What I Would Give...

We are going to celebrate the 7th birthday of the little girl who lives with us this evening.  I am looking forward to getting out of work for the long holiday weekend.  I like being able to spend the extra time with my son. 

I feel sad though.  I miss James so much.  I miss him so much that it is hard for me to write or focus.  I feel antsy and discontent like I want to climb the walls.  I hate the silence.  My blog title is wrong.  Silence in far from golden.  FAR FROM GOLDEN.  I do believe and understand everything I've written here about why the silence happens.  But believing it and liking it are two separate issues.  I will never like it or accept it.  It makes me fucking crazy because it is not normal or right.  It should not be.  We should be talking and laughing with each other into the wee hours of the morning with him asking for just a few more minutes before I hang up.  We should be being silly and naughty and exchanging flirty messages and photos and videos again.  We should be in contact.

"Focus on what you want instead of what you don't want" means I should not focus on the silence yet all I want is to talk to James again or be with him.  Together.  Not apart.  TOGETHER.  A friend of mine said we have "unfinished business" and I thought that was a great way to put it.  We never "finished." We are not meant to.

I am just so frustrated and irritated and impatient and trying so fucking hard to stay "happy" and peaceful because I deserve a happy peaceful life and I so desperately want to be happy and ache-free!  But I am so far from content.  I miss James and I want him and his love in my life.  It causes me so much inner grief- you have no idea.  I miss him so much that it hurts.  And I'm not fucking happy.  I WANT to be happy.  I'd love to be happy.  But happiness for me means sharing my life with a loving adult companion and I don't have that.  So... I kind of make do with what I have and be thankful and try to be "happy."

And it sucks.

That's how I feel.  It sucks having to "try" to be happy.  I know the bliss I felt when I dated James and was his girlfriend.  It was the best feeling EVER.  And I miss being with him.  I loved being with him.  I loved knowing him.  And not knowing him really hurts.

I am not in a mood to be all strong and positive right now.  I wish I could talk to him.  I wish I could know him like I did when we met.  I wish things were normal.  I wish our situation was back how it was when we met, so funny and happy and REAL!  I wish I did not know about twin souls at all!  I wish I'd never heard the term twin soul, quite frankly.  Because all I care about is that I had a sweet wonderful boyfriend in my life who was kind and gentle and who fell hard in love with me and we discussed a future together and all I really want is that future with James.  This experience has made me crave to feel "human."  I am human.  I live on earth.  I am tired of spiritual rules and yada yada.  I want to LIVE.  And I want to thrive.  Not simply "endure" and right now, the way I feel, I don't know the word for what I do.  I make the best I can out of my constant fucking heartache.  I let it soften me as much as possible.  I try to be empathetic to the pain of others no matter why they hurt.  But overall I wake and hope to get through the day without hurting too much.

I don't like this.  I don't feel good.  I want what I had.  I want to hear from James.  This is unreal.  We care about each other and people who care for one another talk and catch up and check in and... respond.  It's so not of this world, not what I knew before, and sometimes I wish I could go back to not knowing.  God-  I wish he could have just stayed with me and shared happiness and that I'd never heard of twin souls or any of this.  I wish there would have been no separation.  I wish we were together now.  I wish I was happy. 

I wish I did not hurt so much.

I wish he talk to me and be the man I know he is, the guy I met and dated.  My friend who cares about me.  I am so frustrated right now.  I feel sad impatient yet I still want to be the best person I can be.  There is so much SHIT out in the world right now.  The children in Aleppo break my heart.  I wish I could take them all and care for them.  I just can't even.  I don't have a heart cut out for watching or hearing the news.  I can't see turning those children away.  I wish things were different.

I don't know.  I wish the world was different.  I wish our country was different.  I wish my life was different.  I don't know anymore why this twin soul thing is going on.  I am already a good nice loving person so I don't need to be made any more "nice."  I love myself.  I think I am a good person.  I respect myself and others.  But I still don't have the ONE thing I really truly want most in my life, that close loving romantic relationship.  And I met James and knew James and I want it with him.  Ugh- the "unfinished business" is more like unfinished LOVE.  We were so very much in love with each other and that did not just disappear. It is so unbelievable.  It makes me crazy inside.  He should be with me.  He should be with me.  Nothing happened bad between us.  We only loved each other, a good real strong pure genuine healthy love.  Good love.  We had the start of a beautiful relationship.  We were only good to each other.  I love him now but I loved him a lot and I only wanted to be good to him.  I adored him.  He was everything I ever asked for so it overwhelmed me.  He overwhelmed me with his big huge love.  And yes it felt "too good to last" or something like that. 

I just want him back how I had him, loving and caring and kind and gentle.  I miss James so much.  I feel inconsolable.  Turmoil.  I put this smile on my face and make sure I stay... what is the word I am looking for.  Diffused.  Tempered.  I don't like when my anguish and ache make me impatient with others {like my son} so I strive to be as patient and loving and kind as I can even when I ache so fucking much that I wish I could escape this somehow- in the past I've thought of death as an escape from my pain but that won't work because my child would be devastated.  So what do I do?  I have to feel it.  I have to wake in the morning and immediately feel like a fucking freight train has plowed into me because that "missing him" and loving him feeling overwhelms me and the reality of wanting him so much... is still with me.

I dreamed of him last night and I rarely do.  It was a small short dream.  He was this guy I met and I'd seen him, spent time with him and I really wanted to see him again but I did not know when I'd hear from him, and I really wanted to.  I have to tell you- this emotion of "I really would love to see him again or hear from him" wears at me.  It is constant.  The "wanting."  And not knowing when I might- it's so hard for me.  All I want is to hear from my loving friend and love again and to be together with him.  Connected.  In touch.  Talking.  Laughing.  Being silly.  Friends but also lovers because that is what we are: friends and lovers.  We hit it off immediately and wanted to date and be together as a couple.  I don't agree with the term "bubble phase."  It was not a fucking bubble phase.  It was real and honest true love.  It was wonderful and blissful but very very real.

So yeah.  What I would give to sleep in his arms.  To lay next to him.  To be able to kiss him whenever I want which would be often.  He always told me when we were married we'd make love every night because he'd want to be close to me.  To sleep without him is anguish.  I want nothing more than to know he is with me, sleeping with me, every night, sharing his life with me.

I honestly don't know what to do at this time other than feel all this and cry when I need to and try to stay "positive" even if I cannot achieve true happiness all the time.  I feel sorrow.  I can't help it.  I feel blue.  I wish he was with me, blessing my life, and without him I ache constantly.  I would love for him to be back in my life laughing with me kissing me and holding my hand, making love every night, being close and loving and friendly again.  I miss his laugh.  I miss James.

One thing.  I might not like the term twin soul right now but I've told myself I will continue to share when it applies.  Right now I only share my feelings because it hurts being apart from the one you love with all of your heart.  And I know others are out there and some feel ashamed or wrong for loving someone so much, for aching so deeply.  Well I do not feel ashamed of how intense my feelings are.  They are my feelings; it is my heart.  I've told myself I will keep sharing no matter how disenchanted I get with this situation or how strongly I miss him.  I don't necessarily like this situation right now but for some reason I think I am meant to be honest and raw with how I feel.  I love this man and I have shared that here for almost three years now on this blog and I continue to hope that sharing my feelings and my thoughts can help even just one person feel not so alone.  I know this is a hard experience because when we love people we really like for those people we love to be close with us and a part of our lives.  Especially that one special person.  So I feel you.

Take care,

Jen