"Lighting Only Hits Once"

This man has saved my life.  That's how I want to start this post.  I'll explain this more later, and in future posts because what I have to share will take more than one long post.  I want to express a few things straight away about my twin soul union.  I have been shown in many many ways that right now, and all through our separation, Joron, for me, is like a walking channel for our Higher Will.  I do believe we share a Higher Will and it is the energy that communicates with me on a daily basis.  I feel he is guided by the same exact energy, and this energy works through him just like my own channeling.  He says things to me that totally echo my guidance, and it's been difficult to grasp and accept but it is true.  I've since learned that {again for me} the silence, strange messages, and promising to come home then never making it or, better even, telling me he is home then ignoring me, is our Higher Will ensuring my ego is getting the shit kicked out of it until ego is very very quiet, demure and sitting in the back of the bus instead of manning the journey.  Our entire relationship right now is surreal but I will say this: I adore him still with all of my heart and every cell of my being.  It's been one wild and at times nightmarish ride but it also, and this is key, has saved my Light and my life.  Higher Will tells me that in this union his mission is to save my Light and ensure it did not dim further or go out entirely {death I take it, getting taken by the darkness} and it is my mission to love him fully throughout the journey, holding on to the truth of who he is {a divine instrument of God's healing} instead of getting scared of the 3D appearance and running off. 

But yes, my adorable little twin soul has saved me from sinking so low that I would end up either with a blade in my hand slitting my wrists one day and oh how effing scary... HOLY SHIT ya'll... talk about a dose of insight.  Eeek.  Oh wow.  Total full-body goosebumps here.  I once wrote a very vivid suicide scene in a story and, *gulp*, the woman's husband who she was told was "gone" but who was still alive though residing in another dimension where he couldn't communicate with her yet she always felt his love still, saved her life right as she was cutting into her wrists.  He could see her through, OMFG, the MIRROR- holy shit!  He could see her only when she was standing in front of a mirror, as she was as she was cutting her wrists.  She had the hot water running and it fogged up the mirror while she was standing at the sink... and as she was cutting he wrote into the mirror from across the dimensions "I love you" and it saved her by stopping her from doing the dirty deed borne of misery and despair.  I wrote this years ago, and my twin soul basically did the same thing for me.  He reached through the dimensions and saved me by making me look in the mirror- and he showed me his love, a love I'd thought was totally gone, which stopped me from eventually killing myself, which I was much closer to doing than I ever realized.

Well now I'm pretty much wiped out after having that realization.  Damn. 

I've had the most incredible and pretty unbelievable few weeks.  Please read along until you hit the lighting strike bit below.  It's actually very divine and shows me clearly that my life is not normal.  I am sharing the continuation of my story as MY story, not as how I see the Twin Soul template.  I think there is a pattern to twin soul unions but all I can do is share my tale and you can take from it what you will.  I have to go back to about two months ago when I last spoke to Joron on the phone in order to recap.  Our conversation ended with me asking him if there was really a future chance for us, a life together, and he said with a smile I could hear, "Yes..."  I said okay, love you and quickly hung up.  That was the last time I spoke with him, and OMG I miss him dreadfully.  Like with all of my heart I miss him.  Like someone took a knife and carved his name into it and the wound stings in a painfully perfect way, never letting me forget his nearness- because his name is literally been etched into my heart.

So what happened after that?  Well I had the debacle of my weekend of drinking, hating and fearing which resulted in Higher Will kicking my ass through Joron with his totally cold, lustful and lacking any emotion e-mails.  Those were not from my baby's heart; they were channeled through our combined Higher Will.

Then things went quiet while I licked my wounds.  Pondered.  Was very much humbled.  I was trying to figure out this journey, wondering how we'd ever come back from this.  It's just so strange yet I can't deny that with every "hit" or every disappointment my ego gets obliterated more and more each time.  And each time I must fight to trust that his love, the "real" love {his heart} from when we talk on the phone and when we dated, is REAL and still burns brightly for me, as brightly as my love burns for him.

Fast forward a few weeks.  I was camping with my son and I prayed hard to hear from Joron, to hear something after the crazy lusty nasty emotionless "nonsense" I'd received from him {that knocked the sobriety and humble pie right into me.}  Joron has very strong desire for me but it is always mixed with a huge dose of love.  Naughty and loving all at once is like heaven for a gal like me but since I always feared I was not loveable, that he didn't love me, what happened is he sent me messages that were lacking in the love and only showed his lust- and  they were frightening.  Spirit's way of ensuring I stopped fearing that he does not love me, by showing me what a lack of love actually looks like.  As we were camping and I prayed, I got a strange "I'm coming home soon and owe it to you to see you" message.  One in which he mentioned "getting a drink" together when it was partially the drinking that got my ass kicked a few weeks prior.  Eventually that ended in "I'm not coming after all due to work but I will be back soon."  I just chuckle but also breathed a sigh of relief... a sigh that showed me just how scared of him I'd actually grown to be through all of the orchestrated messages via Higher Will.  I wasn't ready to see him, and I didn't know what to think or feel really; I've always loved him- but it's been confusing too.

My guidance has been telling me over and over again, pressing me, urging me to write about him with love.  To ignore his "monster" which is Higher Will working through him to hit me with my fears while bringing items to my attention via his strange words.  I was so scared of him when he switched off because his kindness left him.  Yet we'd talk on the phone and he'd be the same man I fell in total head-over-heels in love with.  No one can understand what it is like to talk with my love for hours where he is SO all love again, and then later he's just gone.  You know what it is?  Hell on earth.  A nightmare come true and it fucked with my head and heart pretty badly although this whole time I've tried to listen to my guidance.  So when I was told to really reach in down deep and remember my "gift" and write about him with love, I avoided this and avoided this until FINALLY one day I told myself, "This man is going to have to come back one day.  You don't want to miss him from not listening to Higher Will {my guidance} so just find it in your heart to write about him from the heart."  So one Friday afternoon on my lunch hour I went out to a sweet little area, under a tree near a beautiful pond here on campus.  It is peaceful, serene and I like to write in this area.  It was drizzling but as I was under a tree the shelter kept me dry so I enjoyed the ambiance, nice breeze, cool and pretty, and began writing in my journal.  I wrote to him.  I told him I miss him.  I felt my heart beginning to melt a bit, and my eyes tearing up.  The drizzle was barely registering in the pond but I noticed a small tiny cloud, itsy bitsy, moving over head, like it was settling right over me but there was barely a breeze, no thunder, etc.  I wrote faster telling Joron how I missed our future.  I want our destiny.  This settled into me remembering how beautiful it was to make love to my twin soul... how I never ever want anyone else to share my body besides him, and how we spoke about wanting a child together.  I began really feeling him, seeing him in my mind's eye, above me, making love to me.  I wrote out my dream: making love with Joron with the solid intent to create a baby together {oh be still my beating heart!}  In my mind he was above me, moving inside me, as we gazed into each others eyes.  I could see, and can still see, his baby blues looking deep into my soul... and I began fervently writing in my notebook how I would say to him, "Make a baby with me" while all wrapped around him moving together and loving each other and sharing our DNA- how I want to look into his eyes right at climax, asking him to get me pregnant.

So... I'm ready to write those words, "Make a baby with me," totally feeling him for the first time in a while, my heart opening up and BOOM!!!  A seriously HUGE ginormous explosion of lightning crashed right over my head, and I do mean literally right over my head.  I felt it.  The ignition shook me; my hands were tingling and my head immediately hurt.  My ears were splitting.  I do not exaggerate.  It scared the holy living shit out of me, and I could not ignore the timing.  I swept up my writing and blanket and ran for my car.  In my car I keep a pendulum; I keep one on me at all times now.  My Higher Will told me, oh yeah- don't think it is a coincidence.  Something about finally listening to my Higher Will and really feeling my Beloved's love again was explosive.  And yes I have no doubt the lightning bolt was for me.  There was no other lightning, no thunder, and people on campus were wondering where it came from!  It was out of nowhere, no warning just one big huge boom right as I was ready to tell my love in my head to share his love with me, make a baby together.

It only gets stranger from there.  Prior to this I'd been overcome and written a sweet message to him asking him to come home and see me.  It was loving and kind, telling him we needed to talk and kiss and make love, not sit and have a drink {and I'd already told him I stopped drinking.}  Later on Friday evening while I was at the park with my son I just knew I had a message from Joron, and I did.  It was strange, and it was NOT from "him" but from my Higher Will; I am constantly pushed lately.  The message said he was coming home the following week but he commented on my message and said it "made it harder."  I suppose because I was expressing my emotions for him, and Joron has never once made an issue about me expressing my love.  AND at the end he very specifically said something that got my ire up for a split second.  He said he'd contact me one night and hope I was available to "go for a drink."  Well well well.  I was annoyed for like a minute then took a deep breath and responded nonchalantly- because how does one respond when being pushed by Spirit?  1) Joron knows I am a single mother and can't slip out last minute- he was always very respectful of my mom status and came over all the time to see me. 2) I'd already told him twice I stopped drinking yet here he was pushing the issue on getting a drink.  So odd and not him.

A few days later it got only stranger and believe me when I tell you that in my situation Joron is currently a walking channel for our Higher Will.  I swear I don't even know the last time I actually communicated with the man who stole my heart a year ago.  It has all been Higher Will working through him to kill my ego.  I know I've talked with my Love on the phone, and when he's told me things like "I want to kiss you good night every night and see your face to say I love you every morning" this is truly him- somehow Higher Will turns him back on for a blissful moment and for that time, a few hours, I have my Beloved back.  I miss him so much.

The following Monday I got annoyed and told my guidance "Well I may as well just turn the email off on my phone because I'm tired of checking over and over and he's not contacting me.  If he's going to be home he could at least contact me."  I was feeling pissy and annoyed with my guidance.  I did not turn off my email in the event I heard from him.  I woke to five (5) emails.  They were OFF THE CHARTS strange.

The first time I called a twin soul psychic months ago she told me that her twin soul once told her to go fuck herself.  She was warning me to not take what they say personally.  I remember thinking if my sweet adorable Joron were to ever tell me such I think I'd just die.  Well I didn't.  He emailed me that he was home and hoped to see me.  Then he emailed that he'd hoped to get a "quick response" from me {from someone who takes weeks to respond, ha ha ha the irony is not lost on me} and then he progressed to telling me "I know a girl always has her phone by her" {probably in response to my pissiness towards Spirit the night before in saying I was going to turn off my email} and went on to tell me to lose his contact information, never ever contact him again, and then, drum roll please... he wrote to me to go fuck myself.  You may wonder why in the world The Divine would do such a thing but my guidance has always pushed the envelope with me to desensitize me to FEAR, and this was no exception.  When I can look at those messages, yawn and hit "delete" then it's all good.

Now I only share these things with you so I can drive home just how INSANE all of this is.  None of it is my sweet adorable KIND empathetic dear loving twin soul.  Not the man I knew and loved, the one who planned a play date for me and my son.  Not the same man who is utterly respectful and barely even swears.  No way.  It is totally Higher Will pushing the shit out of me.  Well I calmly responded telling him he needed to come over and see me.  What transpired was the oddest email exchange ever.  It was like I was talking to my Higher Will with Joron as the "channel."  What was happening, I think, is I was being desensitized to the "nonsense" so I could see it for what it really was, fear.  Fear just a wee bit that he really is some "monster" instead of that sweet man I knew which is totally bogus.  The convo began with him poking all my buttons.  Higher Will tussled with all my fears.  We addressed the "it's only attraction" thing and the "I only want to screw you but not talk to you" thing  and the "Let's meet for a drink" thing until my guidance told me NOT to be afraid to talk to him about emotions {I still didn't quite understand what was going on at the time.}  See I was STILL afraid that he doesn't love me and I was being poked with this fear over and over again until I, again, stood up to it.

I had my journal out and I wrote "You always want to hold my hand" and his next message he spoke about wanting to hold my hand.  Then I wrote in my journal about being married, and I called him "My Prince."  In his next email he told me he wanted to make love to me like it was our wedding night and he called me his princess.  Do you see where I am going with this?  Totally not normal, unreal, and not of this dimension.

By the end of the conversation he told me he wanted to come over.  That he loved and adored me and wanted to get my pregnant so my son and me have to go to California and be with him.  I told him I had to go to bed, and he said goodnight-  that he was watching "Game of Thrones" and wanted me to sleep well.  He called me "my future" and asked me to say hello the next day.  We planned to meet that Friday.  He said he was busy for a few nights, was dying to see me, and then... nothing.  I do feel his sweetness near the end was him; he adores me and wants to be with me.  This I know. 

But of course I heard a bunch of nothing.  Nothing.  I was not surprised to be honest with you.  Spirit uses the infernal SILENCE and non-responsiveness to just slay the shit out of my screaming ego.

This entire experience is to push me.  And I mean PUSH me.  My ego is being killed, fast.  I came way too close months back to taking my own life, and before meeting Joron I was drinking way too much, sleeping around, not respecting myself nor being gentle to myself.  I now realize his pushing for us to go get a drink is Spirit's way to kinda reiterate to me not to drink.  Spirit messes with me good, always has.  I must be stronger than I realize, lol.

This is enough for this post.  I will continue in the next one.  Again let me just say- strangest journey ever yet despite the chaos I totally see why I am going through it.  All of this has killed my ego, heightened my resilience and really killed my fears.  I see the world more through unconditional love than ever before, and I would not be here had it not been for falling in love with my Joron.