Soul Role

I wrote a blog post not long ago and deleted it because it was a rant.  This is a revised version with a few thoughts I want to share.  I've been battling inside over a few issues, one being God.  What is God?  I've come to the conclusion that "God" must just be "Love."  Love energy.  And this Love energy does not "make change happen."  We do because we are conduits of energy and whatever created us, if it's this Love energy, created us with the will to choose between love and fear.  And this is why Jesus came to teach people about the power of love, and how love can change the world. Yet most people want to give all the power over to this external version of God that we are taught early on in life.

There have been a few people who have gotten pissed at me when I write about my feelings on Spirit/religion but these are just my thoughts.  I've always prayed to "God."  Sometimes this brings about change for me that I've asked for, and sometimes not.  I've been on my knees praying, begging, snotting all over the place asking God to PLEASE shift this for me with James.  Just PLEASE let me receive a loving message.  Some warmth.  And then it does not happen and I lose faith in "God." And I am tempted to fall into victim-mode and get mad at God for not helping me.  I do not know the truth about what God is.  But I do feel I have a good idea on one thing- if my own energy is not where it needs to be, love over fear, then there is nothing God can do to change my situation for the better except push even harder to try and change ME to choose love over fear.  Does that makes sense?  I will have things happen in my life that force me more and more to start letting fear go and instead replace it with love.  And THAT shift will help to change my circumstances but God is not going to just sweep in and clean everything up for me just because I ask... or even beg and plead.  I am thinking that it is now my responsibility to shift my focus to love and then the circumstances I want to change will, for the better, in some way.

That said, I've had some tough moments over the last month or two.  Christmas Eve was horrible.  I was very angry.  I told my son I hate Christmas, and I do.  I only tolerate Christmas for my son, and I try to make it as wonderful and magical for him as I can but as of now I hate Christmas because I am always without that love in my life that I want to share the holidays with.  And it upsets me.  I am not perfect, and it upsets me.  So I was very relieved when the holidays were finally over.  I've been battling with hating God, hating my soul for choosing this lifetime for me, hating soul for choosing the twin soul path for me for whatever reason, something to do with Awakening if I understand correctly, and totally not understanding why I went through the abusive childhood I had only to now be separated from my twin soul.  It all equates to PAIN.  A lifetime of pain.  And I don't always understand, and sometimes the confusion leads to anger and then I hate the divine.

So I have come to the conclusion that I chose to come here on earth and be born to my parents because they were inevitably going to have a child and abuse it because they were wounded and hurt and did not know how to love correctly.  Not their faults.  I do not blame them.  They were hurt too and often unconscious hurt people hurt other people.  But to avoid letting the cycle of abuse pass over from generation to generation I agreed to be born to them, experience the abuse, and then try my hardest to overcome it, heal enough to where I'd be an aware parent and NOT hurt my own child.

I really feel this was the MAIN SOUL ROLE I chose when I came to earth.  Being the child of my parents, being abused for almost 20 years, and then learning to choose love over fear or hate and healing enough so that by the time I had my son PJ {shown above} I could STOP the cycle of abuse and let it not pass over to my son.  Because how I think of it is WE are God.  WE are "Love" and only WE can change the energy and situation on earth.  We are little slices of that love energy from above and we choose to come down here and do what we can to "shift" things, and I do believe I chose to sacrifice my childhood, and myself, and be the one who took the pain and hurt and humiliation so I could deal with it but NOT let it continue.  This way I do not send more pain and fear out into the world through my son.

Does that make sense?  I LOVE my son completely.  I am far from perfect, believe me, but I am doing the best I can.  I raise him with love, not fear.  I was raised in fear, huge fear.  My son is raised in love.  He basically has no fear.  I asked him the other day if there is anything he is afraid of.  I wanted to see if he said something like, "When you yell at me," because sometimes I do yell.  He thought about it for a while and said, "I'm afraid of those zombies you grow in the water because I don't want you to drink the water and become a zombie."  Ha!  I feel pretty secure in saying that I do my absolute best to raise my son right: with LOVE.  I teach him to love himself, love other people and love all of nature, animals and the earth.  He knows not to step on the ants, not to litter, to hold doors for people, to say thank you, to be kind and loving, to be helpful, and he absolutely knows how to LOVE HIMSELF.  I tell him all the time how amazing he is, how helpful and kind and loving and how proud I am of him for being a sweet loving boy.  I let him be a kid too.  He plays PLAYS plays and is entirely joyful.  Yeah, I can sit back and smile knowing that I've done the most important ROLE in my life the right way.

I believe I am a "twin soul" or whatever this strange soul connection is.  But I do not think it is my MAIN role for being here on earth.  No.  I think my main role is to mother my son with love and send him out into the world as a strong loving force to help change the world.  It takes each of us, one at a time, to make change.  And it takes people like me to go through the inevitable abuse of generations of hurt people, take that abuse and pain, and transmute it into love.  And I do love.  I love people.  I love my parents dearly.  I understand.  I know why hurt people hurt people.  I get it.  I hold no resentment.

But it did all scar me.  My childhood and then subsequent marriages taught me how to fear and distrust love and those who show me love.  Basically I did not believe in love when it was given to me.  So while I can love others, and raise my child in love, I still doubted myself and my own worth, dearly.  I really hated myself for a while.  I hurt myself.  And then when I met HUGE real love I did not know how to accept it, trust it or believe in it even though I totally completely LOVED the love and loved the person who loves me, my James.  Still I was too wounded to accept his love.  I wish I would have been able to accept his love but the truth is I just couldn't.  I did not believe enough.  I was scared that he would one day realize I was not really worth it after all, and he'd leave me for something better.

I believe that he came to me to help me heal from the scars left on me after going through my childhood.  I do not believe being a twin soul is the only reason why I came here.  I came here for my son, to be his mother.  I came here to be the child to my parents and go through a lot, a LOT, with them.  But in the end we are a success.  My parents rehabilitated themselves, healed from major addictions, grew closer because of it, and have been married and very much in love for a long time.  My parents are so cute together.  They are 64 and 66 years old and in good health.  And my mom will walk up to my dad and kiss him gently on top of his bald head and tell him, "I love you sweetie."  And it is a blessing to see, how much they truly love one another.  We have a very tight family, me and my younger brother and sister, and there are three grandsons in the mix who adore my parents.  My son PJ LOVES his grandma and grandpa and he always begs to spend the night with them.  I feel they get a second change to "parent" with their grandsons and they do it up right.  So in the end we are the epitome of how to overcome.

But I am proud of myself.  I feel like I've already accomplished much of what I came to earth to achieve.  If my soul did choose this for me then I am going to try to understand and accept the role I've played in helping to heal generations of shitty abuse, addiction, humiliation, rage, pain, chaos, etc.  My childhood has it's good moments but it was pretty Hellish, and it does not need to be explained again.  I've mentioned bits here and there on my blog.  I was hurt.  And now I no longer want to be hurt.  I am protective of myself now, and one thing is I won't take much shit from people. I am not perfect.  For the first time in my life I am comfortable asking people to leave my life and not return.  And I am far from perfect.  Sometimes I get upset.  I am not always love and light but I do my best.  All I know is I want happiness now, bliss.  I want NO MORE PAIN.  I've had like 42 years of pain and all I want now is gentle happiness.

Again though, I feel I've done the main "job" I chose to come here to do.  Be that child and then be a mother and raise my child with love and no fear.  I know this is hard to believe but it's been years and years since I've felt any anger or resentment towards my parents.  I got over that pretty quickly.  I UNDERSTAND their own pasts, where their dysfunction came from.  My mom's parents humiliated her.  My dad's father was violently abusive and mean.  Both of their fathers were alcoholics, and my parents are recovering alcoholics, and well you know my own challenges.  Our genes are steeped in alcohol and addiction in many different forms but I am aware and I work every day at being strong and careful.  And I ALWAYS always work to stay on top of showering my child with pure sweet uplifting LOVE.  He has strong self-esteem yet he's humble.  He's a dear JOYFUL happy boy, and it shows.  He shines.  My son shines.

And I did that. :)  After everything I have been through, and go through now because this separation is painful as Hell, I have still managed to raise him right.

I do not feel like my "twin soul" journey is my main "mission" on earth.  My child is.  Being his mother and teaching him how to be love, love that he will pass on into the world, a world that desperately NEEDS LOVE RIGHT NOW.  I feel my twin soul came into my life to help me heal from my past, and it's been rough.  I'd have to say on both of us because he's the one whose had to... administer the mirroring to show my my HUGE ginormous fears and I know it's been hard on him too.  I think the bigger the fears and doubts the harsher the reflection, and it's been pretty terrifying at times.  Only those walking this path with a strong AWARENESS can understand.

Believing in James, his honest loving nature, and his love for me is definitely my "mission" right now.  He came to me to help heal me, I do believe that.  But I also believe, still, that he is THE ONE for me.  I have this faith that if I just believe in myself, my worthiness, knowing I am so so easy to love, and that he fell madly in love with me and still does love me, and trust that he is the same wonderfully gentle angel of a man who blessed my life with his presence before, then in the end we will come back together.  He means far too much to me for me to give up now.  But one thing I must say is I believe this is about US now. He and I.  Not "Doing this for the earth" or that it is only about self-realization and "getting closer to source energy" and all of that crap.  It's not about chakras or blue rays or kundalini or anything like that for me.  I am in this because I know that sweet adorable little man who I love so fucking much came to me to help me, and he said he wants to marry me and have a baby with me and I still believe he is meant to be my DREAM COME TRUE.  Here on earth, genuine pure "romantic" unconditional love.  I am already "Love on earth."  I have been for a long long time.  I already am a conduit for love.  I already choose love.  I may not be perfect.  I get angry.  I even cut people out of my life if knowing them brings me down yet I don't hold resentment.  I let them go with love and I move on. This journey has changed me.  I am way more protective of myself but still I love.  And I love HIM deeply.  And I want him back in my life to hug and kiss and love and share life with.  And that is what matters to me now in my "twin soul journey."  Shifting, always shifting, until I've done what I need to in order to allow this man to come back to me.  He's helped to heal me of the shit I had to experience in order to get my "soul role" completed.  I'm meant to love him for the role he's played in my life.  And I do.

So just a few thoughts.  I've had a lot on my mind.  I miss James too, a lot.  I love him so much.  But I've been working through some heavy anger concerning how much pain I've had to experience in my life.  I hurt now being away from the one I love.  I was beaten as a child, like in a ball on the floor being kicked and my hair pulled, and I've been through so much in my relationships as an adult, and then this twin soul separation and the mirroring.  I am SO READY TO BE TREATED WITH ONLY LOVE AND GENTLENESS NOW.  Anger probably won't get me there so I am working on shifting that energy.  And to do so I have to fully know why I came here, why this has all happened, and I am getting there.

Yeah I can get lonely and scared sometimes but I am choosing to stay in this, going forward in faith that James loves me and is waiting for me and aching to have me in his life again. I do believe "God" gave me the power, though, and I have to choose love over fear/doubt, and that's what I am working on right now.

Cheers,

Jennifer