Why Worry?

There is an awesome song by Dire Straits {gotta love that name!} called "Why Worry."  It's just lovely, and I will post it at the end of this post.  I have some worries, and they are stupid.  I'll tell you at least one of them.

I think there could be people out there thinking I am pathetically and blindly ignoring that this union is over and that I am meant to let go now.  Like Joron is not interested in me on any level, spiritually, physically, energetically or otherwise.  People in my real life know I'm not dating. They know I'm waiting. Then I begin to get fearful and think I am supposed to just move on, drop all my hopes and dreams and move on to another man.  I could get another man very quickly if I wanted to... but I don't want to.  It is like every sign I get tells me to stick it out, not date, and know he loves me.  To manifest that love.  But I get scared and that fear is what holds me back from believing fully that I can attract him back to me myself, because he honestly want to come back.

That's the one worry I want to actually give any specific energy to right now.  These unions are really hard because they fly in the face of conventional wisdom, like staying detached.  For me to dream of Joron, write with the intention of having him back in my life, write of him from a loving persepctive, and hold on to my dreams- I kinda have to believe in a dream.  And that can scare me.  It would be so much easier to cut and run.  Chalk this all up to a strong learning experience and move the fuck on.'

But I can't.  It is NOT because I am SO deeply addictively obsessively in love that I refuse to move forward.  Nope.  It's this sense of "What if?"  What if my higher self is telling me the truth?  "Dance with him at your wedding."  What is his own words throughout this separation, 'Sushi at our wedding, right?" point at him being my future?  What if my sister being given a very specific dream about our wedding, what if my son constantly talking about us all living together, what if Joron's repeated line of discussion on the phone of, "Let's talk about when we are married..."

What if all of that is and was higher self going, "Hello Ms. Doubter!  Hold on to your dreams please!"  So some people may think I should hang it up now but they don't walk in my shoes.  They don't understand what I am shown from all angles.  What if I were to walk away and ruin my chance at having a future with Joron?  I've had every sign.  All the messages.  The songs.  And... his actually words spoken to me.  His love.  The love I ran from every single time it was shown to me.

I'm tired.  I feel bad not blogging much but I've just about done run out of stuff to talk about unless you want to read me constantly reaffirming my belief in the love my twin soul shared with me because that's what I am supposed to do now.

Yes he writes me harsh cold crazy stuff but I know it's to mirror my lack of concentrating on him as his real loving self.  I worry myself remembering his cold words.  I fret and play them over in my head again and again and all I am doing is reaffirming that energy.  So here I am afraid he does not love me and what does he write to me?  "I want to come back and take a chance at getting you pregnant.  If you get knocked up then I have to be with you.  I want that."  LOL- but see my buttons are still being pushed because what he is NOT saying is, "I can't wait to come back, sweep you into my arms, love you and discuss our future together."  I want THOSE words.

Before Joron got on the plane to go to CA the first time he told me to get my IUD taken out because he wanted to come back, get me pregnant, and take it from there.  He meant, "Then you have to come be with me no matter what anyone says."  He told me he was thinking of proposing to me.  All the times we've reconnected during this separation he's talked about marriage.  Being together forever.  Treating me well.  Wanting to see my face every morning and make love every night.  And it was sincere.  He is a man who wants a strong relationship and marriage with a woman to call his own, someone to share his life with.  And he said that I am the 1%, the one for him.

There should be no reason for me to fear that he does not love me and I should let go.  I shouldn't feel silly for wanting to hold on to this after all I've been shown.  And my doubts are still holding me back.  And I am frustrated about it.

Yesterday morning while driving my son to preschool he said to me while looking at his little "Mindware" catalogue (educational gifts) "Mommy I want to get Joron some science stuff for Christmas."  Well I was stuck in ego and I said, "Buddy Joron isn't talking to mom any more so I don't think that's going to work."  He then asked if I have his phone number, can I call him?  I said, "Buddy he won't answer the phone so that's not going to work."  He asked me do we hate each other?  I said, "No.  Not at all.  I love him a lot and I hope one day to hear from him."

Then last night on the drive home I was still in ego.  I was thinking I should just go out on a date with the cute single dad I met.  Just one date.  Or maybe kiss him just to see how it feels.  I am so tired of being alone with no life partner.  This experience is taxing me.  As we got home my son says to me, "Mom I want to buy all your friends presents for Christmas."  My son is so sweet!  He said he wants to buy them jewelry and bracelets, lol.  Then he says to me, "And I want to buy your science friend some science stuff.  You know, your science friend in California.  Joron."

Now that is strange to me.  The way he said it, so knowing.  Almost sing-song voice, playfully.  And that is odd for a child who just turned five.  But then his next words floored me.  We were walking in the house and he looked at me and said, "Joron loves you.  Joron does love you."

Really?  "Joron does love you."  Last year when we first separated, the first message he sent me after he was quiet for a while was very cold and indifferent, not like him at all, but he ended with "I do love you."  Not just "I love you" but that word "do" thrown in there for good measure.  Same with my son last night.  "Joron does love you."  Like he was reaffirming me.  Reassuring me.

I want to curl into a little ball and escape for a while.  I just want my twin soul back with me.  There is no way those words just came from my son.  I asked him, "Buddy why did you tell mommy that Joron loves me?"  He shrugged all silly-like and said, "Oh... I can't tell you!" which is his standard answer when he says these strange things to me.

Higher Self is speaking to me through my child.  So how can I turn from that?  Would you?  Would you think, "Oh I'm just being taunted.  It's trickery.  Even his own words to me were somehow faked.  I'd better still run away just in case it's all lies from above and I might get hurt?"

I can't do that.  And I am so exhausted but I feel in my heart we are meant to be reunited.  That's why I am still here believing in this dream.  Not because I am obsessed or feel I could never be happy without him.  I'm so fucking strong and independent.  I could love again with a soul mate.  I've had wonderful soul mates who I felt utterly connected with, would have married in a heartbeat and been deliriously happy.  Gah... *swoon* I adored my soul mates.  I could love again (if higher self allowed it, that's key.)  I feel this way, battling through this, because I am shown from every angle, even Joron's own words just a month ago when he said, "I'll love you forever," that I am supposed to be fighting for this, for truth, for myself and my twin, for love, for reunion.

Why worry, right?