I'm struggling. Still I ache and hurt, and it never goes away. I can barely tolerate it but I have to live with it. I really have no other choice. This is a painful way to live though, I can tell you that.
Currently I feel like I live my life for everyone else but me. My life is not how I want it to be, especially not my home life. I am frustrated with my living situation and it's far from what I dreamed for my life. I'm torn over things in my personal life. I want to have my family now. MY FAMILY. My real family with a husband and wife and kid/s. That is my dream. So I feel hopeless, stuck and frustrated. I have no mate or companion to confide in. No shoulder to lean on. No loving husband to come home to. I want my loving husband. I want my family.
I miss James so much that it makes me sick on the inside. It affects my sleep. It hurts my heart. I can't stand it. I don't like how I feel. This is not the life I thought I'd have at this age. It makes me so sad. I'm not happy. I wish I was happy. I feel like I should be happy. But I am not.
Nothing about this feels good right now. I am confused. I don't have much hope. All I want is to talk to James, honestly and openly. And it feels unfair that a conversation has not happened.
I live my life while being depressed and trying to hide it, trying to be thankful for what I have, at least trying to be positive even if I feel sad or hopeless. But I honestly think I'm somewhat depressed. If I didn't have my child I really think I'd kill myself so I could escape how Hellish I feel on the inside. It is suffering. No, not many people would understand it but no one else is walking in my shoes or knows how I feel on the inside. I hurt so much, am so sad, miss James so deeply, that death feels like it would be an escape. And it's not an option so I am stuck here, and I hurt. I hurt because I love someone who was pretty much ripped out of my life in the most unbelievable of ways, and I have NO resolution, at all. I am in limbo and it feels like Hell. I want some type of resolution, answers, TRUTH. I want the fucking TRUTH. I'm confused right now. I dislike limbo, and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I need affirmation of some kind; without affirmation I am left wondering if I am ever going to hear from or see this man again, and we never ended, never had a real "goodbye," nothing bad happened between us for us to be apart and not talking- I didn't do anything bad to him, never. It's unreal, and without truth and some type of resolution this feels like shit. I ache to hear from James. I miss him so much, and I am lonely but for him; I don't want to love somebody else. The thought is saddening to me because it would be a tragedy since we shared a real honest genuine huge love that never had an ending.
I feel like I am losing my mind. I hurt so much. I can barely take this. I only stay here, on earth, because I am a mother. If I did not have my child I really feel like I'd find a pain-free way to end my life here so I could escape this torturous way I feel. I honestly think the universe knew this when it brought my son to me. Something out there knew if I did not have PJ in my life I'd end my life here in order to stop hurting.
It's absolutely horrible.
I pray for some positive change in my situation concerning my personal life, my love life, and my home situation. I want to be truly fully happy in my life but for me that means I want to be happily married with my own happy family, husband, wife and kid/s. A happy home with my family. James used to talk with me about "When we are married" and thinking back to that, remembering it, is very painful for me. I want what we talked about. I want what we had. I want our love back in my life. I want him. We separated for no reason that concerned not loving each other. It's so hard to take knowing it was absolutely perfect with him, everything I've ever wanted in my life, this sweet dear good man who would be an amazing loving companion- and I ache for him. I love him and miss him so much.
I'm feeling pretty low right now, the bluest of blue I guess.
Jennifer
I know the place that your in cause I have been there so many times. I hope you can hear this and take it because it really does work: Find your joy. Live for you! Make your life work. Sell the house if you have to. Quit your job, follow James example, relocate to your dream job, etc. In other words, do you! Fall in love with yourself. If you truly want union, heal your depression, be the radiant, stable, happy person that you were born to be. I believe that if you are both single and incarnate in this life time, you are meant to be together. Own this union. The logistics will wirk themselves out, don't even worry about it.
ReplyDeleteWith love Jen 💖
You don't understand (although I appreciate your words.) First of all I don't believe James relocated due to a dream job. He left because he's my mirror and I was afraid he'd leave and then he did. Second thing is I DO like my career. I like my job, a lot. I don't WANT to leave my job or my life here in Indiana. My family, my friends, are all here, and I like it here. My home is HERE. My son's FATHER is here. Maybe you don't realize that. I don't mean to be rude (at all) but why is it SO hard to understand that I am sad and down and blue because I miss this man? And I've had no closure? And my heart aches for him every moment I'm awake? I DO love myself! I think I rock. I think I am beautiful, smart, generous, loving, a great mother, and I'd make an awesome wife or girlfriend. I know my worth, fully. None of this can be HEALED with trite typical "twin soul" guidance. I am SAD. Sadness does not mean instability. It means I am damn sad. I want romantic love in my life. THAT is what I want. I want a mate, a companion, my lover and friend. I despise being like this. I AM strong and independent- dear GOD I do it all alone right now. I take care of EVERYTHING in my life pretty much by myself, and I even have another family living with me that I have to "balance" into my life. Why in the Hell would I want to quit a wonderful job where I have achieved a lot and I love the establishment where I work? I "do me" as much as I can Nuri. That's why I go on vacation, go to Disney, hang at the beach, and do things I like to do in an effort to enjoy my life. I have no desire to move away. I want to be here where I am, and I really have to be here because my child's dad is a good father and he loves his son and I would never take my child from his father; that would be insensitive, selfish and wrong. I believe James would have stayed here with me, and wanted to stay here with me. He even told me that himself. I just wish I would have believed it. Being a "creator" can suck sometimes.
DeleteOh, I hope you don't mind me asking for an update- you and your twin love are back together now? I know last you said you were definitely in contact and seeing each other. So I hope so.
DeleteOh yeah (Nuri this isn't for you) to the other person posting on my blog- it's not worth my energy, and this is not a space for your negativity. You could even share your thoughts or opinions but be kind about it, and you are not. Hence why I'm not giving you a platform on my blog. I do wish you well, take care is all I have left to say to you.
DeleteNot sure where to start but I want to keep it brief. The gist of my response was 1) look at what is not working in your life, 2) Then do what brings you greater joy. The specifics, only you would know.
ReplyDeleteIt is not trite feedback to me but I understand where your coming from, again, from my own experience. I only shared this because it worked for me and many tf on this journey.
You seem to be in a space that works for you. Forgive my intrusion. Won't happen again.
When I was new to this journey you reached out to me very generously with your time and support. I truly wish you the best. 💖
This is what I don't think anyone can understand and YES it is frustrating. It is frustrating because I think I make myself pretty damn clear here on my tiny private space on the web: I miss James. You say to find what isn't working in my life. Do you realize the rest of my life is great? I know I'm blessed. Great job. Great income. Warm secure home. Loving friends and family. But even though I'm thankful for all my blessing they do not fill the void of being alone, missing this person I love so much, wanting terribly to be in a happy marriage, wishing all the dreams I spoke about with James could be true. The ONLY part of my life "not Working" is that I crave having my family: husband, me, kid/s and I want James as my husband. So what do I do then?
ReplyDeleteOh and again I'm intetested to know, are you and your twin flame reunited now? I think I remember you were in a situation where you did see him and dual to him, right? I can't help but wonder, so did you work to fund what brings you joy (outside of being with him) and then once you were happy, truly happy, he came back to you? I guess it would help if I actually saw that this has lead to full successful reunion. And I also how so because I do want you happy in love. I might seem testy but I've been through a lot and currently I miss James even more than I have in a while.
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