Granted it's been a while now but I've never forgotten one of the "weird" email exchanges I had with James. It started out strange and I had to work my way through it but in the end one of the last messages he sent me he said, "I wish you were here with me cuddled in my arms right now."
I've never let that comment go because it sounded and felt like my James, the man I met and fell in love with, and I've always felt in my heart that he wished he could hold me and kiss me and cuddle me and be gentle to me.
I still wish I could cuddle James. I miss him. Nothing really stops me from missing him or wishing to hear from him or see him again. But when I do hear from him or see him again I want it to be like it was when we met. Real. Honest. Truthful. I wish so much to be able to hug him. I'd probably cry this time though. The last time I saw him I still had too much going on inside and I was really nervous and trying to be strong and brave yet I was scared and nervous too so I know I had some walls up. I think right now if he was in front of me and hugged me or held me I'd probably fall the fuck apart. All I can think of is him hugging me and me realizing all we've been through and how hard it's been being away from him and how much I've loved him and fought through this and... how much I've wanted him back in my arms. I wish I would have kept that in mind when I saw him again. I wish I would have just let him hold me and stayed quiet and snuggled up against him and told him in my heart that I trust him and believe in his love and to please just hold me and love me. I think back to that moment and I can hardly believe that after more than 30 months he was holding me in his arms again. Seems like a dream, or a miracle. More like a miracle I guess- a miracle although I don't know how it happened.
No matter how much added joy or love is in my life I still love James, miss him, think about him all the time and wish he was with me. I can't help it. I can't let him go, and it's still bittersweet. I hold him close to my heart. I speak of him with love. I just know that on some level he does love me, and he'd a wonderful person. Limbo is difficult. Lack of resolution does not work well for me. Yet all I can do is continue to love him, wherever he is.
I sure do wish he was here though, with me, us cuddling each other. I miss my friend. I miss my friend a lot. I believe we were more friends than lovers. We did make love but we spent much more time laughing and talking and kissing than being in bed. Not that making love with James wasn't great. It was. But we spent so much time talking and kissing (clothed) and giggling and walking hand in hand... it was all so sweet and friendly so I feel like my dear good friend is missing and it still breaks me up inside. I miss my sweet friend. I miss him so much.
I truly am thankful for all the blessings in my life. I tell God always that I am grateful. I feel like God is trying to help me- but still I surely wish I had my twin soul back. THAT is what I want most. I really do. What I want most is for James to be back in my life, here with me, my friend again. My active friend who I am can talk and share with and laugh with. Sex was not the most important thing in our connection- being intimate was. Closeness, kisses- long sweet kind loving kisses where the world slowed down and all we wanted to do was be close and connected through kissing. It hurts my heart, those memories. He was so so so sweet to me. Patient and kind. Loving and generous, and he was EXACTLY what I'd asked for, exactly. My Prince Charming. My fairy tale come true.
No matter what I still love James and miss him. I sure wish I could cuddle with him.
This video reminds me of James, his scientist nature. He shared these "Symphony of Science" videos with me when we were together and when I play them I can feel him and remember him strongly.
Oh my heart. My heart still aches for James. I still remember how sweet and patient he was with me, perfect. I know, clearly, that I will never ever love anyone else like I love him. A love where when I hear him say my name it sets me on fire. Where I hold on to his every word. Where I can't wait to see him again. Where I count the moments until we are back together. I fell so hard for him and loved him so so so much- and I know the way I felt about him I will never feel for anyone else, ever.
I tell the universe I am thankful for all the love I have in my life. I know I am loveable, and I am loved. I do love myself and I want to be happy and enjoy life- I do appreciate my blessings. But MY GOD what I do not understand is why is my twin soul not in my life? When I want James so badly, why can't he just be here with me? My heart... still longs for him.
I am here to tell you that even if a really wonderful sweet attractive love comes to you- you won't forget your twin, and it won't replace the fire and passion and excitement and deep love and affection and connection you feel with and for your twin. It just won't compare. It might be lovely and sweet and a blessing in and of itself but it won't be the same, and it won't take away the ache or the sadness. It might add joy- which is always appreciated. I am made to give love. I also like receiving love but I am a born nurturer. I like to take care of people and love them. When I have a lover in my life I am kind and gentle and caring; it's just who I am. When I have no outlet for that love it can really suck. I don't mind sharing love with someone I care about, someone who really needs it, but still what I have found is my heart belongs to James, and I think it always will.
Weird. Again I am working to be as light and love as I can. That doesn't mean my heart isn't aching. I have love in my life, happiness, and it's really nice. I am thankful for that love and added joy, someone treating me well and maybe being a reflection of why I truly am. But I know in my heart that James loved me too the same way, and still does. And that is what bothers me so badly- because I still love him and miss him deeply. I ache to speak with him. I want to talk with him! I want to share truth and talk and be normal like we were. I want to have a conversation with him where it is obviously all REAL. I want that so bad! I still miss him desperately. I miss my love and my friend.
I think having someone to love and watch out for and take care of right now helps keep me soft inside. This man I care for, D, is sweet and vulnerable and he was struggling badly before we started spending time together. Last night we watched a movie together and he was super tired and his head hurt. I could tell how tired he was and he asked me if I would be willing to rub his temples because his head was pounding. I told him yes and that he needed to lay down and go to sleep; I said I'd see myself out because I wanted him to go to sleep. As I was rubbing his temples he was falling asleep and he said, I'm sure without realizing it, "You are so much like her." I told him today what he said and assured him it was okay. I asked him if his wife had been kind, gentle and loving with him and he said, "Yes very much so." I told him I was glad to know that she had loved him so much and taken good care of him because he is a really good man and I know he was a great husband to her. *sigh* I know this sounds super duper fucking CRAZY but his wife told him she wanted him to meet someone kind and good after she was gone, someone who would love him. He told her that wouldn't happen for a long time, if ever, and he couldn't handle talking about it. She told him, "Yes it will happen, and it will happen quickly." Well God knows I did NOT go looking for this, and I wasn't thinking of being with anyone else. So maybe I'm meant to be the one who cares for him and pulls him through. I told him I will always know him no matter what, and I mean that. I have no idea what the future holds but personally I know what I want my future to be. I still want to be with James in the future. I can't help but feel that way. We had no ending. If he is truly my twin soul then I'd think some day I will hear from him again! But maybe for right now somehow I'm supposed to love and help this other man. I just don't know what else to think. I still have my dreams of the future but I do have a lot of love to give, and this man needs some love so... it works out. Loving someone who is actually here with me being a part of my life and me being a part of his helps me stay feeling loving.
The opposite of that is loving someone who is somewhere else, somewhere I have no idea, no contact with that person beyond "spiritual energy," missing him dreadfully, crying all the time, aching, missing, longing, feeling so lonely, having no adult male to talk to, staying isolated and alone most of the time, masturbating and crying afterwards from being so alone and aching for the one my heart cries out for- is fucking Hellish. It makes me angry and hard inside. It makes me absolutely hate God. So maybe that is why I met this man. Why it can't just be James is a question I don't have the answer to. But it's someone loving, kind and good who is "of the light" like I am. And I don't feel so alone. And I have someone I can be loving towards which is really an important aspect of life for me. As well as being loved in return.
I am trying to find the right words to explain how I feel. I love myself a lot. I love myself a TON. I have fucking fought like a Lioness for FOUR YEARS to try and get through this separation and somehow "allow James back to me." And for whatever reason that has not happened. But I tried so hard. I've fought loads of fear, and I have loved James a lot. Yes at times I was terrified of him, of the mirror really. I thought bad things. I repeated shit I should not have. I basically manifested my worst fears and none of it felt good. Now I can see what I did- but it hasn't changed. And I don't feel like I deserve to be alone and hurting all the damn time. I AM a very loving woman, and damn do I adore James and wish he could be in my life!!! I wish I could make him dinner and cuddle him and shower my strong love and affection on him! I've wished for that for a very long time now. I just want to be able to love James freely, show him love, be love for him. But he is not here. And I love myself enough that I'm not going to turn away from having real genuine love in my life right now (that I did not go looking for!) even if it is someone different. I deserve to have a dose of happy in my life- and while I feel strongly that James loves me and wishes he could be here- I can't properly deal with being alone and sad all the time. I have tried. I've suffered actually. I've hurt so much that I want to die. And I love myself so much that I do not want to feel that alone anymore. I still miss James. I still feel this sadness because he is not here. My heart still longs for him. It is two separate situations and experiences. But having some love in my life does help me not sink down deep into despair. And I also know that my love and care is helping this other person.
One other thing I've learned about myself is that four years of being alone and somewhat isolated has made me majorly independent and non-clingy. I am so used to being alone, and I respect myself so much, that I will only share my time and/or affection with a person who totally resonates with me, someone who supports my higher good, someone who truly "feels good" to be with. I will be with someone because I 100% want to be in that person's presence, because I genuinely like or love them, not because I don't want to be alone. I'd much rather be alone than spend time with a person who feels even one drop less than right and good to me. That's a pretty cool place to be.
That is where I am right now. I still wish and pray to hear from James. At this point what I wish for is to speak with him honestly. I get so very frustrated when I think of the silence and BS. Because I don't feel like it should continue. I feel like me and James deserve to be honest with each other. I feel like I've earned that! I feel like we should be able to talk, like my energy is okay enough for us to be able to come together to at least talk honestly. I am not hiding shit. I have been totally fucking honest in every single thing I've done here lately. I won't hide or be scared to share my truth or my feelings. And if James did reach out to me right now I'd be fully honest with him too, not trying to hide anything. But I feel we need to talk. I know he cares about me and always has, and I care about him too. I WANT TRUTH. I will always hope for, ask for, pray for, that truth. I do still love James and miss him a lot. I am trying to stay very loving and kind inside and eradicate any crap energy which means I need to be very grateful for the love and blessings I have in my life, and I am. I just wish along with all of that I could hear from my sweet lovely little twin soul again. Nothing can really take away the longing I feel for him although I love him unconditionally whether we are in contact or not. No matter who I know or even who else I love- I just feel like my heart will always belong to him.
So I've been honest about this unexpected change in my circumstances but I hope it's obvious that I love James. I love him. He is truly the one I want in my life. I always have since I met him. It has been painful, so so painful, to be away from him for so long. Total despair. I don't even know how I've lived through the pain I've felt over being apart from him and wanting him in my life like I had him. I want to share the dreams we spoke of. That is why I am not "giving up" or letting go or moving on. This kind dear man I am spending time with and sharing love with- I don't know what tomorrow brings with him. I make him dinner. I talk with him. I bring him happiness. Love is what I am in his life. Just love. I am a good loving person and I am easy to love... so it is what it is for the moment. I have too much on my mind and in my heart to think any farther than that when it comes to all this.
Life is really weird right now. Good but strange and not what I expected, at all.
So this man, D, has spent a lot of time with me. He loves me. I can't explain how this happened. I didn't mean to meet someone else. I did not intend to spend time or share love with another man. I have tried to be really honest on my blog and I will continue to do so. It's been four years since I met James. Actually right now, this very time of year, is so challenging because this is when we were dating and the weather feels like James. The shifting seasons, the changing leaves, the smell and feel of fall in the air- the crisp cool nights with bright clear skies that highlight the luminous stars shining down... all of it reminds me of James. Walking hand in hand with James. Seeing James smiling at me. His kind kisses. How much he loved me. It all breaks me up. I can barely think of it. I still honestly miss James a ton. I miss my Atheist Geologist scientist brilliant funny charming sweet kind friendly sweetheart. It's... really difficult.
So it sounds like I'm being a contradictory hypocrite, right? I am missing one man but spending time with another. Well... this is a good lesson in me not judging anyone for choices made during this experience. I felt like I was dying. For anyone who has read my blog, all of that pain and suffering and angst and missing a person until it feels like I am going to die from the pain of not having that person in my life is real. Here is how I can explain it: I could not find a balance between being alone, missing James and feeling any happiness in my life. I just couldn't do it. I have fought so hard for four years to "get this thing done" and try to be reunited with my twin soul. I've told myself to be with no one else. I stayed alone and single pretty much this whole time. I only made love one time and that was with James last year when somehow he was able to come back. We made love and then he dis-a-fucking-ppeared again. He appeared and then he "dis" appeared and while I know this has to do still with energy and this process and all that- it still almost killed me to have him back in my arms again, inside my heart and my body, and then to be gone. Nearly killed me. Because I love him with all my heart and all I want is him back in my life so to have a brief yet intense taste of him and his love and then nothing, oh my God that hurt so much.
I am only so fucking strong.
Still I fought. In thinking about all this I can say that any time I thought of "getting a boyfriend" or "dating" it was in response to feeling down or irritated or even scared. Antsy. Antsy is a good word. I'd feel antsy and unsettled and I'd think "I'll date then." But I was always shown not to do so in those situations. And there were other things too- but overall I felt like being with another man while I am separated from my twin soul was very wrong. Like it would keep James from me. Like I was being unfaithful or "letting James go." Giving up. Believe me I am battling this feeling right now- like I've given up.
But see, that is the thing. I have NOT given up. I don't know what to say! This new man, D, I feel like I am love in his life, and he is love in my life. I care about him. He cares about me. He knows all about James. He knows I love James. He can tell it's been a long hard four years. He knows that I cherish James and our connection. I told him I refuse to do anything besides protect James... like protect his memory and his place in my heart. D said he was willing to accept that. He says I am a huge source of joy in his life. I can't help it. I didn't go looking for this. And it IS nice. D IS loving and wonderful to me. I actually like him which I never thought would happen again, and one thing that is VERY important to me is D is a sweetheart. A good man. He genuinely cares about me. He says he loves me and he can't help it. I do love D. I can't help but love him; he's great. But that does not mean I don't love James too because I do. Very much.
I realize that I dreamed about D before I connected with him two weeks ago but in the dream I did not realize it was him. I wrote the dream down and re-read it last week and was like OMFG- it's D I was dreaming about! I dreamed I was making love with a man who was not James and it felt... loving. But still bittersweet because I knew it was not James but I still loved James yet the man in the dream felt like "relationship lovemaking." And I didn't understand it. I woke up thinking... why did I have that dream? Usually if I dream of "sex" it's nasty and feels terrible. This was very different. Only now do I realize the dream was of D. It's all so strange. D and I both have received messages of "Enjoy this gift" and to "Live in the now." To enjoy the moment and not worry about what the future holds. And for me I've been given many signs to have no guilt. To not feel badly or like I'm doing something "wrong." I've been shown that yes my heart feels complicated because I love two men, and one I miss terribly. One I've wished to be my life, my everything, for so long. And I still want James in my life. But I was told to "not despair" and to realize everything serves a purpose.
It is only love. Nothing less. It's intense right now. It is obviously some type of soul connection but it is different than James. It is not "twin soul-ish" and with James... everything was so perfect and just what I needed at that time. I will always cherish how SWEET our time together was. Sweet. We talked for hours. We only kissed for weeks. All those nights of being on my couch wrapped around each other kissing. It was pure and beautiful. I CHERISH that with all of my heart. Nothing can take that truth away from me. James used to come visit me and he'd walk in and hug me and then we'd sit down on my couch and he would smile and touch my face and he'd kiss me like he'd been waiting since the day he was born to kiss me. He'd kiss me and kiss me. But it was just kisses and embraces. Well I'd moan a little because he did turn me on and he is so fucking adorable and handsome and nice to look at and be close to but we kept it kisses. No heavy petting. No grinding. It was sweet and innocent and I love him for giving that to me. I miss James. I miss our sweet relationship and our friendship. I miss our talks and I miss seeing his bright smiling face. I miss how we were two strangers who grew to know each other and fall in love and date and be boyfriend and girlfriend and he was just an angel to me in every way. Every. Single. Thing he did to me and for me was adorable and wonderful and kind and generous. He was every dream I ever had come true. And it absolutely kills me that we do not talk and he is not in my life. I miss him so fucking much. It still hurts. Of course it does.
So no, I have not "given up." I cannot explain this situation. I only know that I felt like I was dying and then suddenly I found myself in the life of a man who also felt like he was dying and we love each other. While I also love James. I'm gonna be frank here too- I am a 44 year-old very passionate loving woman. Staying isolated was becoming very hard. I did try hard. I stayed militantly "faithful" to James for almost four years. He was the only man I really wanted to be with. But it was challenging to say the least, being alone all the time. I did it though, and honestly I had intended to continue. Then D happened. And I am no longer "alone" and I'm not celibate either. I'd think my twin has not been celibate either (I mean come on) and I don't begrudge him having love in his life since I, for whatever reason, was unable to allow him to come back to me. It is nothing I like to think about but I am mature enough to realize we all deserve to be loved and actively have love in our lives... with someone we care about. Um, the thought makes me cry. I want James with ME. But being as mature and strong as I can- he's not here, has not been here, and I can't expect that he's been alone. Unrealistic and wrong for me to wish that at all. That is as far as my brain and heart can go, okay? Because really all I've wanted is to be cuddled up in his arms every night for the last four years. Being apart slays me. All I can think is if I met James face to face again I'd be honest and he'd understand. Because unconditional love understands. It understands ache and pain and loneliness and constantly fighting and fighting to do the right thing. Unconditional love understands how hard it is to be alone without romantic love or companionship for so long, especially all while longing and loving and aching for the person I love and miss dearly. I tell myself he'd understand- if the moment comes when I get my miracle, when James can talk to me openly and HONESTLY and be the caring compassionate man I met and who I know he is- then I won't need to feel ashamed or guilty for allowing myself to be loved by someone else despite how hard I've tried to stay alone and untouched and celibate. I did try. I love James so much- why do you think I chose to be alone all this time?
I have no answers. I don't know how sharing love with another man will affect my union. I refuse to refer to D as my "karmic partner" or "near twin" or any other stupid trite ridiculous label that covers pretty much the one title of "soul mate." He's my soul mate. I can feel it. Soul energy. Lovely. Warm. The kind of energy where a person's physical appearance is not as important as how that person "feels." That is how D is with me- he "feels" good. It's not of this world, and even he knows this. IF I manifested D- I did it without realizing it. I only know that whatever it is- it is GOOD. A blessing. A reprieve for both of us. I'm being as conscious as I can of being an "aware manifestor" about this situation with D. He's kind and generous with me (like James was when James was allowed to be his gentle loving self only with me) and I am working to simply say "thank you" and accept a gift. Accept a kind word or gesture, or flowers or a sweet card. Not always the easiest thing for me. I am working to tell God "Thank you for this blessing. I appreciate D and his kind heart and sweet love." Gratitude is what I am shooting for, nothing less. Love is a good thing.
I've had it stressed to me to NOT worry about how this will play out in the future. To enjoy the moment. To be in the now. To "enjoy" my life right now. So I am trying very hard to do so with no guilt. I've been 110% honest and transparent and I will continue to do so. Guilt can be a killer for me so I'm working hard to keep that in check. D knows my heart and my feelings. I'd be fully honest with James if that moment happened... but I guess when you lose contact with a person and you don't talk for like 18 months it all starts to feel... softened, fuzzy. The only part of this situation with James that does not feel any less intense is my love and affection for him and how much I miss him. I still get signs. I still hear songs that speak to me. And last night, dear Lord, D said to me, "You are genuine. It's very real and you can't be any other way can you?" I told him no I cannot be anything other than genuine because I try to have a strong moral code. I am trying to live with honesty and love. But James said the same thing to me one night after we'd talked on the phone for a while, one of our strong reconnect moments. He text me and said, "You are genuine and that is beautiful and rare and I think it is what I love most about you." This was in the midst of some heavy flirting and sweet words and maybe a semi-nude photo or two but instead of telling me how hot I am he chose to tell me how genuine I am. I love that about him but last night with D- it reminded me of James.
My belief is still that James loves me and always has. I guess I just... didn't know what to do anymore. I did not write as much anymore (my manifestation work) because seriously I couldn't do it. I still wrote off and on but not like 25 pages a day which is what I was doing before. Even if it did shift the energy and at times bring James closer to me I was unable to bring myself to keep it up after the silence was continuing for so long. Not because I don't care. Not because James isn't important enough. I just simply could not do it any longer. I love James. I feel he is a wonderful unique special man who has a beautiful and strong connection with me, a connection like no other. And I adore him. I also know he loves me. I feel in my heart that somehow he still misses me and wishes we could be together. I still want to be with him. Nothing can change that. Nothing can change how much I love and adore my twin soul.
Yeah it's a interesting situation. But I am super duper loving. Loving people comes so easy to me and D is a GOOD man. He's not just "someone" I found because I didn't want to be lonely. He's special to me now. We feel like we've known each other forever. He was in such dark despair suffering from the sadness of missing his late wife. But now, with me, he's much happier, brighter, and feels like he wants to live again. I can't question that. I won't. I will only accept it, believe that everything happens for a reason, and take this day by day. Trusting the divine does not come easily to me but in this case all I can say is "Thank you for bringing me a blessing when I felt like I was dying." D is not James. He does not replace James. He doesn't even take away how much I miss James or my sadness. What he does is bring me some much needed joy and happiness as I do for him, and I appreciate that we are able to be good and kind and loving to each other. I'm not giving up. I'm not telling the universe that I am "moving on." I'm going to enjoy this blessing and be thankful and grateful like I've been shown to while at the same time I still cry and miss James and love him and ache to hug him and talk to him again like we used to.
What is love? I'm not sure I can answer that question. I know what love isn't. Love is not fear or anger or spite or negativity. I'm trying to avoid any of these emotions.
I still really love James. I still wish he was here. I'm confused about what has happened in the last week. I always felt that I have to stay very very far away from all other male energy or attention so I don't block or repel my twin. I explained how I met this other person, D. D is... the last man I'd ever think I'd spend time with or love. He is older than me and I wasn't "looking" to be connected with anyone else. As a matter of fact I was avoiding it. Trying to be perfect.
This is totally uncharted territory for me. D is a sweet man, and he's been hurting terribly. I've only been myself with him and (although this seems to silly to say) he thinks I am some kind of angel. His life has been painful for the last two years with his beloved wife suffering and then dying. He's been alone and grieving. Naturally he's a friendly jolly happy man. All I can say is after spending some time together he feels more like himself. I didn't mean for this to happen but I like him, and I know I make him happy. He comes over for dinner, and he invited me and my son to the first cookout he's had in two years. He asked us to shop with him because he said he's forgotten how to live and could use my help with this first shot of getting back on his feet again. PJ and I spent the day with him and his family (including his step-daughters who are his late wife's daughters) and we had a fun time.
The future, even tomorrow, I have no idea. I told D that it scares me because I can only take this day by day. I have no idea how he ended up in my life. But D knows I love James and want to see him again, and that my dream is to be with him. He says he respects the love I have for James. Yesterday his family was highly skeptical of me. He's 54 years-old and he wears his heart on his sleeve and his wife has not been gone for very long (although she was sick for an extended period) and he's obviously vulnerable. They wanted to know- what do I want from him? What am I after? Nothing. I didn't go looking for him. He initiated and kinda shocked both of us. I have my own career, my own money, and I can buy myself whatever I may want or need. But some things in life money cannot buy. If I did not like D I would not spend time with him. If I wasn't drawn to him or attracted to him I might help him (like make him some meals) but I wouldn't cuddle with him or be affectionate; it takes a lot for me to share affection with someone. I protect the Hell out of myself and my emotions and I don't let many people too close to me. I don't connect with most men that way. James was the last man I made love with. James is really the only man I've wanted to touch me in these last four years. What I am trying to say is if I am going to share my time with a person then it's going to be because I WANT to, because I am drawn to that person, because I feel safe and good with that person. That is how I felt about James, and I've always WANTED to me with James again. It hurts so so so bad to ache for this one person day in and day out. I honestly thought it could never ever feel good or right to kiss or touch another man. But with D it feels... safe and good. With James it felt perfect though- and I still miss that perfect connection with James.
D knows though. He knows I don't want to discuss a future with him. He says he understands totally. Last night when we were talking I brought this up again because by the end of the party yesterday his family was way more comfortable with me and my son. They realize I have a great career, am fiercely independent, I am used to taking care of myself and am not even comfortable having it any other way, and I helped all day. It's obvious he's been depressed, and it's obvious he had a very sick wife he was taking care of- his house needs some TLC. Since I had the opportunity while I was helping cut up veggies and preparing food for the cookout I made sure to "wash up" a bit in his kitchen, wiping counters, throwing some crap away, straightening, piled up some stuff to get it out of the way so I could reach some surfaces that need to be wiped down. I opened up some windows that probably haven't been opened in a while and I noticed there are many other things he could use some help with. I helped clean up when we were all done eating. That's ME. It is my nature to be the "helper" and the domestic one. His family saw me in their "mom's" kitchen and it was hard but I am a super nice person so by the end of the night they said they felt their dad is safe with me and they are happy he has some happiness in his life instead of only being in pain day in and day out.
And MY GOD do I know how that feels. D knows I'm hurting. He can tell. But in no way did I want to compare my pain to his- he lost his wife who he loves dearly and was married to for 20 years. But last night I said- hey what's going to happen if your family likes me and you love me and then we can only be friends? I'll always care for you but it would be different- what happens then? He said he knew what he was getting into because I told him, clearly. He knows I love James. He knows how I feel, who I want to have as my future (as early as tomorrow if possible) but he also realizes that I care about him too and I like that he's happy and I like helping him- and I like how it feels when he hugs me, and I have not had that for a long time.
D said to me something that made me sob, and I don't normally cry around men. D has cried a bunch of times because he's got lots of emotions he's processing which I understand and I'm very compassionate- I know he misses his wife. My heart goes out to him. But he asked me "Are you happy?" I smiled and told him yes I am happy. But I am also sad. I can't lie or hide how I feel. I said I'm happy to spend time with D; he's so sweet. But I am sad because it doesn't make me stop missing James or wanting to see him again. D said, "I think it is actually easier for me because she is gone, totally. But for you James is still out there and it's still open and that must hurt bad." And I immediately started crying and said yes, exactly and no one can really understand what it feels like to mourn a person who is still alive, a person who told me he still loves me and always has, a person who said he does want me in his life- but for some reason I have not been able to get him here no matter how much I've loved him and wanted him here with me. I love James. D knows I love James because he says only a woman who is totally completely fully genuinely purely unconditionally in love with a man would try like this for almost four years. He knows I have worries about the "rules" of energy and what might block my chances of ever seeing James again.
But I also know that D brings joy to my life where I've had very little. And it's wearing on me, badly. So I am making the choice to go day by day and "enjoy" him as a blessing while I also help him with some things in his life, and with taking some of his pain away. He said he hurts every day but it's not as bad, and that's good. He's healing. It is a blessing that I can be honest with him about James, fully honest. That way I don't feel like I am being devious or manipulative. If I was not honest with D about how I feel about James, that I love him and still wish for him to be able to be in my life, or even just that I have this man in my heart and on my mind, then I'd feel terrible if I got close to him. I'd feel like I was lying through omission which is not what I want for my life. It's a unique situation since I don't have to hide my love for James or my hope that a miracle can still occur for us. I think D has even googled soul mates and soul energy because we both feel like we've known each other for a very long time and also because he wants to understand the twin soul thing. I told him to please not read about twin souls online because most of the info on the web is shit. But D clearly knows how I feel and what I believe.
D says that if/when this changes we will remain friends, and we will. I would hope that in his future once he is healed enough he might meet someone whose heart is fully available, who is looking to have a future together, so he can have another loving long-term relationship with a good woman. For now I can watch out for him. He hugged me last night and said, "I am so glad I met you like this. If I was ever going to love another woman besides my wife I am glad it is you because you will be careful with me where any other woman could destroy me." He knows I'd never be cruel to him.
To be honest I got no fucking clue what to do with all this. All along I've felt it is wrong in the moments when I've been tempted to be with anyone else besides James. At times I've even been shown a reflection and it has not always been great. So I'm not sure why this feels different to me or if I am ready to just LIVE instead of worrying that I am making the wrong choice. It's not wrong. Loving someone who is hurting and needs to heal and who is sweet (even with no guarantee of a future together) can't be anything but good. I am choosing that it is good. I am so tired of always being worried. Yes I want to have James back with me more than I want anything else in the whole world... but I've loved him and ached for him and wanted him and I cry over him and pine and mourn until it feels like I am going to die. It hurts so much, and no amount of writing in a journal or hearing a song play on the radio is enough to ease my pain.
I still firmly believe James has not been with me due to MY energy and intention. I will always believe that. And I swear to you I've tried so hard to do what I feel I'm supposed to in order to bring him closer to me. I've believed in this twin soul experience 110%, and I still do! I ADORE James. I love him and I miss him so much. I believe him to be a very good man who loved me and still does. I believe when he told me he loves me and wants me in his life. I believe he thinks I'd make the best wife, and he's wanted me to be his wife. But what do you do when you try and try and you can't seem to change it and the sorrow and sadness doesn't allow you to move further in any way? I just don't know. I miss James. I miss James so much. I miss him every day. I want to make James dinner. I want to go to cookouts with James.
I told D flat out, "Don't try to win me over. I already like you plenty. Just be yourself. Don't think you can make me forget about James or want him any less because it won't happen." And I mean that. I only want D to be kind and friendly like he is. He is not James. I don't love him like I love James. It's more of a caring type of love, but I guess I feel guilty because he feels good to kiss- although if I had my choice I'd be kissing James all night long like I used to. I love James and wish he was here. Yep I'm confused but trying to not be scared or feel guilty or wrong. James always told me I'd make the best wife. He said he wanted to marry me. I know he didn't change his mind, and it kills me knowing that despite how much I've loved him and wanted him with me I am still here without him. I will always hope and pray to see James some day. I would love to have him in my life. No one can ever compare to him. Yes I might be able to love other people but I'll never love anyone like I love James.
Bittersweet, let me tell ya. I still miss him every single day.
Holding. I am so overwhelmed right now. I've been tense and unhappy and maybe not in the best mood. I've been finding it difficult to think positive, feeling kind of shitty although I try really hard to focus on my blessings to keep my energy where it should be. And then this past weekend suddenly something's happened that I was not expecting or looking for, at all. I don't have the energy to process it all right now. I can tell you that normally I have an aversion to other men (who are not James.) I want James to touch me. I want James to kiss me. I want James to be the one who holds my hand, who holds me close. And I SWEAR on all things holy that I've tried. Maybe I have not done enough focus work, or writing, or or or. I don't know. But I am tired. I am sad. It is hard to have the inspiration to keep up what used to help shift things when I'm so sad. I have said here over and over (even when people argue with me over it) that I KNOW James is a wonderful person! I know this! It makes me cry! He was so good to me, and I still love him SO much, and all this time what I have really wanted is for him to be here with me, in my life. I've been militantly staying clear of other men. For a little less than four years (four years October 17, 2017 to be exact) I've felt alone. I love James but he's not been here and that has been very hard on me. Because I miss him. I have not felt "tempted" to date anyone or talk to anyone else. One of the reasons why is because with him I felt I was purified. His pure gentle patient love for me showed me, reminded me, of who I truly am and what I deserve and how I need to be loved. I need a very gentle real genuine love. That is James. He was patient with me, and I love that about him so much. So much. He waited for me and showed me what I deserve. He knew all I wanted was to be held, kissed, touched gently... lovemaking, real lovemaking. No fake shit. Nothing but being close, faces close, hands held together, kisses kisses kisses. Lots of kisses. And finally, when the time was right for me, good close loving lovemaking. It was all very real and good and beautiful. I remember that, and I miss him.
Because he was so good to me I've not wanted to "ruin" that or scar it or... what is the word? I did not want to defile the clean beauty of being with him, my perfection, by being close to anyone else, anyone... less. Because he is more. He is an angel to me, that's how I feel. I feel very pure and clean after being with him, and I didn't want to be with anyone else but him so I did my best to stay away from other men. This weekend I was walking home and I stopped to talk to a neighbor I recently met, his wife passed away last spring and I met him for the first time this past 4th of July; we met and he told me about his wife, how much he'd loved her, how happy they were together. He cried when we met that first time, and apologized and I told him not to apologize. I thought it was a beautiful thing, how precious their relationship was- it was a marriage most people ache for and it was obvious he was this really normally happy guy who was hurting badly.
Well- I didn't have my son this weekend. I was coming home from a festival by my house (walking) after having a few beers and, ha, writing in my journal because I DO have the best of intentions. I do. Turns out that despite grieving his wife (who he was deliriously in love with for 20 years) this man has wanted to get to know me better since meeting me. He says I made an impression on him. He invited me in and offered me another beer and we talked for a while and watched "The Arrival" and somewhere in there I stupidly drank another beer (on a totally empty stomach) and he, not knowing that I was getting pretty drunk, was gently touching my arm and I was internally freaking the fuck out! I was shocked because I (naively?) assumed the whole thing with his wife passing away... I just thought he was being friendly in talking with me. So when he stroked my arm I was thinking "I can't let another man touch me like this" while at the same time being totally freaked out because... I didn't mind it. I almost welcomed it, and that scared me most. I normally have a really large aversion to any other man touching me. To have that aversion disappear was startling, and it was not the beer. Then he tried kissing me but I pulled away and said, "I can't, I can't" and he thought I found him unattractive so I tried to explain about being in love with someone, someone who he's never seen me with- all he has seen is this single mother with an adorable child, or maybe an adorable single mother with an adorable child is how he thinks about me. I told him about James. That I love him and I've wished to be with him and I miss him and I told him I believe we are meant to be together so I don't date or have boyfriends.
I'm dying inside right now. I guess he kissed me but I don't remember because... too much alcohol on an empty stomach and I recently dropped about 20 lbs so there is not as much of me to process the beer. I didn't expect to drink that much, and I absolutely 100% did not expect to have this man who lost his wife not long ago try to kiss me. I woke up at home the next morning with The Mother of All Hangovers wondering how I got home. Wondering what I did or said, and that sucks. And it's embarrassing! I wasn't driving. It's not like I was on a "date." I didn't mean for ANY of that to happen. Turns out we kissed for a bit, and apparently I liked it, and then I said I had to go home and he walked me home and made sure I got in the house.
Oh good Lord! So here is this man who hasn't touched another woman in over 20 years besides his wife and I am the first woman he decides he wants to try and kiss. After 20 years and then helping his dying wife through her suffering and now being sad and missing her. And I didn't remember it. I felt horrible, and he's a super nice man. It's obvious he has a huge heart. He asked to take my son and I out for dinner and ice cream and we talked and later he asked if he could kiss me where I would know it, and I said no. Because of James. But honestly I didn't want to say no, and that's a first. That is the first time in four years that I felt like I would really like to kiss someone else simply because I was drawn to him. NOT because I felt sad or lonely or I was frustrated and looking for a distraction. I was not looking for anything. I was walking home and said hi to the neighbor! I expected to go home and spend the evening by myself. I told him no and said, "I really do love this other person. So much." He understood but was sad and I hugged him. But later I was alone and thinking... oh holy shit. How horrible, to kiss someone new for the first time in over 20 years, after losing the person you loved most in the whole world, and I didn't remember it. If I didn't like him at all as more than friends then of course I would not kiss him- you can't force that. But the only reason why I told him no was because I felt like "I'm not supposed to" because I do love James and wish he was with me and it made me sad and didn't feel right so I went over to see him and I did kiss him. And we talked and he said he had the worst day the day before (when I said hi to him) because he was packing up some memorable items of his wife's and it made him terribly sad and he was asking God "how long am I going to feel like I'm dying, help me out please," and then there I was and he's thought of me since meeting me so he made the conscious decision to see what would happen if he tried to get to know me better.
He said he felt like I was supposed to be there. I told him I feel like I am bobbing around in the ocean without a life jacket right now. He knows how I feel about James. I had to be honest with him. I told him about the connection I believe I have with him. I told him I can't really talk about why he's not here but there is one thing I am adamant about and that is I want no negative talk about James; he doesn't deserve it. He's not here to be able to explain himself as to why he's not here and I love him and believe in him so it's the one thing I won't tolerate. He said he understands, and he clearly understands that I love this man no matter what, and that my wish is he could be back with me. I don't remember the words he used to explain it but he said any woman who chooses to stay alone for almost four years because she loves a man who is not in her life must be honestly and truly in love and he respects me for that. He said he knows I want James to come back, and he said he hopes he does come back. But he also asked if I would please... keep him company for now. That he truly likes me and he didn't think he would feel anything again after his wife but he does with me and he's happy for the first time in a long time. He says I bring him joy and he likes being nice to me. Thing is I like him, and I didn't think I could "like" anyone else. But I'd bet my life on one thing, it's that very specific "energy" with him. It's not his appearance; even he has said, "I ask myself what the Hell are you doing with me if you've avoided anyone else for a while?" He said maybe I feel his "love" energy because he is super loving and kind. I don't know what it is but it isn't normal. And I am confused but I know he is in a very sensitive spot, healing, and... I just can't desert him.
Yet I love James and I still wish he was with me, and that is super challenging for me. I had just put James' picture back on my phone before this happened and this man has seen James' face when my phone was on the steps. I can't hide that I love him. I can't lie or be dishonest- and these days I don't even know WHAT to think or do. I try so damn hard to be "perfect" and right and make the best choices and... I just don't know. I don't know what to do. Except take each day at a time. I do love James. I can't help it. I've cried and cried yet this other man is sweet and I care about him. I told him that I am terrified of hurting him because he can't keep me forever; I love someone else who I believe will be with me one day, or at least I pray and wish and hope for that to happen. He said he'd be okay if I hurt him because James comes back, that he hopes I will be with James some day since I obviously love him so much. But that he doesn't care if it hurts then because I bring joy to his life right now.
I have no idea what to do besides just give this one up to the universe and say yes this person feels very good and kind and sweet and how he talks to me and wants to treat me reminds me very much of James and how sweet and kind and good he was to me. I've been lonely and sad for a long time. To be hugged by someone who feels safe and good is undeniably welcome. But I remember that is how it felt to be hugged by James too. I can't help but wish it was James; James is who I truly want. I don't know the effect of honestly caring for someone else for the sake of love and goodness (not out of fear or anger or resentment or boredom, etc.) on a twin soul connection. I just don't know. Uncharted territory for me. I AM still human. I try to do my best. I try to live through loving choices. I did NOT plan for this, and I am not sure if I asked for it somehow and don't realize I did. What I've truly wanted is to hear from James or see James but maybe something in my energy has not allowed that to happen. I will forever only and always believe he wanted to stay with me, and that somewhere, somehow he still loves me. Beyond that I have no freaking idea what to do, and I did not mean for this kind loving sweet hurting man to... look at me like I am some kind of an angel. *holding my head in my hands*
I know. I know. I've adamantly said on my blog that I don't think I should be with anyone else, talk to anyone else, etc. If a man contacts me I cut him off immediately. And then this. I've told James I want him and only him. And I honestly meant it. I love him.
I've been as honest as I can. I am tired, inside and out. I am surprised I am still alive after these four years. One thing I can say is- I feel okay in that this other man is a good man too. Not "less." He is not James, and the one I truly wish for is James. But he is not less. He's a good kind caring person too, as is James. But I cannot help but miss James, still. Nothing and no one could ever replace him in my heart. I miss my sweet scientist. I miss all our politics talk. I miss his love of 80s music. I miss his blue eyes and his sweet kisses and his tender hands and gentle touch. I miss his smile. I miss his soft voice. I miss his walk. I miss... everything about him, don't think I don't miss him. This is not a situation of "Well if he's not going to be with me then why should I be alone?" I've never felt that way. It's not resentment or spite inside of me. Right now I'm actually a little (no a lot) overwhelmed.
Cassady Cayne has an article about being with someone else besides a twin flame. She says that when we do that it is purely out of fear. I can see that if I had dated anyone else throughout these last four years- it may have been a choice made out of fear, frustration, etc. Really I have never wanted to "date" anyone else. I've wanted James. I don't even know how I feel right now- but it's not fear. It's not running off from fear. It's more that this person is hurting and I can tell he's so happy know me. And he feels good when I didn't imagine anyone else could ever again. Is that wrong? Because I feel... sad. Good but still sad because I miss James and love him so much and all I've wanted is him here. It's hard to not know what to do, what is the best choice, "follow my heart" when my heart really wants to be married to James and living with him and him by my side. And I've tried so hard. I've loved James so much, and I've missed him almost to the point of insanity. To where it hurts so deeply that I keen, cry out, am at such a loss. Is it totally hypocritical? I've shared how I feel. I love someone else. But for some crazy fucking reason I do care about this other person. I care that his heart has been broken. He feels good to hug, and kissing him isn't so bad either yet I still love James. I want to walk with James and hold his hand. And I am scared. I am scared that if I genuinely love someone else then I won't see James again. That scares me. We never had an ending. It never ended. And I do still love him with all my heart. I can't stand the thought of not seeing him again or knowing him again. It makes my heart so so so sick that I can't even conceptualize. I love him and he was suddenly gone and I have grieved him, missed him and ached for him ever since.
This person I met, he says he understands totally because if his wife could be with him again he'd be with her in a heartbeat, no matter what. He really really loves his wife but she is gone and I know how much it hurts when someone you love is suddenly gone. It's really hard. It hurts. I figure if anything I can be good to him for a while. He could use someone being good to him considering that he's been through so much suffering, and God knows if there is one thing I do well it is love people. He can tell I love James. He knows I'm definitely not going to be looking elsewhere, beyond knowing him and loving James. I can't even give my heart to him fully. Only partially but it seems my heart is so large that even giving someone part of my heart is more than most people share with each other when they give all of theirs.
Feeling this much aches so deeply. I don't think anyone could understand how I am feeling. There is no word for it. Nothing fits.
If these wings could fly...I'd still fly right to you.
