A Different Perspective: My Take on Twin Soul Separation

This is a good picture for depicting how I feel about my Twin Soul, my Beloved.  In 3D it appears he is "running" but in Spirit he is working so hard to get me to believe in him, in truth, and in Love.  Until I can firmly surrender to the truth my soul tells me, that my Beloved still loves me fully despite appearances, then I am the one turning away- and the more I turn away from him the more he goes quiet.  The more I ignore that he loves me then the more I am "ignored" by his love.  

I can't say I am in love with the Twin Soul process but I do appreciate what it's done for me.

As I've went through this twin soul dance I've been heavily guided along the way so I've digested a lot.  Not always listened to it or liked it but I surely have been taught a lot!  Some of what I've seen, been shown, and experienced for myself flies in the face of much of the information found on the web about Twin Souls/Twin Flames, and it's not the same as what some of the "gurus" teach.  For me the "runner" experience has been... a strangely out-of-this-world experience and it's evolved much differently than what is normally taught about "the runner" {a term I hate and don't use- it's never felt right to me.}  This idea that the runner runs simply because he {I use the gender role he here because it is my experience- my male Beloved was separated from me} is "overwhelmed" from the intense spiritual connection is not true in my case.  In my situation I came to find out that it was my own energy, my own fear, that "pushed" him from me through the orchestration of my soul/Higher Self... so in order to explain things from a little bit different {I don't mean "better" just different} perspective I would like to share my thoughts on the "runner/stayer" dynamic- and I've never chased him so I also avoid the term "chaser."  For us we are simply soul-based unconditional Love for one another.

My Beloved is a balanced individual who was interested in a long-term stable relationship.  He told me on our second date that he was excited to fall in love again, and he'd been single for almost two years after ending a long-term relationship.  He likes being in a relationship, and he is the marrying type.  Throughout this dance we've had some strange reconnection phone calls where miraculously all of the silence disappears and we are together again.  In these moments he always tells me he thinks marriage is like the best thing on earth, being with the one you love all the time.  He just loves commitment and sharing his life with someone special.  He wore his heart on his sleeve and was the epitome of the Best. Boyfriend. Ever.  Sweetie pie galore, and nothing on God's earth will change my golden opinion of him.  You can imagine how shocking it was at first when he up and moved away and then even worse he "shut off" to me weeks later.  It just did not seem possible and all along, despite my fear, it never felt totally "real."  Felt more like I was going to wake up from a rather long and terrifying nightmare than living "real life."

My Beloved did not run because he was "overwhelmed" by the connection or because he was the "less spiritually aware" of the two of us.  He was pulled from me by Spirit because I feared the loss of him greatly.  He was so wonderful and loving, and it scared the shit out of me.  All of my hidden fears of being unworthy, of being forgotten, of being let go easily, of being left behind and emotionally abandoned, festered and roiled inside of me whenever he was not in my presence.  I wear my masks well- I did not show him my fears.  I am a master at disguise; I hid my fear inside by trying to make myself seem as perfect as possible.  I was authentically myself- he did fall in love with the real "me" but I was always trying when with him I didn't need to "try."  He loves me just as I am.  I wrote in my journal all of my fears.  I begged God to not make me have to "let him go" like I'd done with others before him.  I worried that he would want to move back to California and leave me behind like yesterday's news: exciting while it happened but easy to forget; out of sight out of mind.

All along my Higher Self counseled me to have joyful energy, to just bask in the love but I could not listen.  I doubted his love for me big time.  I would not believe in him or his wonderful amazing love.  I would not accept that everything I'd ever asked for in a man had walked into my life upon meeting him... and one day all of my fears started to become very real, and it was all orchestrated from above.

I have to think we have a soul contract together and this was planned.  All of my fears became what felt like, and can still feel like, very real.  He was offered a job and immediately moved away.  Then after moving away, after declaring his love and affection for me- how he wanted a life with me no matter what, two weeks later he totally just shut off emotionally, went quiet and our Twin Soul separation began in earnest.

Since then, a year ago, I've been shown that it is ALL my own energy that shifts my Beloved away from me.  My doubts and fears are blatantly and without fail shoved in my face through communication from him.  In NO way is the quiet and separation due to him being a damn "runner" who can't handle the connection.  It's all a reflection of my own doubtful energy, and it sucks pretty bad.

A while back I called Mel of Golden Twin Flames.  My Beloved and I had reconnected hard core; I thought we were going to reunite.  He planned on coming back to see me.  We talked extensively for hours on the phone for a couple weeks.  He was endearing and sweet and jovial and kind and loving, just like he was when we dated.  But then I started to fear again.  I wore my mask.  He asked me a few questions about myself and I lied in order to hide old stuff I was ashamed of.  If I didn't hear from him "enough" I got scared and inside fought the love he was showing me... and guess what happened?  He totally went quiet again.  For weeks this time.  It was not easy, and it hasn't been easy.  I spoke with Mel and he said, "Oh he's just a runner."

BULLSHIT!  It is shown to me with vivid clarity that it is MY energy that causes the silences and separation, and I do hate it.  I am working to shift it although I really wish my Beloved was simply back in my life as my Love and partner.  I wish to be his one and only, his wife.  I know one day this will be truth, that we will be married.  I know he adores me but as long as I doubt him, doubt the love and instead believe the mirroring that is given to me then we will stay apart.  There is work I need to do, and I know what it is but the energy in general, the situation is all it's unbelievable weirdness, scares the shit out of me at times and then I become stagnant and don't do the work.  For me the work is simply writing about him as Love, as truth.  To relive our times together and bring his essence back to me via journaling; writing is my strength.  Writing, for me, creates my reality.  I KNOW this yet I tend to avoid it because I am scared.  There I admit it- this situation scares me even now, even with all the affirmation that it's totally of my Higher Will, it floors me and I avoid doing my work. 

In the twin soul/twin flame "lore" out there, one thing you will consistently read is that once one begins to accept the situation then it is helpful to put that loving twin soul energy into a "craft" or art of some kind: writing, painting, singing, poetry, etc.  Jennifer Forrest, a twin soul guide, says to use the twin soul as a muse for our creations, and I do believe this is to shift the energy.  Honestly in my situation it is all orchestrated from my Higher Self.  When my Higher Self feels me believing, sees me actually trying, holding on to the love and avoiding the fear, then my twin soul is able to come closer to me.  So if I write and honestly "feel" him again, feel his loving kind self in my heart, he somehow "turns back on" again... and I do feel it is all from Higher Will.  Again, strangest experience ever.

I love this man.  I hope to find a way out of my fear and into solely the Love.  But by God I can tell you this much, my Beloved, for sure, is no "runner."  Instead he is helper and guide, and I will love him forever for helping me come this far.