"Lost"

Michael Buble "Lost"

This song has spoken to me for a while, about two years.  It's very true.  There are a lot of hurting people out in the world.

I really try to stay positive on my blog but I have an admission.  This has been a struggle, the whole journey since he left.  I can't lie and say it's been a walk in the park.  I can't force myself to fake being all chipper, like I can't feel down because it means my energetic vibration is too low or whatever.  I vibrate pretty high normally.  I'm loving and aware and I am content with my own company BUT I don't want ONLY my own company!  I'm lonely.  And for now I am really battling to stay sober.  And when I drink I don't drink to be social.  I drink because I want to not feel so much.  For a moment it allows me to be more at ease but of course it's SO not good for me and I always feel like shit later.  It interrupts my sleep pattern and I end up tired and feeling disgusting.  Empty calories.  All sugar.  Dehydrating.  And it's crap on my organs, thinking, and overall health.  I know this.

And I am a mother.  Just ugh.  As I've mentioned here before my mom and dad both are recovering alcoholics as are many many members of my family on both sides.  I know better.  I wish this was easier.  I wish the quiet was over and I was talking to my friend and love again.  But I'm not and I have to be strong even while I hurt.  For myself and my child.  

I no longer know what to believe about God.  I'm confused.  I still find myself in the habit of praying so I do.  Praying worked in the past so it must do something.  I just don't know what I believe any longer.  I used to journal to God, but is there really a "God" out there listening?  If I am responsible for creating my own reality myself then what does God even matter?  I'm really lost on the whole God thing right now.

I don't know.

Drinking.  Please don't think I don't love myself.  I do.  I love myself. I really do.  I love myself enough to want to be sober.  I love myself enough to ensure I realize I am perfect just as I am, and people love me just as I am, and I am adored by my twin soul just as I am right this very moment.  I love myself enough to want real happiness and peace of mind, and I love myself enough to desire divine romantic love in my life and believe it will return.  I also love myself enough to know *I* need to fully love and accept myself just as I am right this moment.  I DO love myself.  It's why I know I can't binge drink.  It's NOT being good to ME.  I don't think the occasional glass of wine will hurt me but that's not how I drink.  When I drink I have a goal: numb me, please.  Let me just not feel so much for a little while. 

Just a little different than "Calgon take me away," though.  

I do really good for a while.  I thought, at first, James was showing me to stop drinking.  Maybe that is partially true but more what was happening is when I drink I tend to fall into ego and get really super pissed off and in victim-mode, and just because I'm drunk, or at least partially drunk, when I shoot that energy out into the universe does not mean James is exempt from reflecting it back to me.  Alcohol and I just don't play well together, and I need to stay away from it.  It fucks with my energy and makes me feel even more sad and lonely than I do when I am sober.

*sigh*  I want to be so very strong.  It's my weakest spot, the drinking.  But I stayed sober for over a year and I will do it again.  

I don't think my weakness about drinking would keep me from my twin soul.  Being apart has more to do with fearful thinking and not believing BUT I know the drinking is not helping because it normally makes me end up in a foul mood.  Still though, James loves me despite knowing I have an issue with alcohol, and he does know.  I know he cares about me and my well-being and I'll bet he's out there wishing he could be a form of loving support in my life.  "It's okay and I understand and LOVE and support you," is what I imagine he'd say to me if he could.  I imagine he'd be very supportive of me wanting to be fully sober.  He's a good caring man.  You have no idea how much I'd love to just bury my head in his shoulder and be vulnerable for a while, let someone else take care of me.  And cry.  Hard.  For like a fucking week. God I pray for the moment when I can feel his loving arms around me again because they are kind strong caring protective arms.  I am so tired of trying to be this strong all the time ON MY OWN.  And believe me I do try.  Normally I succeed.  I just have to really work on staying away from booze.

This sounds like a total cop out but I soooooo would not be so drawn to drink if I was not alone and missing someone and aching like I do.  If all that was gone and I was feeling "happy" and totally satisfied with life then I'd not have the urge to drink.  It's an addiction but not one where if I do not drink I have withdraw or anything like that.  I can go a long time without it but the urge to reach for the bottle as an "escape" always pops back up.   Feeling sad or lonely is no excuse for drinking too much.  Alcohol is not good for me, and it's not good for me to drink when I have my child to take care of.  So I have to be stronger.  That's all I can do. 

And I guess maybe I could pray to this God who I don't even understand any more.

I want to have that supportive companion in my life. A loving husband and kind step-daddy to PJ.

I ended up having lunch with a nice man I know from work today.  We don't work together but I know him and have worked on a few projects with him.  He's a safety inspector and some people here don't like him because he has to be very procedural, and he's got a bit of a "dorky chemist" thing going on, as others explain it.  I just think he's a kind soul who takes his job seriously.  I walked into lunch alone, my norm, and he was there too and said how funny because when he'd just seen me at work he was going to ask me if I wanted to go to lunch with him to this very place.  So he moved to sit with me and when he asked me how long I've been divorced and told me he's been divorced for 12 years I was thinking, "Oh he's going to ask me out."  And he did.  And I let him down very gently by thanking him so much but I told him I'm not really interested in dating anyone.  He thanked me for being honest and nice and said I was not like the last woman he asked who gave him this terrible "ick, no" face when he asked her.  And it broke my heart for him!  It made me even more sad that people have been so cruel to him, mainly because he's your typical "nice guy."  So he asked if we could get together as friends for lunch sometime again, and I said of course.  And bless him he paid for my lunch.  I'm not interested in dating him though so I was being honest although he's a nice friend.  I told him I will pay for his lunch next time.  I feel for him because he's lonely too.

I'm so tired.  I'm really tired.  The song above really speaks to me right now.  I'm feeling a little lost.

Jennifer