Grace

From Wiki: "Divine grace is a theological term present in many religions. It has been defined as the divine influence which operates in humans to regenerate and sanctify, to inspire virtuous impulses, and to impart strength to endure trial and resist temptation;^[1] and as an individual virtue or excellence of divine origin."

"Fortitude"  That is a word that Spirit has given me in the past recently in an effort to tell me to have strength through my trials.  And oh there have been trials but there have been blessings as well.  I feel like Spirit realizes my trials in life, especially in love, and blesses me, has blessed me in the past, in other ways.  In the past I thought I was just "lucky" but now I absolutely see where God's hand, Higher Will blessing me, was the real truth.

Jenna Forest writes about Twin Souls and she is the BEST out there in my opinion.  I've listened to her classes and read her e-book that is all her channeled guidance.  And I'll tell ya what- everything she writes about is what I've been going through.  And she discusses how twin souls push all our emotional fear buttons to clear us out.  She says that sometimes they can appear mean or even vicious because it presses us to face fear and pain, and that is my situation.  And it is Spirit working through them to heal us.

Disappointment sucks; I was afraid of disappointment, very much so.  Now I am healing that.  It is what "The Dance" is, and only the strong will survive.  I read on SF all the time about how people get disappointed, pissed off at their twin soul and at Spirit, so they decide to run off, get a never lover, and ignore their twin soul.  Well we all DO have free will to make that choice, and while it is not the most comfortable thing in the world to ache for a person who isn't here physically, I am waiting here for Joron because I know this is God's missions for me.  To hold out on temptation and worry while final healing is being completed.  This man has been through the wringer too, and I refuse to give up on him.

When twin souls make promises then don't fulfill them, the pain involved in the disappointment is on PURPOSE but from The Divine, not because the twin soul chooses to be an asshat.  Remember when it comes to a twin he/she is being used as a "Divine instrument of God's healing" and sometimes this healing HURTS.  It hurts, plain and simple.  So did Jesus' crucifixion as he was put to death for being Unconditional Love.  If we can LOVE through our disappointment, if we can still be unconditional love, or learn escalated unconditional love FOR the pain, then we are doing it!  We are letting Spirit kill or quiet ego so LOVE can shine through.

Don't you see?  This is why we have to plow through disappointment, and guys- I did just recently have to face the utter most largest disappointment.  He literally told me he was home.  Here.  Twenty minutes from me.  We had the CRAZIEST strangest communication via email {no phone call of course because I think when it gets this strange there has to be a separation and a phone call just won't work- too personal, too hard for Higher Will to work through him on an entire phone call- it's a planned distance to keep it via email.}  For the record I've had Joron say things to me I don't like on the phone as Spirit speaks through him, and I'd much rather have it via email instead of from his sweet voice!  He ended up telling me he wanted to meet me, make love with me, make a baby with me like we had discussed.  And I got stood up.  I was ignored.  And when I didn't listen to my Higher Will he reached out via email on his last day here and hit me hard with something I didn't want to hear... it's tough love through and through and I don't LIKE it but I accept it as part of my healing process.

I am sad.  But before I was MAD.  Back in March when we went through this I lost my freaking mind.  I mother fucked God, Joron and my guidance for weeks inside me.  I would have these violently mean conversations with Joron in my head where I would just tell him the meanest shit.  And a psychic warned me that he could hear everything I think, and my guidance said "inner words wound" but it took me finally hating inner so much, drinking and smoking one weekend and feeling like I wanted to backslide into my old really self-destructive ways {hating myself and life in general} to where Spirit kicked my ass into shape in a heartbeat using Joron as a channel to show me my inner vile.  And it sucked.  And it humbled me like I needed.

I don't love the silence or the harsh messages from Spirit channeled through this man I adore.  But I appreciate the healing.  I don't like that I was told he was home {I still don't know for sure if he was here for real of if Spirit wanted me to think he was here} and then not see him.  Um- it breaks my heart actually.  I am SO sad because I ache to wrap my arms around my poor weary twin soul who I know must feel as I do.  If he was home and was pushed inner not to see me when I know he's wanted to for months then I feel terrible for my sweet twin soul too, neither one of us are feeling great through this silence.  We so badly need to just hug each other, love each other in our own special way, but I am not ANGRY like I was before.  That inner shit isn't in me.  I understand it was for a purpose, to seriously kill my ego.  Jenna talks about this on page 21 of her ebook, and when I recently re-read it I totally read myself and my situation there.

She writes, "There is nothing wrong with disappointment so long as it leads you to healing, always healing, do you see?  So being willing to participate in the emotional clearing will keep you moving towards the soul merge.  As each emotional trigger {hurt} happens you have a CHOICE of how to respond to that trigger.  The pain often forces you to begin searching for answers to ease your pain and also the understand the pain and how it relates to your soul."

That, right there, explains "The Dance" that twin souls go through.  This exquisite and unique dance begins slow with an email that says "Say hi tomorrow" and then nothing comes for weeks.  Then it grows to a loving three-hour long phone call that also is followed with surreal silence.  And then it escalates, once the twin who is like me, on the receiving end of "The Dance" grows in strength until the harsh stuff comes, the tough love, the coldness channeled through the twin.  And then large disappointment can happen, hopes crushed.  And FAITH is expected from us.  Faith and constant unconditional love.

But many don't seem to be able to achieve this, overcoming disappointment, and I know it is hard. It feels like divine trickery but it is not.  I know in my heart, even when I have my own fears, that God loves me and he WILL fulfill the promise he has made me as long as I stay faithful and true.  I can be weak.  I can cry.  I can get mad.  And God will continue to heal me of these things, the fear and pain.  But I love hard.  Always love hard, and my EGO {Easing God Out} is so much quieter.  Spirit has helped me achieve an internal sense of calm and surrender that I didn't believe I could ever achieve.  It is a marvelous blessing.  I MISS Joron.  I adore him!  But I also know his love for me is a reflection of God's love, of my Higher Will residing inside the body of this perfect man, made for me, who is in my life to help Higher Will heal and clear me.

How could I ever walk away from God's love for me?

It is all God's Grace playing out through the Twin Soul union.  I know it is hard to see this when in the midst of such pain and suffering but it's truth.  I chose to take this last large disappointment and try to learn from it.  I am so happy to say, proud of myself, that I felt no anger towards Joron.  A bit of irritation at Spirit and at the situation, and a lot of confusion at first yet only love for my sweet twin soul.  But I'm understanding more and more the purpose behind it was to kill my ego.  I can't be reunited with my twin soul until my inner is all cleared out.  Whew!  My guidance says I have had a "hefty ego."  It's all my walls that have protected my heart, fear.  Fear if being hurt, abandoned, rejected.  And God is working to knock down my walls.

It truly is God's sweet amazing love, but also a tough love that disciplines us, embodied inside our twin souls.  It can hurt but it is for a purpose.

Love them.  Love yourself.  And when you can't take it another moment do what I do: cry your eyes out, pray hard and just say "I love him.  I can't ever stop loving him."  And be damn gentle on yourself for walking this journey while staying in Love, unconditional love.  You are a Warrior- love yourself like God loves you.  I know this is what is meant for us.