Feeling

This song is sweet.  And Scully & Mulder help pull me through when I don't think I can go any further.

I've written blog posts in my head but have not posted here much.  Nothing feels right and I've also been a wussy because sometimes when I write here people like to ride me later about how strongly I feel or believe, or tell me I believe wrong, or that I should do this or that of the other, etc. and while I love talking to people and I am open to other opinions- my own deeply held personal beliefs are not up for debate.

This whole "manifestor" thing.  I see things happen in my life and I THINK I know why they happen, I cause them to happen, but since I don't know 100% for sure I then get confused, scared and discouraged.  And then I have to try and pick myself up and brush myself off and tell myself, "I am not giving up."  I have a feeling my focus still has created stuff I don't like.  I can only speculate based on cause and effect.

I miss James.  All I want is to get closer to him.  To hear from him and talk to him easily and freely like I did before.  We are two human beings, and we are friends.  We never stopped being friends.  I know he cares about me and my well-being.  We should be speaking to each other.  I wish I could talk with him about this election.  I totally jones to hear his take on the state of our country.  I ache to have a real discussion with him.  I want to know how he feels.  I wish he could be truthful with me, honest.  I know he is a good man who thinks well of me, loves me, and would like to talk to me again.  I miss James so much.  I've said that a million times I know but most people cannot understand what I mean, how deeply I wish to know him like I once did.

That is the kicker for me.  All I want is to know James again like I did when we met.  Happy, friendly, joyful, sweet, dear, kind, generous, thoughtful, caring, considerate, respectful, affectionate, attentive and loving.  Everything about him was absolutely perfect.  With me he was the man that my single girlfriends wish to find.  Someone who is openly affectionate and not afraid to show his emotions.  A man who is happy to say, "I want you as my girlfriend, and I am happy to have you in my life."  A man who is appreciative and says, "Thank you.  I really appreciate you."  In the past my blog readers have thought I am crazy for "holding on" to someone like this but I was the one who dated him and experienced his amazing love.  He is a great person.  Of course I miss him!  I was given this huge gift and I've never ever gotten over him being gone from me.  And I am not okay with it now either.  I ache so bad.  I fight to be strong for myself and my son.  I hate being so sad all the time; it sucks.  But I am so used to disappointment now, and that makes me sad too.  I guess it has made me stronger because what used to almost literally kill me or send me into a huge gigantic terrified tailspin in the past now only makes me sad.  Sad because I feel like when I "accidentally" focus on something I shouldn't, and then I see evidence of what I never really wanted come into my life, it is not making me come any closer to James, and all I REALLY want is to come closer with James.  I want to know him again.  All I want is to have him back like I had him before, loving and real.  REAL. 

I love Sundays because they are usually the days when I can hang out with my son and be domestic.  I enjoy being a homemaker! Yesterday I made a few different meals for the week, dinner for last night too.  My friend who lives me has major stomach issues and I know what she cannot eat.  I made a cheesy ham casserole but for her I made a separate casserole with gluten-free noodles.  I LIKE taking care of people.  I "mother" well.  Being a mother is probably my favorite thing ever but... I would love to be a good wife too.  I would be such a good wife to James.  I was thinking that yesterday while I was making dinner and cleaning up.  I'd be so good to him, and all I want to do is love him!  I want to take care of him and cook for him and feed him and love him and make him happy.  I have what I need in my life, a job and money and all that.  But what I do not have is companionship, not from an adult male.  I want him to be my partner.  I do stay alone because I want him and I feel that if I want him then my focus should stay on him not on someone else.  I love James.  He is the man I want in my life.

He told me a few months back that I am right.  He said, "You are right."  Right in that I know he loves me.  I know that man loves me.  He said I am right.  He does love me and always has.  Yes.  I know this.  It is why I have fought so hard to hold on to that truth.  He loves me.  He fell hard in love with me.  He was happy to meet me and he felt he'd met the woman he'd hoped for.  We match well together and we get along happily.  It is what makes this all seem so surreal because me and James had fun together.  I am pretty easy to get along with!  And so is he.  When we were together, with each other, it was always kissy and good, close and loving.  And we loved talking to each other.  We got along so well.  We had no issues, no drama.  Just a very peaceful happy love.  It was wonderful knowing him, and I believe that he feels the same about me.

So why the continued quiet?  I don't know.  The only thing I can think is that quiet tests me.  I don't like it.  I have allowed it to have the power to make me doubt, and I think that is one of the reasons why it continues.  I just wish it could shift, change.  I wish I could "do" whatever it is that would allow him to be here.  To know each other again.  I've never wanted anything more than I want to know James again, the sweet kind fun loving happy REAL genuine man I met.  I miss that man.  I remember him well.  He made an effort for me, and I realize it was because he genuinely wanted to.  He LIKED seeing me.  He enjoyed spending time with me.  Being near me made him feel good.  Just like it felt so good being near him too.

I have a therapist, had him on and off since my first marriage.  He is Buddhist.  He is understanding and he knows all about this situation.  I told him I am so done with "spirituality" and trying to be "strong" and all that.  I don't care what the teachings say.  I miss James.  My life would be so much happier if he was in it.  I feel like something is missing from my life without him and all I want is him.  I fight to be happy.  I want to be happy.  I like being happy but often I am sad without even wanting to be sad.  Because I miss James and I wish he was with me.  I wish he was with me and PJ.  I have not dated since him.  I've made love once in three years and it was with him.  I feel like we should be together.  Like he'd called me "honey" if he could, and he wants to.  I just know he loves me.  I know he is the same very gentle kind loving person I spent time with, the man who treated my son well too.  I can't ever get past that or let him go.  He was SO good.  I loved him when I met him but I remember the day he asked to take me and my son out together.  I lost my heart to him that day.  Seeing him be so kind and nice to PJ was too much for my heart to handle.  I lost it.  I fell very hard for him then.  I knew he was the man I wanted to be mine, to be with us.  He was so sweet with my son, showing him how to miniature golf and feeding the alligators with him.  It was warm that day, late September and when we were all done we could have left, you know?  But there was a big inflatable slide the kids were going down and James looked at his watch and said he still had about an hour if PJ wanted to play.  So we sat there together watching my son climb up this huge slide and go down it over and over and over again, and I still can see James' face in my mind.  He watched my son and looked happy.  Peaceful.  Very patient, a little smile on his face while he enjoyed watching my son have fun; he was so sweet!  It was the best time, most wonderful day.  I have never been happier.  It was probably the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me, taking us out like that and being so sweet to me and my son.  That is why I love him so much.  Because he was so good to me.  Because he is such a good person!  Because he showed me what a kind gentle loving person he is.  And he is funny.  And smart.  And friendly.  He was always smiling and making me laugh.  He cared about my happiness and well-being/  He liked to make me laugh and smile.  I miss him.  I miss how wonderful he is, that he did make me so happy.

I am not one of those people who firmly believe "You alone are responsible for your own happiness."  I mean I get it.  You don't want to be codependent on someone else.  But man when you are in love with someone and that person is not in your life it sucks.  It kinda sucks the happiness away.  I know it flies in the face of many teachings but I like my people.  My friends and family and especially my child.  I love being with my child.  If I did not have the people in my life that I do then I would not even want to be here.  I am not so "happy" alone that I'd enjoy living without my loving contacts.  I am totally find being by myself for a while.  I did it for most of my marriage.  I am really independent so I am okay being alone, or at least I used to be.  Now I don't like it so much.  I'd rather be with the ones I love most of the time, some alone time to think and have down time.  I think we are made for companionship.  We are social creatures.  Made for companionship.  I miss my companion.  I miss James.  I am MADE for strong love, made for cuddly affection.  I love being held and cuddled and kissed and he was so wonderful to hold and cuddle and kiss.  He likes affection too.  This is one reason why we were so good together.  We are both cuddly affectionate people; he honestly felt so much like me because of how affectionate and loving he is.  I feel kind of emotionally lost without him.  I am a strong independent woman but I feel emotionally lost.  I try and hide it well but man I am sad.  Something big is missing from my life, and life would be perfect if he were back with me.  I deserve happiness and I was totally completely thoroughly happy with James, happier than I have ever been.  He brought such joy to my life.  I miss him with all of my heart. 

That is the hardest.  I have never been happier than when I was with James.  I told my therapist this.  I said I cannot stop missing him.  I cannot stop crying.  I cannot stop hurting!  He said he can understand and would not expect that I would not miss him or be sad.  He said it is to be expected and that I should not judge myself for how I feel.  To allow it instead of feeling like I must be stronger or whatever.  I am not stronger when it comes to missing him.  But I have to be able to handle it and deal since I have a life to live, and a child to raise.  But I do miss James.   It is so hard for me to put into words but we were close.  We talked about everything.  He became my buddy very quickly and I felt safe with him.  Comfortable.  It felt so right with him.  I trusted him a lot.  It was intense too.  And because we talked ALL the time or else he was with me we became attached to each other quickly and hard.  It might not have been a super long time but the time we did spend knowing each other, we were in constant contact.  He wanted to know more and more about me and all we wanted to do was be near one another.  Close.  It felt so good being together.  Sweetest man I ever met or could dream of meeting.  So... this feels all wrong right now.  It is unbelievable.  I know he actually loves me still.  I don't totally understand this energy or "soul" connection, and I don't care to.  I don't watch any more videos and I only follow one guide.  Her messages usually speak to me in some way or another.  She says this is all about LOVE.  Love.  Knowing love, focusing on love and believing in love.  She explains that we are creating this.  And I was told that from above and it is what I feel.  Love.  I just love him.  I love him.  He means so much to me.  And I believe he feels the same way about me... I wish he could show me.  Like he did before, like when he said it felt like we'd shoved six years of love into six weeks because we loved each other SO hard.  I wish he could be back with me now.

I am trying the best I can.  My missing him and sadness can sometimes get the best of me.  But I am still here.  I don't blame other twin souls for moving on.  I can understand it.  But I can't.  I keep telling myself what we had was so damn special.  More special than I can explain, more special than people can understand.  And it is real.  He told me I am genuine and it is rare and that he thinks he loves me for this reason most, because I am genuine.  That is so sweet.  He was protective of me and my body and my heart.  I know that man.  I remember him.  I feel in my heart we are meant to be together so I am always reigning myself back in when I feel myself losing it.

I ache to kiss him and touch him and hold him again.  I miss his sweet beautiful face.  I'd do pretty much anything to talk to my friend and love again.  I don't think I can ever stop hoping to hear from him or wanting to see him again.  I can't shake the hope and want.  I love him now and will love him forever but I sure wish we could come together again, sweet sweet man.

My Love.  I miss you.  Each day is a challenge to get through without having you in my life.  I love you!