Ugh. Just double ugh. One thing I can't tolerate is being objectified. Since meeting Joron and going through this cleansing period I am very protective of myself, my body, my femininity. And lately it seems the more I don't do what Higher Self is guiding me to do the more I get these stupid messages from guys. Either it's ones from my past who have wanted me and never had me or new ones who see me on FB or something stupid like that. When I get them they feel so disgusting, especially in light of how well Joron treated me. The respect, care and love.
I'm pretty. I have a pretty face. I'm not drop dead gorgeous but I have an approachable feminine appearance. I don't flaunt it. I barely wear makeup. I'm not a tempter or a tease. My twin soul used to comment on how beautiful I am without makeup. He told me I am so genuine and real, and he loved that about me. Now- he did tell me I'm sexy but we were dating. He earned my trust and right to do so. We were lovers. Lovers think each other are pretty sexy, and he's my sweet little totally adorable ball of yummy so I get it.
I feel like all of a sudden this energy is being slapped in my face. THIS is how Spirit works for me. And it makes me cry. You know why? Because it is just another way that I am unable to forgot how sweet my Joron is. It's contrast. I get this stupid objectifying bullshit sent to me and it stuffs in my face this idea of, "Kinda sucks huh? Lots of assholes out there... but Joron is one of the good ones, and he showed you that." It's hard to forget perfection. And I am not allowed to forget. Like "Panty Man Steve" when Joron first went quiet. It was so put in my face... "Look what Joron is NOT."
Anyone reading this- please understand that my guidance teaches me a very strange strong way, especially when I let fear stop me in my tracks. It's a type of reverse psychology where my fears are put in my face. Before I met Joron this was done through my channeling. My guidance started off being very soft and gentle with me, wanting me to love myself and heal. I clung to my self-hatred and self-loathing despite the efforts from my guidance to get me to see that I had to let all that shit go. So what happened? At the end of 2012 my guidance shifted up on me. I thought I had a spirit guide with me named "Thomas." Ha. The irony. Doubting Thomas... but Thomas is also called "The Twin." "Thomas" suddenly shifted on me and started getting "tough." Not so loving. He'd say things like, "Yeah... you know you did forget to brush your son's teeth last night. Ummm... you really are slacking as a mom. And an employee. You're not doing very good at work any more. Too much time spent thinking about your broken heart. You'd better be careful because you might lose your job."
Sounds horrific, right? Until you realize that my self-talk was like this: "I am such a shit at work. I can't concentrate. I suck. Everyone thinks I suck. I bet I'll get canned soon. My boss is on to me. I am soooo fucking stupid." And then there was always the thought that I am not a good mother because I am not perfect. Well- I was in the beginning of a super strong, super painful spiritual enlightenment, and my life had fallen apart. I was living alone for the first time in my life, and with a child. I was constantly heartbroken to where I could barely eat. What I didn't realize was I was fighting to hold on. Yet I berated myself, told myself I sucked, that I was a bad mom and housekeeper and child and sister and granddaughter and neighbor and... human. A bad person.
I was also still fearful of my guidance. Was it of the Light? I had a deeply ingrained fear of evil that was about to get pushed out of me. My guidance turned downright cruel. All my fears of not being loved were fed to me. I was told that my first soul mate, my adorable sweet southern angel, just used me. That he was a total shit. A filthy cheater who used me for a piece of ass. Who lead me astray and ruined my marriage. His wife is gorgeous, BTW. Perfection. But still their were issues. My ex-husband is very attractive... still we didn't have sex together. My soul mate's wife being so beautiful tested my self-esteem. My guidance told me he laughed at me behind my back and thought I was nothing.
Fear fear fear fear fear was fed to me for a few weeks solidly. Drowning me in all my darkest fears. No one understood. People close to me were scared for me. I felt like I was losing my mind. It got so bad one night, the fear, that I began passing out from fear. I didn't know what was happening and my guidance told me, "Dear dear you are losing consciousness. Lift your head. There now, it's time for bed."
I had been told for a bit that I was going to meet someone wonderful, have another child, be a writer and have my blissful future. I could not believe it. One night I said again out of fear, "No I don't believe you!" My guidance said, "You're right! Don't believe me! It's a lie! You are a horrible mother. Why would God ever grant you that gift again! You don't deserve it. You're lucky you're a mom right now!"
Rough to have all the shitty things I thought about myself being fed to me through my spiritual guidance. Hard to have all my disbelief thrust in my face. I was being forced to face my fears. I was being taught with fear until I could not stand it and finally stood up for myself. I actually emailed my first dear soul mate and told him we were evil, that he was bad, and I never wanted to talk to him again. That I didn't love him. We were only friends at this time, friends from afar, and I'd NEVER ever lashed out on him in the time he'd known me which was about 16 months. I was always sweetness and light. We'd shared so much together, and he was the first man in twenty years to love me like I needed to be loved. A healing love. A "blow my heart open love." A soul mate love. I knew things about him no one else did. He confided in me through an entire takeover he was involved in that no one was supposed to know about but he needed support, and that was me. And he helped me as well. He was a dear friend to me. But I emailed him out of fear, and I also shut off that email account after I sent it. AND I was heartbroken from the
last soul mate. I also did the same thing to him, and he'd been in my life, romantically, recently at that time. I was terrified. It was such a Dark Night of The Soul. And I was fucked with a lot from my guidance. A lot. Forced to face so many fears... my last soul mate who was so hard to let go was embroiled in all of this. He was used to push me through fear as well.
I came to believe I had a demon with me. Yet I was stubborn and would fight through it. I honestly don't know how I made it through. Finally one night I told my friend I thought it was a demon. It poked me in the back with this energetic force, and one night it blew out a lightbulb in my house. How do I know? Because I heard the lightbulb go "ping" and blow out. But the next night it went back on when I KNOW I heard the filament inside it go bad. Never hurt me though, of course. Just scared the holy living shit out of me. On the phone my girlfriend said, "Tell it 'Get thee behind me satan!' My guidance said, "Oh how quaint... get thee behind me satan. I'm not satan. Boo!"
One night we approached the topic of my childhood. My guidance said, "Ohhhh well. You were already 19 years-old in the end. You were old enough to stop it. It was your fault. You let it happen."
And I cracked. I finally cracked. I was sleep-deprived, terrified, heartbroken and a newly single mom of a barely three year-old. I screamed and yelled and ranted and raved and cried and said, "You are wrong! I didn't ask for any of that! They abused me! I was just a kid. I didn't ask for any of this and I am tired of you abusing me like this! I don't deserve it! I am none of these things you tell me!" And then my guidance said, "FINALLY. Finally you stand up to me. I've been waiting for you to stand up for yourself. It's high time you stop learning all your lessons from pain."
And something inside of me did that typical thing it does, minimizing my plight. "Oh it's not really that bad... it's okay. You're not that hurt. Buck up buttercup" but my guidance kicked right in with, "Oh no no no. If you can honestly sit here and not call this, what I've been doing, abuse then your issues are deeper than I can even consider." I was so scared and confused. I was guided to step away from channeling, step away from "spirituality" and get closer to God. My guidance did say this, "Dear dear, you don't know how much it has hurt me to treat you like this." I had SO much fear. Like literally poop my pants fear. So much fear that I even ditched my loving mentor, the one who lead me on this path and saw me through my divorce and who has saved my life. I told her she was involved in devil workings and I had to let her go. She immediately contacted a real life friend and told her to watch out for me. I was losing my mind. Literally.
I contacted an elder at my church and became CONVINCED I had a demon with me. I burned everything with my minister and the elders. Seven years worth of books, channelings, all my journals, all my vividly recorded dreams, all my precious treasures like my large double-pointed crystal wands, various stones and incense and just all of it. Burned or thrown in the trash. <--- I still hurt that I did this. I can't believe
I let fear overtake me to this point, to where I was stark raving mad delusional letting my minister bless me and rid me of demons. Burning my most prized treasures and ALL my recorded thoughts. I still ache over that.
I turned to the bible and WOW did that
suck. Every time I opened my bible it opened to a part about women who channel are from the devil. More fear. Terror. Higher Self was secretly ensuring I faced tons of my fears all at once. Who do you think controlled where I opened that bible to? Of course- my guidance. I was being forced to see that non-religion is the best way. That religion is damaging. Why do you think my twin soul is an Atheist and open enough to be used as a walking channel? Because he denounces religion and has low ego; he does not live through FEAR but love. I was raised steeped in fear from all over! I lived battling deep fear for a few more months until I quickly saw the light and got over the first hump, pretty much. I had some bad moments. I came close to killing myself at one point when I thought everyone around me was suffering because I had a demon with me. I would not visit my pregnant sister-in-law because I was terrified I'd kill her unborn baby with my darkness. Delusional. FEAR makes people delusional!!!
But my soul fought for me. I would tip toe online and peek at something spiritual and it would SCREAM out to me "Please Rose- overcome your fear. This is you. This is your life, right here. God loves you and you are an open channel." Finally I faced my fear of my guidance and began to heal, somewhat. I had to really see how insane Christianity can be too, that it's just as damaging as thinking spirituality had lead me to the devil. My deeply ingrained Catholicism helped me learn my fears about darkness, and I had to overcome that. I also hurt myself sexually a bit through all of this, had to see how I did NOT want to treat myself or allow myself to be treated. It was like suddenly all the SHIT inside of me just exploded. It was insane. I could detail it a lot more but this would be way too long.
One day at work, after I started to come down a bit {this all happened very quickly} my work line rang and it was my first soul mate. The one I'd written to in a fit of total terror and told him we were bad for what we did, that he was horrible and so was I. God bless his heart but he was worried about me and looked up my work number to check on me. We had a very open healing conversation. I told him honestly what was happening to me, and how I'd had my fears that he never loved me pushed in my face. *sigh* He told me he'd always loved me and always would but life circumstances being what they are... and I knew. I always knew he loved me more than he felt was safe. It hurt him too. He reassured me he'd always be my friend, always care for me, always think of me. And he made me a belt so I'd always have something to remember him by. Who does that? LOL. OMG I almost burned the belt! I was standing in front of the fire, belt in hand, and I ALMOST tossed it in. My first soul mate, when we'd first met, had a special gift made for me, something I'd keep forever to remember him by. Country man had a custom leather belt made for me, one with Celtic symbols branded on to it along with my first initial. See- my real name begins with a "J." My entire life those closest to me, like immediate family and super old friends, called me J my whole life. When I met my first soul mate he asked to call me "J" because he said it "felt right." LOL- I didn't know much about soul mates at that time! So this belt meant a LOT to me. More than money can buy.
And I stood there looking a that fire, looking at the belt and thinking "Is he really bad? This man who, after first meeting me, held me, kissed my head and told me he felt like when I was little no one told me I was pretty enough or loved me kind enough, and it made he sad? Who felt my heart? Who made love to me like... he couldn't breathe without me? Who fought with everything inside himself to finally let me know he loved me? This quiet quiet southern man who shared nothing shared his heart with me- was I going to throw the belt in the fire because what we had was labeled an "affair?"
I couldn't do it. Couldn't toss the belt in the fire. On the phone I admitted I almost burned the belt. He was quiet and I told him I just couldn't do it. He'd been so sweet to me, such a dear friend. And he said in his soft, slow southern way, "Well J... I sure am glad you felt me and kept my belt safe." He heard me cry.
Unreal experiences, okay? I could write a few novels, and one day I will, detailing my enlightenment. Right now I am too emotionally exhausted from going through this with Joron to write any books. It's difficult to pull all of this out to write it here let alone figure out how to write it all without hurting anyone or hurting myself in the process of diving down so deeply all over again.
Not long after that my last soul mate re-entered my life and I was not strong enough to turn him away. I needed to be healed through love. No one can really understand how overwrought and worn out I was, near suicide. I'd never felt more alone in my life than back then. It has not been an experience I'd want for anyone else I can tell you that.
SO! I have a point to all of this. My Higher Self has taught me through fear for the last two years. I got used to it quickly to where it didn't phase me as much. I would not listen, not really. I still drank a lot. Still felt icky inside. Still feared my loveability.
And I met my twin soul. And now my Higher Self uses Joron to channel fear to me because when he does it I can't turn away. I can't ignore it. I am fed lies through Joron until I can't stand it so much that... I don't know? I write every day about his love? Am I doing that now? Nope. I'm resisting. Because I am stubborn and scared still. The man loves me but when I don't believe it or concentrate on it Higher Self switches things up and sends me anti-love through him. He is used to mirror back to me all my fears and doubts, and it is immediate and it sucks my ass royally.
So basically he's a human pendulum for me. Tricky tricky is my guidance. Higher Self implants a thought in his mind and BAM he immediately sends it to me, and those thoughts are all in reflection to however I am thinking or feeling, or whatever I am NOT doing. Last time we communicated I'd spent the day writing about the last year, the separation. I'd been told to write about the LOVE but I didn't. And what happened? That night I emailed him and he responded but he was off the chain CRAZY strange. Telling me he wanted to try and get me pregnant but that was the only way he'd be with me, on accident. Said "no promises. No relationship talk. I just want to come inside you trying to make a baby. If you agree to this then tell me and I'll come home. If not then don't bother me anymore."
Insanity. Making a baby with me insinuates "I love you and want to be with you forever" which are words he's said before and after our separation. Now though, now that I pushed this so far with my fear, he can't say it. He shows me indirectly but mixed in with showing me is this cold indifferent "i just want to have sex and see what happens." Nonsense. Total nonsense that he'd never come up with on his own.
No. It's because when I don't concentrate on his love, when I don't own my truth of him being my "gentle gem," then he shows me the opposite. And it's like being stuck in my very own personal Hell on earth.
THIS is why I push my blog and try to get people to realize that by all appearances my twin soul
presents as a narcissistic asshole right now but it's a reflection of my not listening to Higher Self. He
seems to be crazy and cruel. He's told me, for no reason in the 3D, to "Go fuck yourself!" and to "lose my contact information! Don't you ever contact me again!" Did I WRITE or say
anything to him to make him email me that horse shit? NOPE, not one word- what I
did was lay down for bed mother fucking God, Joron and my guidance because I hadn't heard from him when he said he was coming home. Was I writing in my journal, good things? Was I LISTENING? NO I WAS NOT. I got all pissy, laid down for sleep, ranted off in my mind, and immediately afterwards Joron shot me shit via email that was a direct reflection of my secret inner attitude.
So tell me now. Tell me it is all free will and 3D, and it is all them. It is SO fucking not. It has very little to do with what we speak openly from our mouths or what we text or email. I broke down and emailed him last night. I know better but sometimes I can't stop myself. That was the last one. Not because I am being spiteful but because it's not necessary and I don't know how my words of love affect him.
I hope one day we can look back at this together, he and I. He can look at all the love I've felt for him through this, fighting through my fears, and know how hard I have tried to hold on. To see how I've never caved to lashing out at him through words for what he shows me. How I do love him unconditionally. My biggest problem right now is believing that the man truly loves me... and because of that we have silence.
I'm trying :) I want those who are still in contact with their twin souls, no matter how strange or how long in between it takes him to contact you, to be very very careful. Take heed of my words. Not long ago I was in slow but somewhat steady contact, doing "The Dance." But I could not shake the fear and it was my fear-energy {not my words or actions in 3D} that set us here, five months of silence with only mirrored crap here and there. Be very VERY careful and aware of your energy and thoughts. Anger, rage, fear, doubt, negative self-talk, talking mean to your twin in your head... Higher Self will ensure your twin soul gets that and sends it back to you in some way, and often it is through dreaded silence. Sometimes it's through acting cold, mean, etc. So just be very aware. Learn from me.
At the very least I can share my story and show you where I wish I could go back and change things- this way you can do your best to avoid messing up your connection, and hopefully you can improve it by concentrating on love.
Not fear. Fear kills connection.
