Forever I've always had these dreams of driving through water and being overcome by the water while in the car. In these dreams nothing bad really happens. In some I would start to become immersed in the water but would then end up flying, no longer in the car. I have not had one for a while but I did two nights ago. I dreamed I was in my car with my mother and we came across some water in the road but once we began crossing over it it became super deep, like a lake. It's a very frightening out-of-control feeling but in this dream we managed control and did not get overtaken. That is all I remember. I don't dream a whole lot right now. My sleep is hard and deep and once in a while I will dream. In the past I've been a vivid dreamer and now I realize my colorful amazing dreams are given to me by Spirit. I LOVE dreams and dreaming, and I am good at analyzing my dreams to figure out the message behind them.
Water equates to emotions in dreams. Odd that I was with my mother in this dream, or maybe not so much odd. Much of my emotional healing is necessary because of my violent past with the child abuse, and much of it was from my mother although now I can look back and see how she suffered too. In my dream we made it across fine, together. I hold no resentment towards my parents who made it through with flying colors. I am free now to just release it all, pass it over to that White Light like in the picture above. Cleanse it, release it. And it feels good to do that.
Along with that is healing the trauma, the triggers and the fear that came along with the years of abuse. Joron is helping with that. But what I have found is that for all of my talking, thinking, journaling, blogging and writing on the forum there is still this part of my that wants to think "He just left me." And that is nonsense. I know he didn't just stop loving me. So this is now my challenge, to remember and trust in his love.
I am thinking the only way I can do this is to consistently write out, remember through processing it through words, the love he showed me when he was here, and imagining with vivid clarity that life we have planned once we reunite. I believe he wants that future. All through our separation, when we would come together on the phone, he would reflect on when we met and our wonderful time together or else he would talk about all the things he wants to do with me {not to me- although we discussed those things too, lol.} Cooking together, wine tasting, golfing. Just being together.
So why do I still get so scared? This is what I am healing now. I see it will take some work, and I am up for it. I might blog it. I might write it in my journal. If you want to read any of it I am unlocking the "Fairy Tale" blog and will write of our love there. This blog is more for sharing with others who might be going through the same thing and they don't need to read all of my love, some of it explicit, smeared all over the page, lol.
I feel much better this I know. More clear and open. I spent a calm weekend seeing a movie with a friend and then cleaning my house, doing all the laundry, and making some meals for the week. That is more clear-headed than I've felt in ages. My son will be so happy to come home and find his room all fixed up with his "guys" {stuffed animals} arranged neatly for him on his bed, and all of his clothes are cleaned and put away, ready for the start of his second year of pre-school. I feel good that I feel good. I do miss my Joron though, and I look forward to when we come together again in love. But I have to realize that he loves me, always has, and that love never quit.
I never fully believed the situation when it was happening, when he told me he was choosing to leave me at the drop of a hat without even saying goodbye to me. Well he did come back and said goodbye but that first day when he got the message about the job in CA. He was on a plane in an instant. He could have waited, could have come over like one would have done in a normal situation. His initial email to me telling me he was leaving me was total utter chaos. It was not calm. It pushed all my fear buttons. He went back and forth, and at one point he even wrote "I'm so glad I'm going to be around California people again." It beat my heart up! I remember thinking- WTF is going on here. He said he hoped we could find a way to be together but then he ended his message with, "It's been great knowing you Rose!"
Then his messages got more frantic when I could not respond {I was training a group of people when I got his message, lol- talk about Spirit using this situation to begin strengthening me!} and he said he needed to hear I love you from me, needed to know I loved him. And it was all just so weird. When he got to CA he couldn't talk to me on the phone the first day because he said it hurt too much, asked me to respect his wishes so we just text and spoke the next day. He was scared to lose me but I told him I was in this- I loved him and wanted a life with him, yet I was terrified. Two weeks later he was "gone." Separation occured. We went from "I can't wait to get you out here to CA- let's look at houses together," to refusing to speak to me. It is totally ridiculous for me to look back at that and doubt in any way, shape or form that it was not totally Spirit orchestrating our separation in order to heal. Again I have no idea what his trials may be. I don't know what he is getting out of this, which buttons are being pushed. It's funny though, if you think of it, because we are each others mirrors, right? Most of the time he has showered me with love mixed in with what my guidance calls the "gentle silence." He is either silent or else he is telling me love. Only when I must see something I really need to heal, like my inner nasty ego, will he be cold or hit me with some kind of crap through Spirit. Mostly he mirrors LOVE to me which shows I am love. He is mirroring my inner state.
So if you look at it from that point of view- I've pretty much always only loved him. What does that say about him if I am mirroring him? I've gotten a lot of shit from people on the SF forum, in my real life and even here on my blog for believing he has no real issues he's dealing with. I've never mirrored any crap to him, never felt the urge to- and if I am not sending him shit then maybe it truly is because I am his mirror and he is pretty clear. I've never ever worried myself with what his issues are, or why he's acting this way. ACTING being the key word here, his role.
That undying love he had is still there- I was just so afraid he didn't love me, so wrapped up in ignoring his love, that the ignoring his love had to be mirrored back to me and it doesn't feel good. If I am not believing the love he is showing me- how do you think that fear will be mirrored back to me? Right- his love is pulled away. He goes silent or dissmissive or apathetic; no more "I love you" little warmth, and he says things to push my buttons like, "I need new friends because these friends are turning into the same ones I had back at home; all we do is golf and drink beer." UGH!!! Talk about pushing every single one of my FEAR buttons! I hated that comment, and that alone shows I have healing to do. Being a non-priority has been a fear of mine and when he would go silent I'd worry that I was not a prioroty {I'd forget all about the healing and instead worry he was blowing me off} and BOOM he shot that fear right at me. Ugh- now I'd much rather realize it is all for healing, that he loves me, and leave it at that!
I hope this is all making sense. They honestly become our fears made manifest. "Nemesis." Nemesis is doubt for me. Doubting his love- and that, man oh man, that doubt, that insecurity, was thrown back in my face so I could heal it, and this was done by him leaving me and shutting me out- forcing me to believe in his love.
We create our own reality through our will. Whatever we Will is what will be because Higher Will gives us what we ask for. When I can finally shift this from the Monster Lessons {which I dislike} to "He's always loved me" and concentrate on making the love a reality instead of the cold silence we've had, then the balance will fall back into place because it means I am healing and the soul merge can happen, leading to reunion.
So this is my priority now. I feel way more at peace, and yes although it is scary with the silence- I know he is definitely my twin soul {and oh how I love him!} and I know he loves me. I have to dig deep and bring that man, the one I was kissing all over a year ago now, back to me where HE is my reality. I want to take what I have learned from these last months and have them cemented cellular inside me, the healing never to leave, but the rest I want to forget. To do this I must concentrate on his love- and YES to all of you LOVE naysayers out there, this means the kissy face, making love, close RELATIONSHIP boyfriend-girlfriend amazing love, divine love {way beyond romantic love} we shared together where when I looked into his eyes I sensed the universe and all the answers to my questions, like he was a pathway, an open door, to my future. I miss those eyes. Thankfully I have our videos, and his voicemails, to remind me. And I have the sound of him from only a few months ago, after a nine week separation, sighing the words "I miss you" into my ear on the phone with such strong feeling that I wanted to reach through and hug him.
We so miss each other. Fear is being healed in me still. Writing it out helps {as you can see from my blog lol!} I think writing it out helps for a lot of us so keep it up, and so will I. Writing, no matter how you do it- doesn't have to be eloquent or perfect or for anyone else to read- somehow is healing. It's a purging process. It leads to emotional healing, and when you write knowing Spirit is with you, guiding you, it releases and brings emotional healing. I think what it does is if your write your TRUTH instead of your fears {and it's much easier to let fear run amuk in your brain than if you are actually concentrating on getting your words out on paper or in a blog or journal, etc.} then it begins to create your TRUTH instead of letting fearful thoughts run the show. I hope that makes sense. Our thoughts often just stream along in the brain all cluttered and chaotic, fearful lies at times. But when we concentrate and process and actually write out our conscious truth then we are "willing" that truth to become real.
He loves me. I love me. God loves me. We will reunite soon. <---- there is my truth!
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