What is love? I'm not sure I can answer that question. I know what love isn't. Love is not fear or anger or spite or negativity. I'm trying to avoid any of these emotions.
I still really love James. I still wish he was here. I'm confused about what has happened in the last week. I always felt that I have to stay very very far away from all other male energy or attention so I don't block or repel my twin. I explained how I met this other person, D. D is... the last man I'd ever think I'd spend time with or love. He is older than me and I wasn't "looking" to be connected with anyone else. As a matter of fact I was avoiding it. Trying to be perfect.
This is totally uncharted territory for me. D is a sweet man, and he's been hurting terribly. I've only been myself with him and (although this seems to silly to say) he thinks I am some kind of angel. His life has been painful for the last two years with his beloved wife suffering and then dying. He's been alone and grieving. Naturally he's a friendly jolly happy man. All I can say is after spending some time together he feels more like himself. I didn't mean for this to happen but I like him, and I know I make him happy. He comes over for dinner, and he invited me and my son to the first cookout he's had in two years. He asked us to shop with him because he said he's forgotten how to live and could use my help with this first shot of getting back on his feet again. PJ and I spent the day with him and his family (including his step-daughters who are his late wife's daughters) and we had a fun time.
The future, even tomorrow, I have no idea. I told D that it scares me because I can only take this day by day. I have no idea how he ended up in my life. But D knows I love James and want to see him again, and that my dream is to be with him. He says he respects the love I have for James. Yesterday his family was highly skeptical of me. He's 54 years-old and he wears his heart on his sleeve and his wife has not been gone for very long (although she was sick for an extended period) and he's obviously vulnerable. They wanted to know- what do I want from him? What am I after? Nothing. I didn't go looking for him. He initiated and kinda shocked both of us. I have my own career, my own money, and I can buy myself whatever I may want or need. But some things in life money cannot buy. If I did not like D I would not spend time with him. If I wasn't drawn to him or attracted to him I might help him (like make him some meals) but I wouldn't cuddle with him or be affectionate; it takes a lot for me to share affection with someone. I protect the Hell out of myself and my emotions and I don't let many people too close to me. I don't connect with most men that way. James was the last man I made love with. James is really the only man I've wanted to touch me in these last four years. What I am trying to say is if I am going to share my time with a person then it's going to be because I WANT to, because I am drawn to that person, because I feel safe and good with that person. That is how I felt about James, and I've always WANTED to me with James again. It hurts so so so bad to ache for this one person day in and day out. I honestly thought it could never ever feel good or right to kiss or touch another man. But with D it feels... safe and good. With James it felt perfect though- and I still miss that perfect connection with James.
D knows though. He knows I don't want to discuss a future with him. He says he understands totally. Last night when we were talking I brought this up again because by the end of the party yesterday his family was way more comfortable with me and my son. They realize I have a great career, am fiercely independent, I am used to taking care of myself and am not even comfortable having it any other way, and I helped all day. It's obvious he's been depressed, and it's obvious he had a very sick wife he was taking care of- his house needs some TLC. Since I had the opportunity while I was helping cut up veggies and preparing food for the cookout I made sure to "wash up" a bit in his kitchen, wiping counters, throwing some crap away, straightening, piled up some stuff to get it out of the way so I could reach some surfaces that need to be wiped down. I opened up some windows that probably haven't been opened in a while and I noticed there are many other things he could use some help with. I helped clean up when we were all done eating. That's ME. It is my nature to be the "helper" and the domestic one. His family saw me in their "mom's" kitchen and it was hard but I am a super nice person so by the end of the night they said they felt their dad is safe with me and they are happy he has some happiness in his life instead of only being in pain day in and day out.
And MY GOD do I know how that feels. D knows I'm hurting. He can tell. But in no way did I want to compare my pain to his- he lost his wife who he loves dearly and was married to for 20 years. But last night I said- hey what's going to happen if your family likes me and you love me and then we can only be friends? I'll always care for you but it would be different- what happens then? He said he knew what he was getting into because I told him, clearly. He knows I love James. He knows how I feel, who I want to have as my future (as early as tomorrow if possible) but he also realizes that I care about him too and I like that he's happy and I like helping him- and I like how it feels when he hugs me, and I have not had that for a long time.
D said to me something that made me sob, and I don't normally cry around men. D has cried a bunch of times because he's got lots of emotions he's processing which I understand and I'm very compassionate- I know he misses his wife. My heart goes out to him. But he asked me "Are you happy?" I smiled and told him yes I am happy. But I am also sad. I can't lie or hide how I feel. I said I'm happy to spend time with D; he's so sweet. But I am sad because it doesn't make me stop missing James or wanting to see him again. D said, "I think it is actually easier for me because she is gone, totally. But for you James is still out there and it's still open and that must hurt bad." And I immediately started crying and said yes, exactly and no one can really understand what it feels like to mourn a person who is still alive, a person who told me he still loves me and always has, a person who said he does want me in his life- but for some reason I have not been able to get him here no matter how much I've loved him and wanted him here with me. I love James. D knows I love James because he says only a woman who is totally completely fully genuinely purely unconditionally in love with a man would try like this for almost four years. He knows I have worries about the "rules" of energy and what might block my chances of ever seeing James again.
But I also know that D brings joy to my life where I've had very little. And it's wearing on me, badly. So I am making the choice to go day by day and "enjoy" him as a blessing while I also help him with some things in his life, and with taking some of his pain away. He said he hurts every day but it's not as bad, and that's good. He's healing. It is a blessing that I can be honest with him about James, fully honest. That way I don't feel like I am being devious or manipulative. If I was not honest with D about how I feel about James, that I love him and still wish for him to be able to be in my life, or even just that I have this man in my heart and on my mind, then I'd feel terrible if I got close to him. I'd feel like I was lying through omission which is not what I want for my life. It's a unique situation since I don't have to hide my love for James or my hope that a miracle can still occur for us. I think D has even googled soul mates and soul energy because we both feel like we've known each other for a very long time and also because he wants to understand the twin soul thing. I told him to please not read about twin souls online because most of the info on the web is shit. But D clearly knows how I feel and what I believe.
D says that if/when this changes we will remain friends, and we will. I would hope that in his future once he is healed enough he might meet someone whose heart is fully available, who is looking to have a future together, so he can have another loving long-term relationship with a good woman. For now I can watch out for him. He hugged me last night and said, "I am so glad I met you like this. If I was ever going to love another woman besides my wife I am glad it is you because you will be careful with me where any other woman could destroy me." He knows I'd never be cruel to him.
To be honest I got no fucking clue what to do with all this. All along I've felt it is wrong in the moments when I've been tempted to be with anyone else besides James. At times I've even been shown a reflection and it has not always been great. So I'm not sure why this feels different to me or if I am ready to just LIVE instead of worrying that I am making the wrong choice. It's not wrong. Loving someone who is hurting and needs to heal and who is sweet (even with no guarantee of a future together) can't be anything but good. I am choosing that it is good. I am so tired of always being worried. Yes I want to have James back with me more than I want anything else in the whole world... but I've loved him and ached for him and wanted him and I cry over him and pine and mourn until it feels like I am going to die. It hurts so much, and no amount of writing in a journal or hearing a song play on the radio is enough to ease my pain.
I still firmly believe James has not been with me due to MY energy and intention. I will always believe that. And I swear to you I've tried so hard to do what I feel I'm supposed to in order to bring him closer to me. I've believed in this twin soul experience 110%, and I still do! I ADORE James. I love him and I miss him so much. I believe him to be a very good man who loved me and still does. I believe when he told me he loves me and wants me in his life. I believe he thinks I'd make the best wife, and he's wanted me to be his wife. But what do you do when you try and try and you can't seem to change it and the sorrow and sadness doesn't allow you to move further in any way? I just don't know. I miss James. I miss James so much. I miss him every day. I want to make James dinner. I want to go to cookouts with James.
I told D flat out, "Don't try to win me over. I already like you plenty. Just be yourself. Don't think you can make me forget about James or want him any less because it won't happen." And I mean that. I only want D to be kind and friendly like he is. He is not James. I don't love him like I love James. It's more of a caring type of love, but I guess I feel guilty because he feels good to kiss- although if I had my choice I'd be kissing James all night long like I used to. I love James and wish he was here. Yep I'm confused but trying to not be scared or feel guilty or wrong. James always told me I'd make the best wife. He said he wanted to marry me. I know he didn't change his mind, and it kills me knowing that despite how much I've loved him and wanted him with me I am still here without him. I will always hope and pray to see James some day. I would love to have him in my life. No one can ever compare to him. Yes I might be able to love other people but I'll never love anyone like I love James.
Bittersweet, let me tell ya. I still miss him every single day.
Jennifer
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