Soul Battle

This is no laughing matter at all.  I feel like I am in a battle for my very soul.  Not many out there could possibly understand the level of fear, lies and ego I am being pushed through.

I don't have much to say besides I am fighting through it.  I REFUSE to slip way backwards or run off, and oh I have been tempted.  I tried to sign up for Plenty of Fish a few weeks ago but it would not work.  Literally on my computer the POF system would not allow me to complete my membership so I walked away, taking it as a sign from spirit.

It is a very intense week here on my end since supposedly my twin is here in my home town area. And he knew I was hurting, and he knew I would have something else done surgically this week- yet I've only received not only silence but a bounced back email telling me his email address is no longer active.  There is a lot to face this week- he's told me after this week he's leaving the country for six months, to Russia.  Of course I am scared.  Of course I have so many conflicting emotions like "Well if I fuck this chance up again then it will be at least six months before it might come about again."  So it's very loaded right now, an intense time.  But I have to realize I am doing the best I can and whatever happens will happen, and a miracle could happen at any moment.  They surely have happened before for us and I doubt that's going to end any time soon.

I refuse to try again right now messaging him though.  I've been here before.  And I know it is Spirit, not that he just shut off his email.  His last message to me told me he WISHED and HOPED to be "intimate" with me something this week.  And he sent me photos and asked to see me.  He wrote, "Love and Cheers."  It is not of this world and it is all to continue to push fear out of me and love and strength into me.  I know I am supposed to rely on our spiritual connection and realize he WILL reach out to me when I shift things.  It's happened before so I must have faith.

These twin soul journeys are not for the weak.  They just are not.  This is not about just sitting back and allowing shit to happen.  It takes work. confidence, trust, love.  One must be immensely emotionally mature in order to get through a twin soul experience.  I would like to think I am somewhat emotionally mature.  I am doing my best.  Yesterday was a huge battle.  I was in the hospital again getting ready to be put to sleep, being poked and prodded and scared.  I was not alone. My mother was with me, and I do believe James was in Spirit.  But I had a very VERY difficult day with fighting away pure hatred.  Seething.  Yet I know this is a huge challenge and am I going to cave to fear and ego?  Or am I going to march forward knowing DAMN WELL that he tried over and over and over again to prove his love to me and I rejected it out of fear each and every time?  I honestly feel like I am purposefully being challenged just to see how strong I have become.  And I am a very willful woman when I put my mind to it.  I will only succeed.  There is no other option.

I am going to do my part in holding on to the truth of him which is love and light, knowing he is my mirror and only out to help me.  I am NOT going to fear him and keep us separated for the length of this lifetime.  I MUST be strong.  I MUST believe the unbelievable.  I MUST know his goodness, and my own, through all of this.  And I fucking swear with everything I have inside of me that I WILL do this thing.  I WILL get us to reunion.  I will fight through for Love.  I will.  It is definitely a challenge and not for the weak.

For those who blame the other twin, run, distract, ignore the connection, hold resentment, etc. etc. reunion will never come.  Never.  It will repel the twin.  We must only have love and gentleness for them NO MATTER how tempting it is to feel hurt, slighted, disregarded, ignored, rejected, etc. None of that is truth and we must be strong and look past it.

I do love my sweet twin, and I know this must be killing him right now.  So I will continue to believe in him and us.  I will continue to write in my journal to him and know he hears me just as if I was emailing him; Spirit is asking me to stop reaching out in 3D and I have to listen now.  Now I have to take that leap of faith and believe in the spiritual connection over the 3D human connection.

Talk about needing to have faith.  But I crashed the last time we did this scenario.  I called him at the end of the week and begged him not to overlook me, and I reinforced this idea that he was "ignoring" me on purpose instead of having faith like I was shown to.  I will not do that this time.  Come Hell or high water I will NOT cave to the same patterns of fearful behavior, turning from God.  Not. Going. To. Do, It.

As much of a challenge as it is I will go inner, into solitary thoughts and reflection, and work even harder towards creating love and space for both of us, so one day we can come back together.

I miss my twin soul.  I miss my little love muffin soul mate science trip golf fanatic sweetheart with my entire heart and soul, and this is by far the challenge of a lifetime. It is a battle of love and fear, honest to God it is.  My dream is to make this happen, reunite, ascend together and NEVER EVER come back, ever again.  I want this as my last lifetime.  It has been a very hard lifetime and I am so ready to just retire in happiness once this life is over.  So that is my wish, to reunite, spend the rest of my days on earth combined in love with my twin soul, and then we go to heaven and spend the rest of eternity in bliss together.

XXOO and please keep me in your prayers if you would,

Jen