The Words

I love this song.

I miss you my Love.

A Slight Update

I want to share that I saw James recently but I am going to keep the specifics to myself because it is precious to me. It all just fell into place and my feeling is it was meant to happen. He wanted to see me just like all the times in the past he has wanted to see me and somehow the energy was clear enough to allow it to happen and it was meant to so it did.

We kissed. It was heavenly, just like before. Seeing his sweet face and hearing his gentle voice was like a miracle. And I can only pray there are more miracles to come. I can tell, I know, that he truly loves me as much as I do him.

I already miss him and his sweet kisses. I missed him the moment he had to go and all I want is him back in my life forever. It's all that really matters to me, him and his sweet loving kisses. I just really believe we are meant to be together like we dreamed about. I believe he still wants me to be his future. He misses me and my kisses. I love him more than words can explain and I'm more in love with him than ever. I want his sweet kisses forever!!

I wish for all of us that our wishes soon are fulfilled and all of our dreams come true.

Jennifer

Perfect Love

A friend of mine shared a video with me about dating. It is a woman talking about the dismal state of the dating world. Everyone afraid to admit how they really feel. Commitment-phones. Netflix and "hey let's have casual sex."  Well I watched it and it reminded me of how absolutely lucky I was to meet James. He is the exact opposite of all this woman's video explained. And that reminder hurts. It hurts me deeply because I feel like I no longer have in my life the best man to ever happen to me.

James was so refreshingly different when we dated. He was super excited to meet me and he let me know it. He wanted to talk on the phone, old school. He never one time asked me for a racy photo or said anything suggestive- not even anything like "So what are you wearing?" Instead he was very frank about the fact that he found me to be very beautiful and he was looking forward to meeting me face to face. He was his own kind of sweet flirty that felt safe, clean and fun. And very honest. He told me I was so hot that if we hit it off I'd have to beat him off with sticks. And that he wanted to kiss me and just knew I'd be a great kisser. He had no problem with being open with me but he was not forceful or aggressive or raw. He was sweet and very real.

And when we met he was just as amazing. Blunt but in a good way. He does not best around the bush or hide how he feels. He plays no games whatsoever. He was very honest about the fact that he liked me and was excited to meet me. He asked to hold my hand on our very first date, none of that bullshit of "Oh I can't act like I like her too much." He is just so freaking genuine and honest. 

And he kissed me like a real man but still a gentleman. Intense and definite. No question. Just this deep strong kiss that took my breath away, like he was so sure of the situation. But it also was... respectful. A simple yet effective and powerful miss. A kiss that said, "Oh yeah- I'm so into you."

And I will always love how when he got home he text me thanking me for meeting him, letting me know he really liked me and wanted to see me again. Self-assured. Up front. Clear. No fucking mind games. Telold me to have sweet dreams and said he knew he would.

Said good morning the next day. Never once did he let enough time pass without saying hello that I worried whatsoever. He met me for a second date and very honestly told me he had not been in a relationship for a while but was ready for love. He walked hand in hand with me saying that he loves being in love and feels being in a loving happy relationship or marriage is "the best thing on earth." I remember how freaking cute he looked telling me, "I don't mean to scare you but I'm ready to be in a relationship." 

He was like a dream come true to me. I asked myself if I was dreaming. Was he real? So cute. So smart. So intensely sweet and his kisses were enough to render me speechless. And he actually did what he said he was going to do and followed up and had no issues at all being totally expressive and affectionate. I wasn't sure men like he truly existed but there he was. My dream. 

Out seco d date ended with a good hour of old school making out. Arms around each other barely coming up for air kisses that are my personal heaven. I'll never forget his kisses. He kissed me like he needed to kiss me, like a man I'm the desert needs water. And again with the follow up. Never hesitating to show his happiness over knowing me.

And before our third date he made it clear he wanted me and only me, and he hoped I did not want to date anyone else. He said he wanted to be "exclusive" and would be happy to call me his girlfriend. And I can't explain it but he was so frank and open, exuberant almost and very matter of fact. And from that point forward he always said how lucky he was to have found me and how happy he was to be my boyfriend.

He is perfect love. 

The rest of our time together was the same. Just heavenly. He took every opportunity to hold my hand and kiss me. We definitely spent more time alone kissing and being close and intimate than anything else. If I could I'd spend a majority of my life wrapped up in James kissing him and being close, making love in all different ways. It felt perfect and safe being in his arms. And we kissed a lot. A LOT. He always said I am the world's best kisser. It was like he had to kiss me. We could not go but a few days without seeing each other and we talked every day. Talked so much on the phone and email that when we had the opportunity to be face to face- all he wanted was to have me as close to him as possible. So for the first few weeks all we did when together was sit on my couch and make out like teenagers. And it was the happiest time of my life. How he held me and always made me giggle. Looking into my eyes. I loved how he would come over, always had a little generous thoughtful gift for me or my son, and he would greet me with a smile. Say hello. Hug me. But before long he would smile this knowing grin while taking my face in his hands and he would kiss me and it was like he was saying, "That's it. I need your kisses NOW." And we would just kiss and kiss. I'd get lost in his kisses. Time would disappear. We barely paused to take a breath like we melted together for a while. It was beautiful with hi. Just pure and gentle and genuine and honest and good. 

Perfect love.

He told me he loves me pretty quickly. Very sweet and adorable and I said I love him too. And I felt I'd finally met the man I was looking for, my one and only true love. I wanted a fresh clear clean start with him. He was very real and I wanted it special. That's why I could not get naked with him too soon. I needed to go slowly and he absolutely respected me every step of the way. He cherished me and protected me in all ways. He was always looking out for my feelings. Considerate. And he made sure to tell me time and again how much he loves me and how beautiful and special I am as well as how much he desires me.

Seriously perfection. Irreplaceable perfection and eveything I had ever asked for in a man plus more. More that I did not even realise I needed like his brilliance and passion for science. He is so smart. Free-thinker and progressive and just a dream. 

Oh bad he called me every cute sweet loving adorable pet name in the book. He even called me "dreamboat" some time ago.  Dreamboat, lol! 

He is definitely unique. I love him dearly. I've said this here about 100 times but the care he showed my little son and the respect he has for me as a mother is also incredibly wonderful. I just always really appreciated that he realised me being a good mom is so important and he made time for me when I needed to be a mom. He did not push me to the side until I had a child-free moment. Instead he made seeing me a priority and he came to my home so I was here for my child yet he could still be with me. He always showed me how much he looked forward to seeing me and that he loved my presence.

I miss James with all of my heart. I always ache for him. I feel blessed to have full happy days where I can breathe through that ache and have stuff to ease my mind, like being with friends. Tonight is a very intense night. I wish he was here with me. I need to be in his arms again, close to him. 

I know people advise that we should not say this journey is painful or hard. Well I think it has to do with intention. Most people in this hurt because they feel rejected and dismissed. I hurt simply because I love and miss the love of my life. Life does not feel complete without him in it bad I wish he was in my life again. I can't say I like this path at all. I do not. I wish he could have just stayed and loved me through me working out my doubts and fears like other soul mates do. I don't like the full mirror dynamic whatsoever and I won't fake like I do. I don't like the challenges or triggering or any of it. I just want a happy life with James. I do love him. He is the only thing I love, respect and appreciate about the twin soul experience. Only him. Well and me. I feel differently about myself than I did before. I absolutely do love myself. I have absolute compassion for myself. I've been through copious amounts of Hell in this life and still I ache so bad I cry every day.  I focus on loving ME. Me. And James. I am the one who needs my own love and compassion after all I have been expected to overcome and live through. I've wanted to die way more times than I am comfortable with. Loving myself is my priority while also totally loving James.  I've been through so much pain. I love myself for having been through all this yet I let it make me a more kind loving and compassionate to wards others.

I wish this distance and quiet was gone now. I'm so ready to know James again like I once did. Bubbly friendly totally affectionate and cutely loving James. The best boyfriend ever. I wish we were together again. Kissing and laughing and spending tons of time together sharing and close. Swapping stories. Making love. Dating. Being romantic. Holding hands. Nuzzling noses. Touching each other's faces. Eating dinner together. Being TOGETHER. I'm just so ready to be together with him again, and give me a fucking break- I don't mean just in spirit. I mean with his tongue in my mouth and his hands on my body. Human being stuff. I'm a human being on earth having a human existence and I want my most favorite human back with me. I love love but I'm tired of all things god-related. If this god-thing actually exists then maybe it will hear me when I talk to it since old habits die hard so I still pray to "God," maybe it will hear my plea to have James back with me forever. FOREVER. No more goodbyes ever. Just together, heavenly together. Maybe this God that wants us so happy and peaceful will hear my heart's longing and bring James back to me. Because being with him is all I want, my only really close to my heart dream. To be a family with him and have a child together. Not having that right now and wanting it so badly hurts more than you could possibly imagine. I love him and miss him so much that I'm waking at 3AM each morning and then I can't get back to sleep, and I truly hate it. If there is going to be silence like this then at least let me sleep. I need some peace of mind. I pray for peace of mind. Let me sleep. Calm my heart. Ease my mind. If God really loves us then God should do that for me. 

No one has ever felt better to me than James. I miss him so very much. I wish he was here right now holding me and kissing me able to fully be his sweet loving kind self. I wish I could touch his face gently and smile and kiss him and show him just how much he means to me. I really need to have him here with me forever. 

Perfect love. He is perfect love. 

Awake

Awake~ John Groban

This is a good song.  It, of course, reminds me of James.  I will remember all the love we have shared.

A beautiful and blinding morning
The world outside begins to breathe
See clouds arriving without warning
I need you here to shelter me

And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same

And I know that only time will tell me how
We'll carry on without each other

So keep me awake for every moment
And give us more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

We'll have tomorrow
Wait, you're here right now with me
And all my fears just fall away
When you are all I see

We can't stay like this forever
But I have you here today

And I will remember
I will remember
Remember all the love we shared today

Thank You

Thank You

Okay so I keep writing and posting and taking away.  The reason is because nothing I write feels right.  I don't know why.  I am not quite sure.  The only thing I feel is that I love him and miss him so much that I don't know what to do with myself. I'm confused and feeling a little lost right now. I wish I had a better idea of what I should be doing but this ache I feel takes over. He is all I want.

I feel a lot of thankfulness towards James. I hope whatever he is doing and wherever he is he is happy and well. For some reason it hit me today that it can't always be easy for him in showing me my energy. There is a chance he hurts too. So I wish for his happiness and well-being. I also cannot help but to ask for my ache and my heart to be eased along with whatever he might need. I love him and want him happy. I want us both really very happy.

Jennifer

Fierce Love

"Love has to be fierce, it has to be strong, it has to be worthy of being tested, and endure in battle and its going to stand up to all the forces that are arrayed against it. It takes a lot of strength and courage... And I think that's what Mulder and Scully had."

That is a quote from Frank Spotnitz about my favorite two FBI agents.  I recently had an experience, and I am wondering about it.  Trying to figure out why this is happening.  I was sitting here asking myself- why?  Did I do something specific to manifest this?  I have my own feelings about it and I looked up at my computer screen and saw the above quote.  "Love has to be fierce, it has to be strong, it has to be worthy of being tested, and endure in battle and its going to stand up to all the forces that are arrayed against it. It takes a lot of strength and courage."  I am taking this as a message, an answer, telling me I must continue to be strong and have courage.

I love my James.  I miss my Love.  I will continue to be strong.  We are so meant to be together.

.

"Do That to Me One More Time..."

Do That to Me One More Time

When I was little I used to lay down with my dad before he went to work midnights.  A song would play on the radio, "Muskrat Love," and it has these tiny little twinkling noises in it.  My dad always told me those were tweedle bugs.  LOL.  Captain and Tennille.  My hair used to be cut just like this too, ha!  Back in the days.  Those were the 70s. 

Well this song here explains exactly how I feel about James.  Captain and Tennille's "Do That to Me One More Time."  I can never get enough of a man like you...

How true is that.  Kiss me like that one more time.  Please.  Once in never enough with a man like you.  With a wonderful sweet amazing man.  I heard this song this morning and smiled through some tears.  I would love to have James in my life full-time to kiss and hug and hold and make love with any time I want to.  He always said we'd make love every night and that would be heaven for me.  Being close and intimate with him is my personal heaven.  Kissing him is like kissing an angel.  I could kiss him forever, and his touch is so soft and gentle and adoring.  OMG- it's like he adores me when he makes love to me.  Even just holding my hand feels good with him.  Or being wrapped in his warm strong arms.  I ache to be in his arms each and every day. 

Oh how I miss my sweet love.  Even if we lived together and had to part for the day I'd miss him until I saw him again in the evening.  My heart wants to just camp out in his loving energy 24-7.  I love him so very much.

*sigh*

Jennifer