Whirlwind

Life is really weird right now.  Good but strange and not what I expected, at all.

So this man, D, has spent a lot of time with me.  He loves me.  I can't explain how this happened.  I didn't mean to meet someone else.  I did not intend to spend time or share love with another man.  I have tried to be really honest on my blog and I will continue to do so.  It's been four years since I met James.  Actually right now, this very time of year, is so challenging because this is when we were dating and the weather feels like James.  The shifting seasons, the changing leaves, the smell and feel of fall in the air- the crisp cool nights with bright clear skies that highlight the luminous stars shining down... all of it reminds me of James.  Walking hand in hand with James.  Seeing James smiling at me.  His kind kisses.  How much he loved me.  It all breaks me up.  I can barely think of it.  I still honestly miss James a ton.  I miss my Atheist Geologist scientist brilliant funny charming sweet kind friendly sweetheart.  It's... really difficult.

So it sounds like I'm being a contradictory hypocrite, right?  I am missing one man but spending time with another.  Well... this is a good lesson in me not judging anyone for choices made during this experience.  I felt like I was dying.  For anyone who has read my blog, all of that pain and suffering and angst and missing a person until it feels like I am going to die from the pain of not having that person in my life is real.  Here is how I can explain it: I could not find a balance between being alone, missing James and feeling any happiness in my life.  I just couldn't do it.  I have fought so hard for four years to "get this thing done" and try to be reunited with my twin soul.  I've told myself to be with no one else.  I stayed alone and single pretty much this whole time.  I only made love one time and that was with James last year when somehow he was able to come back.  We made love and then he dis-a-fucking-ppeared again.  He appeared and then he "dis" appeared and while I know this has to do still with energy and this process and all that- it still almost killed me to have him back in my arms again, inside my heart and my body, and then to be gone.  Nearly killed me.  Because I love him with all my heart and all I want is him back in my life so to have a brief yet intense taste of him and his love and then nothing, oh my God that hurt so much.

I am only so fucking strong.

Still I fought.  In thinking about all this I can say that any time I thought of "getting a boyfriend" or "dating" it was in response to feeling down or irritated or even scared.  Antsy.  Antsy is a good word.  I'd feel antsy and unsettled and I'd think "I'll date then."  But I was always shown not to do so in those situations.  And there were other things too- but overall I felt like being with another man while I am separated from my twin soul was very wrong.  Like it would keep James from me.  Like I was being unfaithful or "letting James go."  Giving up.  Believe me I am battling this feeling right now- like I've given up.

But see, that is the thing.  I have NOT given up.  I don't know what to say!  This new man, D, I feel like I am love in his life, and he is love in my life.  I care about him.  He cares about me.  He knows all about James.  He knows I love James.  He can tell it's been a long hard four years.  He knows that I cherish James and our connection.  I told him I refuse to do anything besides protect James... like protect his memory and his place in my heart.  D said he was willing to accept that.  He says I am a huge source of joy in his life.  I can't help it.  I didn't go looking for this.  And it IS nice.  D IS loving and wonderful to me.  I actually like him which I never thought would happen again, and one thing that is VERY important to me is D is a sweetheart.  A good man.  He genuinely cares about me.  He says he loves me and he can't help it.  I do love D.  I can't help but love him; he's great.  But that does not mean I don't love James too because I do.  Very much.

I realize that I dreamed about D before I connected with him two weeks ago but in the dream I did not realize it was him.  I wrote the dream down and re-read it last week and was like OMFG- it's D I was dreaming about!  I dreamed I was making love with a man who was not James and it felt... loving.  But still bittersweet because I knew it was not James but I still loved James yet the man in the dream felt like "relationship lovemaking."  And I didn't understand it.  I woke up thinking... why did I have that dream?  Usually if I dream of "sex" it's nasty and feels terrible.  This was very different.  Only now do I realize the dream was of D.  It's all so strange.  D and I both have received messages of "Enjoy this gift" and to "Live in the now."  To enjoy the moment and not worry about what the future holds.  And for me I've been given many signs to have no guilt.  To not feel badly or like I'm doing something "wrong."  I've been shown that yes my heart feels complicated because I love two men, and one I miss terribly.  One I've wished to be my life, my everything, for so long.  And I still want James in my life.  But I was told to "not despair" and to realize everything serves a purpose.

It is only love.  Nothing less.  It's intense right now.  It is obviously some type of soul connection but it is different than James.  It is not "twin soul-ish" and with James... everything was so perfect and just what I needed at that time.  I will always cherish how SWEET our time together was.  Sweet.  We talked for hours.  We only kissed for weeks.  All those nights of being on my couch wrapped around each other kissing.  It was pure and beautiful.  I CHERISH that with all of my heart.  Nothing can take that truth away from me.  James used to come visit me and he'd walk in and hug me and then we'd sit down on my couch and he would smile and touch my face and he'd kiss me like he'd been waiting since the day he was born to kiss me.  He'd kiss me and kiss me.  But it was just kisses and embraces.  Well I'd moan a little because he did turn me on and he is so fucking adorable and handsome and nice to look at and be close to but we kept it kisses.  No heavy petting.  No grinding.  It was sweet and innocent and I love him for giving that to me.  I miss James.  I miss our sweet relationship and our friendship.  I miss our talks and I miss seeing his bright smiling face.  I miss how we were two strangers who grew to know each other and fall in love and date and be boyfriend and girlfriend and he was just an angel to me in every way.  Every. Single. Thing he did to me and for me was adorable and wonderful and kind and generous.  He was every dream I ever had come true.  And it absolutely kills me that we do not talk and he is not in my life.  I miss him so fucking much.  It still hurts.  Of course it does.

So no, I have not "given up."  I cannot explain this situation.  I only know that I felt like I was dying and then suddenly I found myself in the life of a man who also felt like he was dying and we love each other.  While I also love James.  I'm gonna be frank here too- I am a 44 year-old very passionate loving woman.  Staying isolated was becoming very hard.  I did try hard.  I stayed militantly "faithful" to James for almost four years.  He was the only man I really wanted to be with.  But it was challenging to say the least, being alone all the time.  I did it though, and honestly I had intended to continue.  Then D happened.  And I am no longer "alone" and I'm not celibate either.  I'd think my twin has not been celibate either (I mean come on) and I don't begrudge him having love in his life since I, for whatever reason, was unable to allow him to come back to me.  It is nothing I like to think about but I am mature enough to realize we all deserve to be loved and actively have love in our lives... with someone we care about.  Um, the thought makes me cry.  I want James with ME.  But being as mature and strong as I can- he's not here, has not been here, and I can't expect that he's been alone.  Unrealistic and wrong for me to wish that at all.  That is as far as my brain and heart can go, okay?  Because really all I've wanted is to be cuddled up in his arms every night for the last four years.  Being apart slays me.  All I can think is if I met James face to face again I'd be honest and he'd understand.  Because unconditional love understands.  It understands ache and pain and loneliness and constantly fighting and fighting to do the right thing.  Unconditional love understands how hard it is to be alone without romantic love or companionship for so long, especially all while longing and loving and aching for the person I love and miss dearly.  I tell myself he'd understand- if the moment comes when I get my miracle, when James can talk to me openly and HONESTLY and be the caring compassionate man I met and who I know he is- then I won't need to feel ashamed or guilty for allowing myself to be loved by someone else despite how hard I've tried to stay alone and untouched and celibate.  I did try.  I love James so much- why do you think I chose to be alone all this time?

I have no answers.  I don't know how sharing love with another man will affect my union.  I refuse to refer to D as my "karmic partner" or "near twin" or any other stupid trite ridiculous label that covers pretty much the one title of "soul mate."  He's my soul mate.  I can feel it.  Soul energy.  Lovely.  Warm.  The kind of energy where a person's physical appearance is not as important as how that person "feels."  That is how D is with me- he "feels" good.  It's not of this world, and even he knows this.  IF I manifested D- I did it without realizing it.  I only know that whatever it is- it is GOOD.  A blessing.  A reprieve for both of us.  I'm being as conscious as I can of being an "aware manifestor" about this situation with D.  He's kind and generous with me (like James was when James was allowed to be his gentle loving self only with me) and I am working to simply say "thank you" and accept a gift.  Accept a kind word or gesture, or flowers or a sweet card.  Not always the easiest thing for me.  I am working to tell God "Thank you for this blessing.  I appreciate D and his kind heart and sweet love."  Gratitude is what I am shooting for, nothing less.  Love is a good thing.

I've had it stressed to me to NOT worry about how this will play out in the future.  To enjoy the moment.  To be in the now.  To "enjoy" my life right now.  So I am trying very hard to do so with no guilt.  I've been 110% honest and transparent and I will continue to do so.  Guilt can be a killer for me so I'm working hard to keep that in check.  D knows my heart and my feelings.  I'd be fully honest with James if that moment happened... but I guess when you lose contact with a person and you don't talk for like 18 months it all starts to feel... softened, fuzzy.  The only part of this situation with James that does not feel any less intense is my love and affection for him and how much I miss him.  I still get signs.  I still hear songs that speak to me.  And last night, dear Lord, D said to me, "You are genuine.  It's very real and you can't be any other way can you?"  I told him no I cannot be anything other than genuine because I try to have a strong moral code.  I am trying to live with honesty and love.  But James said the same thing to me one night after we'd talked on the phone for a while, one of our strong reconnect moments.  He text me and said, "You are genuine and that is beautiful and rare and I think it is what I love most about you."  This was in the midst of some heavy flirting and sweet words and maybe a semi-nude photo or two but instead of telling me how hot I am he chose to tell me how genuine I am.  I love that about him but last night with D- it reminded me of James.

My belief is still that James loves me and always has.  I guess I just... didn't know what to do anymore.  I did not write as much anymore (my manifestation work) because seriously I couldn't do it.  I still wrote off and on but not like 25 pages a day which is what I was doing before.  Even if it did shift the energy and at times bring James closer to me I was unable to bring myself to keep it up after the silence was continuing for so long.  Not because I don't care.  Not because James isn't important enough.  I just simply could not do it any longer.  I love James.  I feel he is a wonderful unique special man who has a beautiful and strong connection with me, a connection like no other.  And I adore him.  I also know he loves me.  I feel in my heart that somehow he still misses me and wishes we could be together.  I still want to be with him.  Nothing can change that.  Nothing can change how much I love and adore my twin soul.

Yeah it's a interesting situation.  But I am super duper loving.  Loving people comes so easy to me and D is a GOOD man.  He's not just "someone" I found because I didn't want to be lonely.  He's special to me now.  We feel like we've known each other forever.  He was in such dark despair suffering from the sadness of missing his late wife.  But now, with me, he's much happier, brighter, and feels like he wants to live again.  I can't question that.  I won't.  I will only accept it, believe that everything happens for a reason, and take this day by day.  Trusting the divine does not come easily to me but in this case all I can say is "Thank you for bringing me a blessing when I felt like I was dying."  D is not James.  He does not replace James.  He doesn't even take away how much I miss James or my sadness.  What he does is bring me some much needed joy and happiness as I do for him, and I appreciate that we are able to be good and kind and loving to each other.  I'm not giving up.  I'm not telling the universe that I am "moving on."  I'm going to enjoy this blessing and be thankful and grateful like I've been shown to while at the same time I still cry and miss James and love him and ache to hug him and talk to him again like we used to.

I really don't know what else to do.