I LOVE this!!! He once sent me a photo of the universe and told me "You are made of stardust."
This morning I stopped at McDonald's and my card declined. I just got paid. Immediately I knew, just like my odd message when getting kicked off the forum, that it was my guidance, Spirit, my soul. I got to work, tapped in and asked, "What now I can't get coffee???" I was told, "No I just wanted to get your attention..." And then I was informed of something, told that if I do not do this thing then the ignoring will last forever. Yippee. Fun stuff, right?
Well... yesterday marked the day a year ago that I met Joron online. Today a year ago we spent the entire day emailing each other, getting to know each other. I still have those messages and I read them over a few days ago. I was reminded of just how real, honest, genuine, kind, respectful, emotionally-healthy and loving the man is. He told me he is very empathetic and he loves all people and animals. Just a stand up guy and I fell for him immediately.
Something about all this has been tussling me recently. My guidance is my Higher Self, or "Higher Will" as I am told. I think of it as my soul. We are each taught by our guidance in unique ways. My friend who is in a TS union, her guidance calls her "Dear One" and sounds all angelic, has a soft touch. Mine is very personal. It uses slang although the vocabulary does sound very "angelic mentor" and a bit Yoda-ish. But see- it's also very ME. And it works perfectly with me because it is not very "soft." I can't have a soft soul or else I'll slack. One key way I am taught is through fear. Why? Because fear IS darkness. DARKNESS. And soul wants to rid us of our darkness so soul tries to work us through our fears. Some of us, like myself, hold on to fear. How does soul get me to release my fears...
By shoving them right in my face. For a year my soul told me my fears as if they were real. "You are a horrible mother! You forgot to brush his teeth again. He's going to hate you when he grows up!" Hurtful, hm? Yeah well it's what I thought in my head. "Ohhh you know it was your fault the marriage fell apart, right? You could have tried harder. And that affair? Selfish! It wasn't of soul, and he didn't care about you one bit. You are already forgotten!" Hard I know. I hit my first rock bottom back then. The night I was told, "You were weak in your youth. You could have stopped the abuse but NO you just took it. And yet you complain like you had it soooo rough" I finally cracked, screamed and yelled and had a breakdown telling this energy that NO NO NO it was wrong, not true, I didn't cause that fucking abuse and I couldn't stop it- I was only a child, and then a sad scared young adult. It wasn't my fault. And I screamed that I was done taking this abuse!
At this time I was already a single mom just getting used to being alone, doing it all myself. I was not sleeping, was not eating, was heartbroken and losing my mind. I barely had the energy to bathe and the only thing I did right was mother my child. All my love and energy went to him while I tried to stay alive through whatever was happening to me. The only reason why I didn't lose my job is because it was not in my "soul plan" to do so, and I was protected from above.
It was Hell.
After I finally screamed that I would no longer take the abuse {and I was TERRIFIED of guidance back then! OMG- it's laughable- I felt this strong reverence and total fear of it, like it would crush me like a bug YET I was often insolent too. Go figure, typical Rosie nature to be a fighter, lol!} After I screamed and basically had a psychotic break {I almost passed out from fear- my guidance told me to lift my head because I was literally going unconscious from FEAR} this entity, this energy that would poke me in the back for emphasis, said to me, "FINALLY... finally you stand up to me and tell me to stop abusing you. I was wondering how long you would take my abuse. You don't like what I tell you? Why? It's only what you tell yourself!" Then it got sad. This energy said to me, through my terror, "Rosie... I have loved you for eternity and it has killed me to hurt you like this but it is time for you to no longer be taught by pain and abuse."
So. I was scared. I ran away from what I thought was a demon {my tough love soul in disguise} ignored my guidance until one day a technology problem, failed email, basically saved my life and I knew then that whatever was guiding me was trying to save me from the self-inflicted Hell of my mind. A few months later, couldn't stay away, I sat down, picked up my pendulum and said, "I am NOT afraid of you!" I was told, "Good- you are not supposed to fear me. I am not your parent. I am love, and I love you. Do not revere me. Do not bow to me. I am not to be worshiped. I am your guide, God-energy as are you."
Fast forward two years and here I am. Twin soul union, constantly seeing this totally strong soul of mine orchestrating my life... and there is something in my mind that has been nagging at me. My guidance "hits" me with my fear when I am feeling fearful. It does this so I can see the darkness and stand up to it. And Joron's cold, eerie messages... they feel like MY soul. It's like he does to me exactly what my soul does in hitting me with my fears, and I hate it. It isn't fun but it's effective for me because I am stubborn, had to be to survive my life. If I was not stubborn I'd be dead. I have walls though. And when Joron shows me my fear- it is because he and I do share the very same soul. I know we do. It is the most amazing concept but I totally see it now. This energy that has been trying to clear me up for years is in him as well as me and somehow it works through him to "hit" me with my fear JUST the same way it does via my channeling.
It's ingenious really. And when we kiss each other? We are kissing our soul. It's like I am kissing myself, loving myself, cherishing myself. And when I fear and resent- it backfires in my face immediately.
I am told what to do with this connection, and I can't avoid it any longer so this will be my last post for a while, until I am done. I've been called the runner because I am, well, running. He is not the runner. The Universe separated us, and then Higher Will turned him off. With me he is totally orchestrated by our combined Higher Will. He totally overlooks my emails as if he doesn't even read them... maybe he doesn't even read them. He forgets stuff he's not supposed to remember. He says and writes stuff he's supposed to say to me. The songs I hear- all from Higher Will. His odd messages- Higher Will. The silence- Higher Will. All to make me own truth and face my fears.
I asked about the love. When I get his love- what is it? "His heart."
He is my Twin Soul. We share a soul, and that soul is working through him hardcore to strip me of my fear. I am told I am not fulfilling my mission... and I don't want to be the stubborn faltering twin so I have to commit now.
Just know, as hard as it is to believe, once you meet your TS- life is no longer what you thought it was. Soul CONTROLS life at that point. Do you understand? None of this free will shit- free will isn't what we think. I have free will to choose not to listen to my soul, and I do ignore sometimes. But often, and I don't understand, TS just listen to Higher Will. Joron does. No doubt about it.
I love him, and me. Us, lol. I'm ready for the next step. It's time to move forward.
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