My Sweetest Friend

I heard the song "Come to Me" again yesterday.  I don't know if it was just an accident or if I was meant to hear it.  It will always remind me of James, always.  Every part of that song speaks to me.  But I think the part that gets me most is:

Come to me my sweetest friend.  Can you feel my heart again?

"My sweetest friend."  I don't think I am eloquent enough to explain how those words make me feel.  James was my friend.  Yes he was my boyfriend for a short time, and my lover for an even shorter time but he was my FRIEND.  I MISS my friend!  I miss my friend so much!  So when I hear that song, those words, it makes my heart melt.

My sweetest friend.  I miss my sweetest friend.  Yes it's been a while.  I know that.  But when you love someone I guess that love lasts forever.  I love hard.  Always have.  And apparently my heart has the capacity to love more than one person at a time.  Because I will always love James, no matter what.

Yeah I know this blog must sound like the ramblings of a really weird woman.  I get it.  I have a boyfriend but MAN at least when I go to sleep at night I know I've been honest and true to my heart.  I was able to express my love for James this whole time, and maybe that might not seem like a lot to anyone else but it is huge for me, to be able to be honest about my love.  I still love him.  And I will always wish that I could see him, talk with him and know him again.

I wish I could hug James again.

Maybe it is the holidays.  I don't know.  I just miss him.  I wish I could see his face.  His beautiful face and gorgeous blue eyes and sweet smile.  I remember his touch.  How when he would lean into kiss me he would place his hand on the side of my face and lean my face into his kiss with a smile.  I can't help it.  I remember, and I miss him.

I've never enjoyed kissing anyone like I enjoyed kissing him.  I have learned that I can love again but my heart will never love like I loved James. 

Twin Soul?  I don't know.  I can't label it.  All I know is no one else has been my full mirror like James, and yeah he showed me a lot of myself that I didn't want to see but I needed to and I do my best to shift around.  But you know what aches?  On a purely human level?  When we met we had both been with people who were not our perfect match.  He'd been hurt a bit too.  And he told me when he met me he'd finally found the woman he had been hoping and wishing for.  We were a perfect fit.  We talked for hours.  We could sit in a room talking, hugging, kissing for hours needing nothing but each other.  No TV.  No cell phones.  Nothing but each other.  We text, called and emailed all the time and never got tired of hearing from each other.  I KNOW that man loved hearing for me.  That is what makes it, to this day, unbelievable.  I KNOW James enjoyed talking with me and knowing me.  I KNOW he loved me.  I know it.  Maybe I had a hard time believing it back then but looking back, I know he loved me dearly.  He thought I was wonderful.  He just really really loved me.  I know that.  Time has passed but I feel like... he must think of me.  Because what we shared was perfection and it never really ended.

I must be fucking stubborn to a fault.  Believe me many days I consider... maybe it's time.  But I just can't.  I can't "let go."  I NEED truth.  I need to speak with James again.  I will finally feel settled when I speak with him and he sounds like the sweet kind thoughtful caring gentle loving peaceful friendly funny generous considerate respectful dear dear man I met, knew and fell in love with.  I swear if I could hear from him, speak with him, and experience that man again- I might be okay.  I need to have that reflection.

If he was my reflection then, then when I had so much shit inside of me that needed to be cleared, why can't he be my reflection now?  I don't want someone else to be my reflection NOW.   James was the one to show me all of THAT, and I have worked so fucking hard to clear myself of the muck and the mud and the darkness and the anger.  I have tried to be SO conscious.  I do my very best to ignore anything negative or low and focus only on the positive, on my blessings, on being loving and kind.  I wish James could pop back into my life and be a reflection of who I am now.

I believe my current boyfriend is my reflection.  That is why he thinks I am so sweet.  But I want James to come back to me and be able to show me that too.  He was my mirror then and I want him to do the same now, now when I am more clear and happy and sound and peaceful and grateful. 

I want my friend back.  Dear God please I want my friend back in my life.  My loving endearing kind gentle wonderful adorable friend.

Come to my my sweetest friend.  I think of you all the time.  I hope you are well and I miss you.

Jennifer

I Should Have Hugged You

Man I still think about James.  Not as often, and it doesn't really hurt like it used to.  Some of that is because my life is super happy right now.  I am fulfilled.  I have a great family, wonderful friends, my son is such a darling, my career is amazing, I'm sewing and drawing and making wonderful stuff and I have a very sweet loving kind boyfriend in my life.  So my life is full, and my mind is full.  I don't think about James as much as I used to.

Then sometimes I hear a song or see something like this and my heart melts. I think back to the last time I saw him when he came to see me.  And it was SO weird, so unreal, so shocking and all of that- I was taken off guard.  I wish I could go back and do it over again.  There are things I would change.  I would have just let him embrace me and not said a word.  Kissed him and owned it.  Kissed him and told God inside that see I knew he's loved me all along and couldn't wait to kiss me again.  I could FEEL his longing for me.  It was there.  And it wasn't a sexual longing but instead a longing to be near me, to hold me again.

If I could do it over I would just sit there and kiss him and hug him, no worries, no doubts, no fears.

And before he left that night I wish I would have hugged him tighter and harder.  I had no idea it was going to be the last time I would see his face in... three years now?  I miss his face.  No matter how good life is, how much love I have in my life, I still miss James' beautiful face. 

I remember he sent me a message once, after being gone for a long time, and he told me he wished he could come back and be "intimate" with me again.  I love that choice of word, intimate.  It's so special, soft and caring.  A cuddle is intimate.  I soft gentle late-night conversation is intimate.  Kissing is intimate.  Foreheads together smiling at each other is intimate. 

Intimate.

Hugging is intimate.

I wish I would have hugged you longer the last time I saw you.

I wish I could hug you again.

I miss your sweet kind smile.

Jen

Memories

I heard this song not long ago and it really made me think.  The words explain my heart.  He sings that we can cheer for those who are with us right now and still think of those who are not with us now.  But one part where he sings that he can't pick up the phone and call right now but will one day, man, that hit me hard.

I wish I was in contact with James.  I will always wish that.  I miss my friend.  I miss talking with him, laughing with him, sharing with him and seeing his smile.  I heard another song today, one that really reminds me, and I have not heard it in a long time so it grabbed my attention.  And I cried which I rarely do over this situation any longer.

My life is super happy, as I've said.  I honestly try to live my best life.  I've learned to always lean towards being loving, kind, grateful and positive as often as possible, if not always.  Life flows a lot smoother that way.  We leave for Disney World Sunday morning.  I am SO blessed, and I realize this and I am thankful for it, truly.

The other night my boyfriend Dave and I were together when my friend Lori text me.  Lori is my "twin soul" friend who I've known for about 5 years now.  We've walked this path together, thank God.  She is like me, super independent, strong, happy, loving, has a great life.  But she still gets signs of her twin soul.  And she still loves him.  So sometimes we reach out to each other when the signs are strong, or we have a dream, or just those times when our hearts might ache a little more than others.

Dave asked me, "Is everything okay?" and I told him yes, that it was Lori texting me.  And we began talking about James.  I told Dave I know I have not said anything about James in a long time, and that's because Dave is SO good to me so I feel like I should just keep it to myself, but that it's still there.  Dave is such an amazing man.  He again told me if someday I were to see James again he understands all of it, and he agreed from the beginning to understand and respect my heart and feelings.

So I tell myself to live each day like this song- to love, embrace, accept, enjoy and be grateful for all the love I have in my life right now.  But at the same time allow myself the dream of seeing James again.  I still think about him every day.  I get frustrated because I know what was true for us: he loved me greatly, and that love never ended.  I know it might seem crazy but I remember after allllll the time that passed, all the weirdness that happened, months in almost years of quiet and STILL he reached out to me and told me that I was right, he loved me and always had.  I knew that, and I still believe it now.;

My prayer is one day one of those "miracles" happen where somehow my heart, my thoughts, my intentions, my energy are clear and aligned to a point where James can reach out to me.  I kinda gave up trying to reach out "in real life."  I know that doesn't work unless things are aligned, and I guess I just... I dunno.  I have more faith that he'll reach out on his own when/if that times comes.  I have hope that one day it will happen.

This song "Memories" though, wow.  It is exactly how I feel.  I can't help but miss him.  I still do. 

Jen

What I'm Doing Now

This is my art.  For years I've always loved colorful fun paintings of women's faces.  I would try to draw and UGH it looked horrid.  I chalked it up to not having much skill in drawing.  But then one day I saw a book at the art store called "Drawing Beautiful Faces" so I bought it and started practicing and found that I love drawing ladies' faces but in a very whimsical fantastical way.  The book and also a Youtube video taught me how to chart where the features should be placed on the face.  That helped a lot!

I don't like drawing bodies or clothes so I avoid that, just faces is what appeals to me.  And some little fun animals.  I have more art supplies that JoAnn's and Michael's combined so there is no lack of stuff in my house to keep me busy.  I'm also making art journals and I hope by this time next year to do selling my stuff in art shows. 

It helps keep me busy and my mind in the right place.

I love Halloween and have decided to sell my art under the name "One Salty Witch."

Although this one is sassy as well as salty.

 

Yes I still think about James.  I've written on and off about him here, and I still have one really good female "twin soul friend" I met about 5 years ago; she and I still believe in our journey and we still chat about the signs we get and the hope that one day we will be able to know these two sweet men again.  It is still very difficult for me to come to terms with because I've never lost anyone close to me before.  I may not have known James for very long but I did get extremely close to him.  When you read about how a twin flame gets very VERY close to you and then is suddenly gone, well that is what happened to me.  It is six years later.  I've had a variety of men I've loved in my life and STILL James made the largest impact on me.  I fell entirely in love with him, and that love has never left me.  I've never gotten over the fact that one day he was in my life, hardcore, and the next *poof* disappeared.  Yes, I still... ache over that loss.  I grieve, in my own private way.

I still miss James a lot.  My heart aches for him.  I think the *only* thing that could ever change that is if he was in my life again, if I knew him again like I did when we met.  THEN my heart would feel better.  Until that day I will have this yearning.  I've never ever believed that if it "hurts" then it is a bad thing.  I don't feel that we can help how our hearts feel, our emotions, especially when coming from the place of deeply loving someone who is no longer in your life, are not really controllable.

I do spend time here and there reminding myself of our good times.  I DEFINITELY enjoy the life I am living right now.  I make sure to enjoy every day and love dearly those people who are in my life.  I don't take that for granted while longing for something I don't have.  I love, respect and enjoy what I do have but at the same time I also still wish to know James again.  I want to talk to him, like sit down and just have a normal real honest conversation with him.  It's always felt so abnormal when that stopped happening.  It always will feel "wrong" to me, abnormal, "not of this world."  I hope one day that changes and I hear from him and we can meet and hug and talk like two people who care about each other.  I still hope and pray for that miracle to happen.

I'll always believe James is a special soul connection to me, definitely the strongest soul connection I've had.  Whether I label it a twin soul or twin flame or whatever- doesn't really matter.  It is more the connection I know we had where I would think something and he would know it, and all the rest of the magic we shared.  Like... how can someone I was that close with physically, emotionally and even energetically be just gone?  I really hope one day to get the affirmation I long for, to have him back in my life, to know he's that special connection, the one that never breaks, the one that can always somehow someway come back. 

Reunion.  I want that.  Re-union.  We had union and I want it back.  

I still love him and miss him dearly. I think that's why my ladies have a wistful look.  At the same time I really do stay full of positive loving energy, as much as I can!  I do love my life a lot.  I just wish James could be part of it.

xxoo

Jen

Happy Birthday!

Today is James' birthday.   I wish him a very happy, joyous, peaceful birthday spent with those he loves. It has been a while since we met and I realize how weird it seems that I'm here after all these years but no one has had more impact on me than him so here I am.

Happy birthday. Thank you for being my twin soul. No matter where you are right now I will love you forever for all you've done for me. I hope you have a wonderful birthday 

Xoxo

Jennifer 

Find Me

This song.

"It's taken losing you to know."

I've learned so much since losing you.  I never imagined I would love a man like I love you, although I was shown.  I had the song in my head before I met you.  The one that showed me I was going to meet a love that I could not get over, one I could not let go of.  I was shown, and while at that time I didn't understand it soon became clear. 

I've come to love again.  Because my heart is large and open.  But you are not replaceable.  No matter how sweet this new love is, what a blessing it is, it does not replace how I feel for you.

You are irreplaceable to me.

I didn't know how magical it would be.  I was shown, yes, but I didn't understand and oh how I wish I had understood!  I wish!

The day I met you in person my fortune cookie told me I was lucky enough to ask and blessed enough to receive.  It also told me my energy is magnetic but to be careful because I could also repel.  And then you came to me, my gift.

I miss you.

I will love you forever.

You told me it was not goodbye but until next time.  I still wish hope and pray to see you and talk with you again.  I an only continue to hope that one day my wishes come true.

I am an admitted endlessly hopeful bright shining love.  A stubborn love.  And I will always love you. 

xxoo honey

Twin Soul Stuff

This is a great song.  There are a lot of songs that remind me of James or my "twin soul" experience with him.  I see that people find my blog.  I don't want anyone to be disheartned when they learn I am not "with my twin soul."  I do have a good life but I remember four years ago thinking if I could not be with James then I would not be happy and that's not the case.  I AM very happy.  I am happy and sometimes sad at the very same time.  Sad meaning a heartache.  I carry both emotions inside me at the same time.

I'd like to leave a few reminders here for anyone who might find my blog when searching about twin souls.  Maybe they will help you.

1. Don't let anyone tell you this connection is not about love.  It is ALL about love.  No, it might not be about human relationship but it is about LOVE.  You are free to wish and desire for a love relationship with your twin.  You don't have to feel badly because you can't overcome wanting to be with your twin in a loving romantic relationship.  When we love someone as deeply as we do these soul connections there is no overcoming that longing, that ache, that desire.  You might not have what you want but that doesn't mean you shouldn't want it.
2. Please understand if you are the twin who is on the receiving end of silence, non-response, being blocked on social media or text or IM or FB or whatever it is- this is due to energy and soul, NOT because your twin is rejecting or ignoring you.  
3. Please be darn sure this person is an actual "twin soul" or "twin flame" connection, and only you can know.  How will you know?  Well some big signs are:
4. The other person can read your mind, answers what you are thinking about, knows when you've spoken about him to a friend, is eerily, uncannily and magically psychic with you (even if they don't realize it.)  This is because that person is your 100% mirror, more than anyone else in the world.
5. You experienced the most BEAUTIFUL human connection with this person.  Sometimes like me, very loving and romantic.  You spoke of the future together.  They were so kind, loving, gentle, perfect in every way, loved talking to you to the point where you just wanted to climb inside each other and stay there- and then suddenly one day that person kinda disappears.  Either blocks you, moves away, stops responding, etc.
6. If this happens and you start thinking bad things about them then this person's behavior will start changing toward you when you do hear from them, almost like they become opposite of who they were.  And it's so obvious, so weird, so unreal that it's very hard to believe, accept or swallow.  It doesn't feel like reality.
7. Strong signs.  Songs, seeing their name everywhere, just random signs of every kind.  I've never received more signs than I do about James.  
8. Deep intense personal emotional pain that you can't really express.  Dear Lord.  The pain I felt.  I had to go on a leave from work.  I could barely live.  And I am a strong woman who had suffered some heartbreak before I met him but THIS pain was earth-shattering to me.  Laying on the floor in a ball, keening.  My heart hurt so bad being away from him.  I missed him so very much.  And there was fear there too, scared he just left me, scared my worst fears of being so easily "left behind" had happened with him.  Fear and love mixed together and it all just HURT.  
9. After separation you can think of this person, or speak of them to someone, or blog about them, or whatever- and not long later you will hear from this person and they will almost "act out" or behave like you said or wrote about or thought hard about.  Does this make sense?  Like they can "hear" you and are showing you your own thought/feelings about them.  THIS is mirroring.  Twins are our biggest strongest most inescapable mirrors.  They will show you all of the energies inside of us that need to be overcome.  Some people call these energies our "shadow" or "shadow side" or our "demons."  Strong fears like the fear of not being loveable enough, not being worthy enough, personal doubts about self-worth, etc.  Anger/rage is another.  Doubts in general.  If you doubt that your twin loves you, and if you think your twin is an egotistical mean person for going silent then your twin will reach out to you and "act" like he does not love you, and he won't be very nice about it- because whatever you think about your twin is how he is going to act towards you.
10. In my experience, and from the experiences of others, it seems the feminine energy (which can be housed in a male human) is typically on the receiving end of the silence.  The male energy (again, sometimes housed in a female human) is usually the one who becomes the mirror.  I've never EVER experienced it being a two-way street.  I never experiences us "mirroring each other."  Unless me telling James that I know he is a wonderful person, a good man, a dear human being was my way of truly mirroring his truth.  He was my mirror to show me all of the shit I needed to force myself away from, what I had to overcome.  He showed me my anger until I had to overcome being angry inside.  He showed me my doubts until I had to overcome those doubts.  I had to overcome them to where I NEVER ever spoke of anything doubtful concerning him.  If I ever spoke to anyone about anything doubtful then I'd have that mirrored back to me, and it hurt.  It all originated with ME.  I was the cause and he was stuck being the effect.
11. This experience is guided by higher self.  Always.  And until your energy is right you WILL NOT get what you want.  No matter how you email, text, FB, stalk, beg, plead, etc.  No "human workings" will get a twin flame to do what you want.  They can't even do what THEY want once this all happens.  I truly believe James listened to his soul once separation happened, and he was stuck being my mirror.  I believe he honestly loved me and would have loved being with me, sharing a life with me, and it hurt him and he missed me a lot.  He showed me this when he could.  And looking back at that now, with clear eyes, ached deeply.  I wanted him to be my husband.  I really did.  He would make the best husband, and I loved him so much.  So much.  He was literally my "dream come true" and what I ASKED for, wished for, dreamed for came to me in him.  When you fuck up your own dream come true- it hurts forever.
12. This is important.  IF you are in the middle of this there are ways to make it easier, and I honestly feel there is opportunity for many to reunite with their twin soul IF they can overcome their fears and be so emotionally and spiritually strong in healing their fears and holding onto, affirming, love for their twins.  I do NOT believe that twins "never get together" or don't reunite.  I still feel hopeful that one day my energy will be clear enough, aligned, that I will see James again and experience that truth (love) with him again.  
13. Please love your twin soul.  He/she is going through a lot along with you even if you (and he) don't know it.  My poor twin was such a strong mirror for me.  He did his job well and I know it wasn't easy for him.  I hope he realizes I hold dear to my heart all of my loving memories of him being with me, being kind to me, visiting me, being so patient and kind to me, a true gentleman.  Understanding, gentle and kind.  Respectable, my walking breathing dream come true.  And I still love him dearly.  I'm sure I always will.  He did the most amazing feat for me- he helped heal me of my dark "shadow" energies, and only someone as magnificent and wonderful could have done so.  *sigh*   I may not be with him now but I love him TONS for being my twin soul.  And I miss him too.  I miss my friend.  So remember to be kind inside towards your twin.  They hear and feel your energy towards them so keep it kind.  
14. This is about YOU not them.  Read that 1000 times until you understand.  This is not about what "they need to heal."  Don't do that- it's pure ego.  This has nothing to do with their healing and all to do with yours (if you are on the end of the silence/distance/blocking, etc.)  Not everyone has the same issues I did.  I had anger that was a result of a HUGE fear I had.  I was afraid that a man could "fall in love with me" at first but then for some reason stop loving me ENOUGH, enough.  That he'd love me but not enough to "choose" me forever.  I guess I did not feel worthy enough, and it only happened when I fell HARD in love.  Then all the irrational, gut-wrenching fears would creep up.  I had to learn my worthiness and realize I am irreplaceable, unforgettable and amazing in every way.  Unique and genuine and very very worthy.  I had to learn how to fall in love with myself too, and then I had to learn to believe that my twin had honestly loved me VERY deeply and he had wanted to stay with me (he even told me so many times) but my fears manifested through him because he is my twin soul.  I've known for a long time that this is about me and not James.  He was very emotionally healthy and ready to be in a strong loving committed relationship; he wanted to be married.  He told me, and he showed me that once he knew me he felt *I* could be that person for him, his wife.  *sigh*  So OF COURSE I still miss him.  I feel inside like I miss my husband and that... that makes it very very hard for me to ever consider committing to marriage with anyone else.  I can love my boyfriend, and I do.  I enjoy sharing my life with him.  But James is the one I wanted to marry, and I am not sure I can ever get past that.  THAT is how much of an impact a twin soul makes on our lives.  So if this "person" you think is your twin soul isn't making that much of an impact on you then it might not be your twin soul at all.  And again please do not get sucked into the whole "this is mutual healing" crap teachings.  It is CRAP.  Those of us stuck on the side of the silence are the ones in need of healing (whatever it is we need to heal.)  It is not about them and what they need to get over, overcome, learn, heal, etc.
15. OMG they do not need to know you are twin souls!  It totally doesn't matter at all.  There is nothing you need to teach them or get them to understand.  At all.  And if you try then higher self is just going to make your twin be like, "Okay thanks."
16. When I use the word "heal" please understand something- it is much simpler than you think.  Healing means changing your thinking, changing where you focus your thoughts and energy.  If you can gain charge of your thoughts and focus then you have healed yourself.  When you no longer fret, worry or complain and instead you are very aware of your thoughts, or what you speak, of what you write, and you can OVERCOME thinking about your fears, and when you can IGNORE your worries, and when something crappy happens but you stop yourself from picking up the phone to tell your friend about it and instead you sit down and write out how thankful you are for the delicious coffee you had that morning THEN you are healing.  When you can open a notebook and write deeply about how wonderful YOU are, how beautiful you are, how perfect you are in every single way, how the universe loves you, how YOU love you so so so much, than you are healing.  God I used to loathe myself for no reason.  It is painful to remember how much I was totally incapable of loving myself.  I was not protective of myself and before I met James it was getting worse until I finally stopped the madness, and then I met him.  And since then magically I have learned to truly love, appreciate and be good to myself.  When you get to that place then you are healing.  Overcoming those negative energies is healing.  Being so strong that you choose to not focus on anything negative, no gossip, no discussion crap going on in the world, no reading crap going on in the world and CHOOSING consciously to focus actively (through meditating on it, writing about it, repeating affirmations, etc.) on goodness, love, positive stuff, things you love and are thankful for- that is healing.  "Letting go" of anything crappy and holding on to only what you love is when you are healing.  It does not take chakra work.  You do not need to pay a healer, believe me.  It only takes your own will power.   
17. Healing does not mean being perfect.  It is not vegan unless you love being vegan.  It does not mean exercising unless you want to exercise.  It does not even mean "healing" your vices.  I still drink, and I work on controlling it because I love myself so much that I hate being hungover, and I get sick from drinking even a very little bit these days.  Healing means overcoming negative thoughts and focus and instead focusing on your joys, on what you love, and focusing on enjoying life- and we do not enjoy life when we feel like we MUST do things. I honestly rarely do anything I do not want to do.  I am "selfish" with my time and energy and that's just fine with me.  I live my life to enjoy it, and to be with those people who I love and who love me and who are of my higher good.   
18. Start focusing only on goodness in every area of your life.  Do not focus on what you don't like.  Even if you have to address an issue don't ruminate on it.  Take care of it then move on and focus your energy on something you love.  BREW good magic.  Brew good energy.  Affirm anything loving kind and good about you and your twin.  Only goodness.  That good loving energy goes to them.  When you "brew" truth then you will eventually hear truth from your twin.  But when you brew fear then all you will get from your twin is bad hurtful scary stuff.  TRUTH is LOVE.  Focus on love and you will get love and truth.  Focus on shit and you get the shit.
19. Have hope.  Be loving.  Be good to yourself.  Get enough sleep.  I was emotionally exhausted often and I needed like ten hours of sleep sometimes.  Love yourself and have empathy for yourself.  Cry when you need to- it bring waves of healing to you. This is a challenging painful experience, and my heart goes out to each and every one of you going through it.
20. Please avoid psychics.  Many will take your money.  And the kicker is many psychics truly are open to spirit and all they tell you is whatever you are thinking of when you call.  YOU may want to know "truth" about your situation but if you are focused on doubts or fears then that psychic that you are paying 7.99 a minute is going to tell you exactly what you fear as if it was your truth.  And it will set you back so so so much with fear.  I would strongly suggest not calling psychics, especially if you are in any emotional distress, fear, doubt, etc.
21. NEVER lie to your twin.  NEVER.  This is because since it is a psychic spiritual connection he will always know the truth.  You can't hide anything from a twin because spirit will work through them to call you out.  Somehow, even from wherever they are, they always know.  So you gotta be brave enough to be honest and transparent with them at all times.  If you have a secret doubt about something that you are hiding they might just bring it to light, ask you about it, etc. and please don't lie.  A REAL twin soul/twin flame will love you no matter what you see as flaws, vices, etc.  So even if you bare your dirtiest secret to them (or they drag it out of you) they won't judge you (just make sure your energy concerning them is also kind so you can receive a kind interaction from them.) 
22. Pay attention to your signs and guidance!  If you are ready to call a friend to vent about your twin and the phone call ends suddenly then take that as a sign.  Don't call back!  When you discuss something you strengthen it.   I don't know how many times this stuff happened to me and I stubbornly didn't listen.  Try to learn from my mistakes!  There were times I'd be venting in my journal (nothing good) and a new pen would suddenly stop writing.  I realize now it was my higher self trying to stop me from creating more crap for myself.  Because when I write something down it often comes to me somehow.  Same with speaking it out loud. 
23. Lastly, and this is one no one likes to hear, when you are ready, when you've cleared your heart and lifted your energy and "healed" yourself from negativity, and when you are living more from a place of love than anything else, you CAN share love again with someone besides your twin flame.  I remember thinking I could NEVER ever love anyone again.  But I have, and I do.  But this can't happen until your energy is ready, loving, kind, forgiving, positive, hopeful, etc.  If you open your heart to love someone else please understand this does not mean you stop loving your twin soul.  I had to make a choice.  I had to choose between "letting go" of my hope to ever see James so I could commit myself fully to another man.  I could not do that, not in a way where I could look a man in the eye and say, "There is no one else for me but you."  I knew if I told another man, "I'll never want anyone but you since I've met you" or "I've never loved anyone as much as I love you" that I would be lying, and I can't handle lying.  Always know whatever you speak out loud becomes "reality" in this experience.  Maybe someone asks you, "Is there anyone special in your life?" and you have not admitted to anyone that you have this secret love for your twin.  Best thing to say is, "I'm not really dating anyone right now but yes there is someone I love dearly."  And if they press you, and if you are not comfy to talk more then just say, "I'd really rather not talk about it, thank you."  But don't day anything like, "Nope, there's no one special in my life."  Because that will stay your reality.  That is why when I met Dave and realized he "liked" me and was hoping I might want to be romantic with him I immediately told him my truth.  That was I told him I was in love with a man who wasn't here in my life, and I would always love him, and I would always want to see him again if the chance arose, and for that reason I stay alone.  He asked me to let him love me anyway.  And here we are.  But I don't think I could have been in a relationship if I would have had to lie or hide my love for James.  I guess God brought me a man who would understand.  So just try to be honest.  If you want to enter into a relationship, one not with your twin, to escape the twin experience then you are definitely not ready; that would be running.  I only feel like I was not a runner being with my boyfriend because I did not go looking for him.  I was not hoping to meet someone else.  I was militantly following my singledom, praying for James, and I was kinda lead to Dave.  And I hold love for both of them in my heart.  When you are in this place then that is when you may be able to love again.  Even if it won't ever be the same type of love or connection you have with your twin. It's okay.  Bittersweet but okay.    

It aches still though.  I look back and wonder what if I had ONLY sent him good loving kind energy?  What if I had affirmed only goodness?  What if I had told the universe from the start how happy I was to have James in my life?  That I know he loves me entirely and wants to be my husband forever?  That he loves being here with me and I am all he wants, and he's wonderful, and kind and good and I am so thankful?  Then he would still be here with me because I would have focused on love instead of fear and doubt.  Wherever you are in your journey try focusing only on the goodness and love, and see what happens.  It can truly make miracles come to you with your twin.  It will make miracles happen to you in life.  YOU ARE ALL STRONG MANIFESTORS and you will bring to you whatever you are focused most on.


I wish you all the best.  It gets better, less painful, once you start pushing out the bad energy and only focusing on the good.  I am not in a lot of pain like I was before.  The only "less than wonderful" energy I have is heartache because I love James and I miss him; I miss my friend who did so much for me even if he has no idea.  I know what he did for me and that's all that matters to me.

What If?

I heard this song the other day and was like, "Wow there's my life!" 

I only speak about James with one person, my friend Lori who also has a twin soul.  She and I met like 5 years ago online and still keep in touch.  She is a good friend to me, and it keeps me sane.

I keep getting a telemarketer call.  I answer (it comes up as different numbers) and a man's voice says, "Hi!  This is James..."  *sigh* 

Yes.  Yes I still love him.  Yes I still think of him.  Some of you may wonder, "Why doesn't she just contact him?"  I have.  From time to time I'll text him.  What most people don't understand is just because we reach out to a twin soul doesn't mean we will get a response.  It KILLS most people when this happens; we feel rejected.  We feel dismissed.  But in reality is has to do with energy, intention, etc.  I finally got used to it and I no longer feel like I am being ignored.  I realized a few years ago that if my energy is not inviting a response (EVEN if my words are invited a response) then my energy will trump my words and I won't hear anything.  In the past only when my energy was aligned would I hear from him.  Most people refuse to accept this and continue to get butt hurt when they don't get a near instant reply from their twins.

As always my life is super blessed.  I have loads to be thankful for.  I live a truly magical life.  As long as I keep my energy positive and focus on what I love then goodness comes to me.  I write out my affirmations if not daily then routinely.  It's good to have an "energy routine."  I know this and I try to follow it.  I avoid anything that will instill negativity in me.  This means I avoid anything to do with politics.  Discussing tRump can ignite anger in me in a heartbeat so I refuse to talk about the man.  Stealing women's rights to bodily autonomy away is also a topic that enrages me, and since there is not much about it I can do on a public level (unless there was a protest I could attend which I would) I avoid discussing the topic because the energy it brews inside of me isn't good. 

My point is- I really try hard to "protect" my energy, to keep it clean and upbeat and focused on goodness.  This accelerates my manifestation of "good stuff."  Then things I desire come to me quickly.  It is like magic, and I appreciate it and I also am aware of it.  I attempt to be careful of what I want because it will come to me.  I wanted a luxury car and got a beautiful (affordable) Cadillac right away.  I wanted to reorganize my finances and I got refinanced at a 3.8% home loan.  I'm not bragging but I AM thankful.  Work flows smoothly.  Everything always works out for me.  I am super blessed.  And for this reason I am watchful of my energy.  Those of you who have twin souls please be aware of this.  We are ALL powerful manifestors.

I still believe in my heart that one day I am going to hear from James again.  I will leave the deets up to the universe.  I'll just throw that loving intention out there and wait, hopefully, for the day when it happens.  I do have a boyfriend who loves me dearly.  But he knows how I feel.  At least I've been honest.  I can't help the fact that I still love James, and that I miss him, and I still want to talk to him or know him again.  I remember the wonderful time I spent with James.  And it's hard for me to explain but the connection I had with James was unlike any other, and that refuses to leave me.  Knowing him was SO exciting and fun, exhilarating.  He was exactly what I asked for, everything I ever wanted in a man.  Seriously.  I could kiss him for hours and be content.  And we would talk for hours and never get tired of talking.  We looked forward to talking to each other. 

What can I say?  I miss my friend.

Yes, we can love again.  I did.  I do love my boyfriend; he's sweet and kind and we are good together.  But I can only take each day at a time, and I may only be able to do that for... for however long we are together.  Maybe that sounds bad to some but I can't bring myself to commit to more.  And he knew that when he met me.  And I cannot help how I feel.  I love them both. 

I am forced to "live for today."  Seriously.  I ENJOY each day as it comes, and I ENJOY what and who I have in my life right now.  I am happy to be in a sweet relationship with someone who loves me so much.  As I've said here before I know I help David heal from the tragic loss of his wife.  I know that my time with Dave has been "for a reason" and... healing for me as well.  I was so so so trying.  I was such a militant little twin soul (as some of you know from this blog.)  I honestly did try so hard, and I stayed very VERY single for four years.  Partially because I thought I "was supposed to" and partially because I could not stomach being with any other man after sharing such a sweet, wonderful, dear, real, genuine and pure love with James.  Dave just kind of happened when I had no intention of sharing my heart with anyone new.  But he needed me, and maybe I needed him.  We get along perfectly fine, not even one argument in almost two years.  We are buddies as well as romantic partners.

But it is still not the same was I felt with James, and damn sometimes that aches.  But instead of fussing over what I don't have I enjoy what I do have.  And I still have my wishes, my heart's longing.  I still love James dearly and I still want to know him again.  So I do both.  I live to enjoy my life to the fullest every day.  I love strongly those dear people I have in my life.  I count my blessings and remember to be thankful for those blessings.  And I also wish to see James again and talk with him and know him.  I keep all of those energies loving and kind and pure in intention. 

I can't deny my heart or ignore how I feel.  I could try blocking it out or forgetting or letting go but I don't think any of that would work for me.  This entire experience has been too life-changing for me.  It had too much of an impact on me.  I went through so much with James and I'll never be content with it being so "open-ended."  Yes I do share love with someone who is here in my life but something tells me that I am still meant to actively love James in my heart.  And that's okay.

Lastly one thing I want to stress to anyone out there who really feels they have a twin soul/twin flame: we are all powerful manifestors.  Even without your twin in your life you are capable of creating and/or attracting to you TONS of wonderful experiences, things and people.  Everything I want comes to me swiftly and easily (because I have not blocked it with resistance.)  The *only* thing I've wanted that has not happened is contact from James, and I chalk that up to the LOADS of resistance I had.  When I wanted a luxury car I had no debilitating fear or doubt about it so it arrived quickly.  Keep this is mind with your own energy. 

TTFN

Jen

Embracing Life

This could have been us when we met.  It looks like us.  

I keep writing here because... it is my secret way to "get it all out."  I do keep a journal at home but this is different because it kinda feels like I am writing to a friend.  I refuse to hide my journal at home.  I've talked with women who don't keep a journal because they are terrified to leave it out because someone might read it.  My journal is sacred to me; it is personal.  "Enter at your own risk" is how I feel.  My boyfriend assures me he won't violate my trust by ever reading my journal.  I try to be mindful of his feelings and keep it put away because he knows I still write about James sometimes.  Not too often but occasionally, especially if something reminds me.

I had a weird experience the other day, and it leaves me with questioning.  I was driving along and the song "I Ran" started playing on the radio.  I noticed it and thought to myself that I had not really written about James in a while, and I basically go about my daily life.  Then I got another sign and it made me wonder like "WTF?"  What am I supposed to be doing?  Am I supposed to just move on and let the past go?  Or is he really this fabled "twin soul" who I am supposed to love and hold close to me no matter what, like not forget, not block out, etc.?  And I just don't know.

I am still grieving the loss of him.  We have no place in our society for the kind of grief I feel about James! His sudden disappearance feels like someone I had fallen in love with, someone in who I thought I may have found my future HUSBAND, has died.  When someone dies we have a funeral, and everyone comes and holds the people who are left behind and says We are so sorry for your loss.  There is closure. That did not happen for me.  I've had to deal with this grief on the inside because it is impossible to fully explain it on the outside in a way that people can understand.  Only I'm left to know how it feels.  He's alive, somewhere out there.  But to me it feels like he's dead.  And I've been given no closure.

Manifestation.  I manifest stuff every day.  I can think of something and it suddenly materializes via another person or an email or just anything.  I can think of a person and that person will immediately call me or text me.  I want to know if I focused a lot on James, good focus, would he one day reach out to me?  Currently if I focus on him I get a shit-ton of signs.  His name pops up everywhere.  Songs start playing that remind me of him, "Sweet Baby James" among others.  But is there ever a time when it goes beyond signs and I can actually hear from HIM again?  What do those signs mean?  Are they simply a reflection of my own thoughts and focus?  Because if so then I DON'T CARE ABOUT THEM.  I don't care unless they show that there is a possibility that one day it will move past signs and I will be able to see him and speak with him again. 

I want that very badly.  No matter how lovely my life is I will always wish I could meet James again and talk with him, openly and freely.  I have not "let go."  It was hared enough for me to "move on" let alone just let it all go.  That was a very emotional and traumatic time for me, those four years.  I am not "over it."  It may seem like it to those people who know me.  I seem fine.  James' name rarely comes up.  If I'm asked I just say, to those I know I can trust, that I do still think about him, love him and I will always hope to see him again.  My boyfriend knows this too although it's, of course, not something we discuss often.  I am understanding that he still grieves his wife, and some days are worse than others, and his Facebook memories are always of her, and his whole past is with her, and most women would be jealous but I am not, at all.  Because he has to be understanding of me, that I still love a man who was in my life and then suddenly wasn't and I've never gotten over him, and I still want to know that man again.  And I do.  I can't help my heart.

There are truths that can cause my pain.  I asked for James and he came to me, or was brought to me.  I had asked for a kind loving man, an affectionate man who would make me a priority in his life, who was intelligent, good to kids and animals, who respected the earth, who was respectful and patient and understanding.  Empathetic and patient.  Gentle and caring.  And then James came into my life and he was EVERY SINGLE ONE of those things I asked for.  I recognized that right away and it kind of freaked me out.  "Spirit" and manifestation and all of that still freaked me out back then.  I didn't realize the power I had to bring good stuff into my life or send it away.  Up until meeting him I'd met some men who were not always patient.  One in particular I had a hard time "quitting" but had to because... he would never have been patient with me. 

But when I met James he was SO patient with me.  It was in such direct contrast to what I'd known.  He was what I asked for, someone who would be patient with me, good to me, who would respect my body, mind and heart.  And I guess what really hurts right now is he truly did all those things.  He was a genuinely good man to me.  And to my child.  He respected my role as a mom.  He was so kind, exactly what every women deserves and I didn't know what to do with that.  I had never been treated so well.  I did not know my worth.  And not knowing my worth created a lot of fears for me.

It bothers me to be able to look back and see all of that truth, to see what I had, I had the PERFECT man for me.  I do love my boyfriend but it's just not the same fit.  It is a "good fit" but not the perfect fit like James.  And I miss my perfect fit.  He told me he is compatitble with 1% of women and I was his "1%."  I know we were good together, and MAN had I been... who I am now- we would have had the absolute best time together.  That hurts.  I still wish I could be with him.  I can't help it.  Even thought I am in a happy relationship... it's like, wanting something really badly- but you can't have the one you want but another is available that is great too, wonderful in many of the same ways, and you can love it too but you'll still always wish for the ONE you WANT most. 

I wish I didn't feel like that but I do.  Even now.  It still aches.  I don't know if that aspect of my life will ever be okay until the day comes when I can sit down and genuinely talk with James again.  I wish I knew if for real I could "bring" that day to me by asking for it enough, focusing, daydreaming, loving James enough on the inside that one day he could just pop into my life again like he would before. 

Make sure to live your life to the fullest, do what makes you happy, but be loving in your thoughts to your twin flame or soulmate at the same time.  I was put into a totally unique situation where I was able to love again because I was able to be honest with the man.  I was able to tell Dave about James, very honestly.  I don't think I could have ever been involved in another romantic relationship while still loving James and HOPING that one day I can meet him again and having to hide that.  I would have felt like I was totally lying.  I would have had to be ready to totally "let go" and fully move on, and I couldn't do that.  So in my case I was able to be honest and it worked out.  Weird, I know.  So I love them both, one physically in my life, one not.

I still get emails from blog readers.  Some are bitter, some fall into ego, some blame their twins, some tell me not to miss James, etc. etc.  We all have to deal with this in our own ways.  I think, though, the best choice for any of us is to try and love through it, no matter what. 

XXOO

Years

It is a strange experience to love someone for so long, with no contact, etc.  And I am a strong sane woman so I chalk it up to being stubborn and willful when it comes to my heart.

I am frustrated because I'm at a point where I could talk to James with no fears.  I'd drop any and all worries of being judged or hiding myself.  I am ME and I'd be ME with no doubts of "Maybe he won't like me" or "I'd better appear as perfect as I can be."  Maybe back then I did not realize I was doing that, fronting, but I was.

Now I'm five years older.  Well five and a half.  I've learned a lot.  I've learned that somehow James was being used to show me that I cannot live like that, that I have to be authentic and real first and foremost with myself, and for myself.  And I am.  Now I accept myself exactly how I am, and I expect others to accept me just the way I am.  I feel I am wonderful, and I attract wonderful people to me. 

I don't want James to be "just" a lesson or someone who showed me these things who is now gone.  You cannot understand how much it kills my heart to wonder if he was only here to show me these things.  And he did a great job.  I now live a much more free and authentic life than I did when I met him.  Am I perfect?  Hells no!  I *still* drink too much even though I try really hard to keep it under control.  It's an ongoing challenge for me.  I just stay "ASAP" which for means "as sober as possible."  Am I ashamed?  Nope.  We all have our challenges.  I am a great mother, good friend, wonderful person, and overall a good human being.  Who has a hard time not craving the rush of those first couple drinks.  What can I say?  I do my best and that's all any of us can do.

I still fucking love you and miss you.  It still aches.  STILL.  I still think about you and remember our time together, our long talks, our laughter, and the way you tenderly touched my face before you would kiss me.  I remember how you spent weeks on my couch just kissing me and holding me, so patient and such a gentleman.  Gentle.  Man.  A gentle dear kind loving person.

I wish it did not still ache like it does when I bring your memory to mind.  I wish I could remember you with only fondness and love but no aching.  But our love never ended- and I've had no resolution to my HEART.  And I miss you.  I miss my friend.

Jennifer

Life

I can't help but wonder how some of you are doing, the people who have reached out to me in the past.  I hope everyone is doing well.

I gotta be honest- sometimes I think about closing this blog down.  Life is so different for me and I have varying thoughts about the "twin flame" experience now that five years have passed.  FIVE YEARS.  Just writing that makes me tear up a little bit because I remember when "the silence" started with James (total non-response, etc.) and I was told (from above not from a human source) he was my "soul twin" and I started googling that term, came upon "twin souls" and realized people had been apart for years and all I could think was... "I can't possibly be apart from him for that long!"  And I've far surpassed two, three, even four years.  Over five years now.

My life is so very different than in was when I met James.  Now I believe FULLY 100% in manifestation and the power of our own individual energy.  I know I "create" the experiences that come to me in my life.  I did not believe that five years ago.  I wanted to believe it but I did not at all understand it.  I'm no "manifestation pro" now but I try to be super aware of what I am focused on at all time.

For example- someone close to me is in a lot of pain right now.  I am so concerned for her but I am reminding myself to tell the universe to HEAL her, that she is perfectly healthy and feels good, that she is happy and whole and loves life in all ways instead of focusing on her pain.  I want her to be healthy so (if we can manifest for others- I think we can but I'm not sure yet erring on the side of caution I'm thinking positive not negative) I need to be focus on her HEALTHY since we create more of what we focus on.

An interesting sidebar- I have this really sweet guy in my life, my boyfriend David.  We are still together.  He still understands and believes in my soul connection with James, and he still respects it.  Our relationship is soooo strange in that way.  I can tell him when I get strong signs, when a wave of sadness about James might come over me, or if I dream about James, etc. and he totally accepts it and respects my heart.  It's not "normal" and I feel very blessed to be in such an honest transparent relationship where I can be honest first and foremost to myself.  If I had to hide my "twin soul experience" from my partner then I'd be living a lie.  I am thankful I can be free and open.

That said last year this time was his late wife's birthday, the first birthday since her passing.  He was an emotional basket case.  So was his family.  Something happened where I felt kinda slighted and I almost reacted badly to it but I tried to remind myself that these were a bunch of grieving people and even though some of them don't like the idea of me- I can understand why, and to suck it up and be a "spiritually mature" person.  A little later he text me something odd.  He said, "Thank you for praying for me today."  WELL- I realized at that moment that I had *not* actually prayed for him.  I had not asked God to help ease Dave's aching heart.  So I stopped what I was doing, around 4 PM, and I took out my journal.  I wrote my prayers out.  I asked God to take some of the emotional pain from Dave, to ease his soul, because he was hurting so very deeply.  Then I went home.

On my way home I didn't know what to expect.  He'd spent the day with his late wife's family celebrating her birthday with a cake and memories.  Last I saw him he was very depressed and quiet.  I got home and he was bright and cheery and like his normal self and I was thinking, "WTF?"  I asked how he was doing and he told me he was doing well, much better than earlier.  He said he'd been to her grave to visit her.  While he was there he "heard" her (not the first time this has happened to him) talk to him and she urged him to stop hurting and to enjoy his life "with the living."  She told him she knew he loves her but he needs to live his life well now that she is gone.  And that made him feel 100% better.

I asked him when he was at her grave and he said around 4 PM.  I am not giving myself "credit" but it really made me wonder if my heavy prayers for his heart to be eased had anything to do with him "hearing her."  Which leads me to this person I love who is ill.

Do our prayers help?  I hope so.  I know I have strong energy and I really would like this person, my sister actually, to feel 100% well and healthy.  She has the sweetest little baby right now and she needs to be healthy and feel good.  So I do hope my strong energy and good intentions for her are sent her way.

I affirm my life almost daily.  Often it's the SOS, lol, every day.  I write the same affirmations often, and life flows smoothly for me.  I have a blessed life.  I can ask for something and it (somehow) comes to me.  More times than not what I've asked for or focused on comes to me without me actually trying.  It's very awesome actually!  As I said I try to be aware.  I try to be careful not to get sucked into any type of negativity.    I can say something and it happens.  Dave is beginning to think I have a "super power."  I told him I would never ever intentionally use my energy for anything other than goodness!  

*sigh*  But five years ago I was totally unconscious about all this.  Currently I realize to NEVER focus on what I do not want... because there is no "Law of Exclusion."  This means the universe does not "exclude" anything we say we don't want.  Basically the universe doesn't respond to the "don't."  All the universe hears is the "I want."  There is only a "Law of Attraction" and this means nothing we think about (even when we desperately do NOT want it) is kept from us.

You know how people preach "The Power of Positivity?"  My take on this is the word "positive" is meant in a very base way.  It means choose the "positive" way of thinking of something instead of the negative.  Here is an example: 

1. I  really hope it does not rain today.  This is "negative" and is just asking for rain.
2. It's going to be great weather today.  This is way more positive and is asking for great weather.

I don't think "staying positive" means being all fine and dandy while enduring a shit storm.  It doesn't mean getting fired from work and finding a way to "think positive" about getting canned.  I do think it means accepting it, not dwelling on the actual firing, and telling yourself, "This will open the door for something better. The bills are paid. Tax money is coming.  Our vacation is already paid for.  The kids are healthy.  Unemployment will cover the house payment. etc."  Is it an easy way to live?  NOPE.  But the more we DWELL on the shit instead of focusing on anything "positive" we can find then we literally are asking the universe to send us more shitty experiences.

So what I do is I just lay it on thick when I affirm my day and then I stay very aware not to say, think or do anything throughout my day that might "undo" or "delete" the goodness I've affirmed.

Ya'll may think this sounds crazy, and that's okay.  I can only tell you that it works.  And five years ago had I read this I would have thought it sounded stupid, unreal and ridiculous.

I was one who felt like this:  "I have a right to be angry!  I have a right to focus on what is upsetting me!"  And I was RIGHT.  I *could* focus on it.  No one was stopping me.  I had the freedom to focus on what I was worried about, or share an experience that was pissing me off,  but at the same time I was still drawing to me more of what I was focusing on, and I had to deal with it since I was the one asking for it.  In the end it would have been better to just shut the fuck up and NOT "indulge" in "But I have the right to feel how I feel!"

Now I know better.  I still falter though.  I get pissed off.  But I grind my teeth and try to focus on something else.  Or I legit tell God, "Yep I am pissed off so help me through it."  Let me make an important distinction though, and THIS is a practice I cannot let go of.  There is a person in my life who I started getting close to.  I would offer her guidance, do nice things for her family, try to help her out, and I felt like we were becoming "good friends."  Then she kind of turned on me and I realized she's not the best person for me to be close to.  So now I am cordial.  When I have to see her I am friendly.  She's also been in pain and I wish her healing- but I refuse to be around her if I absolutely do not have to.  And that is my choice.  I can't help but do this now for people who I feel are not in my highest good to know.  That is how I ensure "I vibe with my tribe."  At the same time I've been reminding myself that "letting go" of any resentment or anger on my part goes along with that.  Separating myself from this person is fine as long as it is with neutrality and well wishes for her.

I wish I would have understood these things when I met James.  I asked for him, and he found his way to me.  I know he's a strong soul contact for me.  Is he my "twin soul?"  I am not sure.  I don't know if we had such a magical connection due to the energy I was "brewing up" before I met him or if he is actually this "twin soul."  I CAN tell you that out of all the men I've met he is really the only one who seemed to be able to totally read my mind, clearly.  I would think something and he'd say it to me.  That telepathic connection has been strong with some but seemed to be strongest with James.

I've asked myself recently if... the "connection" was so strong because I put so so so much energy into it.  I'd like to think he's "special."  That he's this "twin soul."  I know he's definitely a strong energetic connection for me, probably the strongest so far.

But... I can't help but wonder- if *I* stopped thinking of him entirely would it be done?  Would the signs stop?  Would he become a fond memory from my past like a few of the others who had significant connections to me?  Just writing that makes me cry.

I keep holding on because I've loved him so much that... I feel sad at the thought of letting go entirely or totally moving on.  But what if?  If I finally, after five years, let go and stop "trying" and stop thinking and stop hoping that one day I can finally talk with him again- will it all just disappear?

I wish I knew.  I can tell you that when I met James I've never had "magical" coincidences like the fact that we were born in the same hospital at the same time.  We were literally in the same birth area.  He joked that he knew me all the way back then and was probably hitting on me in my bassinet.  He said he waited 40 more years to meet his love again.  NEVER have I experienced something that "coincidental" that grabbed my attention.

Even though I love David- I can't help but be honest- James was, in my eyes, the most perfect for me out of any man I've ever met.  I need to get this out because it aches.  I love David and I am so thankful for him.  I feel blessed that instead of being alone while missing James instead I've been able to share my life with a really sweet loving kind man... while missing James.  This missing James never really stopped.  The emotions tempered with the addition of all this joy in my life.  But sometimes it still hurts.  The contrast can upset me sometimes.  I don't experience with David the same euphoric totally exciting emotions like I did with James.  I don't think I'll experience that with anyone ever besides him.  It's a good solid sweet love with David.  I love him and want the best for him, and I like to be good to him just like he loves being good to me.  But it's just not the same.  And sometimes that makes me sad.

I miss the unique energy I had with James and the intense emotions being with him inspired in me.

I wish I knew if I will ever see James again and have the chance to talk to him.  I still feel like part of my life is incomplete.  And honestly I don't typically focus on any "lack" in my life since I have loads of blessings and I'd rather focus on those.  I'd rather focus on the good wonderful times I shared with James instead of focusing on the fact that he isn't in my life now.  But if I could talk truth with him, meet the man I dated and fell in love with, hug him and talk honestly with him... I'd feel better.  Some kind of resolution.  This still does not feel RIGHT to me since one of the very last things he said to me showed me that he still thinks of me and wanted to talk to me.  That he felt my pain and wished he could ease it.

I still pray for re-connection, reunion I guess.  "Sweet Reunion."

I don't think about it often because it can upset me.  I realize what I did.  I allowed my dream come true to come to me, and then because I did not realize what I was doing I basically made my fears come true.

There is one thing I will always wonder about though.  When I met James it started with something already there that planted a doubt it me, and I've always felt I was being "tested" from the start to see if I would focus on what I wanted and ignore what I did not want.  And to this day I don't understand why it had to be that way.  Like why didn't he just come to me with nothing there that inspired fear in me?  I have to work really hard to not be angry at that, like at spirit.  Back then had I known what I know now I would have focused accordingly and things would have been different- I know it.  But that didn't happen.  And now I'm with a sweet man who really needed me in his life to help start his healing.  Dave has helped me too, immensely.  But I can't imagine what he would be like right now had we not met.  So I don't regret it.

I still feel like there is totally unfinished business with James.  Twin soul or not.  I've NEVER had a relationship, especially one that was true legitimate love, healthy sweet real love, just disappear.  Any man from my past who I shared deep real love with I had "resolution" with or we've been in contact.  A natural "fine" closure to the relationship (for one reason or another.)  Those I understand.  James, it still doesn't seem right.  I still can't accept it.  To be fully deeply in love- I understand he taught me a lot.  I understand that was his "role."  And I love him no matter what.

I've accepted a lot in these five years.  I've FOUGHT through so much fear to hold onto love.  I've overcome a ton of shit, and much of the hard stuff I did with James.  And it does not seem right to me.  I will always wish to know him again.  I miss my friend.  He was so good to me.  We were good together, and I will always be really sorry for not realizing then what I know now.  I focused on so many of the "wrong" things, and I wish I hadn't.  But I learned.  And I am different.  But that doesn't mean it all just disappears.  I still love that man.  And I've had no resolution.  It was not truth.  I just want the truth.  An honest kind real conversation.

If I had one wish granted to me that's what it would be, to hear from James and be able to meet with him and sit and talk like we used to, funny, friendly, honestly, deeply.  Until then no matter how perfect my life is there is still that angst there, and I wish that could change because I don't always like the way it feels yet I'm naturally too fucking stubborn to let it go.  LOVE is just not that easy for me to let go of.  Dammit.

At least I know that I love hard, love through some of the craziest shit ever, love through space and silence.  I guess that says something good for me.

Jen