A year ago right about now is when I started the blog. I started it to stop myself from going insane after my Beloved and I reconnected hard and then silence once again ensued. James was supposed to come back last year about this time but went silent after I fell into fear and then I created the blog to begin documenting my experience.
So here it is a year later. OH SO MUCH has happened in a year! OMG, and most of all I wish I could go back to June and stop the fear. But I can't go back in time, alas. All I can do is think about today and move forward. But again, here it is a year later and similar circumstances are being shown to me. James could come back soon. It would basically be a re-do of last year and I don't know if that is a coincidence or what.
For me the most important thing to note is what have I learned in a year? Am I the same person I was then? No- I am not. I am sober. I am more patient. I have stripped away a ton of ego and fear and ANGER. Oh I used to get so angry and mean inside. I get tiny flare ups here and there but overall my ego has quieted. The mirroring surely has helped. It is not easy to stay in that state when your twin soul mirrors it back to you! LOL- it's much easier to see it, combat it and release it!
James and I have exchanged a spattering of strangely-worded emails but overall the last months have been silent. I am thankful for the spattering of messages though because they reassure me that YES this is still happening, YES he is out there helping me and YES we are still "together."
Last year I was terrified. I knew what had happened but I was still too scared to fully embrace that my energy was causing us to continually separate. Now, a year later, I do not have that same fear. Not at all. I have more moments of clarity than back then. Way more. I am not doubled up in pain, searching for answers at the bottom of a bottle of Beam. I definitely no longer worry that this is just his choice, not at all. I guess my biggest frustration is simply that I adore him and wish he was back with me.
I no longer beg God to bring him back. I no longer write in my journal wondering why this is happening or feeling like some kind of deity is keeping him from me. Oh no. It is all me, myself and I. So I am working on it.
I miss him. I love him. I adore him. I desire him. I want him from the depths of my soul. Oh... I desire him, Where before I was so wary of him that I could barely think or bring myself to imagine him, now... I want him, lol. I want him back here holding me, kissing me. I want to touch him, taste him, feel him, breathe him in. I want to feel his hands on my face, his lips on my lips, his warm naked skin against my warm naked skin. I long to look up and see him above me making love to me, or feel him making out with me while gently making love to me.
It was always gentle with us. I was thinking of this earlier. It was never frantic or needy. Our love was passionate but it was not that "hardcore" lustful feeling. We kissed softly for weeks, hands above the waist, long slow deeeeeeeep kisses. Eyes closed, drinking each other in. Barely coming up for air kisses where I'd make small moans and draw him closer like I wanted to climb inside him yet there was little... naughtiness. Not like we were dry-humping each other, lol. There was no getting off involved. Just kisses. Pure sweet genuine kisses. And once I finally asked him to come to bed with me that was pretty gentle too. Love making. Making love. Well James does know how to give it to me good, there is no denying that, but still it was somehow sweet even in its most, er, excited and feverish moments. One strong memory that I absolutely cherish is the image of him above me looking into my eyes... "You're amazing" he breathed to me once while gazing down at me, moving in me. We did not have an opportunity to make love very many times before he was gone. But I cherish the memories I do have of being so ultimately close and one with him. But I also adore the fact that we spent the rest of those weeks just sitting and smooching like our lives depended on our lips being locked together!
I really need him back. I miss him so fucking much. That is what hurts now, the not being with him. It is not fear or anguish or anything like that. It is simply that I am lonely for my lover. For my friend. I am lonely for my James and I really really want him back in my life. I ache for him on every level.
I ache enough that I am willing, for once in my life, to become fully vested in believing in a dream while really really trying to listen to what my Higher Self has told me along the way. I long for him, and I also do not like the idea of this man I adore and want happy out there being separated from from the one HE loves- all because of my own energy. That is not fair to him either!! My love wants to be in a relationship! He LOVES love and loves being snuggled up at night. I know this about him; he is not at all afraid of intimacy- he craves it yet he is alone as well. As a matter of fact, allow me to clarify something here. *I* have a sweet adorable warm snuggly little five year-old boy to hang out with and keep my company. My son is so loving and he cuddles with me and tells me I am his best friend and he will love me forever. I have that added dose of love in my life. A presence to sweep into my arms and hug or dance with or laugh with or play with or even dine with and share time with. James does not have that little warm body he can snuggle up with- he's truly alone. At night time when my son climbs into bed with me, wraps his little arms around me and drifts off to sleep- my twin is in bed alone. I know he is alone... and it's kinda sad don't you think? James is not meant to be alone. It is only RIGHT of me to try the best I can, give it my full effort, and see what magic can happen for the two of us.
Doing the best I can, doing the work, is all I can do. And it has to be the writing {writing so I feel} that is going to get us back together. The writing to constantly create truth instead of fear. Honestly I live a very good life, healthy, secure, happy and fulfilling so there is not a lot I need to change or "heal" about myself. Just call me self-assured. We can all improve, of course, but I am in a good place. Balanced. Aware. Loving of myself and others. I think the final step here in getting to reunion is simply fully believing in and defending my twin soul and the love he has for me. That is key. Believing that he is out there missing me and aching for me with the same fervor that I have for him is a very daunting task for me- probably the hardest in all of this. But I must know it.
That man and I were at the height of our love when he left and shut off. We were at the sweet point where two people who are in love are just getting to know each other in all ways. Intimately too. Like to where you can't wait to get home and tear each others clothes off and lick every inch of one another and fuck like rabbits, take a nap and do it all over again. So I know that for him to be torn from me at the height of all that love and intimacy could not have been fun for him. He'd just learned that his new girlfriend has utterly no qualms over and actually quite enjoys giving enthusiastic and talented head- and BAM he was gone. I think any man out there would be like, "Fuck you mean to tell me NOW is the time I have to up and move 2100 miles away from this sweet thing? NOW?! You've gotta be kidding me."
Not to mention we'd talk for hours and he'd never want to hang up the phone. And he'd already started telling me, "I so need to get back home and see you" and it was only like two weeks he'd been gone. He'd become attached to me. Our connection, even now, is very strong. He did not want to have to let that go, and I know that. James wants me. There is no doubt about it. I just have to shift the energy around to where he can come back to me. I can have no fear. Only faith, trust and love.
I do believe we have a chance at reunion soon. One major difference is I no longer see this as an experience where I have huge expectations and then will freak out wondering if he will "want to come back and see me." Nope. It has nothing to do with his desire to see me and ALL to do with my energy. THAT is what I am keeping in mind. THAT is why so many plans between twin souls fall through, because it is all energetic. Has little to do with the intention of the one coming to see the other. It has more to do with the energy, love and faith of the one hoping and waiting to be seen. Any fear there and the plans will be halted. Been there, done that and got the t-shirt oh about ten times since this all began.
I view this as an opportunity to see how much I have progressed, to gauge how far along in the twin soul process of losing fear and gaining unconditional love for both myself and him I have come. I do believe it is a chance, an opportunity, to see my sweet loving boyfriend again- but it is wayyyy more than that too.
My endearing James wants to come see me. I know he does. My love, My sweetheart, the one I adore. He's wanted to come back about, see above, ten times or more since he left. Now would be a good time for me to finally get him here, accept the love, open that door, let my walls down. So that is my goal this time. Doing it differently. I see things much more clearly and truthfully than before.
Wish me luck :) My Beloved is a cutie pie sugar pants and I cannot wait to kiss him from head to toe so I REALLY need to get him back here into my arms again, where he belongs. A good long long long hug is in order, long overdue.
I love this man with a love that is from beyond this world. I look forward to looking into his beautiful eyes soon.
And a kiss. Our kisses are bliss. I can't wait to kiss my love again.
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