Nothing

Nothing feels right when I write it here.  This is mostly why I don't post as much as I used to.  All I can say is I miss James a lot.  It has been too long since I've spoken with the sweet man I met, dated and fell in love with.  My heart is aching, and I don't like any of this right now.

It is very hard to focus on the magical parts of life when a person is so so so sad and missing someone.  I find it almost impossible.  I cry all the damn time.  I make sure to count my blessings but even though I am thankful for what I have- that thankfulness does not take away my loneliness. 

I hope you all have good holidays.  I'm trying the best I can to be thankful, enjoy my blessings and not let the pain of missing him override my holiday season.  I am tired of being sad at Christmas time.  I would love to have a happy honestly joyful love-filled Christmas.  I would love for the man I love to be by my side laughing together with me throughout the holidays.


And yes I still say this "thing" is about romantic love.  People can lecture and say twin souls are not about romantic love, etc. etc. and all I will say to that is I fell in love with James first.  Before any of the separation and "mirroring my fears" came into play- we fell in love with each other.  To me this is about love.  Nothing more or less. 


I want something to change, something that will bring me happiness, peace, freedom and joy.  Because right now I do not feel those things.  Instead I pine and long for a man who is not here in my life, and it does not feel good.

What felt good was talking with James, laughing with him, being with him like two NORMAL humans are together.

I love James.  I wish it could be more like it was when we met.  I wish it could be "real" again instead of this stupid silence and nonsense.  The silence is bullshit.  We should be talking.  We talked all the time, and we got along well.  We looked forward to speaking with one another, and even while separated there were times when he needed to talk to me and we talked for hours and hours and he said he was afraid to lose me and needed me in his life.  I know he loves me.  I know he loves me but I am just so tired.  I want him back, or at the very least some sign of him.  A kind message.  A visit.  Something.  What I really want is what he said, that he wants me in his life.  THAT is what I want.  Now.

I am not happy right now.  I love him but I am still terribly sad and I am not going to try and fake it on the inside.  I am sad.  I want to talk to James and see him again.  Like normal people do.  Like we did at first.  Real, honest, truthful.  Real.

I want to laugh with him and see his smiling face.  I want to speak with the kind man I know he is.  Maybe I don't know what surrender means or I cannot achieve it because I will tell you- I do not accept all of this.  I am not at peace.  All that really matters to me is this man.  I love him.  I wish every single day we could go back to how we were, just loving and kind to each other.  He told me he loves me and always has and wants me in his life, and that's all I want!  For us to be together, and I know he loves me. I need something to change, soon.  I need affirmation, hope.  I need to talk to my friend again.  I miss him with all of my heart.  I miss him more than I can express in writing.  You'd have to climb inside of me and feel my overwhelming emotions in order to understand.

I want a happy life.  I want love in my life.  I want James so much. I remember kissing him and sitting with him and talking, laughing, kissing and how sweet it was.  I also remember when he was last here how he pulled me to him and held me, and then he kissed me.  I did not know what to expect.  I was very nervous.  But he sat on "his side" of my couch and pulled me to him and held me against his chest and then kissed me and... I know it was love.  I know he wanted to see me and was glad to be able to and he needed to be close to me, too.  I KNOW it.  I just wish I knew how to get him back.  I wish I knew.  Because he is all I want, to have him back.  To have him in my life again.  He showed me so much love, and we've been back and forth over and over again in this- and I need to hear from him.

So I'll keep focusing as well as I can.  I have to keep pushing certain thoughts away, and I have to be careful with what I say.  I think I'll just not say anything out loud.  I tend to want to be home.  I don't really like going out, not even to karaoke right now.  I'd much rather be in the comfort of my home, with my child, in my jammies.  That is where I normally feel most "right."  Maybe a movie or a trip to the arcade or coffee shop, and I do a lot with my son but just me alone?  I hate going places fucking alone.  I'd rather stay home.  I visit family or my close friends but I don't like going out karaoke because I'd rather be home if I can't go out as a happy couple.  I SO MISS GOING OUT ON DATES but I want to go out with James- I had such fun with him!   I am lonely without him.  I don't really feel like doing much right now if it does not consist of being with my child.  Honestly only with my son am I truly "happy" right now.  He brings me so much joy, and I like to be with him.  Otherwise- I am sad.  Maybe that is weak but I am sad.  Not much does it for me.  I don't even have energy, creative energy, to bead- and I want to but it is not there.  I've been reading more fiction because it keeps my mind busy, passes the time, calms me and I don't have to fight for the "passion" energy to actually create anything.  I'm so ready to be blissfully happy and in love.  Like I was when I met James and we fell in love together.  That wonderful feeling of being in love.  I miss that love with James.  I love him and I really wish we were back together like we once were.

I want to hear him call me honey again.

I am trying my best.  Sorry this is not more positive or upbeat.  Instead it is honest.  I really miss James and wish I could hear from him again.

On that note, I hope you all are having a good holiday season.  Be well.

Jennifer