I don't have the energy to go find a picture for this post. I really don't have much to say either. Nothing new. My heart aches. I want to cry. I do cry but maybe not as much as before. I stay very busy with my life, especially work now that I am the acting director of the department where I work and it's insanely busy with tons of multitasking so that keeps my mind occupied. But I'm still sad, and honestly it sucks really bad. I want to be happy. Truly fully easily happy. But being in love with someone and longing for that person and "holding on" and constantly trying to have hope- all of that wears me down. I want love in my life right now. I want this to be different. I don't want this silence anymore. I have a problem understanding why I can't just talk with James and have a normal real honest truthful conversation with him. I am a grown adult and after everything I've been through I can handle pretty much anything. But I want the TRUTH. I want to talk with the man I met. It frustrates me to no end that I have not talked to James where he sounds normal, like he did when I knew him.
If I could talk to him where he sounds like himself again, kind, polite, friendly, gentle, caring, considerate, empathetic and compassionate, then I'd believe whatever he tells me. I'd have some peace. But right now I have no peace. I have no peace when it comes to James. I honestly don't know what to do. I stay single, not dating anyone else- it's one thing I feel I can do, stay alone I guess. I don't have any men as contacts for anything besides at work. I'm pretty used to it at this point. It's weird though how I'll have someone reach out to me and then I'll turn down an invitation or something but that person will ask again. And again. So each time I take it a step further, like if someone happens to ask for my number I'm going to not give it out. If someone random wants to talk with me on Skype or Facebook I'm just like, no. I don't talk with men I don't know. It's actually very frustrating and unwanted, and it makes me angry at the divine because I want to talk to James. I don't talk with anyone else because the person I WANT to talk to is James but then the shitty thing is this one person I want to talk to more than ANYONE else in the whole fucking universe is seemingly the ONLY person I... sit here aching to talk to but with no contact.
I don't know. I feel like the only thing I can do, if I'm going to continue to hope, try and believe in all this, is to love him, stay focused on his goodness and love for me, and make sure I stay committed in my heart to only him. I STILL believe that we have this connection. I still believe that he had to leave me when he didn't really want to. I believe that he's loved me all along even when he could not show me (and he told me last year that YES he does love me and always has, so he confirmed what I believe.) I believe in what's happened even though it's very strange and I never asked for it. I love James more than I've loved anyone besides my own child. I love him beyond anything that could be humanly said or done, and I believe he loves me. That's the only reason why I hold on- because I believe he really does love me and he deserves my loyalty, deserves for me to hold on.
Most people I know who have walked this path with me as twin souls have defected or are freaking out. My one "friend" who I mistakenly kept talking to even after she kept lashing out at me finally lost it enough that we won't ever talk again. I don't want her in my life. I hope she learns whatever she needs to in order to get on in her life. Other people either text me or email me and they are all hating on their twins or saying "This can't be my twin" and it's all ego and pain and upset, and I get it. I really do. I just try to listen and be as compassionate as I can. I don't know one single other person having this experience who... loves their person and tries and wants to be together and defends that other person and holds that other person in high esteem and close to their heart. So I feel lonely. And I miss James. I miss James and I wish he was in my life, a part of my life. I ask God- what am I supposed to do in order to hear from him again? Because FUCK I already know that nothing I do, like texting or emailing, is going to "force" it to happen. If I do reach out to James it is because it feels like I'll explode if I don't at least try to tell him how much I still love him and want him and only him in my life. That I still remember him as the kind man who picked me up at work and took me for lunch, or who came to visit me at my house, who patiently kissed me for hours, who met my family and was sweet and respectful. Who brought my son Pop Rocks and suckers- a good wonderfully dear man. Of course I hope, wish and pray to hear from him. But even more than that I ache to have him here in my presence, to hold me and hug me and kiss me and cuddle me. I want to see his beautiful face and kiss him. I want to make love with him again. I want to be close to him. He's the perfect man for me, everything I ever wanted or asked for, and I don't want someone who isn't him. I want HIM. There was no reason, no real reason (like real life) that we parted. I know his love for me never ended.
I hurt inside. I'm antsy and irritated and still trying to stay away from drinking at home as an escape from this deep ache and longing and sadness. I miss him SO much. I wish I could talk with or spend time with the man I know he is, that good sweet kind man.
And my birthday is this weekend. I can't help that I no longer love my birthday. It hurts too much to remember that I met him on my birthday, and every single birthday since I met him has hurt me because I miss him so much, and I can't really share that with my family because they don't understand. Last year I was able to somewhat overlook it because I went to ComicCon and met Scully and Mulder from "The X-Files." It took all day and was busy so I didn't have to think about it. But then the next day is his birthday so I get to think about him all day again. I do wish in my heart for him to have a good birthday but I wish mine would pass with no more pain, longing and memories that make me cry my eyes out. I cry because I miss him and want him back with me; I remember him and then ache for him and it hurts. I want the magic I felt when I met him, holding hands and walking and talking and smiling and laughing and having the most wonderful time of my life. Meeting the man I fell so hard in love with that four years later here I am, writing my heart on a blog because I miss him so much. I want this pain of missing him to end now. I want the loneliness of not having my companion in my life to be over. I want my happiness back, the happiness I felt when I had James in my life.
Jennifer
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