Desire

I've been thinking about the advice people have given me about doing whatever I can to make myself happy, live for me, be happy, and then James would come back.  But it feels like setting a person up for failure because how can you be totally happy and feel fulfilled when the one thing you want most is gone?  I understand that the advice is always well meaning, people want to help.  I appreciate people trying to help.  But sometimes the advice actually doesn't help.

Had I never met him then I would not know what I'm missing.  So let's say I was single and really hoping to meet a nice man and have love in my life, that would be different because I would not be missing something wonderful that I already had and knew.

I feel like I have a huge weight on my chest; it's almost hard to breathe.  This time of year, the weather, totally reminds me of being with James.  I ask myself- would it be like this ten years from now? Twenty?  Such vivid memories, still?  Because it's been four years and still I can remember walking with him, how the August nights felt.  And then September.  September 2013 was like the best month of my entire life.  I spent it being immersed in James' love, his sweetness, his silliness, his friendliness and caring personality.  I remember his sweet smile and how he'd look at me.  His smile- it haunts me.  I swear.  It's so hard.  This is so hard, and I have to wonder- are there others out there who feel like I do?

Do any of you who read this blog hurt because you miss this person, and nothing helps to ease that ache?  NOTHING?  It's been FOUR years and I still ache.  I feel like the only thing that would take the edge off at all is if I threw myself into another romantic relationship with someone else I liked.  Or even loved.  I already know I could love someone else... but I'd still love James, and I'd love him most.  I'd be haunted, always wondering.  I can't do that.

So I stay alone.  I stay alone when I'm lonely and I really want a romantic partner in my life, and I miss James with all my heart.  I hurt.  I'm frustrated and I hurt.

And then I also wonder- well what if he WAS "just to teach me."  What if?  But I can't accept that- it breaks my heart and I'll tell you why.  I hope at least one of you out there can understand this.

James never stopped loving me.  We were hardcore in love when we parted.  That kind of love where you can't wait to get your hands on the other person, where they are all you think about, and you smile simply because you know them.  He loved being with me.  He hated being away from me.  He told me I was the woman he'd hoped for, that he finally found the perfect woman for him.

He called me, "My future."

Seriously it is UNREAL that suddenly he was gone, and then all this happened.  It should NOT have happened.  There was no problem between us, no relationship issue, no lack of love.  All we did was love each other, and I'm serious- I was traumatized when all of this happened, and I still am.  I won't ever ever heal from the trauma of having someone I fell so hard in love with, gave my heart to fully and completely, adored, grew to trust, felt was a dear friend, was the NICEST person I'd ever met, sweetest man ever, spent hours and days talking with him and connecting with him, kissing for hours and hours and hours and then finally making love and it was sweet genuine REAL love we made.

The first time I made love with him it was so... right.  It felt like, ugh, just so clean and pure and right.  Love, all love.  Healthy and safe.  Comforting and healing.  And I told God James would be the last man I'd ever be with, that I wanted to marry him and be his forever.

Never have I ever loved someone so hard or deeply.  So true.  He's all I could think about.  He made me so happy.  So imagine how I felt when he was suddenly gone, and then quiet, and weird.  NOT REAL.  It was Hell.  I was traumatized.  In shock.  It felt like someone dear to me had died.  It was a suffering I really could not share with anyone because no one understood; I suffered much of it on my own, or with the help of whatever guides me.  Without that I would have died.  The pain was more than I could handle on my own.

And now four years later I'm still not healed from the shock and loss.  I'm not.  I don't feel the same as back then because now I truly believe he loved me then and loves me now but I have no idea when or if I'll ever see this man again, and THAT is totally traumatizing for me.  Talk about heartbreak.  OMG- I can't even.  To take two people who truly love each other... I know he loves me.  But not being able to talk to him, not knowing him, is killing me.  I miss him so much.  My heart hurts.  My chest is heavy.  I want to cry but then at times there are no tears left.  Just this blue sorrow inside when I remember him telling me over and over again that he would make love to me every night and be there for me and wanted me as his future and wanted to have a family with me and be my son's step-daddy.

It's nearly impossible to get over someone when that person is the person you truly feel was made for you, meant for you.  I feel like I was made for him, and him for me- we are that perfect together.  He used to tell me, even after all this happened and we'd reconnect, how much he appreciates me.  I thought that was really sweet.  I liked being close and intimate with him.  I want to be his lady which means I'd do anything for him.  And he'd email me and say, "I'm so lucky to have you.  I really appreciate you."  He'd stay up most of the night talking with me.  That sweet kind voice.

I'm dying inside.  This is a pain I would not want for anyone.  I just want him back.  I wish I knew how to be able to be in contact with James again, and NO it's not as easy as "going to find him" or just reaching out to him- when those avenues have been taken away, and when you know (like I do) that nothing I do physically (like trying to locate him or contact him or "convince" him) will change this- 3D workings don't work anymore unless they are meant to- it's really hard to accept.  I sit here missing him, and I don't WANT anything else.  I don't think people understand that.  I don't want a hobby.  I don't want to write a novel.  Even if I go on a vacation or out for a nice dinner- well that's all fine and dandy but STILL I ache on the inside, like every moment I'm awake.  HE is what I want, a life with James.  I want him.  Nothing else compares.  Nothing fills that void.  THAT is why I get so frustrated when someone tells me "Find your joy. Be happy.  Do you."  I would if I could- but nothing helps.  I've forced myself to make jewelry and it's terrible, pathetic energy.  I have NO passion for art or anything creative like that.  Believe me I've tried, and I really do hope that fire comes back to me some day; it used to be such a big part of me.

But right now I can't really help how I feel.  If I could don't you think I would have made it happen already?  I HATE feeling like this.  It's horrible.  I miss James so much; it's a pain I really can't explain.  My heart aches.  My heart wants him.  I'd do anything to hear from him.  I love him more than I can say with words.  What I want most in the world, my biggest wish, is to hear from him where he is himself again and we can talk normally, openly, honestly.  And I'd like to hug him and kiss him.

You know, I didn't see him for almost three years and a ton of crazy shit (much that I haven't told a soul) happened between us and STILL I saw him again.  And he held me and kissed me.  And talked with me and made me smile and was just so very "The James I remember."  And he was as much in an emotional upheaval as I was.  I could tell.  It was love, and he felt strongly.  I FELT him.  I know him.

So this makes me crazy.  I ache for him.  It hurts.  It's hard living like this.  I wish it would change now.  I love and desire him on every  level.

Jennifer