Songs...

 

I woke with a song in my head this morning which doesn't really happen anymore.  It used to a lot.  It is a magical experience to wake with a song in your head that you've never heard before or maybe you heard it 25 years ago, once.  I would grab my phone and google the lyrics before they disappeared from my mind to find out the song, to read the message it would give me.

"Goodbye Girl" is the song.  It holds strong meaning for me because the song it about a man who has left but is assuring the woman he loves her.  He tells her goodbye isn't forever, goodbye doesn't mean they won't meet again or be together again.  But the strangest part is when he sings, "Because the things you do my goodbye girl will bring me back to you."

Anyone who has read my blog knows I fully 100% believe, and still do, that James and I have a strong energetic/spirt connection, soul connection.  The strongest of anyone I've known.  And I know that he mirrors me.  I've never believed (or been shown) that I mirror him.  He's been the one to show me.  All along.  I still believe that he fell hard in love with me, and although I don't like to mention it or focus on this anymore- it stings when I go back to look at the journal I kept while we were dating.  I LOVED HIM SO MUCH and that terrified me!  I had a very strong fear of when I fell hard in love the man would, for some reason, leave me.  Like something would come up where he'd have to leave me behind even if he, you know, kinda loved me.  It was a suck-ass fear, and I think I understand now where it came from.  I had "insecure attachment" issues that I've since worked on healing.  But in my journal, and remember I'm a super strong manifestor and didn't realize it then (or else I would have NEVER ever written such things!) and I would beg God not to "make him leave" or let him leave me.  I was nervous that he'd want to go, to move away, and I couldn't go because my son has a wonderful father here.  And I was just so scared even though we had the start of the greatest love relationship!  So I'd focus, secretly, on being afraid he'd leave, and I WROTE THAT SHIT DOWN!  *ugh*  All that energy... focused on my worst fears.  So yes, I will always believe I "manifested" him leaving, and I STILL believe and know he loved me and never wanted to leave.  I just know it.  And it does kinda still haunt me.  

Then I had spirit begin to really speak strongly to me, and it scared me.  I was just a big ball of terrified, hurt, heartbroken, in love, energy.  Oh to go back and hug that poor suffering woman.  It makes me cry.  I hurt so bad, and I was so confused and all I could think of was "See?  It happened.  I'm not loveable enough!"  It was the absolute darkest time of my life.  If anyone out there is in that place I hope you read this and realize it is NOT because you are not loved.  It is the "twin flame" connection.  And it works to rid us of those fears, to show those fears to us so clearly, so we heal ourselves of them so we do not continue to KILL OUR DREAMS with those fears.

*sigh*  But I was also shown that I could fix it.  I could clear it, focus "rightly," focus on love and truth and somehow "allow" him back to me.  I saw it happen a few times.  He did get nearer.  He was the loving kind man I met, the loving gentle funny sweet dear little soul I met, dated and fell in love with.  He was able to be because I focused on love and truth.  Unfortunately my fears crept up over and over and over again, and I know *I* kept him away.

So, this song.  I was shown this song and the words hit home because they clearly tell me that the things *I* do would bring him back to me.  Not placing the responsibility on him.  It was always on me.  I did try.  But I had fears still.  

He was here once, three years later.  Three years.  And we spent the evening together and it was like a dream.  It was the last time I've seen him.  I miss his smile.  I miss his warm embrace.  I miss his smile.  

I met Dave... over a year later, a year or so after the last time I saw James.  Four years apart.  And when I met Dave little by little I stopped writing, stopped "trying."  It felt better to just LIVE and enjoy my life.  Sometimes hoping, hoping all the time, wore me down.'

Still though I miss him and I wish I could see him and talk with him again.  Hearing this song as I woke this morning shocked me because it's been so long, and the only message I can take from it is "The things you do will bring me back to you."  The only thing I can do is focus on the love, the goodness, the happy memories.  There's nothing else.  Spirit's shown me that.  I do enjoy getting the signs and messages.  It's been a while and sometimes I forget how magical my life was through those four years.  Mini-miracles happened often.  I experienced situations that many people never have or will.  I've never stopped being in awe of the miracles.  Of the signs.  Of the radio station changing on its own to play a special song, of spirit talking to me through my pendulum, of spirit speaking through my son to me.  I remember one day my little boy, about five years-old, looked up at me and said so seriously, almost imploringly, "He loves you mom!  James does love you!"  I remember how hard spirit tried to show me.  I remember James texting me and saying, "Good morning beautiful.  I love you with all of my heart" when I was worried if he really did love me.  

I wish I hadn't been so scared.  If I could share wisdom with someone who is in separation, wondering what is going on, truly feeling like they are in a twin flame/twin soul connection- try not to be scared.  Or at the very least don't focus on your fears.  Try to ignore then.  I wish I would have just allowed myself to miss him and love him, cry all the time if necessary over the ache I felt because I grieved over the loss of him in my life, and let that deep longing cleanse my anger and fear.  Let yourself miss him or her.  Love them.  Let yourself love them.  Let that love cleanse you on the inside.

It's a challenge.  Yes sometimes the thought of seeing James again and talking with him, honest discussion, seems like a fairy tale.  But I know in my heart it could happen.  I believe in manifestation.  I believe in the miracles.  I believe that if I focus my energy rightly then spirit could make it happen, put the pieces in place.  I feel that's what the song is about- a reminder that goodbye isn't forever.  Goodbye doesn't mean we will never meet again.  Because the things I do could bring him back to me.  I let that go often.  And just live my life.  But it sneaks up on me.  Like a tidal wave it crashes into me and I have a good cry.  I can almost feel him.  I can "see" him sitting next to me, telling me he needs to sit on "his side" of the couch.  I can feel what his arms would feel like around me.  Even after all this time.  

I think that if he knew how much I still love him, no matter what, and what he means to me he would only think lovingly of me.  I think he would find it endearing.  He was always so sweet.  And kind, understanding, and he loves hard.  He told me he loves being in love, loves love, loves falling in love and I know he thought I was sweet, cute, spirited and he felt gently towards me.  I know it.  I get this sad feeling like I just KNOW he wished he could have reached out to me, calmed me, soothed me, eased my pain and "make it all better."  I think it made him sad to know the pain I was in.  I still hold all of this inside of me.  I can remember the times he'd reach out and I could feel the longing and the missing and his own pain, like he wished SO MUCH that he could be with me and see me and hold me and kiss me.  He told me he wished and hoped he could come back and "be intimate" with me.  I cherish his choice of words still, "be intimate" means to hold close, to cherish, to love, to snuggle.  

Pillow talk.  I know he wanted pillow talk with me.  

That "knowing" haunts me.  It does.  I know it's hard to understand but now that I look back with no fear coloring my truth- I can see and remember how being separated from me hurt him too.  Because I was worth missing too.  I just didn't realize it back then.  

It's so... ugh.  when I met Dave, after a month or two, his best friend who lives in CA kept pushing him to move to CA.  And I told spirit, "Just no."  I wouldn't even consider it.  I told spirit that I am worth being here for, that I am so loveable I know it's not even an option.  And that was and is my truth but I know it was for James too.  He wanted to say here with me.  He told me but I was too scared to listen.  He told me if he fell in love with the right woman who had a good family (yes to both) that love could make him stay.  If then were now I'd take out my journal and write a hundred times a day that James is a solid good wonderful man who loves me tremendously, and I am thankful for that strong dear love, that I cherish it dearly.

I say that about David.  I cherish his love.  Love is love, no matter who it's with or from.  I am very thankful for Dave and his love for me.  VERY.  Focusing on love and being thankful for love is a very good thing.  Being grateful for the love in my life is important.  I'm trying to be very focused on love and goodness right now.  There is a lot going on in the world to distract us from focusing on the good in the world.  The other day I was feeling really crappy.  I was talking shit about someone I just really don't like, and I shouldn't have been focused on this person.  I can choose to have this person not be in my life.  That's all I have to do.  That night I had dreams about, well, shit.  Literally.  Poop everywhere, on the walls, floors, etc.  I woke knowing I was being shown not to have such shitty energy.  If I keep talking smack then I'll start dreaming of having nasty crud coming from my mouth.  Signs, spirit trying to grab my attention, show me what I am doing wrong so I can make it right that way I don't keep at the negative until I create something negative in my life from it.

I try to listen!  So focusing on love is a good thing.  Staying soft on the inside.  I used to battle with such terrible anger (another thing James showed me I needed to change) and while I've overcome that pretty well I still work at staying soft and loving.  I'm far from perfect and I have to reign myself in, remind myself and often very specifically shift my focus to where it needs to be when I'm focused on something I shouldn't be.  So honoring love is good.  No matter who the love is coming from, as long as it is good, healthy pure love.  Nothing but love.  I can't go wrong if I'm focused on love. 

It would be so sweet if James could come back and mirror me now.  I feel like I've cleansed a lot of what was inside of me.  I'm softer (on the inside and outside both lol!) happier, kinder, gentler.  We practice no religion whatsoever; it's not a part of my life at all.  But we thank God and pay attention to God, spirit, kindness and being loving good people.  That, to us, is what's important.  I feel in my heart that James is my one and only "twin soul" and he would still love me tremendously because he's my mirror.  He'd love me and show me my goodness.  I wish that could happen.  I wish he could come back and treat me like he did when we met, before my fears kicked up.  Those were the most blissful weeks of my entire life.  Best time of my life.  I've had other amazing times in my life, believe me!  But I can't deny that those times with James were the absolute most blissful times of my life.  Truly the best gift.  I'm blessed to have love in my life now.  But damn I still remember that bliss, a bliss like none other. 

I miss him.  I still love him.  I wish I could see him and talk with him again.  All I remember is the goodness, the joy, the kisses, the laughter, the smiles, the jokes- he made me laugh and it was a good thing, a great thing.  He was patient with me, respectful of me.  I would love to experience that again with James.  I miss my friend and my love.

xxoo

Jen

This Time of Year

 

Oh boy.  I didn't write on his birthday this year.  I was a bit relieved that I didn't cry gallons of tears.  That would be the first time in 7 years I haven't cried on our birthdays.  

I don't have the same pain anymore.  It has greatly dissipated.  But I still think of him every day.  Maybe you'll find this ironic.  I have been thinking it's okay now.  You know?  Life is great.  My life is wonderful and I don't... I can't put it into words but maybe "letting go" would be the best term.  Letting go of that old hope.  The dream.  Accepting life as it is.  I see these memes that say embrace what you have instead of holding on to what you thought life should be and I think well maybe that's what I am supposed to do.

So I have an old guy friend who sends me songs out of the blue sometimes and he's always been used as a messenger of sorts.  I get a thrill when I get his songs because I like to go see what the lyrics say.  I've often felt he sends me the things James is unable to.  Well he sent me a song the other day and when I went to Youtube to listed to it my phone showed me the last comment posted to the song.  It said something close to, "I want to let you know that I no longer miss you but not a day goes by that I don't clearly remember you."

*sigh*  It home for me.  I remember him Every. Single. Day.  About two weeks ago I had a super vivid dream of James, and I rarely dream of him.  It was odd.  He was around.  We were talking!  Like we were in the same room and we were talking and then he had to go.  I saw his smile.  I heard his sweet voice and I could so very clearly see his adorable face.  And then he was gone.  He told me he would see me soon or something like that and I was anxious.  I remember in the dream feeling anxious BUT the one part I totally remember is when he walked away I turned to the people I was with and I said, loudly and a few times in a row, "That man is going to be my husband!  That is the man who is going to be my husband!"  Oh man.  And then in the dream I was anxious but I decided to call him.  And he answered.  And he was kind, his soft voice.  His soft gentle hello.  Asking me how I was.  

That's about all I remember.  The kindness in his voice.  The gentleness.  How I miss that.  I miss my friend.  I do.  We were dating at this time of year and this weather always brings it back.  I remember walking through my neighborhood holding hands.  Going to Chicago for my dream date where we walked all over, pub hopped and he took me to Union for sushi.  And... pink frog or something like that for frozen yogurt.  We had such fun together.  We laughed.  He held my hand the entire time.  He was so so so perfect, and perfect for me.

I still miss him and love him so much.  More than anyone else I've ever loved.  And I've loved a lot.  I love.  A lot, lol.  I fall in love easily.  But I could let that romantic love go and it changed to a warm "I wish them well" kind of love.  This is different although I of course with him well.  I still love him, more than just friends.  At the same time I love him as a friend and I miss my friend.  I miss his laugh and the twinkle in his dear blue eyes.  

I remember our first kiss.  After our first date I was going to open my car door and he took my face in my hands and kissed me, deeply.  And I swooned.  I wanted another kiss!  All smiles.  He swept me off my feet.  The perfect man for me.  Perfect.  I miss him so much.

I miss you.

Sometimes I play out in my mind what it would be like to see him again, to talk with him.  Life is very different, in a good way, and I surely hope the same for him.  I've learned that relationship status doesn't change love.  I have a fiancé'.  He wants to marry me.  He would love to marry me.  He thinks I am perfect in every way and he loves me dearly.  I am blessed.  But that doesn't mean I am able to forget James, and he knows this.  I told him about my dream because... it threw me off.  I was struggling after that dream.  It was like I had seen him again!  I once asked my guy a question.  I asked him what would happen, and I know this sounds insane, if my love for James one day drew him back to me after I was already married since he wants to marry me so badly, no matter what.  He said we'd have to deal with that, wouldn't we.  He said I've always been honest and he realizes that I am still in love with James.  But he loves me and wants to marry me no matter what, no matter if I also love someone else, because I love him too and we are together now.  In the now, and we all must enjoy the love we have *right now.*  I'm so blessed to have him because ONLY he could understand.  

I have some alone time right now.  And I sit here imagining how wonderful it would be to sit down and talk to James again.  I imagine what it would be like to find an email from him or get a text saying, "Hi.  How have you been?"  It would be amazing.  I wish that would happen.  I wish I would get contact from him and we could sit down and talk again.  I would be honest with him, totally.  But I would be honest about how I feel.  I long to tell him that I still love him and always have.  I wish I could just tell him that I've missed him all this time and I love him and all I remember is how sweet he was to me and my son.  A blessing.  And that I've missed him every single day... because he is that special.  To me.  I want to hear about him, his life, how things are going for him.  And I'd like to tell him about me, about my son, my life, my work, my boyfriend.  I'd like to tell him how the love of my boyfriend really helped me because I was kind of dying inside.  But I wish I could be honest and tell him that when I met my boyfriend I told him all about James because I was so in love and felt I needed to honor that love no matter what, in my life or not.  

Like I said, I love hard.  I wish I could hug James.  I imagine hugging him for a really long time.  I wish I could!  I wish I could hug him again.  And just hug him.  I do remember our kisses because they are the sweetest best kisses I've ever experienced.  I can't help that.  I don't mean to sound mean but the connection I had with him was incredible and those kisses for hours and hours were out of this world incredible.  Heaven.  I think Heaven must feel like those kisses.  I enjoyed just sitting and kissing him.  It's challenging.  I remember him.  I remember how kind and sweet he was to me.  Funny.  He made me laugh.  We were similar and we meshed well and I thought he was so hilarious, and such a good match with me.  I found him very interesting and intelligent and I could talk with him for hours and hours.  It was amazing and wonderful and blissful.  And I miss him.  I wish I could have kept him in my life.  I wish I still knew him.  I wish he was in my life.  

Odd how although years pass it feels like yesterday.  It feels like yesterday that he would walk up to my door, wait for me to open it and come in and kiss me.  So kindly.  And he was thoughtful, always had some small token, something thoughtful, to give me or a trinket or candy for my son.  Just so generous and kind and thoughtful.  Everything I asked for.  I asked for him and he came to me.  I miss that gift.

People can't be replaced.  Having love in my life now doesn't replace James.  Nothing can replace him in my heart.  Knowing him was the most joyful, blissful and exciting time in my life.  I can't deny that I have a hard time with the idea of getting married to someone else.  I do.  I can't help it.  Even in my dreams I'm being reminded... of how much I wanted to marry James.  I guess we can't change our hearts no matter what.

I remember reading about other twin souls who would harden their hearts, hate their twins, force themselves to move on and reason away the connection.  I can't do that.  I can't harden my heart.  I still love him.  I've never been able to fully let go of that dream no matter what.  It's not something I can explain to my boyfriend- I do not want to hurt him.  But if I told him that I was struggling, that I know it sounds stupid and crazy and inconceivable but I want to stay as we are, engaged, together, loving each other, and leave at that until I feel differently he'd understand and accept it because he loves me so much and is a wonderful amazing soulful empathetic kind human being.  For now we just are and that's okay.  Love is love and love is good.  At the beginning I felt guilty but not anymore.  Love is a good thing, and we love each other.  I just still also love James and miss him.

There is my check in.  I wish that one day I can talk with my twin soul again.  I miss him dearly.  I'll love him forever.

xxoo

Jen  

Hug

 

Don't Give Up- Peter Gabriel

This is how I wish we could hug.

xxoo

Jen 

Thank You

 

I remember our first date.  I know it would sound strange to most people but even though it's been seven years I still "feel" it.  I feel the memories.  I can't help it.  I've said over and over on here that I am "normal" and sane, well not really normal because I manifest strongly and have "supernatural" experiences happen to me all the time so I guess I'm not really normal and that's okay.  But I am super stable, down-to-earth and a really good person.  And I still remember James even though it's been seven years.  Like get over it already, right?  Well it's not like that.  

This picture reminds me of our first date.  We sat at the park on a bench and looked at the sky and talked.  It was the most beautiful evening and experience, and birthday.  My 40th birthday, my gift.  It was the best night ever.  Seriously.  I liked him from the very start; he was perfect to me.  So sweet, so intelligent and mesmerizing and adorable and friendly and respectful and overall wonderful.  My heart aches.  I still miss him so much.  

I wish I could tell James thank you, but in person.  I wish I could thank him for what he showed me.  I so wish I could have a totally open conversation with him where I could tell him, "Yep this is how it was for me," and explain that knowing him, the connection I shared with him back then, made me have to finally believe and accept that I am a strong manifestor and he, as my strongest mirror, showed me everything I should NEVER think, or speak or write.  That if I focused on what I didn't like, or what I was scared of or worried about, or doubts, that those things would show up in my life as reality because I was creating my own life with those thoughts, beliefs, etc.  He showed me that in a way I could not ignore.  And I wish I could thank him for that because I saw it, clearly, and I believe it fully and I live my life by always realigning my focus to the best things I want for myself and my life.  Because he showed me to do that.  And it was so so so hard, challenging and painful for both of us.  I put him through a lot with my energy, and I wish I could say thank you and I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry, and all I do is love you.  Every day.  Love you, still.  Please know that I still love you, and I always will no matter what.  I will go to my dying day realizing how special you are to me.  

It really is true what is said about "twin souls" or "twin flames."  The connection is real.  It lasts.  I can't really explain to you what the connection is.  I know that for those four years that I was in contact with James we had strong telepathy even if he didn't realize it (and he didn't need to realize it because he did his part perfectly whether he knew what was happening or not.)  I could think something, or speak it, or write it down and he would typically email me and reflect that thought back to me somehow.  It is an eerie experience because you suddenly realize energy is real and life is more than you ever believe it could be.  Your thoughts are not your own.  The universe hears them and sends you people and experiences that "mirror" what you are thinking.  It's really strange when you start to actually see that happen in your life.  Luckily for me James came into my life and he showed me all of my erroneous thinking and beliefs that I had to clear in order to have a very happy life.  And I thank him for that.  After those four years, after I stopped hearing from him, I still get signs.  I get "nudges" when I don't feel like writing about him or keeping him in mind, and when I do think of him or speak of him or write about him I get the signs all over again.  So the energy is still there no matter what.  And I think that is very special.

I still miss him though.  That's the challenging part.  I wish I could walk with him and talk, and maybe hold hand.  And be friendly and intimate and talk and be open and honest and I wish I could tell him that I've missed him every single day since October of 2013.  Every day.  Not a day has went  by where I haven't thought of him.  Or spoke to him in my head.  Or wished I could see his lovely smile again.  I imagine dancing with him, holding hands and talking, smiling, loving each other, even quiet love.  

I've gained weight.  Not a ton but enough that I can tell.  And I'm gonna tell you why.  Sometimes I still ache and I long to do whatever makes me feel good to override that ache so I eat and I still really have to work hard on not drinking too much alcohol.  When I met my boyfriend Dave it was VERY hard for me.  You have NO idea.  I had it in my head for four years that I needed to be alone and not be with anyone else, and it was deeply ingrained into my heart and psyche that I did not want another lover besides James.  Four years is a long time.  But I loved him so much.  And I didn't have it in me to be with someone when I loved another so much.  Like how could I do that?  The lack of honesty and transparency would have fucking killed me.  I couldn't do it.  And then I met Dave and told him all this seemingly crazy stuff about James and all he said was he understood, respected my love for James but asked me to please let him love me anyway.  And I liked him which grew to loving him and caring about him and here we are.  We are happy.  But... I'm not always content because I still love James and I still ache.  I still wish.  I still miss him dearly and, no excuse, I think for a long time alcohol just helped take the edge off.  So I drank.  And I went out to have fun and I've gained weight.  But oh well I guess it could be worse.  I've been working hard on cutting back.  Most of the time I do a good job.  But I still ache and that can hurt.  I just wish I knew him again.  I wish I had him in my life.  I miss my friend.  My love.  I'll never forget.  I still love him and miss him.

It was this time when I was getting to know James.  Talking every day.  Planning to meet.  Getting to know each other was great fun.  He was so exciting and fun.  Easy to talk to and he always wanted to talk.  He wanted to know me, and he put the effort in.  He was excited too and he showed me.  He was happy to show me that he was happy to know me and wanted to know me better.  Friendly, cute, special, kind, funny, talkative, responsive, respectful, open.  He made me laugh.  He made me hopeful.  I loved knowing him.  I loved having him in my life.  I looked forward to hearing from him.  I looked forward to hearing his voice and talking to him into the wee hours of the morning.  We became buddies fast.  We were like-minded in many ways.  I can still remember how I felt knowing him.  I remember, and it aches.  Bittersweet.  It was such a great exciting fun time in my life knowing James.  This weather makes me think of him.  Funny how memories can be so strong even seven years later.  So much has happened, changed.  I've said time and again on here I have a great life.  I do.  I have a super happy awesome life.  My son totally just told me, "You are the BEST mom," and walked away.  I am so blessed and fortunate to have huge love in my life.  I am blessed in every way.  I really am.  I have a great happy life filled with so much good stuff.  Yet all of that still doesn't stop the fact that I remember James and I still miss him and love him and wish I could talk with him again.  I miss my friend.

I miss my sweet friend!!!

Jen

As Time Goes By

So this is why I often push the whole "twin flame" and James situation from my head.  Because when I start to think about it the floodgates open and I REMEMBER.  And then I get signs.  I hear all the songs.

When James and I met for the first time he hugged me, first thing.  We walked from our cars to greet each other.  He looked SO freaking cute!  And he hugged me and said, "You are just as beautiful and I knew you would be."  And he asked if I wanted to go inside for a beer.  He held the door for me and the song "Closer" by NIN was playing.  He said something like, "Some song lyrics hold a lot of meaning, like this one."  Ha!  But whenever I hear that song I think of him and his sly comment.  So the other night my boyfriend and I went out for dinner and on the way there and home we were playing music.  He was asking me what I wanted to hear and I told him to choose because I'd chosen a few songs already.  He paused and said, "What do you think of the song Closer by NIN?"  Now I get it- it's a dude song.  It's about sex, "I want to feel you from the inside."  But he had also played "Take on Me" on the way there.  When he asked me about "Closer" I got quiet and told him I'd rather not hear it.  I just can't.  It's so 80s and it just brings back to much for me.  But those things happen a lot once I start thinking about James.  I see his name everywhere.  I hear the songs.  I hear songs that feel like he's talking to me.  It is just out of this world.

I have a point.  Another thing that happens is I remember James, like when we dated.  How sweet he was.  I remember how much he fell in love with me.  Our late night conversation when he told me, "I'm already falling in love with you."  Talking about marriage, how he could see us married, how he'd never been a dad but he could try, that he'd teach my son about science and help him with sports.  He was genuinely a GOOD, kind, dear, sweet, understanding, patient, emotional, LOVING, cute and endearing person.  He always told me he realized how waiting for an answer to an email could cause stress and he'd never want to do that to me.  He went out of his way to be *responsive* to me because he knew the anxiety an unanswered text could bring to anyone.  He was very aware of protecting my emotions and taking care of me.  He was also very patient with me.  Gentle.  Unusually so.  He was just so cute.  But my point is to go from that to "fell off the face of the earth" STILL frustrates me because I know it wasn't HIM.  I know it is not what he wanted.  I know it wasn't his intention.

THAT is what blows my mind, to this day.  It has been almost seven years since this all happened.  I started talking with James 7/31/13.  It's almost seven years.  And I am a grown ass woman with a lot of responsibility, a busy life, a son, a dear man in my life, a career, and I am an artist.  I camp, I travel, I stay busy.  If it wasn't so BIG then I'd "let go of it."  But I can't.  BECAUSE I KNOW HE LOVED ME.  He loved me when he disappeared from my life.  He loved me.

It's taken these years of distance to see things very clearly.  The time and distance has allowed me to get rid on most of the fear, if not all.  Someone might ask, "Then why are you not with your twin" and the best answer I have is I may have KNOWN what to do but I couldn't do it.  I was too afraid of "my reflection."  My twin soul experience was BRUTAL.  It caused me tons of inner turmoil and terror.  When you have the person in your life who you love SO SO much, "The One," and that person turns out to be your biggest mirror and you have tons of fear and bullshit inside, get ready for the ride of your life on the scariest ride ever.  He mirrored me so hard; it was intense and unless you've been through it you can't understand, and you'd have to believe it in order to understand.  But it scared me.  He scared me due to what he had to show me and I couldn't shake that fear.  So it was a constant mirror of love and fear due to my love and fear.  I couldn't step far enough away from it to change it.

Throw in absolutely ACHING to hear from him, wanting him in my life, but he wasn't and that made me nuts.  And I missed him and so many people in the twin flame community told me "You can't miss him!  You can't be sad or else he won't come back" so I'd fight against missing him and it was so hard.  I missed him along with loving him.  I ached for him.  I was so heartsick.  I loved him SO much.  I really did.  I still do.  But that yearning was horrible and it was all just so overwhelming.

If I was back to say five years ago I would have allowed myself to focus more on LOVING him, and MISSING him, and letting myself grieve and cry and feel sad because that sadness cleansed me as it came from a place of love.  It made me soft inside.  It kept me loving, gentle and kind.  It erased my fears.  It was when I tried to be strong and NOT feel sad that the anger and fear took over, and it was the anger and fear that kept him away from me because "spirit" made sure he did not reach out to me when I felt that way.  Or my energy did it.  Something did it because I KNOW James felt badly staying away from me.  I know he did.  He showed me over and over again but back then I was just too immersed in my fear to be able to 100% believe it.

Looking back now though I do see it.  After nearly three years of near silence, not seeing each other, the weirdest communications ever, he ended up with me.  I had fought with my energy, seriously fought.  Wrote how badly I wanted to see him, thought about it, told the universe I had to see him and I knew he wanted to see me and one day he was just here, unexpectedly.  And when he saw me he hugged me.  I keep marveling over that- he HUGGED me.  And I could tell by his face and his hug that he MISSED me and he didn't like this, didn't want it.  He'd email me, when I had a good moment with my energy, and he'd say he missed me, that he wanted to come back, that he wanted to see me.  But I'd freak out (on the inside mind you) and he'd go quiet again AND IT MADE ME CRAZY.  He responded to my energy, 100%.  And that reality took a very long time for me to believe fully because, come on, how "real" is it for someone to respond to your energy and thoughts?  Like, is that even REAL?  Turns out it is.  It isn't a fairy tale and it's taught me a lot about life and to make sure I love with the purest intentions I can because my inner secret intentions and energy are always known and reflected back to me by people in my life.  But James did it the hardest, the fullest, with the most intensity.

To this day though I sit here and feel a type of frustration because I know that he loved me.  He was actively in love with me, deeply in love with me, and I know he wanted to stay with me.  I know it hurt him to leave.  I know he missed me and ached for me, and that makes me sad.  When we were together last we made love and he touched me so tenderly, touched my face and kissed me while being intimate with me.  And afterwards he held me and while it was SUPER FUCKING WEIRD because I'd waited nearly three years for that moment at the same time it was obvious he tremendously missed me, wanted that moment too.  Ugh he asked if we could hang out and spend the day together soon.  He was sweet and kind, James, my James.  It won't go away, the feeling of "But I know he loved me" and love doesn't just go away.  It can simmer, lay low, but when nothing happens to change love- it remains.  He knew I am a good person.  I must have seemed a bit crazy at times (God did I let my fear get to me, big time) but I was never mean.  I just insisted that I knew he loved me.

And you know what, never ONE TIME did he deny that!  And at the end he finally told me, "You are right!  I do love you.  I always have."  He said he wanted to be with me.  And the last time I heard from him was a call from him, again unexpected, where he let me know... he wanted to be with me.

I'm not exactly sure what I did.  If I pulled away from the energy too much in the end.  I wanted him back so much but I was also lonely and thought about how nice it would be to date someone, be with someone who was actually here.  I suppose I was being "a runner" on the inside.  At that time someone left a comment on my blog telling me "You are the runner" and I feel it was a message I was supposed to hear.  After that I tried desperately for the next year to focus on my energy, release my anger energy, be only love, clear myself, and hold on to James.  I had multiple really nice men ask me out and I told them no because I was in love with someone else.  I TRIED so hard.  I was militant.  But a year later I'd heard nothing and then I met my boyfriend, when I totally was not looking in any way shape or form, and here I am- three years later.

But all along... I've missed James. When I met Dave I wanted James.  I told Dave all about James.  Thank God David is as patient, kind and understanding as a saint.  And he loves me so much, so much that he accepts my love for someone else along with my love for him.  But I still miss James.  I remember his sweetness and how much in love we were, and that love never ended.  The physical closeness did but that love never ended.  WE never ended.  There was no "end." I don't think there was supposed to be.  I know the love was there.

I wish I could talk to him. I hope he feels my love for him,  still.

Jen

In My Heart, Still

I Won't Give Up on Us

How's everyone?  I hope anyone who might read this is doing well in all ways.  I know this has been a challenging time for most people, physically, emotionally and mentally.  I hope you are well, healthy and happy.

Years back when I felt I was going through a "twin soul" or twin flame experience I came across a few really good resources.  One was a psychic who totally knew her stuff and had been through the experience herself.  I mentioned her before on my blog because one day she told me she could no longer talk to me because my higher self didn't want her to, and she basically hung up after telling me to follow my own strong guidance.  I wish I had done so.  I wish I hadn't been so scared of my own reflection being shined at me through James, my sweet James.

One thing she told me was that twin souls, the people who end up in these connections, are very strong manifestors.  We have very strong energy.  She said if we use our energy right we can have only goodness in life if we manifest it.  And I've learned over these last few years that she was 100% correct.  I manifest very quickly.  I have to be careful to only ask for what I really want, and I have to be careful not to let myself complain or bitch or sink into lower energy because then I bring experiences to me that I don't want.  I take very seriously affirming my life in order to make sure I keep only goodness coming to me, and it comes quickly.  So throughout this COVID 19 situation I've actually been living my best life.  I'm working from home with tons of freedom and I LOVE IT.  I love being with my son, being home, hanging out, having the freedom to work in the house in between zoom calls, make nice dinners, sit outside on my deck with the laptop while my son plays or we have a bon fire or we cook outside, etc.  It's been absolutely wonderful.  I've had an income, we are healthy, and it's been perfectly awesome.  Life has been amazing.  I know that's not the case for everyone and my heart goes out to those who are struggling but for me I am grateful for the blessed times I've had.  I'd like to work like this for the remainder of my career and I do believe I can create ANYTHING I want to as long as I really focus on it and on positive energy.  So that's where I am right now, and I hope the same for anyone who might be reading this.

I do still miss James.  I do a really good job of putting it out of my mind though, and I do that often.  I am enjoying my life.  I've been on vacation.  I have a cabin on a creek.  I love my free time.  I have tons of good strong love in my life, dear friends, family and a sweet boyfriend who absolutely adores me and treats me amazingly well.  So I kinda go with my life.  It hurts too much to look back at what was, and it hurts to wish for something that I don't have so I tend to not do it.  I don't spend much time writing about James or thinking about him.  But then I get reminders.  And I "feel" him or I get a huge memory of him and it aches.  It still aches.  I still miss him but because sometimes it hurts to miss someone so much I push it away.  But it is still there.  I wish I could talk to him.  I wish I could sit down and see his smiling face and have a nice sweet kind conversation with James again.  I imagine that he would still think I am beautiful and he would think I am as wonderful as he did before.  I just know he would because that's how the connection is.  I tend to think one of the reasons why we have not magically reconnected is because I pay it little attention, give it no manifestation energy and since we attract to us what we focus on... with no focus I'm not sure it will ever happen.

But that doesn't mean I don't wish for it to.  I'm still with the same man I met three years ago, Dave.  He is a sweet man.  He still stands firm in that if somehow I were to connect with James again he would want me to have a conversation with him, see him again, spend time with him and see how it feels, how James feels, what the universe would bring to us.  So I shouldn't feel guilty but I guess sometimes I do because I know how much Dave loves me, and YES I realize it sounds like a fairy tale but I've had people tell me their twin souls have reached out to them ten years later.  So it could happen.  I KNOW it could, and I firmly believe it could, one day.  But I feel in my heart it only would if I "bring" it to me.  And I tend to just enjoy my life as it is now and fly through life being happy for my now. 

Once in a while, like now, it hits me though.  My long-time friend who also has a twin soul feels the same about her guy.  We still think of them and we know none of this was ever "normal."  They loved us.  A lot.  James loved me a ton.  We were perfect together, absolutely perfect... although I did need to learn a ton about myself, about life, about manifestation energy, about creating, about being a good person, an honest person, about feeling safe being ME and glorifying in being ME.  In loving myself and allowing myself to be loved.  To trust in love, to trust when someone showed me he truly was falling deeply in love with me.  To realize I WAS WORTH IT.  That I am worth it.  I can't really wish to go back because Dave really needed me in his life to help him through after his wife died.  I can't be that selfish to wish these last seven years hadn't happened.  But I do wish I could sit down with James knowing that I was always worth staying for.  That I was what he wanted, a life with ME.  I was worth it!  I feel sad for the Jennifer I was back then, so scared that I wasn't "enough" to stay for, to make a life with.  I always worried that I would "love him more than he loved me."  *sigh*  I don't let myself look back too far because some of the choices I made for myself before I met James are painful to remember so I don't let myself.  I just honor who I am right now: honest, pure, worthy, loveable, healthy, full of self love, a strong sense of self-worth.  A good loving mother who tries her best.  A good human.  Meeting James changed me a lot, thankfully, and my deep strong militant love for him helped protect me through some dark times where I could have made bad choices for myself but I kept reminding myself... I had been loved so purely, so wonderfully, so innocently, so PERFECTLY in my short time with James and I didn't want to tarnish that.  I didn't want to back track.  When you meet a man who is only interested in BEING IN YOUR PRESENCE, who says he will wait for you, until you're ready, who wants nothing more to just hold you and spend time with you and talk to you and email and call on the phone and talk for hours... and who doesn't pressure you for more- you hold on to that love even when it is no longer physically with you.  That's how it was for me.  I held on to that love and no matter how low I sank, how much I hurt, how badly I wanted to just throw myself into someone else to erase the ache for a moment- I wouldn't let myself go backwards to "less" than that perfect love.

That's one thing I can say about all of this.  THANK GOD I waited and honored that love.  It took me four years after James to allow myself to love someone else, and he is a good man.  A damn good man who desperately needed to be loved as well.  I am thankful that I didn't "go backwards."  I listened to my soul when it told me "maybe you shouldn't do that" within those four years while I was healing and grieving and falling apart only to be put back together in a more healthy balanced BRIGHT way.  And I heard my soul tell me when it was finally okay to let myself be loved by Dave.  Although it wasn't easy.  I missed James the first time Dave kissed me and I miss him still.  I still love James.  I've found we can love two people at once, and I do.  And it's okay.  My heart still longs for him though.  I can remember his cute smile, his bright beautiful blue eyes and how he would reach out to gently touch my face with a smile before he would kiss me.  I remember our sweet long kisses, like making out like teenagers kisses, hours on my couch just kissing.  Those were sweet moments, and I miss James.  I miss our conversations about the universe.  I miss him telling me I am made of stardust.  I miss the youthful bounce to his step, how he was so cute and funny and friendly and he made me laugh, a lot.  So talkative and sweet.  A perfect fit.  My buddy and my love.  I became good friends with him and it is so so hard when a friend is suddenly gone so I still grieve. 

I'm still in a "twin soul" connection even after all of this time.  So for anyone reading this- don't think I've forgotten because I haven't.  I've had to get on with my life, for my own sake and the sake of my son.  I HAD to.  Living like I was, staying alone while ACHING every day for this person who was not with me, would have eventually done me in.  I think I was alone for long enough and had to move forward but that doesn't mean I ever stopped loving James.  I love him.  I wish the best for him.  I hope he's been happy and well loved himself because all I want for him is happiness. 

But I still wish he was part of my life. 

I love you.  I miss you.  I really do.  I wish you could see my son, talk with him for a while.  He loves rocks, is a huge fan of geology and he wants to be a NASA scientist.  You'd have a great conversation with him. 

"There's a place in my heart though we're far apart.  May you always know.  No matter since I saw you I keep a flame there for you where ever I go."

xxoo

Be well

Jen

My Sweetest Friend

This is my favorite lady that I've drawn.  Currently I'm drawing and sewing with a goal to sew clothes that I embellish myself with my drawings and art.  I'll get there.  Learning to sew is fun but not necessarily simple.

I've been moody.  I get sad.

Oddly enough this blog has like 750,000 views.  That is crazy to me.  I can only hope that this strange blog has helped a few people.  What I hope is anyone who stumbles across this realizes is I really am a fairly normal, well-adjusted, kind, loving, successful 46 year-old woman and mother of an ADORABLE ten year-old son.  I've got a great job, happy life, own my home, drive a nice car... basically what I am saying is I am very stable.  Even though this blog reads like I must be nuts- I'm not, at all.  I know what I've experienced has been very real.  I know that when I think about something it often happens, or the thing/person/experience comes to me once I think about it, especially if I think hard.  Especially if there is a lot of emotion involved.  I know that my experience with James was filled with strong energy and was like magic would pop into my real life, like it was at times so "out of this world" and unreal, the things that would happen, supernatural really.  Yet I know those things really did happen, even if looking back it sometimes blows my mind.  I hold the entire experience, even though parts were difficult, close to my heart.  I protect that reality and I won't even write it off as "Maybe I imagined parts of it."  I've deleted all the communication between me and James.  Well, not all.  I actually have some of our original messages to each other.  From when we dated.  I have my old iPhone from back then.  It is sitting on my dresser.  About once a year I charge it and read the texts, and look at the pictures- there is a photo of James standing by the Chicago River, a photo I took on our date, and he looks So. Darn. Adorable.  OMG, the cutest, sweetest thing ever!  So so so so cute- it melts my heart but also breaks my heart!!!  The only thing I have not done in a very long time is listen to his old voicemail messages.  He used to call me and leave me super sweet messages telling me how much he loved me, how beautiful he thought I was.  I just can't.  Maybe one day I'll power up that phone and listen to him calling me after I'd fallen asleep, after we'd talked for three hours, and he told me... "I love you."  To this day- it feels like someone squeezes the shit out of my heart when I remember. 

Sometimes it is bittersweet.  I don't always understand it.  When I think about James, especially if I write about him (which I don't very often these days,) I will get signs.  I'll hear James Taylor's "Sweet Baby James" or songs will play that remind me of James.   It always happens.  But I feel like if I just stopped thinking about him, blocked it out, then I'd get no signs and it would all just disappear.

That's why I don't really think that "twin flames" will ALWAYS come back together.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe some day out of the blue he'll reach out to me but I'm just not sure.  I feel like I'd have to focus really hard on that and maybe *poof* one day he'd think, "Maybe I should call her or see her and talk with her."

Really what is, and will always be, the most bittersweet part about all of this is I had him right here with me.  We were a good couple.  We had fun together.  We had no "ending."  When he left he said to me, "This isn't goodbye.  This is until we see each other again."  I was still his girlfriend.  Nothing changed.  HE LOVED ME.  I'm not in denial.  I've had men in my life tell me "I'm just not that into you" and I'm okay with that.  I GET it.  People don't always click.  But James and I, we clicked.  STRONGLY.  Strong clicks.  Lots of clicks.  We talked for hours and hours.  Our conversations went on well into the night.  When we were together we kissed and kissed and talked and kissed.  No TV playing, no distractions.  It was just us enjoying each other's company.  I miss him.  I honestly just miss James. There was no closure.  There was never, not once, a time when that man ever denied loving me.  And I know it is because he DID love me.  He never stopped loving me. And despite all of the really strange shit that went on- ridiculous stuff that I knew I was creating- he was never able to deny his love for me.  One of the last things he told me was that I was right, he'd always loved me.

It's really painful to get to know someone, get close with a person, fall deeply in love with a person, start feeling like that person could be your future, and then suddenly that person is 100% gone.  I can't explain how much it hurts.  I wish I could go back and worry less, believe more, enjoy more, let go of the fear of rejection, fear of being so easily let go of.

I HATE THAT MY FEARS BECAME MY REALITY WITH JAMES.

I mean, I know it taught me a lot.  It finally showed me that manifestation is 100% real and I have to be super careful with my energy.  I *swear* sometimes I feel like I literally make things happen.  If I am in a tiff then my coffee might spill or I'll trip or something like that.  And when I'm very careful to be positive and grateful then life flows more smoothly than ever; people are super nice to me, stuff falls into place, and life just works out for me.  So I really am very aware of my energy and protecting it.  Not that I'm perfect but I do my best.  And I started REALLY believing in manifestation once the shit hit the fan with James.  So I have to be thankful that I was shown, but damn... that doesn't stop the ache any.  I still miss him.  After all this time I still freaking love him and wish I knew him again.

I've been more moody and emotional these last few weeks.  As I stated above I don't write very often anymore, and I especially don't write much about James.  I wonder if I did would it make me feel better?  If I used that as an outlet instead of trying to ignore how I feel?  Because I do.  I push it down and try to ignore how much I miss him.  I focus on enjoying my life, being happy with the goodness in my life, and I try to overlook that one thing that I don't have, the loss that makes me ache.  Because, you know, we are supposed to focus on what we have, right?  But when I ignore how I feel it gets all bottled up and then overflows and I get moody, and then I cry.

I wish I could go back and just be thankful for my gift.  I wish I could go back knowing what I know now.  I'd ignore any doubts and simply embrace the wonderfulness of being in love with each other.  It was special.  It was real.  It was pure.  It was good.  He was respectful and caring of me.  He was patient and kind.  He was such a good man.  A very good man.

My son tells me he wants to be a Geologist and a NASA scientist.  My son is so sweet.  But I have to laugh.  James is a Geologist.  PJ would like James.  I remember James asked PJ what his favorite insect is and PJ said, "An ant."  And now he has an ant farm.  He is fascinated with ants.  It's painful to want to talk to someone so much and to not have that person in my life.  I just wish we could talk, like really sit down and catch up and smile and laugh and be kind to each other and enjoy each others company like we did before.  I wish I could experience the James I knew when we dated, when we were together, when we met.  That giddy, silly, lighthearted, fun, exciting, loving, kind and wonderful friendship we had together.  I miss my friend.

I'm having a hard time with this right now.  It comes in waves, really.  I'll be fine and then all of a sudden I feel so sad, aching, missing him, wishing I could know him again.

It hurts and I try so hard to ignore it and Just. Be. Happy.

I'm not sure what I am supposed to be doing.  Telling myself it's my past, keep it in the past, and finally let go of it all?  Ignore it?  That thought makes me so sad.  Maybe I should just keep on loving him and honoring that love and even hoping that one day I will see his beautiful smiling face again and hear his sweet voice and be able to talk with him like we used to, with smiles and laughter and silliness and joyfulness.

GAH!  If anything it reminds me to always make sure to keep my energy in check and leave any shady dark feelings at the door.  Sometimes I get frustrated and moody and then I have a tendency to have brief bouts of anger, which I really try to avoid by any means.  In my opinion it is better for me to feel sad over missing him, cry a little, feel a bit of heartache than feel irritated.  But what happens is when I ignore my heart THEN I get angry.  When I push it all down, avoid thinking about James, close my heart off to my very real desire to know him again *then* eventually I get frustrated and irritated and it all boils up and I ask myself when I feel so moody and sooner than later I having a crying spell and usually I feel better, because I allow myself to cry over him, over how much I miss him and still love him.

If there is anyone in the midst of a separation, the one huge piece of advice I would give you is please realize this is NOT about the "relationship."  Yes it is about the LOVE.  And it is fine to hope to be together some day.  It is fine to hold on.  It is fine to miss your twin soul/twin flame.  But avoid blaming your twin.  Avoid thinking negative stuff about him (or her.)  I wish people experiencing this connection could understand that anything you think about your twin will become reality.  So think the best, and block out any fears, doubts, etc.  I know it's scary and challenging but it is super important.  They don't mean it.  They are stuck being our mirrors, and the entire situation isn't easy on either person.  I will always believe that James actually wanted to have me in his life.  I know in my heart that this was all... not of this earth, not the reality we think of, and all based on strong energy and all along he loved me and missed me too.  I feel like I actually kept him away from me due to all of the crazy shit I thought inside, and that sucks.  I wish I could go back and clean that thinking up- if I knew then what I know now it would be very different.

I've often thought of writing a book about twin flames, about my experience and what it taught me.  But I want the happy ending that is in my heart.  I want to end the book with "And we hugged and talked and were happy, loving and good to each other."

I still love and miss my sweet friend, my sweetest friend, so much.  Thank you for allowing me to share that here because here I can share it all; I have for so long.

Come to me my sweetest friend.  Can you feel my heart again.   Come to me with secrets bared.  I love you more so don't be scared.  I'll take you back where you belong and this will be your favorite song.

My sweetest friend.  He used to call me his future. 

Never Goes Away

Obviously I don't write here often anymore.  I don't have much to say as it pertains to twin souls or twin flames.  I wish I could tell you that James and I have had some type of "reunion" but that hasn't happened.  I have a very good blessed life, and I thankful for the life I have.  My life is filled with love. 

Despite all the goodness I still miss James a lot.  Yesterday my friend Beverly came over to visit with me.  She is by far my dearest friend, and she understands me.  My boyfriend and I are engaged.  And people are wondering why I am not "gleeful" and squeeing it out all over my Facebook page.  Bev says she thinks I am in turmoil, and in a way I am.  Why?  Because I dreamed of something different.  I dreamed of being married to James.  I've always wanted it to be James.  But I live in the here and now, and my boyfriend Dave is a dear man.  He truly is, and he loves me so much, and I feel like I am meant to be in his life, in the here and now.

It is really difficult for me to express how I feel.  I feel... unnerved.  Unsettled.  Just now I started crying and I needed to come and blog.  Bev has ALWAYS believing my experience with James; she even dreamed of him once.  She dreamed he came to one of our big friend parties and everyone was able to meet him.  Just like my sister dreamed of our wedding.  I wanted those experiences so badly, and I am still not "over it."  I'm not.  Even after all of this time I still feel melancholy about him.  I love James.  I hope he's happy, wherever he is.  I don't know anything about his life right now.  I only remember the man I met and fell hard in love with, the best love I've ever been in.

W can't hide from our hearts.  I can't hide from my heart.  My heart knows the inner truest depths of how I feel.  Yes I am happy.  Yes I love Dave.  I guess I feel like since there is no James in my life then it is inevitable that I will marry David one day.  As I always say, he is a very good man and I love him.  I care about Dave deeply, and I do love him.  But GOD DAMN it is so fucking hard to still love this other man, and to wonder where he is, and to dream about him, and to... remember him so clearly, and to yearn to hear from him and know him again.

I still wish I could meet James again and sit down to talk with him.  I wish we could talk, like really truthfully honestly talk.  The man I met the night I turned 40- he was a sweet dear dreamboat of a man.  And I miss him.  I've been feeling off kilter for the last few days, and I think now I realize it's because I am trying to ignore my heart, push away how I feel because IT IS NOT CONVENIENT.  What would be convenient is to enjoy my life, be happy, be happy in love, be excited to get married, plan how and when we are going to get married, feel light-hearted about it all, and revel in the fact that this dear man David thinks I am perfection and loves me with all of his heart.  But I am finding it really hard to let go.  It hurts.  I am torn. 

How am I torn?  I guess I feel better living with Dave, loving him, sharing life with him without thinking about tomorrow or making societal commitments.  I'm super struggling.  I want to see James again so badly.  Even thought I don't write much in my journal anymore, and I don't really do anything to try (with my energy) to clear the connection or "reach out to him" with my mind/heart/energy- I still miss him.  And I think what happens is I push all of that stuff to the side and all of a sudden it all hits me so hard. 

My son wants to be a Geologist.  Of course he does.  He's in love with rocks right now, and all he wants to do is prospect and find gems and learn about them.  He's a huge Minecraft fan and he likes to take it "into the real world" by learning about stones, finding them, etc.  I miss my Geologist.  I miss the conversations I had with James.  They were so inspiring; he was so inspiring.  And he was so sweet to me.  I ache because I still know in my heart that he loved me dearly, and that love never really went anywhere.  I could tell the last time I heard his voice that he still loved me.  And I have to think that he must still think of me from time to time.  He was really in love with me after we met and spent time together.  He was excited about knowing me.  I remember all that.  And nothing changed.  Nothing changed!  It was all so mystical and weird but nothing changed. 

So yes, this still bothers me.  I just don't write much because I don't have a lot to say, and I wish it could be different.  I wish I could talk to James.  I don't know what would happen after that but I wish, oh how I wish, to sit and talk with my friend again.  I have these two different scenarios, right?  I feel like if I were to sit and talk with James again only one of two things could happen. 

1- we'd sit and talk and James would be the same kind sweet man I knew when I met him.  Kind of like all of the crazy never happened.  I had moments like that over the years after he was gone- all of a sudden we'd reconnect and it would be like ALL of the weirdness never happened.  It wouldn't be mentioned at all, or he'd gloss over it and it would be all normal and good and loving and kind- strange but I learned to accept that none of this has been normal, and that can happen.  Once the energy is clear (and focused only on truth and love) then it all just falls back into place.  So I feel like there would be chance we'd sit and talk and he'd tell me he still thinks of me and how have I been, and boy I still look pretty, and he'd be sweet and kind and he'd still like me, a lot. 

And then there is 2- I think what I want most is this: I want to be able to sit and talk with James like two grown adults, respectfully, and totally honestly.  I wish I could tell him that... I know it seemed really crazy.  And even if he didn't exactly experience the things that I did (the cause and effect, me being the cause and he being the effect) I realize what was happening, even if I don't understand why exactly it was with him, and I learned from it, and I'm sorry, and I've missed him.  I want to be able to hug him and tell him I've never experienced pain like I have from missing him.  That I've missed him every single day since we parted and I've never forgotten him and I've always loved him, no matter what.  That I hope he's very happy and enjoying his life.  I hope he is loved.  James is the type of man who enjoys being in a loving committed relationship and I hope he's been loved by someone wonderful, who truly loves him and cares for him- he deserves that.  Even so I wish I could spill it all, tell him that yes it was scary but I get it, and I love him dearly.  And I miss him.  I wish we could both tell each other, "Man that was some weird shit," and ACKNOWLEDGE that we really did share something "magical" even if... it was so chaotic and strange.  I guess I crave having an open honest talk about what happened (not digging up details) but just to say, "Damn it was strange- I could mention you here where I am and you'd immediately comment on it via email even though you had no "real life" idea what I'd said- like, we are that connected."  Or were.  Are we still now?  I don't know.  Maybe?

I'm not sure what happens with "twin souls."  I'm not sure what to think about this concept of twin souls.  I don't know if it was James because I prayed so hard for EXACTLY him and then he was so strongly energetically connected to me that the entire experience revolved around that manifestation aspect, the cause and effect between us because we were a couple and I thought about him constantly and with tons or energy and emotion... and maybe that is "all" a "twin flame" is.  I don't know.  Whatever he is to me he made a huge impact in my life and I miss him dearly.  I miss my friend.  I remember our long chats well into the night.  I remember our first AMAZING kiss, OMG.  I can't help it.  I'd love to kiss him again.  I miss his face, his smile, his beautiful blue eyes, and I miss his tender touch and his kisses, and his hugs. 

I wish all along, when we were apart, I would have just let myself MISS him, even if it meant being sad.  Instead of being afraid or thinking the worst or all of that.  THAT was what kept him away from me, and I would, to this day, bet my life on that knowledge.  Had I trusted him, held on only to him being a good man, not doubted, etc. then a lot of the crazy would not have happened.  What a hard lesson to learn.

I can only tell myself that I will again see him one day and talk with him and it will be friendly and loving and kind, the same energy as when we met.  The same sweet connection, the friendship, the laughter, the joy, the bliss.  I will always love James.  Nothing in my life changes that fact.

Again, sometimes it hurts.  It all comes rushing up to me and I can't deny that I miss him still.  James was one of the very best things to ever happen to me, and I wish I still had him as part of my life.  I miss my friend and my love.

I can't help my love, my heart.  I really can't.

xxoo

Jennifer