I feel we are made for connection and love. I've had to be a hermit for the last two years in order to find and heal myself, my true self. Yet at the same time I have my close connections too. I have people who understand me and love me unconditionally. God has blessed me with good family and I have some close friends who adore me no matter what I do or how weird I may seem or how odd my life can appear at times. It's a beautiful blessing to have such people in my life.
Secondly when I began writing this blog I did it because I just felt it was the right thing to do. I started by wanting to be truly honest about my journey. I was given knowledge and guidance from above about my experience and I wanted to share that even if I personally find it hard to apply at times. Still I've always known it is truth so I felt inclined to share it. Also I love my twin soul very much and my blog has always been a place where I can share my strong feelings for him but also parallel it to the happenings in my life. I have always tried to be very HONEST on my blog. I don't write here when I am stuck in ego because the purpose for my writing here has been to share truth, not ego-fears and doubts. That is not to say that when I am alone, not writing on the blog, that I do not cave to quite a lot of ego-fears and doubts. I do. This is why I am alone right now and not with the love of my life. Again though let me reiterate that I've always tried to be honest here. And I've shared a LOT. Many of my past mistake are recorded here. Shit I wouldn't even tell my priest if I had one I've shared here. Some people may ask, "Why do you share so much about yourself on a private blog???" Which leads me to my last point...
It is not because I am egotistical or think what I have to say is oh so grand or exciting. It's not because I think I am better than anyone else or because I am a "twin soul." It is because I KNOW there are other people who experience what I did almost exactly two years ago right now. Falling deeply, totally, head-over-heels fabulously in love with someone who suddenly left. Who suddenly seemed to change and become... something I never expected, and it felt like I was living in a dream, one where I would wake up and it would all be back to normal again but I never woke up.
I never woke up.
And it would have killed me had I NOT had the clear guidance from above, and had I not experienced such strong cause and effect between me and my twin soul. Only those things saved me because I knew it was for a purpose. I trusted enough that I did not off myself out of the pain of losing someone I love as much as I love my very own child.
Also I want people to know that their "colorful" pasts do not define them. I've done some regretful things and made some choices in my past that I'd NEVER ever dream of making today. I've grown and changed. Just because I've done some not-so-great-things to myself in the past doesn't mean I can't ascend past those things. People can read my blog, see my past indiscretions and know they do not have to damn themselves. You CAN forgive yourself and change to be a healthier more self-loving you. You can let go, really. It's okay. We all make mistakes. All of us. God knows I've made some huge ones, very personal where I put myself in positions that were simply hurtful. I look back and just shake my head and hug myself for getting through that and knowing that I will NEVER be back there again. Thank God. And my twin because he's helped show me the type of love I deserve so I can never ever settle for anything less than loving and respecting myself with another person.
In my life I have played the role of the victim AND the victimizeR. I made the conscious choice to cheat on my ex-husband, the father of my child. No the marriage was not happy, and no I don't necessarily regret my decision because it brought about much-needed change BUT my point is I made that choice. I hurt him. I own that choice. I am far from perfect and I have not made the most painless or "perfect" decisions in my past. And for the sake of authenticity I think it is only fair for me to be honest here. I am not here to paint this perfect picture of myself. Being "spiritual" means learning from mistakes. Growing. Fucking up and learning from it, and asking for forgiveness. And I have fucked up in my past. Cheating on my husband is in my past and I don't hold it against myself but I did hurt him and I feel badly that he was crushed by me and my actions; maybe back then I did not care so much but now that I look back I have sympathy for the pain I put him through. My husband has now turned into my friend and he has forgiven me. He is in a happy relationship with a kind caring woman who loves him a lot and that makes me very happy for him. I've prayed for him a lot because I DO want him happy. I am not happy for the pain he went through with me in the end. I did get caught immediately because I am not a good liar at all. Cheating did not come naturally to me, and sneaking around never felt good. This is why today it feels SO good and healthy to be living as much of a transparent honest lifestyle as I can. I don't like lying or sneaking around at all. I'm not happy that my husband was hurt by me but I am happy it brought about a change that made him happier, and I had to get out of that marriage too because it was wounding me. But I am here to say that yes, I've made choices in my past that were far from perfect. We all do- we are human. I never did it to hurt him. I did it because... well, not really reasons I can express properly or that need to be expressed. Fact is we all make mistakes, and some of us, like myself, discuss them to let others know you are not alone in making decisions that can hurt people. I've been hurt, and I've hurt others. And it was not my intention to hurt another human being, just like it was probably not the intention of those who have hurt me to do so either. I am fortunate now that my son's father and I have a good relationship. He helps me when I need help, and he is a good father to his child. We have grown together and changed in these last two years and I realize that I am blessed because as a divorced couple who co-parent we do get along well. I consider him to be my friend and I know he still cares about my well-being, and I care about his. And he loves his son a lot, and that is so important in a time when too many fathers do not commit to their children. My prayer for him is that he is very happy and content now, and that he has found the right woman for him to love and spend the rest of his life with, a woman who loves him like he needs to be loved. I was not the one yet he did bless me with my beautiful son so we definitely had a purpose together.
As it pertains to this twin soul experience, I could not stay silent when I'd think there might be someone else out there experiencing something similar but not having the same guidance as me helping them along. So I shared it all to help not only myself {it's cathartic and I have a sharing-soul so sharing really helps me for some reason} but I also felt that maybe sharing my story could help ease the heart of someone who might be going through a twin soul or soul mate separation, a separation inspired by self-created fears and doubts, spiritual mirroring.
It's a sensitive time for me right now. Two years ago I was... walking on air even while harboring my own private fears about love. But I had this sweet loving amazing new boyfriend in my life who I got to see often because he made me a priority and loved to talk to me and be around me, kissing me and loving up on me. And it was really awesome, my dream come true. Perfection. He asked me if there is possibly a heaven would we be there together for eternity, could he kiss me forever in eternity? And then two years ago tomorrow he was gone. And he still holds a piece of my heart no matter the circumstances.
I hope you all are well.
XxOo
Jennifer
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