Mirroring Love

I will one day be on the beaches of California kissing my twin soul; this picture could be us.

My twin soul journey has been about love and healing.  I've ignored love for a long time, and I did a great job, stellar, of ignoring Joron's love.  Now this does not mean that I have not or do not love him.  Oh no- I adore him, love every cell in him, every hair on him... every bit of that man I find indescribably loveable.  And he loved me, and loves me, just the same but I ignored that love.  Instead I feared that he didn't love me no matter how often he told me or how much he showed me.  And as was our plan, when I concentrated enough on fear instead of Love BOOM he became the physical manifestation of my fear.  He then went quiet and sent my world into an utter tailspin.

And here I am.  Still loving him entirely.  I've been to Hell and back peeps, and sometimes I feel like I go back to Hell for a visit.  I MISS Joron with everything inside of me.  The more my ego dies the more I love, adore and miss him... and it's killing me inside.  I can't really explain it.  I feel I am finally being emptied of my inner shit and the more empty I am I guess maybe love is moving into those empty places.  But more love means more missing.  I miss my gift.  Although there is no place for regret in a soul journey I can say I wish I would have owned his love when he was in my life.  I wish each of those strangely divinely timed phone conversations we had that I would have just reveled in knowing his love, trusting it, believing it- no matter if we would be plunged into silence the next day.  Instead I FEARED over and over again.  He'd come close, tell me of his love, that he missed me, that he needs me in his life, the I deserve to be treated well now, that he wants to kiss me forever, that he never wants to say goodbye or goodnight... love OOZING from every single word, sigh and OMFG just his overall energy was LOVE and I'd sit there and worry and wonder and plague myself with thoughts of "What the Hell is happening?  Is he tricking me?  Will he disappear again tomorrow?  Is he using me?" when it was blatantly obvious that the man HURTS.  He hurts. 

No I can't say I understand it all.  I can't understand how another human being is used as a human channel for Higher Will to where he will say anything to me that Spirit wants him to.  He will overlook any of my words if Spirit wants him to, and he will forget what he's not meant to remember.  This situation has changed my sense of what is real and what is fiction; truth truly is stranger than fiction.  God/The Divine/The Universe/The Force- whatever you want to label it- it orchestrates my life.  I can now look back over the years and see where Spirit intervened in my life.  It is clear to me that God is strongly strongly evident in the workings of my life.  Still I don't understand how Higher Will, which tells me it is my connection to God, speaks through Joron.  I get stumped and all choked up on how Higher Will orchestrates him to totally "ignore" me, overlook my messages, and "hit" me with... nonsense {shit I really really hate} via email when I am not "listening."  But I guess I don't have to understand it.  I only have to accept it, surrender to it.

Guys, to whoever happens to stumble across this blog post, I. Am. Tired.  Tired.  I miss my twin soul.  I miss his sweet kisses, his glowing face, his soft lips, his glittering eyes, his friendly kind nature, his loving words to me, running my fingers through his hair, cuddling in his arms while talking, gazing at each other until I would shyly look away... I just fucking miss him.  And if I can miss him, totally adore him, after the utter and complete TOTAL fucking BULLSHIT Spirit has channeled through him to me then I'd have to say it's a pretty unconditional love.  My twin soul could gain weight, get sick, lose his job, become destitute- I do not care, I'd love him just the same.  Couldn't walk, couldn't talk- nothing could make me not love him or want him in my life.  After knowing his love, his heart, and seeing how Spirit works through him- I know the real him, and I love that man.  There is nothing Spirit could do to make me not love him, not defend him and I am truly faithful to this union.

But I miss him.  A lot.  It's about all I can write now.  He is kept silent, and it sucks.  Both of our birthdays passed, and remember I met him on my last birthday, with no contact.  I did not email him a happy birthday because I've been shown through Higher Will that it is a moot point, and when I feel Higher Will wants me to not do something 3D and instead concentrate 5D I am trying to listen.  I had good intentions.  I wrote him a letter in my journal but don't think it does not FUCKING break my heart that I didn't sent him a happy birthday email; I'm still human too and I am SAD.  Sad.  I love him and want him back with me.  I don't like being separated from my love.  Yet... there is not much I can do about it when Higher Will is totally in control of our union.

So what am I told?  To write about him with love, to feel his love instead of the lessons that have been given to me.  Many of those lessons have been taught to me through his cold lacking compassion non-kind words, and I hate those words.  I am not to concentrate at all on those words; they are not Joron- they are Higher Will.  Higher Will is the one who sent Joron packing, not Joron's heart.  And I do know this, believe me- the proof has rained down on me but being HUMAN I still ruminate over it when I need to just fully understand and believe in his love.

I am to write of his love, our love, him loving me.  I have to shift the energy balance from IGNORING his love for me to embracing it, writing it out, remembering it, believing in it.  Let go of these last ten months of tough love healing.  But there was also a lot of love mixed in there and I totally ignored the love, only felt the cold.  Only obsessed over his ignoring me even when I knew it was Spirit.  It's ego, I know.

When the lighting struck over my head, almost lighting my ass up, I was writing about us making love.  Ginormous hint.  Before that in response to a message I wrote to him he wrote that I should be writing "romance or some kind of naughty novels."  I write love, romance and passion quite well when I allow myself to feel it, get into the groove.  I know with the lightning strike, with his words of "You should write romance" then telling me I am "like the best girlfriend ever" that I MUST write about our love.

Keep in mind my Higher Will tells me this over and over.  I'm just scared.  It hurts to bring Joron's heart so close.  Remembering his warmth, perfect affection, how well we match and fit together tears my heart to pieces!  He attended my family's Labor Day picnic last year and the thought of being this year, recalling him there with me, eating with me, talking with me, holding my hand by the fire- it is agony.

I have spilled more tears in the last few weeks than I have in the last six months.  My heart feels like butter.  I am empty inside except for love.  Just a pure gut wrenching adoring him missing him loving him aching for him love.  It is a bittersweet blissful pain.  And it is so hard for me to write this but I know his love never changed, never disappeared.  It is still there and he misses me; I think he must be lonely.  I am a good love.  I am his mirror; as sweet as he is- so am I.  A walking ball of love is what I am and he was enamored with me.  It wasn't easy for him to listen, to leave me, and although I don't understand how it happens- I know he is out there loving me.  At night when he climbs into bed he is thinking of me, missing my kisses too.

So I must dive in and simply write about our love, our kisses- that our kisses are missed on both ends.  His song for his life is "Your Kiss Is on My List."  How funny is that?  Coincidence?  I think not.  The song is a total reflection of our situation.

*sigh*  There is not much more for me to say.  He has helped to heal me.  I have tried my best to hold on, to love him through all of the chaos, and it has been chaos.  I understand, appreciate and respect the outcome {healing} but the journey has been HELLISH.  Yet I love him with all my heart, and I am happy that I didn't run, that I listened and was able to see past the "nonsense" and hold his heart close to me.

I write love well.  Time to dig down deep and feel him, write our love.  I'm pretty sure when I write it out, cherish his love instead of ignoring it or fearing it, it will shift the mirror and eventually he will come back to me.  It's all up to Higher Will.  The only thing I can do is listen, try to stay sane, and not cry every tear I have out of my body.  No worries- I am fine.  Taking good care of myself and my son.  Getting my life stuff done but inside, oh inside... my mind, body, heart and soul aches for Joron and his kisses, touch, voice.  I feel like Rose from "Titanic."  Maybe it is melodramatic but I can't see anyone other than my little Atheist Geologist golf-loving adorable twin soul being the one to own my heart.  All I want is him back in my arms again.

And with that it is bed time.  I hope I dream of his sweet kisses.