Come to Me

I need to focus.  My mind really is all over the place and I've been battling some hopelessness and anger, not directed at James but at the universe concerning my situation.  And negativity directed towards anyone or anything isn't going to help this whatsoever so I need to find balance.

I dream of James being in my life as my friend, husband, lover and companion more than anything in the whole wide world. If I had a choice between winning a billion dollars in the lotto or having my sweet James back in my life I'd choose love over money in half a heartbeat.  I'd be with him no matter what as long as he could be my love, in my life. I want to share life with him. I want to cook him Shepherd's Pie and make a nice warm comfy home with him. I dream of having a loving family with him and being so excited to see him after a long day, waiting expectantly to hug and kiss him . I dream of James being the man to show my son how his mommy should be loved, openly and with tenderness and compassion, gently like he once did. I want it ALL and I feel in my heart he actually wants all of this with me too, no matter what it looks like right now.

I have to keep my energy and focus and intention on target.  It hurts my heart to know there are sooooo many people out there convinced that we don't "need" to be with anyone, and that we really should be okay to always be alone. Why? Why alone? LOVE is everything, and not just unconditional love for self or for humanity... but also love for that special ONE. Why do you think we as humans are designed  as we are, to mate? Point A to be inserted into Point B yet we LOVE hard as well as have biological urges? Because we are created to be together with another special someone. Some animals even mate for life.  Just because we are each love on our own does not mean we are meant to be alone.
I love this man so fully, and I miss him tremendously- beyond my human ability to control.  I'm healthy and very independent and strong and aware and I actually DO love myself. I love myself enough this I no longer want to ache. I want bliss and happiness and wonderful love in my life. I'm ready to accept love and believe in love when it's showered upon me like it was with James, and God knows I want HIM back. There is no other love than his love that I really want. I want to give him sooooo much love and joy and I need to have him near me. That's love, a mixture of a very soulful yet human love. I love him so much... and I just need to be completely quiet and away from talking with others now because not only do I love him but I'm raw. Tender. And I miss him with every cell in my body, and that's not something everyone can obviously understand. It's not the love I have for him that hurts. It aches because I need his warm protective arms wrapped around me. I need his beautiful loving non-stop kisses. I pray to hear his sweet voice soon, and to see his precious face. I know Heaven; I've been there when I was in his arms.

It's a divine love that I'll always feel for him because no matter what my future holds- I know THIS man is the one who was made for me. And I love him with a love that there are no human words I can find to properly explain. I just love him. With no apologies. I LOVE him and I know he feels the same for me.

Hugs lovelies. I wish you all peace and happiness in life and love.  There is some great info in this last energy forecast from Cassady, totally suited to how I am feeling and maybe for others as well.

http://www.twinflames1111.com/blog/weekly-energy-update/25th-31st-jan/

Jennifer

So Far Away

I heard this song on the way to work today.  What I wouldn't give to see his face at my door.

Oh what I would not give to have that bouncy sweet little man bounding up my stairs to come visit me so I could open my door and see him standing there again, smiling and oh so happy and friendly, beautiful blue eyes sparkling.  Gentle hands touching my face. 

My heart... I really didn't think that one human heart could ache this much and still be able to exist.

I've got lots on my mind and heart that just can't be shared.  I still feel like I am being guided to focus on his love for me, why he loves me {because I am so highly loveable and easy to love} what a dear loving man he truly is, our beautiful memories of the times we shared, and dreaming of a future together, knowing he's my dream come true.  And I feel like I am still being guided to do this by writing it out, over and over, in my journal because it works like daily meditation and affirmation, and it shifts my energy.  When I write in my journal, truth, I can literally feel my energy shift higher.  I just have to be consistent and keep it there which means holding a very diligent focus, and sometimes that can be hard to do!  But I am trying.

What I dream of more than anything in the entire world is to have this lovely sweet gentle man's warm protective arms wrapped around me so we can hold each other until I'm done crying.  Maybe him too, who knows.  I'm sure he needs some comfort too and I want to give it to him.  I just want to hold him again, like Strawberry Fields.  We both need that right now.

As always I wish us all the best in life and love.  I wish us PEACE and joy and bliss and real love.

Cheers,

Jennifer

"Anytime"

I heard this song on XM Radio Velvet the other day and it really struck me. 

I don't know if it is my twin soul in spirit communicating with me, or if it is higher self or "the universe" but I hear songs at certain specific moments, like when I'm deep in thought, and they totally speak to me.  This is one of them.

And as always, best wishes to all.

Jen

Soul Role

I wrote a blog post not long ago and deleted it because it was a rant.  This is a revised version with a few thoughts I want to share.  I've been battling inside over a few issues, one being God.  What is God?  I've come to the conclusion that "God" must just be "Love."  Love energy.  And this Love energy does not "make change happen."  We do because we are conduits of energy and whatever created us, if it's this Love energy, created us with the will to choose between love and fear.  And this is why Jesus came to teach people about the power of love, and how love can change the world. Yet most people want to give all the power over to this external version of God that we are taught early on in life.

There have been a few people who have gotten pissed at me when I write about my feelings on Spirit/religion but these are just my thoughts.  I've always prayed to "God."  Sometimes this brings about change for me that I've asked for, and sometimes not.  I've been on my knees praying, begging, snotting all over the place asking God to PLEASE shift this for me with James.  Just PLEASE let me receive a loving message.  Some warmth.  And then it does not happen and I lose faith in "God." And I am tempted to fall into victim-mode and get mad at God for not helping me.  I do not know the truth about what God is.  But I do feel I have a good idea on one thing- if my own energy is not where it needs to be, love over fear, then there is nothing God can do to change my situation for the better except push even harder to try and change ME to choose love over fear.  Does that makes sense?  I will have things happen in my life that force me more and more to start letting fear go and instead replace it with love.  And THAT shift will help to change my circumstances but God is not going to just sweep in and clean everything up for me just because I ask... or even beg and plead.  I am thinking that it is now my responsibility to shift my focus to love and then the circumstances I want to change will, for the better, in some way.

That said, I've had some tough moments over the last month or two.  Christmas Eve was horrible.  I was very angry.  I told my son I hate Christmas, and I do.  I only tolerate Christmas for my son, and I try to make it as wonderful and magical for him as I can but as of now I hate Christmas because I am always without that love in my life that I want to share the holidays with.  And it upsets me.  I am not perfect, and it upsets me.  So I was very relieved when the holidays were finally over.  I've been battling with hating God, hating my soul for choosing this lifetime for me, hating soul for choosing the twin soul path for me for whatever reason, something to do with Awakening if I understand correctly, and totally not understanding why I went through the abusive childhood I had only to now be separated from my twin soul.  It all equates to PAIN.  A lifetime of pain.  And I don't always understand, and sometimes the confusion leads to anger and then I hate the divine.

So I have come to the conclusion that I chose to come here on earth and be born to my parents because they were inevitably going to have a child and abuse it because they were wounded and hurt and did not know how to love correctly.  Not their faults.  I do not blame them.  They were hurt too and often unconscious hurt people hurt other people.  But to avoid letting the cycle of abuse pass over from generation to generation I agreed to be born to them, experience the abuse, and then try my hardest to overcome it, heal enough to where I'd be an aware parent and NOT hurt my own child.

I really feel this was the MAIN SOUL ROLE I chose when I came to earth.  Being the child of my parents, being abused for almost 20 years, and then learning to choose love over fear or hate and healing enough so that by the time I had my son PJ {shown above} I could STOP the cycle of abuse and let it not pass over to my son.  Because how I think of it is WE are God.  WE are "Love" and only WE can change the energy and situation on earth.  We are little slices of that love energy from above and we choose to come down here and do what we can to "shift" things, and I do believe I chose to sacrifice my childhood, and myself, and be the one who took the pain and hurt and humiliation so I could deal with it but NOT let it continue.  This way I do not send more pain and fear out into the world through my son.

Does that make sense?  I LOVE my son completely.  I am far from perfect, believe me, but I am doing the best I can.  I raise him with love, not fear.  I was raised in fear, huge fear.  My son is raised in love.  He basically has no fear.  I asked him the other day if there is anything he is afraid of.  I wanted to see if he said something like, "When you yell at me," because sometimes I do yell.  He thought about it for a while and said, "I'm afraid of those zombies you grow in the water because I don't want you to drink the water and become a zombie."  Ha!  I feel pretty secure in saying that I do my absolute best to raise my son right: with LOVE.  I teach him to love himself, love other people and love all of nature, animals and the earth.  He knows not to step on the ants, not to litter, to hold doors for people, to say thank you, to be kind and loving, to be helpful, and he absolutely knows how to LOVE HIMSELF.  I tell him all the time how amazing he is, how helpful and kind and loving and how proud I am of him for being a sweet loving boy.  I let him be a kid too.  He plays PLAYS plays and is entirely joyful.  Yeah, I can sit back and smile knowing that I've done the most important ROLE in my life the right way.

I believe I am a "twin soul" or whatever this strange soul connection is.  But I do not think it is my MAIN role for being here on earth.  No.  I think my main role is to mother my son with love and send him out into the world as a strong loving force to help change the world.  It takes each of us, one at a time, to make change.  And it takes people like me to go through the inevitable abuse of generations of hurt people, take that abuse and pain, and transmute it into love.  And I do love.  I love people.  I love my parents dearly.  I understand.  I know why hurt people hurt people.  I get it.  I hold no resentment.

But it did all scar me.  My childhood and then subsequent marriages taught me how to fear and distrust love and those who show me love.  Basically I did not believe in love when it was given to me.  So while I can love others, and raise my child in love, I still doubted myself and my own worth, dearly.  I really hated myself for a while.  I hurt myself.  And then when I met HUGE real love I did not know how to accept it, trust it or believe in it even though I totally completely LOVED the love and loved the person who loves me, my James.  Still I was too wounded to accept his love.  I wish I would have been able to accept his love but the truth is I just couldn't.  I did not believe enough.  I was scared that he would one day realize I was not really worth it after all, and he'd leave me for something better.

I believe that he came to me to help me heal from the scars left on me after going through my childhood.  I do not believe being a twin soul is the only reason why I came here.  I came here for my son, to be his mother.  I came here to be the child to my parents and go through a lot, a LOT, with them.  But in the end we are a success.  My parents rehabilitated themselves, healed from major addictions, grew closer because of it, and have been married and very much in love for a long time.  My parents are so cute together.  They are 64 and 66 years old and in good health.  And my mom will walk up to my dad and kiss him gently on top of his bald head and tell him, "I love you sweetie."  And it is a blessing to see, how much they truly love one another.  We have a very tight family, me and my younger brother and sister, and there are three grandsons in the mix who adore my parents.  My son PJ LOVES his grandma and grandpa and he always begs to spend the night with them.  I feel they get a second change to "parent" with their grandsons and they do it up right.  So in the end we are the epitome of how to overcome.

But I am proud of myself.  I feel like I've already accomplished much of what I came to earth to achieve.  If my soul did choose this for me then I am going to try to understand and accept the role I've played in helping to heal generations of shitty abuse, addiction, humiliation, rage, pain, chaos, etc.  My childhood has it's good moments but it was pretty Hellish, and it does not need to be explained again.  I've mentioned bits here and there on my blog.  I was hurt.  And now I no longer want to be hurt.  I am protective of myself now, and one thing is I won't take much shit from people. I am not perfect.  For the first time in my life I am comfortable asking people to leave my life and not return.  And I am far from perfect.  Sometimes I get upset.  I am not always love and light but I do my best.  All I know is I want happiness now, bliss.  I want NO MORE PAIN.  I've had like 42 years of pain and all I want now is gentle happiness.

Again though, I feel I've done the main "job" I chose to come here to do.  Be that child and then be a mother and raise my child with love and no fear.  I know this is hard to believe but it's been years and years since I've felt any anger or resentment towards my parents.  I got over that pretty quickly.  I UNDERSTAND their own pasts, where their dysfunction came from.  My mom's parents humiliated her.  My dad's father was violently abusive and mean.  Both of their fathers were alcoholics, and my parents are recovering alcoholics, and well you know my own challenges.  Our genes are steeped in alcohol and addiction in many different forms but I am aware and I work every day at being strong and careful.  And I ALWAYS always work to stay on top of showering my child with pure sweet uplifting LOVE.  He has strong self-esteem yet he's humble.  He's a dear JOYFUL happy boy, and it shows.  He shines.  My son shines.

And I did that. :)  After everything I have been through, and go through now because this separation is painful as Hell, I have still managed to raise him right.

I do not feel like my "twin soul" journey is my main "mission" on earth.  My child is.  Being his mother and teaching him how to be love, love that he will pass on into the world, a world that desperately NEEDS LOVE RIGHT NOW.  I feel my twin soul came into my life to help me heal from my past, and it's been rough.  I'd have to say on both of us because he's the one whose had to... administer the mirroring to show my my HUGE ginormous fears and I know it's been hard on him too.  I think the bigger the fears and doubts the harsher the reflection, and it's been pretty terrifying at times.  Only those walking this path with a strong AWARENESS can understand.

Believing in James, his honest loving nature, and his love for me is definitely my "mission" right now.  He came to me to help heal me, I do believe that.  But I also believe, still, that he is THE ONE for me.  I have this faith that if I just believe in myself, my worthiness, knowing I am so so easy to love, and that he fell madly in love with me and still does love me, and trust that he is the same wonderfully gentle angel of a man who blessed my life with his presence before, then in the end we will come back together.  He means far too much to me for me to give up now.  But one thing I must say is I believe this is about US now. He and I.  Not "Doing this for the earth" or that it is only about self-realization and "getting closer to source energy" and all of that crap.  It's not about chakras or blue rays or kundalini or anything like that for me.  I am in this because I know that sweet adorable little man who I love so fucking much came to me to help me, and he said he wants to marry me and have a baby with me and I still believe he is meant to be my DREAM COME TRUE.  Here on earth, genuine pure "romantic" unconditional love.  I am already "Love on earth."  I have been for a long long time.  I already am a conduit for love.  I already choose love.  I may not be perfect.  I get angry.  I even cut people out of my life if knowing them brings me down yet I don't hold resentment.  I let them go with love and I move on. This journey has changed me.  I am way more protective of myself but still I love.  And I love HIM deeply.  And I want him back in my life to hug and kiss and love and share life with.  And that is what matters to me now in my "twin soul journey."  Shifting, always shifting, until I've done what I need to in order to allow this man to come back to me.  He's helped to heal me of the shit I had to experience in order to get my "soul role" completed.  I'm meant to love him for the role he's played in my life.  And I do.

So just a few thoughts.  I've had a lot on my mind.  I miss James too, a lot.  I love him so much.  But I've been working through some heavy anger concerning how much pain I've had to experience in my life.  I hurt now being away from the one I love.  I was beaten as a child, like in a ball on the floor being kicked and my hair pulled, and I've been through so much in my relationships as an adult, and then this twin soul separation and the mirroring.  I am SO READY TO BE TREATED WITH ONLY LOVE AND GENTLENESS NOW.  Anger probably won't get me there so I am working on shifting that energy.  And to do so I have to fully know why I came here, why this has all happened, and I am getting there.

Yeah I can get lonely and scared sometimes but I am choosing to stay in this, going forward in faith that James loves me and is waiting for me and aching to have me in his life again. I do believe "God" gave me the power, though, and I have to choose love over fear/doubt, and that's what I am working on right now.

Cheers,

Jennifer

 

Bittersweet...

Ah I love this man!  He's a brilliant actor and his soul clearly shined through because it is obvious he's a good human being.

Very sad to hear of his passing from, again, cancer.

This was our first family Christmas after losing my Uncle Nick from cancer last year right after Christmas.  My Aunt Sherry, his wife, always has Thanksgiving and Christmas but 2014 she did not because my uncle was, sadly at age 70, dying from cancer.  He fought for a while but due to complications from pneumonia after his cancer returned he decided to be taken off life support and he died in the presence of his wife and family December 2014.  This year was different without him with us.  He was a good man who treated all of us kids well.  I had a rough childhood and my aunt, my dad's older sister, would often come scoop me up from home and take me to her home for a few days to visit with my cousin who is six months older than me.  She is my God Mother and loves me very much, like her own daughter.  My Uncle Nick was her second husband and he treated me well, always.  He taught me how to ride my bike, a fucking miracle.  Me and anything to do with wheels do not get alone well.  I have horrid balance and bad gross motor skills.  I never did learn how to roller skate, and I barely learned how to ride a bike!  But he was patient and saw me through to learning, finally.  I think I was like... 16 years-old.  I jest.  It took some working with me to get me there and he managed to teach me.

I also lived with them for a while in my twenties.  I'd moved out of my home and into a relationship with my first boyfriend who turned into my finace' who turned into my first major heartbreak.  My parents would not allow me to come back home and I had nowhere to go.  I had to ask my uncle if I could live with them for a while, and bless him he said yes.  He was very fatherly and gave me advice and gave me a copy of "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People."  And I stayed with them rent-free for as long as I needed to, heartbroken and crying most of the time.

My Aunt Sherry asked me to speak at his funeral and I did.  I got there and there were like TONS of people because he was well-known in his community and well-loved and the priest said "the eulogists" would speak first and I started crying.  I didn't think of the loving words I had to share about him as a "eulogy" for someone who'd died until that very moment.  I'm still sad that he's gone. 

So the holidays were somber this year.  I miss James a lot, and that's something I have to keep to myself lest my family think I'm insane and wasting my life, and then I also missed my uncle.  And I felt for my Aunt Sherry and his sister, my Aunt Genny because they both dearly missed him as well as the rest of my family. 

Damn cancer.

David Bowie, "You remind me of the babe," will always be him in my mind.  "Labyrinth" was one of my all-time favorite movies in my youth.  And Alan Rickman, God- I adore him as an actor.  He is amazing and has a voice like crushed velvet... and melted butter.  So many of my favorite movies have him in a role.  When you watch someone so much you almost feel like you know him.

And I'm sure his family feels the same way about him as we do my uncle, losing a piece of their family and their hearts.

Let's pray for a cure for cancer.  And for the survivors and for those currently battling and for those who move on to the next dimension when their time has come here on earth to go home.

Blessings,

Jennifer

"Arms"

So these are the memories that are flooding me.  His arms.  His strong wonderfully warm arms.

As he was first telling me he was leaving we had a heated conversation.  All of my fears were flooding forth.  I was totally doubting his feelings for me, and everything felt wrong.  I said to him, "I need to know I have not been a time-filler for you!" And he replied in earnest, "A time filler?  A TIME FILLER?  Do you even see the way I look at you?"

And therein lies the problem.  I did see the way he looked at me but it did not register.  I saw that he gazed upon my beauty like I am a Goddess in his eyes.  He held me and smiled and told me over and over how beautiful I am, how sweet, how kind, what a good mom I am, how loving, what a good girlfriend I am, how lucky he was to have found me, and how happy he was that I was HIS sweet girlfriend.  And he called me his future.  "I really love you, my future."

He touched me so gently, like handling fine china, like I am precious to him.  I am like totally serious.  I don't even like READING romance fiction so I don't write the shit well.  I can't even make this stuff up- he was this loving, absolutely.

And I... I... it's like I just ignored it.  Like he was saying it all over and over again, and more importantly he was SHOWING me the same loving things he was saying, HUGE divine angelic perfect love, and I loved him and his love but something inside of me doubted it could be real.

I so wish I could go back and every fucking day after he went home I wish I would have whipped out my journal and written, "Oh HOLY JESUS and all the saints and angels above THANK YOU GOD for this man who LOVES ME SO VERY MUCH.  Finally the man I have wished for and dreamed about has come to me, thank you so much for my gift and my blessing.  I am so lucky that he loves me so so much.  We are going to be together forever and have tons of sex and babies!!!  Gahhhh!  My angel."

I did not do that though.  I worried and fretted and doubted and feared when he might leave me.

Fucking manifestation!!!

Once it shifted and he began mirroring all my fears that were surfacing the quiet began and I freaked out.  But we ended up on the phone after about a month of chaos and silence.  It was... totally of the divine.  Not of this earth, not at all.  But we talked and he started the conversation through saying just exactly how totally completely absolutely insanely Geeeeeeoooorgeous he thinks I am.  Like a Goddess... his voice was hilarious.  He was all like, "You are sooooooooo, like SOoooo, beautiful!"  Like a kid explaining just how absolutely amazing the best roller coaster in the world is.  Like I was up there with some Hollywood starlet and I remember looking at my phone thinking, "Is this guy like drunk or high?  What's he on?" because he was so damn emphatic that I am like the most gorgeous women he's ever laid eyes on in his entire life.  And he ended the conversation by telling me he loves me and asking me so quietly and softly and longingly if I wanted to see him again because he needed to see me.  And he very specifically told me that when he saw me I'd need to give him full and complete access to making love to me in every way.  His love and ache for me was entirely evident, how much he was missing me.

*sigh*  My love, my little mirror love.  I want to cup his face in my hands and just kiss him, so softly.

I've never felt that way about myself, the way he sees me.  My mirror so I suppose it must be true.  Interesting.  I think I am pretty.  I feel I have my good days.  I think that is pretty normal for many of us.  I don't hate on myself but I am not in the habit of glorifying my never-ending beauty, *snicker*

He did though!!!  And I do believe he thinks that way about me, even now.  God damn I want him and all of that love and desire and attraction and LOVE back in my life.  I know when he looks at me he sees perfection.  I KNOW that.  Yeah I can try and see myself as much the same as possible but I might never get there.

Okay?!  I might never get there!  I watched a video today by a couple I really like and he said it best.  He said they were not perfectly loving themselves when they came together.  We do the best we can but we do not have to be perfect.

But... I think for me it is as important for me to realize that James looks at me and sees his angel.  He looks at me and sees utter perfection, notices only all the glowing love and goodness inside of me, and it makes him think I am absolutely beautiful, like my adorable soul is shining on my face.

I can look back now and remember how he looked at me like he was looking at an angel.  I wish I would have recognized it then, his totally cherishing me.  But I know it's truth, and I know it still is.  So no, maybe I will never get to a place where I look in my bathroom mirror and want to gaze at the beauty of myself for hours.  Come on.  I usually think, "Okay.  It's a good day.  I am thankful for my long healthy hair and clear bright skin."  I am blessed.  I am thankful.  I am youthful.  I am "cute."  I've had people tell me I am "cute" but will never be beautiful, lol.  And that's okay.  But I know when James looks at me he sees this glowing angel of a woman.  I just did not really notice it before, hidden underneath the worry and the fear.

I miss my sweet love who thinks I am so perfect inside and out.  The feeling is mutual, as you know from reading my blog.  I adore him and find every single thing about him amazingly beautiful and adorable inside and out. 

Oh, those arms.  I pray to feel them wrapped around me soon.

"Lost"

Michael Buble "Lost"

This song has spoken to me for a while, about two years.  It's very true.  There are a lot of hurting people out in the world.

I really try to stay positive on my blog but I have an admission.  This has been a struggle, the whole journey since he left.  I can't lie and say it's been a walk in the park.  I can't force myself to fake being all chipper, like I can't feel down because it means my energetic vibration is too low or whatever.  I vibrate pretty high normally.  I'm loving and aware and I am content with my own company BUT I don't want ONLY my own company!  I'm lonely.  And for now I am really battling to stay sober.  And when I drink I don't drink to be social.  I drink because I want to not feel so much.  For a moment it allows me to be more at ease but of course it's SO not good for me and I always feel like shit later.  It interrupts my sleep pattern and I end up tired and feeling disgusting.  Empty calories.  All sugar.  Dehydrating.  And it's crap on my organs, thinking, and overall health.  I know this.

And I am a mother.  Just ugh.  As I've mentioned here before my mom and dad both are recovering alcoholics as are many many members of my family on both sides.  I know better.  I wish this was easier.  I wish the quiet was over and I was talking to my friend and love again.  But I'm not and I have to be strong even while I hurt.  For myself and my child.  

I no longer know what to believe about God.  I'm confused.  I still find myself in the habit of praying so I do.  Praying worked in the past so it must do something.  I just don't know what I believe any longer.  I used to journal to God, but is there really a "God" out there listening?  If I am responsible for creating my own reality myself then what does God even matter?  I'm really lost on the whole God thing right now.

I don't know.

Drinking.  Please don't think I don't love myself.  I do.  I love myself. I really do.  I love myself enough to want to be sober.  I love myself enough to ensure I realize I am perfect just as I am, and people love me just as I am, and I am adored by my twin soul just as I am right this very moment.  I love myself enough to want real happiness and peace of mind, and I love myself enough to desire divine romantic love in my life and believe it will return.  I also love myself enough to know *I* need to fully love and accept myself just as I am right this moment.  I DO love myself.  It's why I know I can't binge drink.  It's NOT being good to ME.  I don't think the occasional glass of wine will hurt me but that's not how I drink.  When I drink I have a goal: numb me, please.  Let me just not feel so much for a little while. 

Just a little different than "Calgon take me away," though.  

I do really good for a while.  I thought, at first, James was showing me to stop drinking.  Maybe that is partially true but more what was happening is when I drink I tend to fall into ego and get really super pissed off and in victim-mode, and just because I'm drunk, or at least partially drunk, when I shoot that energy out into the universe does not mean James is exempt from reflecting it back to me.  Alcohol and I just don't play well together, and I need to stay away from it.  It fucks with my energy and makes me feel even more sad and lonely than I do when I am sober.

*sigh*  I want to be so very strong.  It's my weakest spot, the drinking.  But I stayed sober for over a year and I will do it again.  

I don't think my weakness about drinking would keep me from my twin soul.  Being apart has more to do with fearful thinking and not believing BUT I know the drinking is not helping because it normally makes me end up in a foul mood.  Still though, James loves me despite knowing I have an issue with alcohol, and he does know.  I know he cares about me and my well-being and I'll bet he's out there wishing he could be a form of loving support in my life.  "It's okay and I understand and LOVE and support you," is what I imagine he'd say to me if he could.  I imagine he'd be very supportive of me wanting to be fully sober.  He's a good caring man.  You have no idea how much I'd love to just bury my head in his shoulder and be vulnerable for a while, let someone else take care of me.  And cry.  Hard.  For like a fucking week. God I pray for the moment when I can feel his loving arms around me again because they are kind strong caring protective arms.  I am so tired of trying to be this strong all the time ON MY OWN.  And believe me I do try.  Normally I succeed.  I just have to really work on staying away from booze.

This sounds like a total cop out but I soooooo would not be so drawn to drink if I was not alone and missing someone and aching like I do.  If all that was gone and I was feeling "happy" and totally satisfied with life then I'd not have the urge to drink.  It's an addiction but not one where if I do not drink I have withdraw or anything like that.  I can go a long time without it but the urge to reach for the bottle as an "escape" always pops back up.   Feeling sad or lonely is no excuse for drinking too much.  Alcohol is not good for me, and it's not good for me to drink when I have my child to take care of.  So I have to be stronger.  That's all I can do. 

And I guess maybe I could pray to this God who I don't even understand any more.

I want to have that supportive companion in my life. A loving husband and kind step-daddy to PJ.

I ended up having lunch with a nice man I know from work today.  We don't work together but I know him and have worked on a few projects with him.  He's a safety inspector and some people here don't like him because he has to be very procedural, and he's got a bit of a "dorky chemist" thing going on, as others explain it.  I just think he's a kind soul who takes his job seriously.  I walked into lunch alone, my norm, and he was there too and said how funny because when he'd just seen me at work he was going to ask me if I wanted to go to lunch with him to this very place.  So he moved to sit with me and when he asked me how long I've been divorced and told me he's been divorced for 12 years I was thinking, "Oh he's going to ask me out."  And he did.  And I let him down very gently by thanking him so much but I told him I'm not really interested in dating anyone.  He thanked me for being honest and nice and said I was not like the last woman he asked who gave him this terrible "ick, no" face when he asked her.  And it broke my heart for him!  It made me even more sad that people have been so cruel to him, mainly because he's your typical "nice guy."  So he asked if we could get together as friends for lunch sometime again, and I said of course.  And bless him he paid for my lunch.  I'm not interested in dating him though so I was being honest although he's a nice friend.  I told him I will pay for his lunch next time.  I feel for him because he's lonely too.

I'm so tired.  I'm really tired.  The song above really speaks to me right now.  I'm feeling a little lost.

Jennifer