Fairy Tale Love

Ever since this twin soul union began I've felt like I am living in a fairy tale.  Some fairy tales are very romantic and sweet... other are sprinkled with an eerie darkness, and often there is a heavy combination of both light and dark in the aspects that create a fairy tale... and there are normally various struggles, like the slaying of a dragon or the demise of an Evil Queen, leading up to the "happily ever after."  A week ago right now I was losing my mind because Joron sent me unsavory messages that were used to show in my face my fears, inner vileness {as my guidance calls it} and to show me that I must stop drinking- I like to think of this hurdle, along with the others, as one of the "dragons" I've had to slay in order to get closer to achieving our happy ending.  Those messages essentially scared the holy living shit out of me but for good reason: I saw just how strongly psychic my twin soul is, and I saw that The Divine is on my butt like white on rice.  I will assume this is for good reason and now that I've been shaken awake it is time for me to own my Divinity and realize I truly am a Being of Light.  This was a spiritual weekend for me.  All that got done around my home is the kitchen was cleaned because I don't like a dirty kitchen.  Grossness.  But the rest of the house is cluttery and dusty and... well that's what happens when there is only one of me to go around, and that one of me is going through a strong spiritual Awakening. 

 Last night after I posted my long rambling blog about and to my twin about his love my guidance told me to tell him what's been happening behind the scenes.  Oddly enough I wasn't terrified to so do.  Nervous of course... but he needs to hear it now.  I was guided to tell him about the telepathy.  To explain to him, a staunch Atheist, that he hears his soul and this is why he "ignores" me.  I told him about my drinking and explained that his messages on Sunday were to wake me up.  I urged him to please understand it was not his "fault" because I *know* he is suffering in his heart wondering just exactly is going on with him.  Honestly I think he feels he has something mentally or emotionally wrong with him when in all actuality he is a Lightworker who channels swiftly and completely.  My twin is highly psychic, a gift I saw in him when we dated although back then I didn't quite understand what I was seeing although now it's become glaringly obvious.  I laid it all out there... and it was a relief for more than one reason.  Ignoring the strange silence was becoming harder and harder to do.  I was recently told my throat chakra is closed but I wasn't sure how to address this with my twin.  I've always been patient and kind with him and when he recently told me that he stays quiet not because of me, that I'm "wonderful," but because he must have issues or something... I felt horrible knowing what is actually going on between us.

He is my Prince.   He Awakened me with a kiss.

Yes- I have always thought of my twin soul as "My Prince."  He's helping me to heal... and here is where the fairy tale ramps up, when the heroine steps over the boundary separating "real life" from fantasy.  I have doubted his love since we met.  His love for me is so big, so all-encompassing and so real that is blew me away and didn't feel real so I convinced myself it just couldn't be true.  And then once I insisted to the universe that he would leave me one day... the universe ensured that happened so I could see my "dragon" and slay it.

I am calm today.  Last night I told an Atheist that he's a Lightworker who channels his soul.  I admitted I have a problem with alcohol and need to avoid solitary drinking and that he's being "guided" to help me with my vices, and this is a man who calls God a "Cosmic Puppeteer" so I'm sure he's just thrilled to think that some force in the sky is "using" him.  He may think a multitude of things about me but as an educated man I can't imagine he can't see some truth in it, and it might scare him.  Can you imagine having the things you so strongly believe in challenged in such a strange fashion?  This poor man.  I feel for him.  I needed to at least try to get him to see, even just a little, because I do not want my twin experiencing guilt over his actions when they are inspired by Spirit to help heal me.  Joron is a very sensitive man.  I don't want him hurting.

But another thing I feel is that he has a hugely strong undying love for me that is constantly being forced back due to the twin soul separation we are going through right now.  More and more I get this feeling that where before I was terrified that he'd stopped loving me, and I had to fight to believe he loved me, now I can feel his love.  And it's wonderful and sweet and warm and amazing... but it's also sad because I know he wants to be with me and has wanted to be with me for months.  He honestly did not want to leave me, and shit I doubted him every step of the way, and I feel really kind of sad about that.  Sad because I thought so little of myself that I couldn't believe in his love for me, like I was not worthy of such strong perfect love, but sad because he in no way ever deserved me doubting him.

I've written about this before but my aunt googled him and found a man uncannily similar who is married.  They were all sure he was some monster scientist who just used me then ran back to the west coast to be with his wife, that he was one big lie.  My aunt said my cousin thought maybe he just used me as a strange social experiment.  I remember frantically googling this man at midnight while pushing my terror down so I would not choke on it, getting light-headed while thinking to myself... there is no way.  He was wonderful, light, love, grace, respect, bliss.  He could not have been one big lie.  It took forever for the site to load and suddenly there was a picture of a scientist in front of me who resembled my twin, worked for an organization that has the same last name of my twin.  They studied the same areas of interest... it was uncanny.  And it was not him.  And immediately the call between me and my aunt ended on its own accord, meaning Spirit ended the call, and when I sat down to "tap in" I cringed because I knew Spirit would have some choice words for me.  They were "No doubt!  Never doubt your soul twin again.  Trust him fully!" 

Yet still I didn't.  I'd freak out from time to time throughout the silences and wonder what sneaking lying horrid things he was doing yet somewhere inside me I always had this feeling he was only working a lot, enjoying his past times in order to stay occupied, and he was remaining single- for a reason.  He bought a trilevel home... for a reason.  Because he loves me.  A lot.  I know this now.  I understand what these unions truly are.  They are 5D unions between two people who live in a 3D world.  It is nearly all Spirit orchestrated, especially during separation. He said so many loving words to me that were supposed to help heal me and I'd let them go in one ear and out the other.  God I remember my guidance telling me, "How works a lot to stay busy so it doesn't hurt so much."  I thought to myself, scoffing the entire time, "Yeah right!  Like he'd have pain over missing me."  The next time we ended up on the phone he spoke of work and he said, "I work so much.  I work a lot... too much *insert deep sigh here* I need you.  I need you in my life."  Why did I doubt so much?  Oh but I did.

A lot has transpired between Joron and I in the last week, and he has not responded to me since his last "mean" message a week ago tonight.  That shook me up, woke me up, Awakened me.  We made it this far through some really crazy stuff that has happened over these last nine months... we will make it through this too.  One thing that has shifted is I know his love for me never died.  It's always been there.  It is like we are living in a fairy tale where love is hidden away far up in a castle and can't be reached right now.  I swear to God I know he loves me and for some reason that love, for now, can't be shown in a "boyfriend-girlfriend" relationship and the more I NEED that for affirmation, desire constantly being shown his love instead of just owning it with a deep inner knowing- he moves farther away from me.

So he's told me some choice things and I told him, an Atheist, that he's a Lightworking psychic who has a strong magical connection with me.  LOL- last year this time, or even three months ago, I would have been DYING right now.  Falling apart, freaking out, world caving in, unable to sleep or eat or think dying.  But I'm alright.  I guess I finally just see how much of Spirit this truly is and I have faith that what is supposed to happen will.  It is my goal to stay in a place of Love and Light and knowing.  He may not be with me physically but he's with me in Spirit, and this love means so much to me that it's all I need until the time is right for it to shift into something more.

A while back I woke with this song in my head, and all I could see was his baby blue eyes twinkling at me, looking into my soul, "I know you I walked with you once upon a dream.  I know you the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam." I knew those words reflected the moment on our first date when we met and laid eyes on each other for the first time, how we both felt we'd met already... once upon a dream.