I wish that I could see my Love over the holidays this year. I wish that so very much. I wish I could share Thanksgiving with him. I wish we could exchange "Merry Christmas." I wish he was coming with me to my family parties. He does not like turkey though... I'd make him something different. He said our parents must have had hot turkey sex since he counted backwards and thought we could have been conceived on Thanksgiving. He is silly and funny like that, and I dearly love and miss his goofball nature.
I wish we were talking right now. I wish I could share with him honestly and freely and have a good real friendly caring fun conversation with him like we used to. I miss our conversation. We used to talk for hours. Literally. He always said he hated hanging up or saying goodbye and he'd ask me to stay on just a little longer. Or else he'd call on a Sunday morning after church just to say hello. He knew when I'd be done and he liked to pop in to say hi. It was always very thoughtful, and when I look back I realize I never really called him. I did not have to. He always called me. He was always there. We were always in contact.
I wish I could make James dinner. We had dinner once at my house but I forgot and fed him turkey sausage and he doesn't like turkey. It doesn't really taste like turkey though and I make decent spaghetti so hopefully it was okay. He was, as always, about as dear as he could be. As we were getting ready to eat he paused {and my God is he adorable} and gently said to me, "You can go ahead and thank God for the food if you'd like to. I hope you don't mind but I will just thank you." And he sat there for a moment while I prayed, very respectfully with his hands in his lap just as sweet as could be.
That is James. That is the James I know is real and truth, and it is just about killing me because I am totally aching to know that man again, and I wish I could have him back right this very moment. Being without him is so hard. I want that man in my life. Him. I want him back in my life. He was not just some "nice guy." He is THE ONE for me. The best. He is perfect love to me. If I ever have known God then I knew God when I was with James. That has to be how it feels to be "close to God" when I was close to him because it felt like heaven. It felt like my own private version of heaven, and of course I want that back. I miss him. I miss him so very much. I don't even know what to do with myself because I feel so much restlessness no matter what I do or try to do. I mean I live my life- I have a life to live. I have stuff I have to do and some things I like to do but underneath it all is this total ache and desire to have back what I had with him. I want him back. I've said this before- I don't really want or need anything from him besides his presence and his love and affection. I miss him. Yes- I miss how I felt when I was with him. Life felt complete and blissful and wonderful with James and I can't get over that. It is always on my mind. Always.
And I know there are others of you out there who feel like I do, even years later. You've written to me and you understand, and I understand you. I am not "strong" enough to try and push the emotions or the longing away. I will admit I've come close to running off before but... I was pulled back and it tells me I am meant to focus on what I want and I want HIM. And because I want James I try to focus on what I want. He means so much to me. I would be so happy to have him back in my life again. He talked with me about being my son's step-dad. He looked at my son and said so kindly, genuinely, "I don't know how to be a daddy but I could learn." He said he could teach my son science and help him with sports. Dream come true. I'd love nothing more than for James to bless my child's life. I wish he was part of our family. And I know he's wanted this too. He showed me. I wish I could have understood better. I believe he still wants to be with us, and it is all I want- James to be back with us, for us to share the dreams and the life we discussed. He was the one who first told me that maybe we'd one day sleep next to each other every night. He was the one who said he'd fallen in love with me quickly. He told me that he finally met the woman he'd want to have a child with, that he wanted me to be the mother of his child.
I so desperately want those dreams with him. I've never let them go. All along, no matter what I have battled with, I have always loved him and wished he could be back in my life. And I still do. You might think I am "consumed" and yeah, I'd have to say that I am. But Hell- I did not "ask" for this so I can't be blamed for how I feel! I can't help it. I love him and I can't help that I do. He was too good to me for me to forget or let go, not when I am the ever hopeful one. If there is one thing I can say for me it is I have copious amounts of hope and although disappointment does hurt I've never let it totally stop me. I just don't like it. I wish he could come closer to me and STAY there. I wish I knew what to do to let that happen. For him to reach out and stay. I so badly want to be an active part of his life.
I wish we could date again. Go out and have fun and hold hands and laugh together. He always held my hand whenever we were out together. He was sweet. Sweeter than most men are. He was not afraid to show his affection, and he actually enjoyed being affection and receiving affection. He liked being kissy and close and intimate with me. I miss those times. I miss his warm peaceful deep love, a love unlike anything I could ever imagine. My dream come true.
No- I have no idea what to do with how I feel. If I feel like crying then I do. If I feel like "begging" God for help- then I do. I wish he could come back. I wish he could reach out to me- and I know he would like to talk with me again. I just know it. But still I wish I knew with 100% certainty what to do to shift my energy or do whatever is needed to allow him back to me. I feel he's wanted to come back before. He told me that he loves me and wants me in his life and to "accept that." And I do accept it but my very human side aches to talk with him and know him again. I long to hold him and look into his gorgeous blue eyes- he is so damn attractive. When I think of his face or kissing him my heart feels like it will explode. I think he is so beautiful. And I wish I could see his sweet face again. And hear his gentle voice. It makes me cry- I can't really help it. There is nothing I can do about how I feel, how much I love him and miss him. I am always reminded of the Elton John song that says "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blue." Time on my hands should be time spent with you. I think it is okay to feel blue when you miss someone so much. I've come to the conclusion that it is okay for me to feel this way even if it sometimes makes me sad or I cry. I feel very antsy. I want him back so much. I miss the sweet man I met and fell in love with. I've never loved like that before or shared love like we did. I'm not over it. I still want him with me.
I wish we could sit on my couch and kiss for hours. I wish I could feel him reach out like he does to touch my face and smile while he leans in for that first small kiss... that leads to much longer kisses. Hours of kisses. The most wonderful kisses ever. There is a big difference between James and anyone else I knew- with him the kisses were not "foreplay." The kisses did not quickly lead to sex. The kisses were long and slow and sweet and kind and gentle. They were love, a way for us to be close to one another for a while without taking things physically any further. I did not have to get naked with James for him to sit and kiss me for hours and tell me how much he loved me. He did that just by knowing me, fully clothed. I love that about him. He was a gentleman with me. A total loving peaceful sweet patient gentleman. The kindest man I ever met. I can barely tolerate being away from him. I miss him.
*sigh*
I don't care who I sound. Hopelessly in love, and that would be about right. I can't stop loving him. He is always here meaning I feel his memory strongly. He told me he loves me. I know he wants me in his life. I wish I could know him again like I did when we met. That was such a fun wonderful time, getting to know James. Falling in love with him, sharing time with him, kissing him and being held by him and holding hands and talking endlessly and making love. It was real genuine pure healthy love. Real love. Perfect love.
I wish we could laugh together again. He has a silly laugh. I love his laugh. I miss that laugh so much.
I miss my Love.
Take care,
Jen
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