I need to focus. My mind really is all over the place and I've been battling some hopelessness and anger, not directed at James but at the universe concerning my situation. And negativity directed towards anyone or anything isn't going to help this whatsoever so I need to find balance.
I dream of James being in my life as my friend, husband, lover and companion more than anything in the whole wide world. If I had a choice between winning a billion dollars in the lotto or having my sweet James back in my life I'd choose love over money in half a heartbeat. I'd be with him no matter what as long as he could be my love, in my life. I want to share life with him. I want to cook him Shepherd's Pie and make a nice warm comfy home with him. I dream of having a loving family with him and being so excited to see him after a long day, waiting expectantly to hug and kiss him . I dream of James being the man to show my son how his mommy should be loved, openly and with tenderness and compassion, gently like he once did. I want it ALL and I feel in my heart he actually wants all of this with me too, no matter what it looks like right now.
I have to keep my energy and focus and intention on target. It hurts my heart to know there are sooooo many people out there convinced that we don't "need" to be with anyone, and that we really should be okay to always be alone. Why? Why alone? LOVE is everything, and not just unconditional love for self or for humanity... but also love for that special ONE. Why do you think we as humans are designed as we are, to mate? Point A to be inserted into Point B yet we LOVE hard as well as have biological urges? Because we are created to be together with another special someone. Some animals even mate for life. Just because we are each love on our own does not mean we are meant to be alone.
I love this man so fully, and I miss him tremendously- beyond my human ability to control. I'm healthy and very independent and strong and aware and I actually DO love myself. I love myself enough this I no longer want to ache. I want bliss and happiness and wonderful love in my life. I'm ready to accept love and believe in love when it's showered upon me like it was with James, and God knows I want HIM back. There is no other love than his love that I really want. I want to give him sooooo much love and joy and I need to have him near me. That's love, a mixture of a very soulful yet human love. I love him so much... and I just need to be completely quiet and away from talking with others now because not only do I love him but I'm raw. Tender. And I miss him with every cell in my body, and that's not something everyone can obviously understand. It's not the love I have for him that hurts. It aches because I need his warm protective arms wrapped around me. I need his beautiful loving non-stop kisses. I pray to hear his sweet voice soon, and to see his precious face. I know Heaven; I've been there when I was in his arms.
It's a divine love that I'll always feel for him because no matter what my future holds- I know THIS man is the one who was made for me. And I love him with a love that there are no human words I can find to properly explain. I just love him. With no apologies. I LOVE him and I know he feels the same for me.
Hugs lovelies. I wish you all peace and happiness in life and love. There is some great info in this last energy forecast from Cassady, totally suited to how I am feeling and maybe for others as well.
http://www.twinflames1111.com/blog/weekly-energy-update/25th-31st-jan/
Jennifer
I've been in a similar situation as you and I have learned that the only way to stop the pain of LIFE is forgiveness. I know forgiveness is hard and painful but it is the only way. I know you are probably saying to yourself "then I guess I'm just gonna be this way the rest of my life" because it seems too painful to face and you keep fighting it which causes more pain but instead of fighting you have to let go of the grudges and unforgiveness because holding on to those grudges and that anger for GOD and life and all the shit that happened to you will only bring pain and suffering to YOU. There is literally nothing else that will come of holding onto it except your unhappiness. Let go of the unforgiveness you feel and. Let go.
ReplyDeleteAgain, thank you. I think my anger at the divine, or whatever chose this life for me, is the only "entity" I have any resentment towards. Not life really, and not any human beings. People might try to tell me, "Oh you have not forgiven" but those who know me well know I hold no resentments. What really peeves me off sometimes, and I know it's irrational and I am working in it, is that I don't like being in this separation, and the separation is a result of the fears I learned from my past so I get upset... because I want it all to be done now, and I want to be back with this person I love. And I KNOW there is more work to be done, and I am putting one foot in front of the other. Right now I am feeling more ambivalance towards the divine than anything. It's not so much anger at "God" because I feel God is love. Ha, I guess I'm a little irritated with my "soul" or my "higher self" or whatever is the "invisible Jennifer" who chose the experiences I'm having, and I'm doing the best I can as I experience them. I also feel I should be able to feel how I feel until I can process it and let go, and I really am trying. So thank you. I appreciate you reaching out to me! I will really work on letting go of this last piece of my anger, being upset with my soul.
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