Joron's mission in our union was to kill my "illness" and save my Light. My mission has been to love him through it... and I've done that pretty much with flying colors.
Oh I have so much I've been through these last few weeks. The twin soul mirroring has been shown to me HARD CORE. For example let me share something with you. I can be a push over. I have been feeling somewhat responsible still for my ex-husband. He still has a bunch of his stuff in my house. I still pay our combined cell phone bill and he never gives me his portion. He is behind on his child support and I don't have it garnished because I don't want to stress him out. My twin soul lives in CA and the thought of moving there with my son has always troubled me a bit because my son's dad is here. It's not a topic I wish to discuss right this moment but I do need to give you a little background for what happened next with Joron. It took me a while to get my divorce papers finalized even though I was the one who filed; I can be a procrastinator big time. A few weeks after they were filed Joron sent me an out of place email, "Did you ever get your divorce finalized? At the time I wasn't sure why he would ask out the blue like that. Now I think it was Spirit kind of mentioning how long it took me. So a week or so ago when Joron was supposedly home {I never know with Spirit anymore} it got to be Friday, the night we were to meet, and he hadn't contacted me. My aunt told me to just go ahead and call him. What was the harm. So I did, and I got to hear his sexy sweet little voice on his voicemail because he didn't answer. I left him a heartfelt message telling him how much I love him and wanted to see him... and I got the shit kicked out of me again.
Oh it gets even better. Life is just a riot right now. A little bit later I was on the phone with the same aunt when the call dropped and I knew I had a response from Joron. Oh did I ever. *whew* This was a hard one ladies and gentlemen. A realllllllyyyy hard one. He wrote some things that I won't repeat out of respect for the man I love, and he was NOT the one who sent this message to me. Yes I do believe his fingers typed the keys {and funny because Joron hates emailing on his phone but Spirit seems to do it well through him} but it was our Higher Will working through him. He said he could not do it, could not be with me, because of my son. Now this is the same son that I KNOW Joron is just in love with. I know it. He said, "I can't deal with his father. I just don't want to, as in ever." Funny thing is my son's dad has never been an issue to Joron before. This was out of the blue.
Hmmm... something about that bothered me. My ex? Spirit has a hard time talking with me about my ex because I've always had a block about him. I know he acted like a douche but I hate being mean about anyone, and I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. But then a few days later my ex showed up at the house to drop off our son after an evening together and he smelled of alcohol. He is not supposed to drink before being with our son, not supposed to drink around him, and he's not to come to the house after he's been drinking. I was not a happy camper. And Joron's message kept troubling me because when they are odd like that it's normally for a reason. Spirit does not spell everything out for me. I am made to figure things out on my own, and I am pretty darn tooting sure that when Joron said he does not want to deal with my son's dad his words were mirroring the fact that I refused to deal with him. I was letting him walk on me, disregard me like he did in our marriage.
So I got that all straightened out. Had a talk with my son's dad. His stuff is getting cleaned out of my home. Our phone bill will be separated, and if he has the money to drink then he has the money to pay child support or else I am garnishing his wages for support. I care about his welfare but I refuse to constantly get my ass kicked by Spirit for those things I am overlooking in life.
And that's it. You may not be able to understand when I say this but I am SO in love with Joron it isn't even funny. I don't completely understand how he is used as a channel but I believe it. I've watched Spirit speak through my son, and others, enough times that I can literally pick out when it is happening. I know it happens. I don't understand what Joron thinks after he writes these things but it's just the strangest experience ever. I know the man I fell in love with, and I miss him. So much. Something about twin souls is totally rare and unexplainable, not of this earth by far. He has sacrificed his love to help heal me, and it has not been fun for either one of us.
What I am doing through it all is just trying to listen and abide. It truly gets to a point where not resisting Higher Will is my best bet. I have a few issues I am working through. The largest issues is with time and some thinking and letting go- I have released the "monster" Joron of the last ten months and all I can think of, long for and ache over with all my heart is my love. Yes, my boyfriend. This mission may be about The Light but I've been told to LOVE him, and I do. Nothing could make me stop loving him. Not a "Go fuck yourself" or any of that nonsense because I know it isn't him. The man with the huge kind heart- he's out there, and he loves me. And I just adore him.
As my ego is tempered, and oh is it being tempered, the soft pliable love in my heart is growing stronger. This last time he was actually supposedly home. I was ignored completely. I have not heard a word since. In the past had this happened I would have lost my ever-loving mind. I would have been so angry at him and Spirit. But not this time. I am taking it as it flows. I know it is for a purpose because I can feel my ego is much much quieter. I KNOW none of this is due to his choice or a lack of love so I'm not freaking out in fear that he doesn't love me. I just know Spirit is pushing me, putting me through the fire because all twin souls as they near closer to reunion are tested hard. I feel I am being pushed and prodded and cleaned out to see how much ego can die. Is it worth it to me? Will I give up? Run off to the arms of another man? Unlearn my lessons?
In a sheer twist of irony I got a text message today from my first soul mate. I wrote about him previously; I was VERY much in love with him and he helped begin my transformation. How funny is this- he moved to my area. Ha! I've always said the only person who could even tempt me would be him and now he's like fifteen minutes away and I find that totally hilarious. We said hello and that was all. He is married and I... well I am very much in faithful love with my twin soul. I feel like there is no other man out there for me besides Joron. I can't explain it but I just love him with everything I have inside of myself. To be touched or kissed by another is not an option for me. I am told Joron is my future and I believe this.
I was told that twin souls get tested deeply near the end, and I feel this is truth. The hardest part for me is I miss my twin soul. It is not a co-dependent clingy "I'm not whole without him" missing. It is "I miss the other half of my singular exact energy." He and I are total mirrors of each other, and I am SO proud and blissful to call Joron my twin soul because if he is my mirror then I am one amazing gal, and really I know I am. I look at myself, loving, kind and wholesome and I can trust the man that I know he is because I am his mirror too. And he is jovial, bouncy, smiling, bright and he has very low ego that allows his strong Higher Will to channel through him. Both of us are good, loving, empathetic and kind people. He is listening to Spirit. I am trying very hard to listen and follow as well. Never before have I loved him with the unconditional deep aching adoration I hold for him in my heart now. It is a dull ache, always there. I just love him so so much.
I am tired and need to get to sleep. I will write more about my feelings and what Spirit has explained to me here soon. But for now just know- no, the union is not about a "relationship" or just love. It is about healing and saving Light, killing ego so our Light can shine. But, at least for me, I am expected to hold on to the love for my twin soul. I am never to think of him as a monster, never to feel he has any intention behind his nonsense words; they are not him but of Spirit to push me, and I adore my little channel. I long for the day I can see his bright smiling face again, and I dreadfully miss his sexy adorable voice. I know all those things sound 3D but I don't care. I've loved him through all of this, and I will never give up on us. I know one day he will be my husband. I pray through and through that the day is soon.
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