Love...

James is a Sox fan, lol.  I was raised a Cubs fan but I have nothing against the Sox.  I've been to plenty of their games too.  But this was a really great series with The Cubs this year.  I wish life could be one big Cubs win :)

I wrote a post earlier about God and deleted it.  I am seriously confused when it comes to "What is God" these days.  It is so mind-boggling to me that I am choosing to gloss over it for the time being.  I have enough in my head without pondering God.  I know something is out there that has tried to point me in the direction of moving towards what would bring me the most happiness.  I've always felt protected somehow too, like when it comes to major life "stuff" {home, work, money, my own good health, healthy family, good friends, etc.} things seem to work out well for me.  I'm blessed.  And I am not sure if that is because I don't worry about those things so they run smoothly or if there is something out there that helps those things happen for me.  I'd like to think there is something out there that helps me!  It makes me feel a lot more supported in my journey. 

At the same time when it comes to love, like a partnership with an adult man in my life, things have not run so smoothly.  It is the one area of my life that has been rocky.  I'd love for that to change.  I felt real true love with James.  I felt what love was meant to be like with him.  He showed me the love I'd always dreamed of.  The love I wrote of in my journals when I was a teen-ager.  The love I craved from my husband.  The love I always hoped I'd find and share with a good man- I found that love with James.  In him.  So yes I miss him very much.  I cannot help but miss him.

I am not sure what this "journey" is supposed to teach me.  Enlightenment?  Basically what I can see is I have to watch what I create through manifestation.  I don't know why I am such a strong manifestor.  Not "expert" manifestor for sure because I ain't got this shit down yet, not by a long shot.  I am constantly reminding myself to SHUT MY FUCKING MOUTH so I don't say something that I am going to regret later.  Or write it down, or express it in a text conversation with someone.  My roommate feels that I should be able to "get off my chest" the things that worry me by talking them out.  And it is so tempting to express a nagging errant thought or worry to her but I really shouldn't because too often then I see more of what I am worried about come into my existence.  Dudes- it's a challenge.

I've told myself when it comes to this election and the results I am going to be an example of "Light" by not getting sucked into the bullshit.  And I am far from perfect.  It's probably pretty obvious that I did not vote for Donald Trump but I also refuse to be hateful now that he has won.  I remember when I saw James last he said maybe America needed to elect Trump so we can see ourselves more clearly {it was something like that- I was pretty much in shock and don't remember everything that was said.}  Maybe he was right.  Maybe in the end it will result in a societal change or something.  I don't know.  I am not that big into politics yet I am a fighter for certain human rights like the right for gay marriage and reproductive rights.  I also understand that protecting the environment is important and well, yeah.  Still I don't really want to focus on the negative since I know I have this strong creation energy in me.  I am staying quiet on social media because it is a hotbed of crazy right now.  I do have a Facebook page but it's more to share stuff about my son because he's another one of my gifts.  But lately I've backed off most conversation about what is happening in the country since most of it is sadly negative and I don't want to go there.  I say this because when I read about twin souls it says we are here to be "A light for the world."  So I am trying to do my part by staying positive and loving and accepting of all opinions.

That said, in my personal life all I can think about is James.  He is what I want in my life more than anything.  I miss him.  I miss him so very much.  I have been quiet on this blog because what else can I say?  I wish he was here.  I miss him.  I cry for him.  My heart aches and I wish with all of my might that I could do what it takes to shift this.  I wish I could avoid any and all doubts or worries or stupid thinking.  I wish I could "open" things so he could reach out to me.  I feel like I am dying inside without him.  I just do my best to put a smile on my face and get this life thing done as well as I can.  But it does affect me.  I wish he was here sharing life with me, being an encouraging supporting character in my life but actually here with me, not just energetically.  I miss holding his hand and seeing his bright shining smiling beautiful face.  *sigh*  He has such a beautiful face.  I am still very much in love with him.  Impossible for me to not be in love with him.

The drinking has been much easier to avoid.  I drink some wine or beer sometimes but I'm really trying to avoid drinking hard liquor and I will admit the main reason is because it makes me feel like dog shit.  I did not stop because I am afraid that I am doing something "bad" or wrong.  Probably if it did not affect me physically as bad as it does I'd still be drinking.  How's that for honesty?  But ugh it gives me heartburn and hangovers and headaches and it's just really fucking stupid- right?  I mean yeah you can admit it, dumb.  So I've been doing well staying away from the ole' bottle.  It's not good for me.  I'm still working on other things but drinking is really a negative for me so I am really not going there.

I cry a lot.  The emotions get overwhelming.  Tidal waves.  Sometimes more than others.  It depends on my mood, my hormones and the music playing on the radio... and what I remember at that moment.  It is so sweet to remember sitting on my couch being all wrapped up in each other kissing for hours or walking hand in hand through my neighborhood or him hopping into my bed naked and sweet wanting to make love to me, wanting to make me feel good, showing me without words how lovely he thinks I am- those things are sweet to remember but they made me ache to the bone and then I cry.  I wish he was here.  I wish I no longer needed to reach back for the precious memories but could instead create more new loving memories with him.  *sigh*  I love James and miss him a lot.

I know that most people can't understand where I am coming from but I can't stop how I feel.  He is on my mind and in my heart pretty much every moment I am awake whether I want it or not.  Sometimes I try to distract and I swear to "God" that it's put back in front of me again and I am not sure why but... he is always there.  I miss his bright blue eyes.  I miss how when I saw him last he leaned back on my couch and pulled me into his arms and hugged me for a moment when it had been ages and ages since I'd felt his touch.  It always feels so right being in his arms, like the perfect fit.  And I miss his warm embrace.  I miss his sweet kisses.  I miss his gentle sexy voice.  I miss being naked with him!  I miss his tender touch and his loving passion, and this is how I feel ALL THE TIME.  Yet I am a strong independent woman who really is sane- so I don't always understand it.  I loved others before him and eventually the longing for them left me.  Yet with James it remains.  I really want him back with me.  It is my biggest dream and wish.  I may not know exactly who or what God is but I am still going to pray to this "God" like I always have because honestly I don't know what else to do.  I pray to God and silently talk to James and hope that something out there feels me and knows my genuine good loving intentions.  I've said this before- I love James no matter what.  I think that is pretty obvious, right?  It is an unconditional love.  I don't love him "If only."  But that does not mean that I don't ache for him and wish with everything in me that he could be with me, us sharing life together next to each other.  I want to wake to his smiling face every morning and make love with him every night, forever.

Maybe I will start writing that again here for a while.  I feel blocked when I don't write here yet all I really have to say is I miss him.  I have all these wonderful memories of us together and all his goodness- I just really wish those memories could come into my existence again as new experiences with him.

Best. Love. Ever.  Knowing him like I did all close and loving and genuine and honest and GOOD was the best time of my life.

Jennifer