James said I'm the perfect woman for him. The woman of his dreams. He once said he has dreams about me, said "You're not only the woman of my dreams but the woman in my dreams too." So many sweet things he said and also did. I miss him. I miss his sweet kind personality. I miss how funny he is. And smart. I miss our long interesting stimulating conversation; I miss his super sexy voice. I miss his beautiful smile and sweet kisses, his tender touch. He has great hands and I love how he would smile at me, touch my face, cup my cheek in his hand and kiss me. The sweetest kisses. Always gentle and loving.
I miss James and his kisses. I'd do pretty much anything to sit next to him being held in his arms kissing each other, lost in each other and our amazing kisses. I know James loves me and misses my kisses too. But I miss him and missing him deeply aches; it is a pain I try to deal with gracefully but I don't always succeed.
I'm upset. Again another man messaged me last night, late. I don't know this person at all and don't have any desire to speak to him or know him. But when I'm laying in bed awake at 3AM missing the love of my life and wishing with all my might to one day see him or at least speak to him again... OMG getting messages from someone else burns my ass; I can't help it. I miss James so much. I would love to hear from him like I used to. A hello text. An invite to call and talk. A response to one of my "I can't help but tell you I love you" messages.
Something that sounds like James. Loving and caring and warm and funny and kind. I ache to hear from him because I miss him desperately. So to get a middle of the night message from some dude I don't know really pushes me. I'm trying to stay neutral but I'm tempted to feel taunted and prodded but I don't understand why. When I dated James I wanted a new start with him. Total commitment. He was all I wanted. I made a point of clearing the way with any guys I was friend with, making sure to state that I met a wonderful man who I was happy to call my boyfriend. Yes at first it felt odd because I wasn't used to it but within a month, once he started saying he could see us being together forever all I wanted was him. I fell hard in love and I dreamed of marrying him. I look back and ask myself... did I have unfaithful thoughts? I really can't say I did at all; I was pretty much head over heels I love and consumed with thoughts of him or his presence when we were together or talking which was often. But I can't understand why is it that over and over ever since he left have guys strangely popped up out of nowhere, like testing me or something? I guess I don't understand that. I don't understand why it happens. And it happened immediately. I remember. He went quiet and a guy I knew invited me out to lunch and started texting me. I was distraught. Confused. Hurting so so so much. My boyfriend had disappeared and I was losing my shit. I told this guy briefly that I had what I thought was a sweet boyfriend but I hadn't heard from him. He said "forget him." All flippant and stupid- like love is something disposable and worthless. It was weird because I was only friends with this man; in the past we had met for lunch a few times but I didn't want to date him. So his behavior surprised me and I ended up telling him to please leave me alone. Oddly enough he resembled James but all I could think about was James, "What the fuck is going on? Where is my sweetheart? I'm gonna die."
Still though, the dudes popping up thing has eerily happened time and again. I'm no beauty queen okay? It isn't normal. I'm 43. Recently I've had 30 year-old guys telling me they are infatuated with me or how beautiful I am (when all I can feel is the extra ten pounds I need to lose.)
It ain't normal or... real. And I don't understand it although I'm trying not to get angry at the divine or the humans. I explained to my male co-worker twice that I don't date because I'm in love with someone. Feeling pretty dorky I went as far as to clarify that I do not have guy friends and I do not want to hang out with single men... because I love this other person. But he still invited me to go to the fair with him. And my son.
Like I totally would love to do with James. And it hurts. It hurts because I TRIED. I made myself crystal clear. I basically was saying "Please don't ask me or invite me out with you again." So it pushes my buttons. I was torn over being polite or telling him to not ever contract me again if it isn't work-related but God help me being mean doesn't come natural to me at all so I just said no. I still don't get it though. All it did is make me cry because I want it to be James. It just makes me miss him even more and it hurts.
I wish it could be James and the powers that be, whatever is causing these other people to message me or very strangely think they wanna know me, knows I want it to be James. So it's hard not to feel upset. I'm super trying to avoid being angry.
Not my strong suit. I tend to feel angry when I'm confused and I don't understand.
I really miss James though. My heart aches for him. I long too hear his voice or see his adorable face. I miss his sweet smile. I miss, dearly miss, my friend. I want to hug him. I want him to hug me. I want to hear from him. I can only wonder when the other shit is going to quit. I know that someday I will speak with James again. We love each other. But God damn is this painfully frustrating. To ache and pray and wish and hope and dream for one specific wonderful thing but to be presented with something else, what I don't want, is disappointing and confusing. Maybe if I understood better why it happens I would feel better. I can only speculate.
All I really care about is this man I love. I wish I could know how he's doing. I wish I could speak with him like I can any other person in my life! The ONE person I long to talk to is the only person I have this silence with. It's abnormal. We care for each other. We are friends. Friends talk. It makes me crazy because I know truth. I know he is a dear good kind person who cares about me. I just know. So it's frustrating.
I can close my eyes and feel you with me. I remember how perfect it feels to be cuddled in your arms. But I love you so much. Only you. And I miss you with every breath I take. I honestly don't know how I'm making it through without you it hurts more than anyone can understand.
It was so hard to read this... I relate so much to this pain. After lots of running in the past months, he decided to break up since one month now. We exchanged some texts but it was too painful for both so now I'm trying to behave and gradually "disappear". Here is my story (sorry long message but I couldn't summarise more than this!):
ReplyDeleteI've met my twin flame around 1.5 year ago. We were both involved in long relationships (8 years for me, 4 for him) but when we met at work we instantly recognised each other. We started chatting one day and we never stopped for like 6 months. Around that time we had to separate as I was diagnosed with cancer and I had to go back to my country (my bf came with me) but we still kept on talking everyday and our connection kept on growing. To make it short, we both ended up breaking up with our partners and started spending time together. It was the most tumultuous moment of my life and we both were in pain and feeling guilty for inflicting pain to our ex partners but we just couldn't avoid it, our connection was too strong and irrational. The following months were intense and like a rollercoaster, we spent happy times and very sad times and gradually he started feeling depressed and running away every two weeks saying he needed distance and time for himself. He was running from me and from himself and the excuse was that he was feeling too guilty and couldn't move on in his life and feeling happy with me. Two months ago he decided to go to therapy and to finally face his demons but he decided he had to be alone in this process so we broke up. He was even starting doubting his feelings for his ex gf saying that he maybe wanted to go back to her. I've never experienced such a pain, it's indescribable and I got scared of myself and my own thoughts. I'm now starting to see the light as I have been reading about twinflames and I decided that I want to love him unconditionally and support him even from far. He said he wants me to feel his love too cause it's the only thing he has left inside himself, covered by sadness and depression. Now my question is: should I make him aware of the twin flame existence? He's always been kind of skeptical but I know that deep inside he's very spiritual by only scared to see it. I'd like to help him seeing that, if could give him faith that he's on the right track and I want him to acknowledge what we are and reflect on our first months relationship when guilt was still not on the surface and he was realising all the signs of our tf connection (even without knowing). Should I just wait for his therapy to reveal it all?
Julia
Hello, I did not comment on this when you first wrote it, sorry. I meant to. I don't think it is necessary to tell him about the twin flame existence, not right now. My only bit of advice to you comes from a "seeing things from a higher perspective" outlook. Try to only think about what you want with him. That means don't worry about him going back to his GF. Only try to think of all the love you have shared and moving forward with a life together.
DeleteI somehow stumbled upon your blog...although now I an quite certain it was not a mere coincidence. I can relate in so many ways to how you have been and are feeling. It is such an emotional rollercoaster on this journey. I can share in all of the pain, the fear, the confusion and the exhilaration it brings with it like a whirlwind. Thank you so much for sharing your story, it has helped me feel a little less alone in this craziness:)
ReplyDeleteI don't think I commented on this when you originally left it! Thank you for your kind words and empathy. I appreciate it, and I am glad you can relate to me. I am happy to help you feel a little less alone in your experience.
Delete