I started to fall into ego earlier.
My twin soul recently sent me some new photos of himself. He did so in response to me telling him I was in the ER in terrible pain wishing he could be there to hold my hand. I have not seen a photo of him in over a year so it was a pleasant surprise but it still had that edge of "Here I am having all this fun {on the golf course with a beer in my hand} while you are over there suffering alone." I'm still having a lot of energies shown to me through my mirror, and they are very deliberately being handed to me so I can inspect them and see what they are all about, where they originate from, and how to get rid of them.
I am *really* working on battling ego this week. See- he might be in town right now. Supposedly he is. And I am expected to work on my energy and faith, unconditional love and understanding that he did try to give me his sweet love but I was too afraid to believe in it- and being twin souls he is my mirror, and here we are. It's all a mirror of my own stuff and I always must keep that in mind. I have no idea if I am going to be able to see him or not. I hope so. I dream about it. I believe it can happen. But I refuse to freak out about it or feel like he's avoiding me. I know he wants to see me just as much as I want to see him. My heart tells me so.
But as I looked at the picture I asked myself... what is he sacrificing really? Beer in hand having the time of his life. I started getting that really shitty feeling inside that is all ego-based fear and resentment and suddenly it hit me. Me. He is sacrificing me. And that is one Hell of a sacrifice.
He is sacrificing his love for me. And my guidance has told me this plenty of times but I always blow it off. My guidance has told me that "ignoring his love for you is nemesis." When I don't believe in his love for me- that disbelief is what is kicking my ass.
Many months ago my twin soul sent me an email that said something like, "Our love will take sacrifice." I assumed he meant on his end, like he'd have to sacrifice his freedom or career or living in California or something along those lines- something 3D. Or I'd have to move to California and sacrifice my friends, family, son's father. Now that I look back though I am wondering if it was one of those Divine messages telling me that in order to stay separated from me while I work through my "schtuff" he would need to sacrifice the huge love he has for me. I always feel like *I* am the one over here sad and alone. But what about him? He's alone too- he has no lover in his life, no romance, no significant other. This I am sure of. I am not the only one who misses him. He misses me too. He's suffering from the loss of my HUGE love too, and believe me- I love hard. I am a good love, and he loves my love. He had to walk away from something good in order to show me myself. I am trying to wrap my brain around this concept, and it is not the easiest thing for me to do. Why you ask? Because in order to believe that he is sacrificing his love for me I FIRST must believe that he is totally head over heels in love with me and never ever wanted to let me go.
And this is me we are talking about here. And a huge part of my twin soul journey concerns me accepting the love he has for me as truth. It has been too easy for me to feel like he could so very easily let me go. My guidance has told me, "You are so ready to think he could just walk away from this love." Yet my guidance has reminded me that those times when I've opened a door for him- he's not walked through it but RAN through the door at breakneck speed and dumped love all over me for the brief moment that I've allowed it, before my disbelief once again slammed the door shut on him.
It should not be so hard for me to believe that leaving me behind would hurt. I am a good loving woman, and my guidance has told me that he "loves jilting his twin soul's mothering heart not." That means I've been told that he gets no satisfaction out of rejecting my "mothering heart." Not at all- and I'm thinking it is probably hurting him too, and I need to understand that and accept it. He'd much rather be experiencing and appreciating my mothering heart instead of holding out from it.
I need to understand that when he told me, "You should accept love" it was Spirit telling me- THIS is your quest: to overcome your disbelief when someone is in love with you, and this is the soul who is going to help you. This soul. This adorable man, smiley and bright. Loving and kind. Special. He is so very special to me in every way, and yes I can see more and more now how he has sacrificed love for me. He is single when he loves being in love. He wants to be married yet he waits for me; I know he does. My twin is a sweet adorable intelligent charming babe who could land a hot chick in a heartbeat if he wanted to. He is youthful and funny. Witty and compassionate. SOOO handsome, OMG. Gah. Yet he stays single. For me. And he comes through to guide me when he is meant to. To show me to drop ego and realize his love for me, trust him. Adore him- and know he adores me as well.
Wish me luck. It's quite a challenge let me tell you.
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