It is a challenge to feel heartache and then on top of that ache feel guilty for feeling the ache. I've had people on my blog write to me and tell me I am pathetic and all kinds of stuff because I miss James. Because I experience sadness. Well I have had no resolution with James. It is hard to go through the cycles of grief, like the end of a relationship, when there has been no real ending. When he contacted me months ago telling me he does love me and wants me in his life, when I KNOW he is a different type of connection with me, when I know I'm going through something I can't even clearly understand. James was here last year and he hugged me and loved me.
How do I explain this? How can I "let go" and move on and get past missing him when... he is still here, somewhere? When I feel so strongly like I am not meant to give up or move on? I've been told not to, I've had signs not to. Even James asking me, more than once, "So you really haven't dated anyone?" tells me I am being told- I am not meant to run off. Which means I'm alone and I miss the man I love most in the world. So of course there is ache. There is ache and love and happiness and good memories and tears and smiles and being thankful all mixed together at the same time. There is not only sadness. Sadness is like blue on an artist's palette mixed with other colors too, yellow maybe, and purple. And the colors overlap and blend together- all existing at the same time. We don't have to experience only one emotion at a time. We can experience more than one. I can feel thankful yet sad at the same time. Or happy and sad. And that is how I live my life right now. My colorful palette is constantly shifting, colors come and go, but blue is a constant companion. Blue never fully gets wiped away or used up. Blue remains. And right now I don't feel like blue is going anywhere. Blue sometimes fades to light blue, almost a crystalline aqua, for a while. But then something happens, a memory comes close, and light blue intensified into indigo, deepens, aching and powerful.
And I feel powerless right now to stop that shift from happening. I can't help it. I miss him. I've had no resolution. It's like in limbo, and limbo feels uncomfortable. I am a woman who likes resolution! And more than that, I love James and miss my friend and wish I could see him again.
Sometimes words... just won't cut the mustard, they are not sufficient. Yet all I have right now are words. Emotions inside of me that I try my best to transform into words on a page that express how I feel although how I feel cannot fully be expressed through words because words are limited. You'd have to crawl into my heart in order to feel what I feel. And then you'd better understand. Some of you do understand. You write to me and tell me that you feel similarly. My heart goes out to you. Words. I wish James was standing in front of me, reaching out to hug me. No words really. Just holding me. I wish I could see his face again. I wish I could see his smile again. Eventually I'd love to talk with him, yes, but if I could have my choice of holding him and kissing him and smiling at him and touching his face and holding his hand and stripping him naked and pulling him close to make love... all things that can sufficiently be done with very little words but tons of love and truth and emotions, then I'd choose silence and kissing and touching and smiling over words.
I wish I could see him again. I ache so deeply for him. I miss his face, okay? I miss his sweet dear kind smiling adorable face. He is so cute to me, and I miss him. I miss him because I am pretty sure I've kept him away, and I don't really know how to fix that or when I might see him again. And not knowing when I might see him again is Hell when I want to see him RIGHT NOW. I'd love to see him soon. I'd love to sit next to him and have our legs touch and feel like I might explode just from that slight contact. He makes me melt. I love him and miss him more than I could ever imagine missing any other man. He is perfect to me and I want my perfection back, my gift.
And then stuff like this happens, and I don't always know what to think. I do my best, you know? I was talking with my friend Teri about this today. Teri is a really sweet loving lady. There is this man at my work, John. A while back we ended up at lunch at the same place so he asked to sit together and he told me he was actually going to ask me out to lunch that day so it was weird that we ended up at the same place. Then he asked me if I'd ever like to go to dinner in the future. Well, it is funny because no one from work has ever asked me out before and it was totally unexpected. I didn't know what to say; I am not used to being asked out on dated. I told him I don't date because I have feelings for someone else. OMG the poor guy thought I was offended that he asked me! He said he asked out someone else from work a long time ago and she acted disgusted with him. That made me sad for him because he is a nice man. He's not unattractive. He is just a little different, and people tend to judge him. They make fun of him, and I am not one to make fun of people. He told me he wanted to pay for lunch and he said if I ever change my mind to let him know. Thing is, I see John out here and there, more than anyone else from work. I don't get it. I saw him when I was out for breakfast with my son over Christmas. My son has met John before, and John has seen him when he went to preschool here where I work. I said hello to him then. And then this past Monday I saw him again. *sigh* I did not have PJ for a few hours this past Monday so I decided to go to the arcade for a while to get out of the house. I took my journal with me, planned on writing and playing Centipede. I got up to use the washroom and on my way back who did I see? John. I of course said hello and we ended up sitting together talking for a while. Then PJ's dad dropped him off at the arcade and we were all talking, and John asked to play some games together. I played some pinball with him, and Frogger, lol. And we laughed and got along well. He is a good, nice kind man. Honestly if I was not going through this with James I would probably go out with him just to see. You never really know until you know a person. He insisted on buying me a beer and I could tell he was really trying to be super nice to me. And I can't lie- it felt nice. It felt nice to play pinball and laugh. I don't laugh much. My son makes me laugh. But it felt nice.
And it felt a little uncomfortable because it felt nice! Because of James. John was leaving and said we should do this again some night... and I just kind of smiled and told him to have a good night, drive safely. And then shook my head wondering... why? Why do I keep seeing this guy? What does it mean, if anything? Coincidence? WHAT?!
I will tell you honestly why it is unnerving. Because I ask myself- what is the status? Where is this thing with James? Is it over? Am I being shown to move on to someone else? Is God putting someone else, quite possibly a really kind man, in my face to tell me, hey... it was a good run but it is time to move on. I get scared thinking that is it, and I don't know what to do. It makes me scared. It makes me scared because the thought of not seeing James again terrifies me. It is the most tragic thought EVER. He's meant so much to me! He is totally precious to me in every way. He was here and held me and made love to me and he told me he loves me... and I HAVE to see him again, have to see his face and his smile and hear his voice. I have to. I just have to. I feel like I am still his in some way, and I feel like he does love me. We have to see each other again. I can't even fathom it being any other way. So when something like this happens I tell God (or the universe or whatever) "Hey- I can't help that it feels kinda nice to sit and talk with this friendly man but PLEASE, the one I want is James. Please I want James." I want James, not anyone else!
But it would be really nice to have some indication about James. Some word, please. Dear Lord please.
So I talked with Teri about this today. She works with me, and she knows how I feel about James. I told her why I think I am meant to focus on James and not be with anyone else, even if someone else is almost like "presented" to me. I've had other men pop up who would be nice to date, good men, kind and polite who want to know me better and I am pretty sure I was not meant to get any closer to them. So why would this be different?
But why does it happen? I don't know. I don't know if it is an opportunity to choose what I really want instead of moving away from it? Perseverance? Showing "God" I really mean what I say? I don't know! I don't know but I am weary. I am telling God PLEASE, please I want James now. I miss James. I did not ask for John to be out on Monday, and I clearly was not going to blow him off (I think he knows that some people make fun of him and stuff) because dear Lord I don't want to be rude to the guy. But I am also telling God, ENOUGH. NO more. I've seen him at work this week and I was friendly but I consciously tell the universe I am keeping my energy pulled back, intentions are that I want James.
I really want James to be the person I sit and talk with, or laugh and play video games together. Do you have any idea how much I'd LOVE to play video games with him, cracking up and having a great fun time together? OMG it makes me weep! I am crying as I fucking type this! I want that so much! I want HIM to be my ONE. The one I hang out with and love and have fun with. Spend time with.
I HURT SO BAD. I miss him so much! I told God if John asks me out I'll have to tell him no again so please, just no. No.
I wish I had some real life honest indication of the future of this situation. I wish I had some clarity, some real hope. I do appreciate signs, I do, but I wish I could hear from James now. I wish I could see him again. I wish we could have a real honest conversation!!! Easy, honest, peaceful, normal. Like humans do. It's so easy. But I want that with James. I want to talk with him, to know him as my friend again, my friend I can talk with and laugh with and share with.
I want our kisses back. Like when he was here last spring. He kissed me. He kissed my breathless. He told me he liked my galaxy tights and then asked me if we could take them off. He wanted me. He loves me. I felt his total love and desire and need, like he hadn't seen me in ages although he'd wanted to. I KNOW WHAT I FELT IN HIM. We are supposed to be kissing and holding each other, for the love of all things holy this is killing me. I know what I felt in him. I know what I saw in his eyes, that he felt like I did. I miss him so dearly. I miss my love.
Teri said I have a "conviction" when it comes to my love for James, and I told her that yes she is right. And she understands. I still feel like he loves me and is meant to be with me.
Listen, I don't mean to "commiserate" here or share my "misery" or anything like that. My love for James does not feel like low-energy. Neither does my sadness. My sadness is born of a deep love for another human being, and I don't think that is negative. I wish it were different. I wish it was bliss again, like before. I would much rather be sitting with him on my couch, him holding me and kissing me for hours instead of me sitting here on a blog writing about it. Believe me. I know the moment I'd hear from him, where he sounds like James again, that my ache and pain would be alleviated. The times when we have reconnected and it has been truth- those times have been extreme bliss for me, over the fucking moon, dancing on air- my love, my love. The times when he has reached out me and we'd talk, OMG, it felt like... a dream. I'd have to pinch myself. Hearing his voice, just that alone, is like worth more than a million dollars to me. I am so not kidding. If someone told me I have a choice between talking with James or getting a million dollars, tax free, I'd be dialing his phone number in a heartbeat. There is nothing I want more in the entire world than him. Oh. My God. It is so hard to not freak out. I am so in love with this man and I miss him with my entire heart. It is always so so so amazing to hear from him, to share laughs, to hear his soft gentle sexy voice. Ugh, James' voice... does things to me, good good things. It was always a gift to hear from him. It was a gift to see him last year. Knowing him brings me so much happiness.
I miss that feeling to no end. And no one else does it for me but him. One honest word from James and life feels bright and right again, like it should be. But without him, I can't help it, that bliss is gone. He is my bliss. He is my "rapture." With him feels like Heaven but us apart like this with no word, no hearing his sweet loving voice or seeing his sexy cute handsome face, feels like... enduring instead of not enjoying life. And yeah that kinda sucks. I am a smart strong woman. I've read alllllll the teachings that say happiness comes from within, yeah yeah yeah. That all goes out the window after you've met the one who was made for you. Everything I ever asked for came to me with James, my every dream come true. His is my happy ending. He is everything I ever dreamed of in a man, and it is impossible for me to "get over" him. And yes being without him feels really sad and blue to me. Like a really wonderful important part of my life is missing, or like I was given the best gift ever, a total treasure, and I somehow lost it, and I won't be settled until I find it again.
I am discontent. That is how I feel, and I refuse to feel guilty anymore for how I feel so please, don't write to me telling me to feel differently. If you do I will totally delete your message and pay it no attention. Please respect my wishes.
I woke at 1:41 AM last night, for no apparent reason except I did see that video about loving yourself when in pain, and that did help me although I had crazy-ass dreams when I tried to get back to sleep. I don't feel well. Seriously. I wish so much to see James again. I wish I knew what to do in order to make that happen, to allow him here. I think back to last year and how OMG wonderful it was to see his face again. His eyes are so blue and beautiful. His smile is adorable. Everything about him makes me fall in love with him more and more. I want to see him so badly. I miss him. I want to hug him tightly. I want to look into his eyes. It's kind of a challenge right now, how much I miss this man. And I feel like all I can do is pray, do my focus stuff, and maybe be easy on myself, not feel bad for aching, not feel guilty for expressing myself. Love myself too.
Well, TFIG. *sniff* I miss him so much. I just want to go home and cry for a while.
I really wish I could hug James. He would feel so good in my arms. I miss my love so much.
Jennifer
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