I called Mel once and he told me Joron was "just a runner." He is wrong.
It would appear that Joron fits the category of a twin soul runner perfectly. Strong intense connection and then POOF he suddenly shut off. Then when he came back, a little, he felt cold, different, alien. He said things like, "Maybe we should just be email friends" and "I'm thinking it was only attraction." When he first separated from me I was convinced something was wrong with HIM. My Higher Self, fed up with me ignoring my own need to heal, nurtured this belief in me for a while until it became glaringly obvious that Joron was directly mirroring my own energy. Until I felt I was losing my mind. Higher Self let me run around like a chicken with my head cut off for a while until the truth began to set in. There was nothing wrong with Joron. But there was a lot that needed to be healed in me, and he was here to show this to me. Along with loving me. I will always believe he is here to love me beyond measure no matter what the mirroring feels like.
It's based on my energy. And this means had I not feared in the beginning then Joron would still be with me today. Do you understand clearly what I am saying here? Our separation is because of MY own chaotic fearful doubtful energy. He mirrors that by disappearing. Or at times when I have to see clearly my fears he then reaches out via email and shoots me some shit that I hate. Lies that are a reflection of the lies I tell myself about him. My suspicions of him. Wondering if he's really the good guy he showed me he was. When I doubt that good guy I am shown the opposite of the good guy. When I doubt his pure sweet innocent love for me I am then shown this, pure lust: "Yummy Rose. You're so hot. I want to come back and lick you, have lots of hot sex with you. But no talking. No funny business. No promises. Just sex and lots of kisses because you're the best kisser I've ever known." Dontcha love how Higher Self always mixes the kisses in with the fear?
I am shown a "monster" I dislike though. I don't mind lust but when it's lacking the love it freaks me out, and Higher Self knows this. Yet even in the midst of some of the most insane nonsensical mirroring Higher Self still manages to slip some love in there somewhere, just to show me.
Exhausting, huh? Shit. I'm tired.
I can't speak for others but for me I at first saw this separation as Joron=Runner and Rose=Stayer {because I refused to psycho-chase him.} Higher Self ensured we went through our share of chaos though. It was not fun and it left me exhausted. Soon after a short period of silence where I thought I'd never hear from Joron again he came through to me and it was the beginning of me being able to see how he reacted to my ENERGY and intention.
My fear energy in the beginning is what sent him away from me. His moving to CA was not on accident. It was planned from above, maybe even by us before we came to earth. I want to make sure I am making my point very clear. When people say the runner runs because he is overcome with fear in my case it was because he was overcome with MY fear and made to go quiet. He chooses to NOT respond to me because he is listening to Higher Self tell him so. He wants to be with me. To talk to me but he cannot. He, somehow, listens completely to Higher Self, almost like he has NO free will to choose differently. And Higher Self makes him stay quiet while I learn.
Oh... it's quite a journey.
I don't know how this happens, how they stay quiet when they truly love us so much. All I can think is he is the stronger psychic out of the two of us and he "hears" Spirit very clearly, very immediately, and he follows without fail. Higher Self is the "middle man" between my energy and Joron. Joron mirrors my energy back to me perfectly. It is inescapable, and it is ALL me. This man has wanted to come back to me plenty of times but I stopped it with my fear.
So it's like I calm down and feel his love, believe in him, and he is allowed to come closer and show me his truth which is love. Higher Self lets him feel his love for me again and BAM he's bat shit crazy over me again, can't get enough for the one night or the next few days, my dear expressive loving boyfriend returns. Then I get scared and my fear pulls him away. Higher Self says "Nope she is fearing again- as her mirror you must go quiet now.
It's, um, quite frankly Hell on earth and someone not as strong as me would have killed herself already. I've wanted to commit suicide a few times. Feeling the coldness and watching him disappear time and time again has nearly killed me. This is no game. It's more like life and death.
And I think this causes him sorrow. It is not what he desires. He wants to be with me, his love. This man adored me at the time he was shut off. We were full on in love. We were talking marriage and he was asking me to promise him he'd never lose me. He was calling me in the middle of the night to whisper "I love you" on my voicemail. And then he was gone. How tragic is that really?
I am thinking we, the "more spiritual" twins, are being forced to own our energy and awaken. They are seen as being less powerful than us. Normal people. But sneakily they are actually like powerful little wizards in disguise, and they are used as our mirrors to force us to learn about using our intention and energy properly, also to help us heal. Dreaming, manifesting, having belief, that strong inner knowing that we ARE LOVED despite our fears, is what we are meant to do.
If I did not know better I would think Joron was a sexually-depraved creep, one who wants to cause me pain and suffering. I'd think he was a psychological monster. If I was less aware then we'd be in some deep shit because I'd be lashing out at him left and right, scared to death, and we'd be separated for years. It is my responsibility as his twin soul to accept the healing that comes from looking in the mirror, and believing in the real him instead of thinking badly of him. Loving him through all of this is my part of the mission between us in our union.
He is not a "runner." If there is a runner it is me. I repel him with my fear. I attract him back with my love and belief. Free will seems to have very little to with it. It's like they surrendered their free will over to letting Higher Will take control. In my case this means he is supposed to come back to me in the end once I balance and believe in his love for me, trust the truth of who he really is, and bring that "feeling his love" back to me again.
I've always loved hard. Always. This is why I am his twin soul. Because I won't give up on him. My real name is Jennifer. Here is what urban dictionary has to say about my name:
**From a Cornish form of the Old Welsh name Gwenhwyfar (Guenevere).
Jennifers are an extremely rare beauty inside & out. They are loyal to friends & family & will stand by you as long as you will let them; very supportive. They know how to love no other way than hard. Jennifer's have a deep passion for life & the things that are important to them. Sometimes their passion can be mistaken for attitude but, let it be known, it's only because they are misunderstood by some; their passion is real & for no other purpose. Jennifer's are naturally beautiful - making some green with envy of their natural features; so it is only fitting that they have keen interest in the nature around them & preserving natural beauty. They were born with it & are wired to love & care for things in their natural state as well as all creatures big and small.
Jennifer's will be there through the good times & the bumps along the way. Their friendship does not thin, it is not a fair-weather friendship. It is as real as the Jennifer you encounter. Strong & supportive; beautiful & timeless. Should you come across a Jennifer make them your best friend and hold onto them forever; I know I will.**
That's me. I love hard!
One last thing about our connection. I have peace in knowing one thing. I messed this up, lol. And what I mean is because I can clearly see the mirroring and how he reacts based on my energy it lets me know he is not choosing to stay away from me. It is clearly NOT his free will choice to be without me. It is ME doing this. I have not listened fully to my Higher Self in "writing about the kisses. " I get scared and put it off. I... still get ego-pissy over having to go through this at all. I don't hold his love close. I want to run off. I get mad at him for being in sunny CA and not talking to me. I just want to escape it all so I don't do the work in writing to feel him again. That's what the writing is for- because when I write I FEEL. I create truth-energy when I transfer my thoughts onto the page either through the keyboard or with my pen; this is why back in May I wrote about him and he text me immediately "If you are up call me" when we had not spoken in weeks because *I* freaked out inside and pushed him again away with my fucking crazed fearful ENERGY.
UGH. At the very least I can look in the mirror and know it's on me. I don't have to fear "Why? Why is he doing this?" I know why. And I am committed to shifting this shit now.
I want my love back in my life. I want to hear Joron's sweet voice again. I want My Future back in my arms. We are SO meant to be together. I am ready. Ready to allow him back to me.
I love that man. And soul.
No third party can tell you who is or isn't your TF. If you feel he is, then he is. Each story is a lot different from the other.
ReplyDeleteI sense that you are holding on too tight. LET GO.
That doesn't mean forget him. Let go of the need to control to have things go your way. Just sit back relax and let it flow. Its tough to do I know. i go thro it too. But altho I go crazy at times too, I know he is mine. If not in this lifetime, i will meet him in the next.
Stay strong. :*
I don't doubt that he is my twin soul. Not at all. And I do hold on too tightly to those things I need to let go of like fear, doubt, feeling rejected, resentment, etc. But I don't feel I hold on tightly enough to knowing truth about his love for me.
ReplyDeleteThis man told me over and over that we were meant to be married. I know this is what the universe has planned for us, and no I can't let that go. So I won't. I'll hold on to that dream inside my heart while I bring myself back to unconditional love instead of being in fear. I don't want to be with my Joron in the next lifetime. We are meant to be one in this lifetime.
I can control nothing in the 3D. This is totally true. No talking or pleading or emailing or any of that will work. But I can control my energy if I try, and that's what I am going to do. I don't believe in just "letting go" and it will come back. No, in my case I do have to work for what I know to be true.
Thank you for your thoughts!
Another thing too I am letting go of is the fear that we won't ever see each other again. It's a sad thought and I can't imagine it ever happening. Back in August when all the weirdness was in full-force he wrote to me and said he was coming home and had to see me. He said "Can't ever go without seeing you again." And that is truth. We were FULL ON in love when this separation happened. Two people that much in love will eventually come back together when the energy is right. I don't buy this "It's all divine timing" stuff. That is handing the responsibility all over to God. No- the responsibility falls on us too. To clean ourselves up and BELIEVE. One song that has haunted me throughout this entire separation is "Say Something" by Great Big World. I sobbed the first time I heard it and I know why. "I'll be the one if you want me to. Anywhere I would have followed you. Say something. I'm giving up on you." It is my experience. Letting go for me does not mean letting go of my dreams and hopes. It just means letting go of FEAR. He feels as close to me as he did when we were here entwined in each other for hours. There is no letting go of that.
ReplyDeletePrecisely what I meant. Let go of the fear!
ReplyDeleteIt's not easy but I'm going to do it. We both will :) Thank you, and please if your blog is public I'd love to read it!
ReplyDeletehttp://twinflamed.blogspot.in/?m=1
ReplyDeleteThats mine.
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ReplyDeleteHow do you survive the darker hours... I find myself in the dark now and it's so scary. All I feel is pain. All I see is chaos. It feels like death of some sort... How does one cope with such things....
ReplyDeleteFirst let me say I am sorry that you are in pain. I am sending you energetic hugs! Pain is a hard one for me to speak on because there are different kinds of emotional pain. Using myself as an example, I used to feel a terrible dark "pain" when I would allow myself to think that James just up and left me, like I was abandoned and easily left behind. The pain I felt when I let myself believe that was TERRIBLE. That was a dark stabbing pain. It was a sick pain. But then later when I no longer thought, at all, that he "just left me" and when I knew it was this twin soul dynamic, inescapable for me and due to my own energy instead of his intentions then the pain shifted. I still ached but only because I MISSED HIM and still loved him, and when you love someone who you know is out there somewhere, and you shared a strong love experience with that person, and then there is no resolution and the person is just GONE it feels like a death, like grieving. And missing someone you love, that "pain" and ache and sadness comes from a very different place than when you feel like someone has deliberately hurt you or rejected you. Pain is subjective- it's not all the same. The first pain, when I felt rejected and unloved by him, was more of an angry pain. But when I realized that he honestly had loved me a lot, and probably still does on some level, and we only parted because he's my twin and the love was still there even if he was not- then that pain was... pink not black. It was like waves washing over me, waves of sadness instead of stabbing black pain. Grieving someone you love hurts because... we have all this love inside of us for this person yet they are not here for us to give that love- and that love with nowhere to go, it aches. We ache to share this love with them but the love just sits in our hands, overflowing, and it hurts because being able to hug them or tell them openly "I love you" feels so much better. But still it's a different kind of pain, a pain born of LOVE instead of FEAR.
DeleteMaybe right now your pain is more from fear than love. That hurts worse. It is dark and scary. So how do you cope with this pain, if that's what you are feeling? You have to shift your beliefs around so you don't focus on hurtful beliefs. Seriously. It's what you have to do. If your pain comes simply from missing someone, but you know the person loves you, then the ache comes from your heart. But if you are in pain because you believe you've been left behind, that someone is hurting you, that someone is being mean, or anything negative then the pain comes from your MIND- the pain is due to how your thoughts are controlling you. You can only get OUT OF THAT PAIN by gaining control over your thoughts. Remember- what you are thinking right now is what is creating your near-future experiences. Let's say your friend upset you somehow (but maybe that person did not mean to upset you.) If your mind starts thinking all these terrible things, and you dwell on it, then your soul takes those bad thoughts like you are placing an order at a restaurant, and it "serves" up to you more of what you are "ordering." It does this through soul energy, through the Divine working through us, and then your friend could very well act even worse to you- because you are "asking" for it through what you are thinking about. And then the cycle of pain continues. More painful things will happen to you. You must get SO mentally strong that you stop those thoughts. You gotta get to a place mentally where you tell yourself "NO! I refuse to think that shit! I refuse to focus on what hurts me!" Because here is the thing- even if your friend DID hurt you, did do something hurtful, YOU are the one who has the power to choose what you are going to dwell on. Do you want to think about how you were hurt (thus bringing more of that same experience to your life) or do you want to... literally force your mind to think of something you love, something good. Because everything you are thinking about will come to you stronger, somehow.
DeleteI don't know why you are feeling pain right now. I can only speculate that since you are reading a blog about twin souls that maybe there is someone you love who is not with you right now, or not with you how you want. The only real advice I can give you is you must learn how to master your thoughts so your thoughts don't turn into bad emotions. Emotions are energy, and they "create." So be very careful where you let your thoughts take you. If you are missing someone you love then miss that person, love that person in your heart, weep for the loss of that person, tell God you love that person... but don't allow yourself to feel those "dark bad black" cutting fearful things like "Why doesn't he love me?" All that will bring you are more experiences (either with him or someone else) where you are made to feel unloved. I have been drawing a lot to keep my mind busy. I used to watch The X-Files back to back in order to hush my mind when the bad stuff would creep in. Anything you can do in order to eliminate and... totally reject any bad thoughts is what you need to do (healthy please!) If you need a friend you can email me- roseawen1973@gmail.com. I wish you peace my friend.
DeleteOh and my apologies for saying "him" in case it's a her... just habit.
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