Emotions

The reason why my emotions run high is because my heart can't delete the memories I have of James.  But I also get confused, sad and at times I feel a real lack of hope.  And I write it here because I really don't want to talk much about it "in real life."  There is so much going on in our world right now.  Enough to talk about already.  Right now I don't even know what to think about what is happening with all the changes happening in our country.  Sometimes I feel selfish or guilty for holding on to this thing with James so strongly, like maybe my energy could be used somewhere else.  But where?  I'm already the best mom I can be.  I feel like the only thing I can do is change where I stand, and that begins at home.  And I try to do this by being a decent loving mother.

I have to be honest.  There are times I wonder- what if? What happens if I give it my all, do my absolute best, believe, try, etc. and I still don't get resolution? I don't know really.  I'm not there. Right now what feels best is to keep trying.  Keep believing that it can happen. It feels best to just keep loving him and holding on. I obviously know something "not normal" has happened between us, something I did not expect.  I want to be fully honest though. I am strong but I am only so strong.  I am giving this my best.  I want to do the "right" thing.  I always love James, and I always will love James.  It is unconditional love.  If I do not get what I want, if somehow I don't get there (I will always believe this is up to me) I will still adore James and wish him the best, forever.  I believe we have this unique strong soul connection, and I've always said it is forever.  I believe it will be forever, the connection between us.  And I know we love each other.  I also know that I am doing my best.  If a day comes where I don't feel like I can do this anymore then I will be honest about it.  Don't think I have not wondered "How long can I do this?"  I have wondered but I also know where I've had hiccups in my energy, where I have not focused, where I've been a runner.

I guess the best way for me to put it is like this: I will have to really fully feel like I've given it my 110% all.  I have to be at that place where I know I've left no stone unturned.  I am a fighter.  I go after what I love and believe in.  I do not throw in the towel easily, especially when it comes to someone I care about.  And no matter what I will ALWAYS always love and care about James.  Until I see him again on the other side when this lifetime is over, until that time I will hold him close to my heart and love the fuck out him no matter if he is with me or not.  He is precious to me!! That is how I feel.  I have never loved anyone more, and that is MY choice.  No one can ever take that from me, my love for him.  He deserves it because he was amazing to me, amazing.  I will always love him for being the angel he is.  

This is where I am right now.  I have worked so hard to shift my thinking since last year. I try to be careful with what I speak and write. My thoughts are a little harder to control and I am far from perfect but there are certain things I've learned, and #1 is James is a good person and he deserves to be described as such.  This experience has been strange to say the least but I can tell you this with 100% certainty: the time we spent together was very real and very pure.  It was SO wonderful, so great and honest and genuine that I find it "defend-able."  I look back and know that if James was anyone else I've ever met I most likely would not have kept on going for 3+ years, holding onto hope and clinging {sometimes for dear life} to belief.  It is only because he was so very good to me, perfect, that I hold on and I believe in something so fully, something that is so barely believable!

I do wonder how he feels right now, what he is doing, how life is for him.  I wish I knew. I wish I could have a normal real talk with him.  Completely real and honest.  Transparent.  I am much stronger than I was three years ago, or even a year ago.  I want to be careful what I say here (don't want to bring the wrong energy to me) but please understand when I say "I want truth" I do not mean, "I only want to hear what I want to hear."  No.  I want to hear from James to where he sounds like the loving kind compassionate soul I met.  I've said this before and I will say it again, when I hear from him and he sounds like that person then I will believe what is told to me.  I remember what he feels like.  I would recognize that sweet genuine energy.  Friendly, caring.  I wish I could talk with him.  i wish that every day.

The last actual interactions I had with James were... fine.  The last time I heard from him was actually pretty shocking to me.  He had contacted me and given me his phone number and told me to text him. We did not end up communicating like I'd hoped but that happens.  A week or so later, though, I was having a really bad bad moment.  I grabbed my phone and text him.  I was in emotional pain.  I text him and told him I missed him and needed to talk to him.  I've said similar things to him in the past.  I had not received a phone call from him in like two years but right then while I was still holding my phone from texting him he called me.  I almost passed out.  I am surprised I did not accidentally hang up on him.  I answered the phone and he said something to me that I won't forget because I swear I felt like he was doing the best he could to let me know he was still there, to give me some hope and ask me to hold on.  It was short and sweet and I was shocked.  I'd heard his voice for the second time in almost two years, the time before being when he was here last spring and we saw each other.

Have I ever mentioned that I love his voice?  He has a cute voice.  It matches him and his personality.  I miss his voice.  I miss him.  But that phone call was the last time I've heard from him.  It was hopeful.  I felt he was asking me to please hold on.  I feel like he did the best he could because he knew how badly I was hurting, and I was in a bad place.  Missing him is so not easy.  Right now I miss him so fucking much but I am constantly telling myself to stay in a place of love and not let that emotion make me angry or frustrated.  I would rather feel strong love for James, even if it makes me ache, than feel anger over the situation.

I wish the silence would end though.  I wish I could talk with my friend again, like we used to.  I ask myself- how was I able to see him again?  I know that was not just a coincidence.  Something shifted, even for a moment.  It was wonderful to see James again.  It had been 2 1/2 years.  Too long.  I had longed and prayed and even begged God to see James again and then all of a sudden he was walking in the door and standing in front of me.  And he hugged me.  He HUGGED me.  And that hug felt right.  Seeing his beautiful smile felt right.  Sitting down next to him and talking felt right. I wish I knew.  I wish I knew what to do to change this so I could know my loving friend again because I miss him so much that I don't understand how one heart can take so much loving ache.  He means so much to me.  I think back to seeing him again and it does break my heart because seeing him once, getting a huge dose of him and then not seeing him again has not been easy, okay?  I want to see him again.  I want to BE with him.  And I just know he wants to be with me too.  I don't understand why it works like this but I am trying to accept it and work with it because I'd do ANYTHING to be with James.  Anything.  He is beautiful to me in every way.  And I miss knowing him like I did.

Good Lord, seriously.  I can't stop thinking about being with him again.  It was so amazing to see his face and hug him.  To hear his voice.  He walked in and smiled at me and I was like, "Oh there you are."  *sigh*  I was nervous, of course.  But he was there, with me. And that felt right.  It felt more right than right. He sat next to me and we talked.  I wanted to touch him.  I did not know if I should but I wanted to.  When he mentioned me drinking the beer and said that he never drinks "shots" because hard liquor is horrible for you I know the look he gave me was very knowing, like telling me, "Don't drink like I know you do.  It is bad for you."  I wish he was back.  I just want to be with my friend and know him again.  I know he cares for me.

In the past I've always told him that I know he loves me.  No matter what appearances showed I've known.  No matter how terrified I've been- I've still known.  And I know now that he loves me.  So when he wrote to me and told me (clear out of the blue) "You are right!  I do love you!" I was like, see- I knew it!  And while it is still not what I dream of I keep holding on to his words.  He told me he loves me, always has loved me, and he wants me in his life.

"Accept that."  <--- that has been my issue, I think.  Accepting it fully.  It is hard to accept when there is silence.  Okay?  I have to look past the quiet and know he loves me.  It is not easy only because I CRAVE connection with him.  When you love someone on every single level you then also want to BE with that person and have him in your life.  I could care less what has happened.  I love the good wonderful stuff, hold on to it and cherish it.  Anything else I am fine to "let go."  But I want more good stuff.  I want James IN my life.  I want to feel him touch my hand again.  I want to sit next to him on my couch and have him pull me to him so he can hold me in his arms.  It felt wonderful being back in his arms again.  Like a miracle.  I ache for that moment.  I yearn to be wrapped in his arms, quietly being held.  He kissed me.  I could not believe I was kissing the love of my life again after so long.  I'd prayed and prayed for that moment.  I LOVE KISSING JAMES.  I wish I could kiss him forever and a day because forever is not long enough!  Kissing James feels like Heaven.  So to kiss him again really blew me away.  I felt his love for me.  I believe our twin souls are limited in what they can say to us based on what we feel and believe, the energy we have cultivated prior.  I don't feel that James was "free" to be completely open with me.  I think he would have said more.  That was the feeling I got, like he had loads of "feeling" inside of him that he could only show me by kissing me and holding me.  And making love to me.  That was good love.  Pure true love.  He felt exactly like he did when he first made love to me, and our love is real genuine lovemaking, in the truest sense of the word.  Making love.  He made love to me.  It was fabulous.  He's very giving and sweet.  He was gentle with me, and he kept asking me to relax in a soft voice, like he knew I was nervous and shocked.  But I enjoyed being close with him.  He tried to keep me calm and make me feel good although just being with him, touching him and kissing him and holding onto him and feeling him again was enough for me.  LOVING HIM.  Us loving each other again.  My hands had ached to touch him again for so long.  Before this the last time I'd seen his face he was kissing me and hugging me and telling me, "It's not goodbye.  It's 'till next time" while asking me if I was going to look him in the eyes when we exchanged our vows.  That was 10-2013.  I'd ached to see his darling face again for a long time.  You can't imagine what that felt like for me, magic. 

It is surreal, and it breaks my heart.  I miss him terribly.  These are all of the emotions I carry with me day in and day out.  I ache for him.  I love him so much.  He really was lovely to me, a sweetheart.  I  want to know him like that again.

I know James was happy to see me when we were together last year.  I know he was relieved.  I know he'd been waiting to see me too, hoping and wishing to be intimate with me.  He'd told me that before.  He told me a year earlier, "I HOPE and WISH to be intimate with you soon."  I know that somehow I keep him away from me, and that kills me.  I want to change that.  I want to be with him.  I want him to be able to be with me.  I know he wants to be with me!

So around the holidays I said something to my roommate about James and my son piped up.  He had been playing quietly and he kind of stumbled over his words as he said them, like he was trying to say one thing but could not quite get it out.  He said something like, "Remember when you saw him mom?" but he repeated himself and said, "Remember when you talked with him" but it was more of a statement than a question.  Like he was telling me something, not asking.  I felt like I was being reminded, "Remember when you saw him.  Remember what it felt like to talk to him and be with him."  Instead of anything less.

Please understand me if you can.  THIS is why my heart aches so much!  Many separated twin souls work hard on forgetting or letting go.  I do not.  I feel I am meant to love him strongly and remember him, the joyful friendly loving man who was so kind to me.  I am meant to remember him touching me again, holding me close, kissing me.  OMG you have no idea.  Kissing him again after so long was a fucking miracle, a dream.  It is so bittersweet to recall.  So bittersweet.  I ache for him with every cell in my body.  There is no one I want more.  I can't imagine ever wanting or loving any man more than this.  No one is more perfect for me than James.  This is why I continue.  I know that if I decided to "let go" and be with someone else that the man would not be "the one" meant for me.  I'd be leaving perfection behind.  I want my perfect love!  I want my "one and only true love."  I want my life to be shared with James, my love.  My sweetheart.  No one has ever treated me better.  He was wonderful to me in every way.  Respectful, kind.  Considerate.  And patient.  That is what makes him stand out above anyone else I've ever met.  He was so patient with me.  Kissing me for days on end without asking for one ounce more.  He was happy and content just to be close to me.  THAT means to world to me.  I won't ever forget that about him because HE is genuine and rare and hard to find.  Pure real genuine love.

And I miss him.  With everything inside of me.  As I was told before from those who know me best, I am heartsick.

I am heartsick without you.  I love you so very much.

Jennifer

Energy

I am not super-human.  Really.  I am just little ole' me.  I can't overcome this sadness I feel.  Today is an emotional day for me.  Normally I'd stop and get a bottle of vodka when I feel like this (especially since my son is with his dad this evening) but tonight I am not going to do that.  I've already told myself, not going to happen.  I've already sobbed. I ache and am so emotional but I'm not adding hard liquor to the mix.

My nephew spent the night and the boys were playing Sunday morning before we had to take my nephew home.  I think I was working in my art room.  My son walked in the room and announced, "It is 11:11."  He was checking the time but it was so odd that he told me the time right at 11:11.  He has never let me know the time before let alone at 11:11. I don't know what to think when those things happen because it does not feel like a coincidence.  I wish I knew what it meant.  I want God, HS & the universe to know that I only want signs if it is to show that I am meant to continue in this with James, if there is still a chance for us. To give me hope, and damn it all- REAL hope.  Because at this point I am so willing to have resolution on this I would take any truth as long as it is really 100% honest truth. I want truth.  I want resolution.  I do not do well in limbo, and that is where I feel I am right now.  Limbo.  I do my private writing, my journaling.  I used to write a lot more here on this blog but there are a few reasons why I stopped.  A big one is that I cannot be unauthentic to myself.  I ache.  I really do.  I feel like my heart is being run over by a semi truck over and over again. I ache every day. But when I come on my blog and share how I feel it seems to upset people, and I don't mean to upset people. I don't want to come off as a whiny bag of self-pity. I'm a very strong loving woman. But inside I have heartache.

A while back I kept dreaming that my mouth was full of shitty crap that I could not spit out. It would have hair in it and I would pull and pull but it would not come up. I researched the dream and normally it means that the dreamer is not expressing herself. Something that needs to be said is blocked or being held back. Well I don't feel on a human level I am able to talk to James and that is frustrating for me. I don't know if I'm stubborn or what but I've never been able to handle the "silence" because we had such open and easy conversation in the past. Add in the fact that I don't blog much anymore when I used to very often and I wonder if something inside of me feels blocked. Sometimes writing in my journal is not enough. I watched a YouTube video yesterday and two of her three cards were "truth" and "throat chakra." The last one was "union." The cards were poignant to me because I don't feel I'm speaking my truth (even if I journal it) because the person I want to discuss "truth" with is James. I understand writing in my journal definitely shifts energy. I do my energy work. I guess as a human though I still crave real human contact. I don't think I'll ever be at a place where I won't want to talk with James.  I won't even be okay with this because people talk.  They discuss situations. 

It might seem odd but even if I don't hear back from him sometimes sending him my thoughts helps me feel "unstuck." When I'm honest and open and brave enough to share with him that feels better than saying nothing at all. The lack of communication with my loving friend has been one of the most painful aspects of this situation. And then when I don't blog either I feel stifled. Like I'm not sharing what's inside of me.

The hard part is the dream can also mean the dreamer is speaking shit. And I don't want to send James "shit" nor do I want to come on my blog and post crap and I want to make sure I don't talk shit to anyone else. I don't want to bring people down. I also know myself well. I share my thoughts and feelings because it helps me to get it out. I've shared my experience because I felt I needed to and I know there are others who feel the way I do. But I don't really want advice on letting go or forcing myself to be happy or moving on with someone else or finding God. I wrote a blog post a while back and a reader emailed me, lecturing. She told me until I find "God" I won't be happy. She told me once she found God she no longer felt any pain or longing for her twin soul. But then she also told me she met this really great soulmate who she was dating and he was great... and listen I do not judge anyone for wanting love in her life or falling in love with someone else but don't try and tell me you no longer miss your twin soul because you got closer to God. No, you miss your twin less and actually feel happiness because you have chosen to share love with someone else nice and guess what? Love feels good. Even with someone besides a twin soul love feels good. That is fair. We all have choices we can make. I could also choose to be with someone else. I've thought about it. I know it would hurt less because I'd be focusing elsewhere, on love and relationship. If I chose to date a man who I honestly enjoyed, was attracted to and who treated me really well- of course it would be easier to feel more joy and less pain. Love feels good. Sharing time with a man and dating and having someone to talk to and be with and love feels so much nicer than being alone and missing someone every day. I'm being honest. Just because we (me, people who read my blog) are twin souls does not mean we are incapable of feeling love or affection for anyone else besides a twin soul. 

So I understand when someone tells me she has chosen to be with someone new. I totally respect people making personal choices.  What I don't appreciate is an email telling me once I know God I won't "need" James or miss him. I know God just fine. And I also know if I made the same choice to be with a new love it would take the edge off my ache and I'd be able to think less often about James and then it would be easier to not hurt so much. It would ache less. I know this.

But that is not the choice that I myself have made!! So I don't appreciate it when I share my heart and my deepest most honest feelings here on my blog and then a reader writes to me and basically tells me how I feel is wrong. If I was hating on everything or terribly angry or bashing James THEN I could understand getting an email bringing to my attention that maybe I need to shift my energy up. I have had someone very kind do that for me before and yes I appreciate it greatly. Someone who reads this rambling blog wrote to me and told me I sounded angry and it wasn't the best energy. She was right. Anger is an energy I would like to overcome and anger is an energy I CAN overcome.  Sadness and anger are not the same energy though; they don't even come from the same place.

The sadness I feel from loving James so much and longing for him and remembering how perfect we were together and knowing full well nothing really happened between us to change things, having no resolution, unfinished LOVE, is not something I can overcome. Anger I can eventually overcome. Missing James I cannot get over just by forcing myself to, and missing someone you love so much really hurts.

I've been working hard to watch what I say. Meaning I am hyper-aware of not creating more crap for myself. But I'm sad. Like every day I'm sad. I was at Disney World and inside me was a swirling mixture of gratitude for being able to gift me and my son with yet another trip to Florida, happiness for being at Disney World where it was awesome and the most gorgeous weather ever, and sadness and irritation over aching for James. All mixed together.

That ache and sadness is always here unless I'm sleeping. I've never been more thankful for a good solid long night of sleep than these last couple years. Sleep offers my heart a reprieve from the longing and ache. Oh I know how I must sound, melodramatic. But I don't care. I hurt so much inside being totally separated from James like this that there are still days where... I have a seriously difficult time coping. Sobbing. Sad. Smiling on the outside but on the inside losing my fucking mind and doubled over in pain.

Believe me when I say I hide how I feel. People normally view me as "chipper" and friendly. I'm kind and personable. Only those closest to me, who I trust, know how I feel.

I do my best.

How long will I feel this ache? I think until I have resolution with James. Notice I said "resolution." Silence is not resolution. Telling me to text him and sending me his phone number but never actually talking is not resolution. Radio silence is not resolution-  it is not even REAL. I feel like I live with one foot in the "real world" and the other in a life most could never understand and that alone makes me fucking nuts because all I want is a nice happy life!! I remember James vividly. Nothing actually changed, was never discussed or explained. He loved talking to me. We talked until the wee hours of the morning. Even after "all this" happened we would still end up on the phone because he would reach out to me sounding just like his REAL friendly loving kind excited self and we would talk as if nothing changed. He even made me ask him a question one night. I was fucking terrified but he said "Ask me. Ask me anything." So I asked about us. I felt like I was going to lose my mind. He very firmly slowly and gently said, "Nothing changed. I feel exactly the same."

I know more time has passed but I still believe he feels the same now as he did then. He loves me. He told me so a while back. I have always known James does love me. I know he loves me; he has loved me since he met me just the same as I've loved him. He told me last year that I'm right. He loves me, always has loved me and he wants me in his life. But he also said "Accept that." And that is where the frustration comes in. I DO accept it. I know he loves me. He wants to be with me. He is the same endearing loveable man I met and he wants a future with me. But that means I'm also aching inside to physically be with him sharing love and life together. Now. It kills me being away from him because it feels like we should be together.

In my situation I feel that if I want to be with James then I can't be with anyone else. It is an energy and focus thing, at least that is how it feels to me. Like whatever I focus on is what I'm going to eventually bring closer and what I take my focus away from will go farther away. Maybe I'm wrong but something along those lines has been shown and proven to me so I am watchful. It is why I'm not dating anyone else. I love James. He is the man I really really want in my life.

James makes my heart sing. I miss that. I saw him after 2 1/2 years and when I finally saw his beautiful face I thought I might pass out. Just a touch of his hand was electric. A glance, our eyes meeting, made me lose my mind. His beautiful blue shining eyes. That smile. He is so precious to me. When he pulled me to his chest and held me... I want to cry. I am crying. I miss him so fucking much. I don't want someone else. I want James. I love James.
Nothing compares. Do you understand? No one compares. But being without him feels like it is slowly killing me inside. I cannot find anything beautiful about separation beyond my huge shining love for him. Maybe it has offered me some type of healing or growth but still none of it feels beautiful. The only moments when this separation has felt good were the few blissful moments where I talked with James or when I've heard from him and recognize the sweet adorable loving man I know he is. Knowing him is Heaven.

Being without him is Hell.

I KNOW none of this is "normal." But it is killing me inside. I cry all the time. I've gained weight. I have not dated in over 3 years so I don't feel I have anyone to impress but myself and I'm okay with me. I'm kinda bored sometimes since I spend a lot of time alone. Thank God I have my little boy who promises me he will be my best friend forever. I've been forcing myself to be "creative." I'm good at art. I see something I want to make and I make it. But FUCK ME it does nothing to inspire me or change how I feel!!!

I want something to change how I feel!!! I hug my son and fight tears. I slap a big shit-eating grin on my face and say hello and have a great day and wow that color looks great on you when inside I want to puke because I miss the man I love and have missed him for almost 40 months.

Yes I feel I know how I got here. But recently I've been feeling lost. I believe everything (pretty much) I have written on my blog. A few times I believed wrong things about James and wrote them here and those things were wrong. But everything I've written about manifestation and mirroring I believe 110%. But I have battled so much fear.

I have deep regrets. I wish I could have followed my guidance long ago. I wish the times when I managed to shift things and he was able to reach out to me, I wish I could have brought him closer. I wish I would have accepted his HUGE beautiful gigantic blissful Heavenly love when I had him in my life. Had I done so we would be married. We would be married and James would be my family, my son's sweet kind step-dad. And maybe we would have a child of our own.

My regret makes me feel like dying. I am responsible for not having those wonderful things in my life, my dream come true. James is everything I have ever asked for. To be apart from him, to where we don't talk at all, is... torturous. The ache and hurt from missing him and longing for him hurts more than anyone can know. He was meant to be mine. He called me his FUTURE. Do you understand? We reconnected at one point and he said, "I love you. I miss you. I want you to be my future."

Do you have any idea how I feel? I've kept at this through so much because... I remember. I remember him telling me he loves me more. He loves me to infinity times 1000000. He told me I'm genuine and that is rare and hard to find and it was why he loved me. Because I'm genuine. I remember him taking my child and me out to have fun together, and James planned it all himself. There is NO FUCKING WAY I will ever ever forget that. I know the man I met and dated. I know him. He was good to me. Kind. Loving. Entirely patient and so gentle. Like sweet galore. Affectionate!! Loved being affectionate and loved it when I was affectionate. Totally warm and loving. Kind complimentary words. Always calling me honey or beautiful or something sweet. Lifting me up, being encouraging, telling me I'm a good mom. Perfect love. Sweet kind man. James loved coming to visit me. He couldn't go but a couple days without being with me and he always contacted me. I guess that is one of the "truths" that makes me so nuts. He loved talking with me. He told me he liked hearing what I had to say. He said he listened to me. He said he loved talking with me and hearing from me. He was super responsive. He actually went out of his way to be reassuring because he said he knew it can be worrisome to not hear back from someone. I remember that. He said it can give a person a complex. He was careful with me. Kind and considerate of my feelings.

I know that is James. But I also know this situation is not making me feel good right now. I'm so sick inside. I need to hear from my Love. I need some kind of resolution. Truth. I need truth.

He told me to accept his love. That he wants me in his life and to accept that. So I'm here. I accept it. I know he loves me. But that does nothing to stop the hurt I feel from longing for him. I want him in my arms kissing me for hours. I want to make love with him. I want to hold hands and talk and laugh. I want to hear from the sweet man I remember.

No I don't like the silence. I never have. Two people who love and care for each other should talk. This is unnatural and not normal. It was normal and natural when we used to talk freely. When we could not wait to get each other's messages. When he would ask me for a photo and his reaction was exuberant and sweet. I just don't believe this. It is not truth. Truth is us not being able to keep our hands off each other. Talking and laughing freely and often.

I don't really know what to do with myself. I don't feel great. I feel kinda blah.  I miss James so much. I wish someone would reach out to me and tell me it is normal to feel this way, that being apart from the person you love does hurt and maybe will for as long as... it takes. That I don't need to push myself to be joyful or get past the ache or longing.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I do know I can't be quiet all the time. I might seem weird writing the same things over and over but oh well. If someone doesn't like it then please don't read my blog. At the very least I can express myself here and know I'm being honest. I wish I could hear from my Love. I so dearly wish we could go back to when things were real and loving between us. I miss him, my angel, with all my heart. I feel like he would be with me if he could. I just wish he could now. My heart is aching for him, always. Add in the heartache I feel over the shit happening in our country that is affecting people world-wide... I really really wish I could speak with the man I love most in the world.

xxoo Jen

Today

I don't have much of an update. My nephew spent the night last night and I need to get him home soon. He's a good kid and loves coming over.

I appear fine on the outside but inside I feel like I'm dying. I pray something changes soon because I hurt. And I refuse to feel badly for hurting. I can't stop it. I have even been forcing myself to be creative. I made this which is a steampunk style pendant. All the detail is hand done by me.

But doing my art does nothing to relieve the ache in my heart. Not at all. Nothing does!! Ugh! I don't know.

I have one "twin soul" friend and she was pretty nasty to me recently. She thinks I have to "buck up" and feel better because "other people have it worse." I don't mean to be a baby but I have let this woman be mean to me before and I won't tolerate it again. I told her she was being mean and asked her to stop. She said, "Yeah because you need it."

You know what? That is wrong. I don't need anyone being cruel to me. I really don't. I have always been there for her and I am never mean to her. So there goes that friend because I won't set myself up for her to do it again.

I don't know what to say. This is surreal. I remember James! I know who he is. He is a good kind caring man. My "now" makes me crazy because it's not right. He is my friend. He is a strong compassionate person. We should be communicating. And I miss him so much that it hurts. I wish this could change for the better.

My other friend Bev is like my very best buddy and angel friend. I love her dearly. She told me to just keep going, keep believing and keep my focus where it needs to be so I'm doing the best I can... but the ache is deep. Over three years and my in love him and long for him as much I did back then. I wish things could be back like they were when it was only bliss. Truth
 Real. Loving. Kind. Gentle.

Perfect.

I miss talking with my friend. I'm doing the best I can. A person cannot force joy in the face of heartache. Not possible so I'm not going to even try.

I miss him so much. I'd give anything, do anything, to see him again. I love him so much. Honestly right now I'm doing the best I can to get through each day. I wish it was different. I wish I felt better. But I'm doing the best I can.

Jennifer

2017

2017 is here. A new year. I did not make a resolution. I'm already on a continuous journey to be more self-aware.  That alone is an on-going resolution!

I'm doing okay. How I explain it is sometimes I'm happy. Often I'm sad.  But there are many instances when I'm both at the same time. I feel both emotions happy and sad. And I try to be loving inside no matter what I feel.

I've felt distracted from things "twin soul" these last few weeks and although I know many many people in the TS community advocate for "letting go" and moving on or shifting focus I don't think it is what's best for me. I was told a good while ago that this should be my focus. And it hasn't. I feel like I have been distracting.

I marched in Chicago on Saturday. I was proud to do so but I have to be really careful to not get swept up in the chaotic energies that are running rampant right now. I did not vote for Trump. There are things happening right now that worry me. One of the many is my own son was just issued a diagnosis that I'm hoping will protect him with a 504 plan at school. The last thing I want to see happen is someone be appointed to head our Department of Education who does not have the welfare of the public school children as her priority. And I still can't believe we elected a man who has no respect for women to head out country. It saddens me. Those are just two reasons why I attended the march.

But there is a fine line between advocating for the support of human rights and the environment and education and getting sucked into hate and negativity. There is so much hatred all over. It is so easy to start focusing on what it bad or what we don't like instead of highlighting what is good.

I've been distracted. I still feel blue too which is something I can't seem to shake so I'm trying to just live with it best I can.  I love and adore the sweetest man and I ache to see him and talk with him again. My heart won't settle. Yet I'm trying to keep that to myself. It seems expressing my true feelings upsets some people so I'm trying to keep it to myself. All I can say is I miss the man I met and fell in love with and I wish he was in my life.

I'm trying right now to reorganize my priorities and focus. My mind has been all over the place and I can't concentrate on much let alone this experience. I was short-tempered with my son the other morning purely out of feeling anxious and torn. I cannot allow that to happen. My son is my angel and best buddy. If I'm upset or sad or blue or irritated or frustrated I have to ensure I don't pass it on to anyone. I may feel it but I have to learn to deal with it. I can't seem to change how I feel. Sad and happy both- they work together pretty often in my life. What can I do but accept that? I get frustrated because I know who James is. He was wonderful to me and I know what a good person he is so this is impossibly frustrating for me. This is not truth currently, not totally. Truth would be open and honest communication. I won't EVER settle for accepting what I know is not true. I remember him and his love. I just wish I could see some reflection of that truth now. That is what I wish.

I hope your 2017 had started out well. Take care.

Jennifer

2 AM

I'm up at 2 AM. My fault. I didn't stay fully sober last night. I have been working on this staying sober but last night I was stressed out. Tried to be "smart" and only got a tiny bit so I couldn't overdo it but even a little makes me fall asleep hard and then wake up a few hours later. I feel fine since it wasn't much but still I'm awake when I should be sleeping.

I gotta be strong there. I'm honestly trying. I'm glad I did not buy a bottle of hard liquor. Trying to look at the bright side, at least I was smart enough to not do that. I don't want to keep it in the house that way if I have a weak moment oh well. I'm not going to subject my kid to going out shopping so I can buy alcohol. So if it is not here in the house then I can't drink it.

Self-pity. I was having a pity party last night. I divorced my husband because he did not show me love or affection. We were not a good match. He did not seem happy being with me. He says it was not me but more of a lifestyle thing. I will admit I'm not one who loves to go out to the bar. When I'm happy and peaceful then I don't want to drink. I might have a glass of wine or a beer but that's all. I guess I mainly have the actual desire to drink when I'm hurting. And unfortunately that is often. But my point being when life is "normal" and I'm happy and my emotional needs are being met then I don't have that strong urge to want to drink.

When I was married I liked being home with my husband. I would go out too of course but I'm not the type who wants to sit at the bar every weekend or a couple times a week. And it would have been different had we talked with each other while we were there. But we didn't; he went off by his friends or watched TV and I either tried to talk to other people there or I sat by myself. In the end he says it wasn't that he didn't love me. He said he wasn't truly ready to "settle down" and not go out and stuff. Well had I been more the type to enjoy that lifestyle then we would have gotten along better. But I am more of a homebody. I like to be home making dinner and chilling out at home. Like I said, sometimes is fine!! I like being social too. But I know he has found someone more like him and that is good. She seems to like going out like he does far more than I ever did. I do wonder if she wants a child though. She is a little younger than me. I can't help but wonder if she wants a child because life does change after a baby comes along. Priorities have to shift. Not my business I know but I do wonder that because if she wants a baby he has to be prepared for the responsibility of being a father and husband BOTH. I mentioned a while ago that I'm sure she must be hoping for a ring. She seems to adore him, and I'm happy that he has someone who loves him and cares for him. I just hope he is happy too. He said he knows that she wants a ring. But he also knows she does not want him out so much (he told me this) so he has to decide if he wants to be a "married man" or live a life of a bachelor for the rest of his life. He can't have both. She seems to be a good fit for him so I hope he can settle down.

I clearly know, though, why it didn't work for us. And that is okay. He gave me our son so it was meant to be for that time.

Good thing I woke up. The little guy who lives with us is up vomiting and I heard him. Poor kid puked all over himself. Must be going around. My son had the same on Sunday. Luckily it seems to pass quickly.

Pity party. I guess we all have them. I wish I had the family I want. The one God knows I have always dreamed of. A happy healthy solid family with a husband and wife who love each other a lot. Emotionally healthy. Strong. Dedicated. I've always wanted that so being alone hurts. I did not have it with my son's dad. I hoped I'd find it in the future. I met James and he turned out to be everything I had ever dreamed of. Seriously. It was like a dream come true. He wanted marriage, liked being married and in a strong loving committed relationship. Liked my son and said he could learn how to be a dad-figure. He said he could see us all together as a family. He wanted us together every day. And he said he could see us having a child together. Perfection. Like hitting the lottery especially because I was completely in love with him too. I felt I'd been lucky enough to finally find the right man for me. He seemed to understand and accept that I'm quirky. He seemed to really like the person I am and that was refreshing.

Being without him is tearing me up inside. I battle daily the urge to drink in order to dull my emotions. Right now I'm trying to learn how to live with the ache because it is going nowhere fast. I don't know what to do about it. My heart aches for him. Yes I could probably go find someone else to make a family with. But I don't want someone else. I want James. Yes I'm stuck on him. I can't help that. I want the dreams we discussed. I wish I could talk with him again. This is not "normal" in any way. We should be able to talk together. I don't understand how I can reach out to any other person I know and get a response but with James it is different. I'm still trying to accept this connection and I'm not doing the best job. I want him to be my sweet boyfriend and friend again. There is not one other person from my past I could not say hello to and get a friendly REAL response. It should be no different with him because nothing happened between us to change the fact that we are friends who love and care for each other. I'm upset because I know we love and care about one another and people who care about each other communicate and talk and keep in touch. It makes me feel out of my mind. I know truth. I know he is a good man and we love each other. I feel like that should be reflected in life right now. He is strong and good. I'm doing my best. My heart aches deeply and has this entire time we have been apart.

I don't want people contacting me telling me I should not feel like I do. THIS IS HOW I FEEL. If you disagree with how I think or what I believe in then that is fine. I can handle a difference of opinion. But please don't write to me telling me that I need to let go of wanting James. Or that I'm not supposed to "be in love with him" like I have to somehow get past the fact that we have kissed and been naked together and made love and discussed marriage and a family together. I literally am unable to not want that or let it go. I can't. My God if I could do something that would release me from this longing and hoping and what others see as "attachment" but I see only as "I'm totally in love with him and want him back in my life" then I would have already.

On "Once Upon A Time" many seasons ago Snow White was offered some magic pills that would erase the memory of her long lost love. That way she would not feel the heartache any longer being without him. I don't think I could take the pills. I'd LOVE to wake in the morning and feel no ache!! No "missing him" or dying inside from longing for his beautiful presence in my life. Oh. My. God. It has been a long time since I've not felt all those strong emotions. To be able to erase the ache would be a blessing.

But not if it meant I would have to erase remembering James at all. Seeing his bright smiling adorable self walking towards me to hug me on our first date. Asking to hold my hand and walking through my neighborhood holding hands and talking, looking at the full moon. Blue moon. Birthday gift. Our kisses. Those innocent dear loving long sweet pure genuinely loving patient kisses. I could not bear to erase the memory of all our goodness together or my memories of spending time with James. Especially "My Favorite Day" when he arranged to spend the day with me and my son. I hold the memory of that day close to my heart. I could not take the magical pills even if it meant waking up with no longing or wanting.

I do wish I was strong enough to only feel love for him and nothing else. No missing or aching or wanting. I wish I could master all that, ascend past my human wants and desires but I don't see that happening in this lifetime and I really don't want to come back here again once I die. Once I die and have fulfilled this human experience the best I can, shit, I want eternal bliss. Love. Nothing else. I never said I wanted to be perfect or achieve some kind of spiritual perfection. That is not me. I want to be loving, be loved, be love- and be happy. I do want my dreams to return to me. I pray, wish and hope to hear from James soon or see him. I want to see his smiling face again. I love him so much.

I am gonna try to get back to sleep. I hope you all are having sweet dreams.

Jennifer

Now

Nearly ever morning I pass where I met James. Nearly every morning I look over and can imagine seeing him walking towards me with a big beautiful smile on his face. It is the same spot where he kissed me goodnight at the end of our first date. It is also the same bar where I met him last year to see him again. I had not been there since I'd met him and I won't go back unless it is to meet him again. My heart would not be able to take sitting there remembering being next to him, smiling and talking. Being blessed with his presence. A few times I have almost stopped in alone so I can close my eyes and imagine meeting him. Silly right? But it was so fucking great to see him walk through that door last spring. To finally see his sweet face again was like a dream come true. Granted I was nervous but still, no matter what, seeing his bright smile and blue eyes and hearing his sweet voice was more than I can explain. It felt awesome.  I wanted touch him. I don't mean like sexual. I mean I was sitting there wanting to touch him and not knowing if I should. A hand on his arm or touching his hand. When he laid his hand on top of mine for a moment it was like an electric shock for me. James has sexy strong hands. I love his hands... they feel amazing.

When we went to my house and sat to talk like we had before, well my mind was pretty blown. It was sweet how he moved because he wasn't on "his side." I enjoyed talking with him but I was nervous. He was fine. Kind. Friendly. I thought I might melt into a puddle of goo each time he made eye contact with me. I can't help it. He is so beautiful to me. Everything about him is beautiful to me. It was like a miracle to finally have him there with me. In my house on my couch like before. We made some small talk, if talking about the space shuttle is small talk.

He is adorable. Seriously.  I miss my scientist.

I'm pretty sure he asked me about my son. I wish I would have shown him a picture of PJ.

I wish he was with us, now.

But then, while sitting on my couch, he pulled me to his chest and held me. And I wish with all my might to go back to that very moment and revel in it fully because at that moment I was out of my mind. But it felt perfect. Right. Good. Us. REAL. Having him hold me in his arms pulled into him felt more right than right. That felt real, like how we should be. That is our truth and I know it. I wish I would have been still. I wasn't. I was nervous and sadly I still feel I was a bit on the defensive. If I ever get that same blessed opportunity again I will sit wrapped in his lovely arms silently while totally enjoying the nearness of him. For that moment I felt safe and comforted with him like the weeks we spent together. Truth.

Then he kissed me. *sigh* 30 months. I had dreamed about kissing him for 30 months. I miss his sweet tender sexy kisses!!! So to feel him turn my face to his and kiss me again was literally, again, a dream come true. I'd asked God to see James again about a million times since I had last seen him. And to kiss him. So feeling his warm embrace and his sweet kisses just like before was enough to nearly make me pass out. It did kinda feel like a dream. Another favorite memory.

Sometimes we have experiences where only we know the truth about what is happening or being felt. I know he loves me. I could feel his love and his desire both even though we didn't say too much which is fine. I was happy to have him back in my arms kissing me again.

I still don't clearly understand how that happened. I only know it did. And he was pretty much the James I knew before. Soft gentle touch. Smiley. Tender. Sweet. He was friendly and good to me. He loved me. I am so grateful that for whatever reason he was able to see me and hold me and love me again.

We are told to "live in the now." To enjoy the right now because it is all we really have. I try my best. Thankfully I have my wonderful child because he makes my life worth living. I think if I was going through this without my son I may have chosen to cut off the planet early.  My "right now" is much much easier to handle having PJ with me. But still my "now" aches. My now needs James in it.

Bringing my old good memories to mind is necessary for me to always remember who James really is and the love we shared together. Truth. Nights and nights full of hours of sweet kisses. Adorable kissing, like two kids making out on the couch. Innocent really. Totally loving each other. Celebrating knowing each other and being close to each other. We liked being close to one another.

We were only good together. And he is my twin soul. My strongest mirror. Out connection is unique. That is why I hold on. That goodness and love between us never ended. And I wish he and our love and goodness was back in my life, now.

Living in the now would be much happier for me if my now had James in it. I miss the love of my life. He is the love of my life. My life would finally feel complete with him in it. His future, like he used to call me. That is what I dream about most, having a future with him.

Jennifer