anyone else, talk to anyone else, etc.  If a man contacts me I cut him off immediately.  And then this.  I've told James I want him and only him.  And I honestly meant it.  I love him.

I've been as honest as I can.  I am tired, inside and out.  I am surprised I am still alive after these four years.  One thing I can say is- I feel okay in that this other man is a good man too.  Not "less."  He is not James, and the one I truly wish for is James.  But he is not less.  He's a good kind caring person too, as is James.  But I cannot help but miss James, still.  Nothing and no one could ever replace him in my heart.  I miss my sweet scientist.  I miss all our politics talk.  I miss his love of 80s music.  I miss his blue eyes and his sweet kisses and his tender hands and gentle touch.  I miss his smile.  I miss his soft voice.  I miss his walk.  I miss... everything about him, don't think I don't miss him.  This is not a situation of "Well if he's not going to be with me then why should I be alone?"  I've never felt that way.  It's not resentment or spite inside of me.  Right now I'm actually a little (no a lot) overwhelmed.

Cassady Cayne has an article about being with someone else besides a twin flame.  She says that when we do that it is purely out of fear.  I can see that if I had dated anyone else throughout these last four years- it may have been a choice made out of fear, frustration, etc.  Really I have never wanted to "date" anyone else.  I've wanted James.  I don't even know how I feel right now- but it's not fear.  It's not running off from fear.  It's more that this person is hurting and I can tell he's so happy know me.  And he feels good when I didn't imagine anyone else could ever again.  Is that wrong?  Because I feel... sad.  Good but still sad because I miss James and love him so much and all I've wanted is him here.  It's hard to not know what to do, what is the best choice, "follow my heart" when my heart really wants to be married to James and living with him and him by my side.  And I've tried so hard.  I've loved James so much, and I've missed him almost to the point of insanity.  To where it hurts so deeply that I keen, cry out, am at such a loss.  Is it totally hypocritical?  I've shared how I feel.  I love someone else.  But for some crazy fucking reason I do care about this other person.  I care that his heart has been broken.  He feels good to hug, and kissing him isn't so bad either yet I still love James.  I want to walk with James and hold his hand.  And I am scared.  I am scared that if I genuinely love someone else then I won't see James again.  That scares me.  We never had an ending.  It never ended.  And I do still love him with all my heart.  I can't stand the thought of not seeing him again or knowing him again.  It makes my heart so so so sick that I can't even conceptualize.  I love him and he was suddenly gone and I have grieved him, missed him and ached for him ever since. 

This person I met, he says he understands totally because if his wife could be with him again he'd be with her in a heartbeat, no matter what.  He really really loves his wife but she is gone and I know how much it hurts when someone you love is suddenly gone.  It's really hard.  It hurts.  I figure if anything I can be good to him for a while.  He could use someone being good to him considering that he's been through so much suffering, and God knows if there is one thing I do well it is love people.  He can tell I love James.  He knows I'm definitely not going to be looking elsewhere, beyond knowing him and loving James.  I can't even give my heart to him fully.  Only partially but it seems my heart is so large that even giving someone part of my heart is more than most people share with each other when they give all of theirs.
 
Feeling this much aches so deeply.  I don't think anyone could understand how I am feeling.  There is no word for it.  Nothing fits.

If these wings could fly...I'd still fly right to you.

xxoo Jennifer