Man. I do love this man, still. Even after over a year of no contact at all- I still think of him every day and I miss him... every day. It aches. I hurt. It is frustrating. I don't like feeling like this. I want to be happy. I want to be in a happy romantic love relationship but with James.
Little things happen. Mainly signs of sorts, things that seem to speak strongly to me. I still write and put my faith in choosing the appropriate focus. I will only speak well of James. To me he is the sweet man I met on my birthday four years ago; I am free to choose what I want to remember- and I know he is the kind gentleman I dated and fell in love with.
Before I go on, as an aside, I get people who reach out to me, those who have found my blog and want to ask questions, or vent, or get some reassurance. I do the best I can to help those people. I've been through a lot in these four years. I firmly believe in the whole "mirror soul" aspect of this connection. I don't know why we have to go through it. I don't like it. But I believe it. I love and respect this other wonderful human being who has played the part of that mirror for me. And I miss him with all of my heart. The irony is no one out there really knows the entirety of my experience because I don't want to document it all. Out of fairness to this other person I don't feel it is necessary to explain everything he has had to show me about what I create with my words both written and spoken, and my inner anger and fear flare ups.
But when other people who seem to be going through a similar experience contact me telling me all the horrid crazy shit their twin souls do or say to them all I can do is try to explain that IF it's a twin soul connection then it concerns energy, intention, manifestation, being taught some hard lessons, being forced to own your shit and stop taking it personally, trying to see this experience from a higher perspective than "real life" only. Honestly though I don't think one single person I've worked with has been able to get past "He's such a crazy asshole and I won't take his shit anymore." And all I can think is... man if this person truly is a mirror soul then it's not going to be a fun journey. But I also know you have to go through it and see the mirror over and over again until finally you realize it's real and you give in and start changing your thinking. Not taking it personally. Beginning to feel compassion for your other half for having the play the role in the first place because I'm certain it doesn't feel good to them either.
But each person has to get there in his or her own time. If ever.
Me? I love James. I firmly believe in this situation, more than I've ever believed in anything "spiritual" in my life. I am a hard sell. I am by far a skeptic of the metaphysical world. I want proof. I want undeniable outcomes that can be tested or proven time and again. But enough has happened to me in this for me to fully believe I have some kind of connection with James that I didn't necessarily ask for, and I don't think I have control over whether the connection is there, and I don't think it matters at all if he believes in it or feels it or whatever. It is still there, at least on my end. I feel in my heart that he loves me and thinks of me buy beyond that I have no idea how this affects him, if at all. I don't concern myself with that. I honestly don't care! All I care about is seeing his sweet adorable face again and being in his arms. I want the human real life aspect of loving him. That is what matters to me. I adore him, remember his sweet kind loving gentle self, and I miss him dearly. I really don't like what happened, the separation and not being able to talk to each other but I don't blame him at all. I just miss him and wish it could change. I ache to talk to James and hold him and touch his face and kiss him for hours. All I want to do is sit and kiss and hold each other for a very long time. I want to be close to him. I miss him so much- it hurts a lot. To love someone as much as I love him but not have him in my life feels like my heart is being ripped out- I ache.
A comment about what we have labeled as "twin flames" or "twin souls." I've had energetic connections with other people in my life. I have it with my son, my aunt, my best friend. It is either soul or psychic or something. I've had past men I've loved know little things about me, how I feel, when I am scared or secretly struggling, but it was on a small scale, here and there... and NONE of those people, not one of them, ever had to shine my fears and doubts back to me in a way that felt bad or scary. It's a strangely unique connection with a twin soul. What I've noticed with James is he seems to be mainly a reflection of how I feel about love, how I've trusted love, my fears about him loving me, my fears or doubts about him in general, what I think or say about him... like he isn't showing me just general everyday stuff about myself. It seems to all revolve around HIM and how I feel about HIM. And how do I explain this? You know in the spiritual community it is a popular teaching that "Everyone is your mirror." Well I don't totally agree. There is a clear distinction between a twin soul and others. I can only speak about myself with James, and knowing TRUTH is very important.
See, when I knew James (before this "shifted" like it did) I know the man I met and spent time with, like when he was actually here in my life, is truthfully honestly him. His genuine nature and personality which is friendly and loving. THAT is truth. But if I've ever doubted him or whatever (doubted what is actually the truth) then it's like I am believing something other than truth, believing something bad, and then I am shown what I am believing. And it sucks. Well I don't do that anymore (and I'm not shown that anymore either) but it was hard to learn to stop. So here is the distinction- he is actually a very good nice person who is kind to me. That is truth. And I needed to focus on that truth and believe in it.
BUT- other people. In everyday life we do meet people who are assholes. I know a few. Mean rude people. And I refuse to think that those people are being ignorant towards me because I need to "see something about myself" through them. No. They are just assholes. So I don't believe that bullshit of "Well if Sally was a bitch to you it's because she was showing you something you need to be made aware of," like secretly I am a bitch. Not buying that because I am a nice person and I've had a few people be really big assholes to me in the past. So if those people were showing me anything then it was that I need to stand up for myself, protect myself, know when to walk away, or know when to cut people out of my life. But that is different than a twin soul because in this example Sally really truly IS a gigantic asshole who treats people like shit.
Twin souls though... typically there is that phase of meeting a super great person who is amazingly wonderful, sweet, nice, friendly and great. A person who is truly a genuinely GOOD person, a person who doesn't show you anything but love and kindness. And then POOF it changes, then maybe that person changes and starts acting much different. But at first (before that strange twin soul shift many of us have experienced) they were SO SWEET and attentive and talking all day long and totally connected and affectionate and PERFECT, like a dream come true.
But it seems most people are forgetting that initial goodness phase, and they have a hard time holding on to it or believing it in once the "mirroring" phase kicks in.
I for one cannot forget James' goodness. I just can't. It would be a tragedy to do so! He was SO kind and good to me and my son both. My son. A man that sweet and kind and crazy in love with me... doesn't just change. I'll never believe he's anything less than the guy who asked to hold my hand on our first date, the guy who kissed me for weeks on my couch without pressuring me for anything more, who was happy and content to just kiss me and hold me and be in my presence. A patient gentleman. THAT is my James, and that is why I still love him so much.
Am in love with him.
Frustrating shit has been happening to me. I am trying to be good about it, not get angry, but it is hard. This man from my work keeps asking me out even though I've told him, pointedly, that I do not date. I've went so far as to tell him why. I've text him and told him, "To re-explain this to you, I have no guy friends. I don't talk to single men. I don't date at all. I don't text or chat with single men. The only males I talk to are my family or the people I work with and that is because I love someone a lot and I don't want to be with or talk to or hang out with anyone else. So please don't take it personally when I don't accept your offers."
Like... isn't that shit pretty fucking clear? Did I text-stutter?
But yesterday this SAME guy text me asking me if me and my son want to go to the county fair with him. And I said no. But I am polite because I work with him. But it is a punch in my gut and makes me cry and makes my heart ache in the worst way because I WISH IT WAS JAMES. I want to go to the county fair with James and PJ. I want to spend time with James. I want James to text me and say hi or ask me to go for a bike ride or a nature walk. So it KILLS me and I don't like it coming from someone else but I SAY SO, and I say NO and I explain (I've explained the "I love someone" thing twice now!) but still he asks me. After I said I DON'T HANG OUT WITH SINGLE MEN EVEN AS FRIENDS! It's so frustrating because it has this feeling of... prodding me. Like it's not totally "normal" so I can't be upset with the human being because it just feels like... pushing me. And I try so hard to take it in stride. But it hurts because I miss James so so so much. And I wish it was him. So it makes me cry and be upset inside. Because why? Why... I just want to hear from James. To talk to him would mean the world to me.
I don't want anyone else. I don't care. I just want him. I miss him and I know we love each other. We had no ending. There was no conclusion. No real good-bye. And no resolution. It's limbo and it kills me. I love him, am in love with him, and I miss every last thing about him.
I heard this song yesterday and YES it is exactly how I feel. I ache for him, deeply. I want to cuddle him and touch his face and kiss him and kiss him and kiss him for hours. But I also want to make love to him for...ever. I want to be close to him, by his side, with him. His. I don't want to be with anyone else, only James.
This hurts. It is not easy. I do the best I can. But my GOD do I miss this man and love him, and I just wish I could hear from him, know him again, have my loving caring sweet FRIEND back in my life- my friend who I know cares about me too.
You set my body on fire. I miss you, and I love you from the bottom of my heart... just in case you see this. I wish I could kiss you and only you for eternity. You are my angel, always will be. When you were here last the reason I made love with you and gave all of myself to you is because no matter what I TRUST you and I know you love me as much as I love you. I know you do care about me. And you are the only man I want in my life as my friend and my lover. I wish you were here to be my friend and my lover; I ache for you.
I miss you so much sweetheart.
xxoo
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