This mirroring has the possibility of killing me if I allow it to! This entire experience has been so entirely surreal that I am having a hard time staying grounded, and the irony is it's the Law of Attraction at work: wherever I place my energy is what I draw to me. So right now when I am stuck in constantly thinking about these crazy messages I get sent through Joron I am holding on to that energy, creating more silence and more torment.
The reflection has been essential for me to see. I can't deny that I've seen things about myself in the mirror he holds up that I HAD to see; I could no longer run from my drinking: that was a big one. My mother became an alcoholic at 40, and I met Joron at 40. Through him I was shown that the drinking had to stop, and it has. Had I not met him I really don't know where I would be right now, probably struggling, dating people who just suck my energy dry, seeking love in all the wrong places, and not healing. So I know I *had* to meet him, and had to separate from him, in order to get where I am now.
That said- I love him. We had a strong albeit brief love affair that continues even through the separation. It's a total and complete mind FUCK to have someone pop in for a few hours with the strongest purest love and then disappear, not say hello, go quiet for days or weeks at a time. It's been very difficult for me to take, and even now I am at a loss because I don't always understand where to put my energy, what to do. I am not perfect. I am never going to be some spiritual guru. I HATE yoga, and I can't stand meditating. My meditation is what I am doing right now: writing here on my blog. That is my meditation.
Another thing that bugs me is I have very little passion for my art. It's been gone for a few years now, ever since this journey began starting with my first soul mate. I can force it, try to sit down and make some jewelry or melt some glass but the desire is just not there, and I wish it was. Maybe I should just force it and see what happens. I lack inspiration, and fuck ME- it's not easy being "inspired" when the person I fell in love with, who would pop in and out of my life, who is used at this strong spiritual mirror, is no longer "with" me. I am trying to keep my head on straight, keep my house in order, keep my CHILD well-raised, practice increased patience and love with my son and others, and heal- but I don't feel like writing The Great American Novel or "creating." I want to be motherly right now. I feel the most important thing right now is for me to be consciously with my child, and after I am done mothering him- then I am tired and ready for bed.
I'm just damn tired. Damn tired. I am unable to be all positivity and Light all the time. This shit is a challenge. Every. Single. Time I doubt Joron's love for me I am hit with either silence or the eerie strange shit that is sent through him, and I am so DONE with it now. I just hate it. I understand before when I needed to stop drinking, and when my ego was SO loud. I understand... but it can still sting. He told me he was coming home for MONTHS. Months. Then finally he was supposedly here and I feel like it was all one big test. Did I fail? I tried to be so patient, kind... never resorted to being mean but I did feel like I was being ignored, slighted, like he didn't want to see me, like he was holding back from seeing me. All the while I was told to have faith but in the end I called him and pretty much begged him to see me, to not go back to California without seeing me {please don't reject me!} and what did I get, immediately? A fucking stupid email from him, telling me that while I am a "to die for beauty," wonderful person and he loves me- he can't be with me because he doesn't want to deal with my son's father.
That's such utter and complete BULLSHIT. The man I knew would have moved mountains to be with me- unless he was being used as a soul lesson, unless it was divinely orchestrated for him to stay away from me. Listen I am grateful for the healing I've received. I feel I live a very wholesome clean maternal life right now, the life meant for ME- and for a while I really strayed from being "me." I was always a "pure" kinda gal. When I met my ex-husband I'd only had two lovers before him, my ex-finace' who was my first boyfriend, first real kiss, first lover, and the my first husband. But at the end of my marriage I had an affair {which was very loving} but I just fell apart. I started sleeping around, and I did things I am SO not proud of. I made a list the other day of all the men I was physical with from August 2011 through August 2013, two years, and it made me cringe. I went from being more pure to seeking affection in the worst ways possible, lowering myself. Some of them, my three soul mates, were all love. Joron is all love. The rest were flings, filling emptiness, learning lessons and having experiences of what I DID not want, what I do NOT deserve. Stupidity many of them, unprotected sex. Get this: I had to go have an STD test before I met Joron. I started "waking up" from my self-destructive insanity {I once had sex with a stranger on the side of the road- and that would be like Mary Poppins pulling down her knickers to knock boots in a vehicle parked on the side of the road with some random chimney sweeper she met moments before on Plenty of Fish- just not ME, shockingly so! Ugh!} and I knew I needed to make sure I was safe because I hadn't used protection all the time... and Spirit speaks to me in strange ways. I do get my guidance very clearly but my guidance knows there is only so much I will listen to through that "channel," through my pendulum. One night I met a man from Match.com. Had a nice date, very attracted to me, and he came home with me. It was NOT fun. At all. He was kinky and I am not. I am gentleness and love. He BIT me, and it was just an eye-opening experience. Oh my GOD- it was horrid. A terrible experience... but as he was putting on a condom he said to me, "You do always use protection right dear?" And I knew I was being spoken to, reminded not to be self-destructive through having unprotected sex with strangers.
So I had the STD test... talk about mortifying. To go from a limited sexual past to not being able to tell the truth about the number of men I'd had sex with in the last year. Test came out clean, thank God. After that dating became a chore; I met someone and he kissed me and I wanted to barf, total aversion. I was on and off again with a man I loved, a married man, and I knew that had to end too. I finally got to this place where I craved being whole again, or as whole as I could be. I was drinking too much, stressed out with the dating and trying to be someone I am truly not on the inside.
It was like two years of insanity. Total insanity, and Spirit did guide me through and tried to keep me safe but I had to learn my own lessons, and I did. But luckily I did not get hurt, and I could have. I was leaving bars late at night after talking and drinking with strange men. I could have been raped and killed- and I have a friend whose dear friend the same age as me, same name as me, was raped and killed not long ago right near where I live- so it DOES happen. I was not being safe in so many ways, and I have this adorable little boy to take care of. I, of course, did none of this around him, brought no one around him, but still I was putting myself in harm's way.
So sad, isn't it? Just so sad.
Spring of 2013 I was calming down. I had to let go of the married man though, and I really loved him. Actually meeting him slowed me down on the dating, a lot, because I loved him so much that I had no desire to meet anyone else. It's almost like knowing him kept me protected. We had one final moment together, a very loving meeting that I knew would be our last, and I finally said goodbye to him. I wrote in my journal that it had to be over- I was dying inside and I knew he needed to be with his wife 100%, that he'd never leave her; he would never be mine and I wasn't willing to be taking from his wife any longer. As an aside, the drinking. The married man wanted to take me to dinner. I was so freaked out about the idea of going on a "date" with him that I had to drink first. I barely remember the night. So embarrassing to admit. I was drinking way too much, needed a buzz to be falsely brave, be calm, escape, endure.
I told God I was done, ready to be ME again, to stop dating and just be alone for a while, something I'd never been. Alone. But then Joron walked into my life and I thought it was a dream come true... and maybe too good to be true. He was, and still is I'm sure, perfect for me. As one could tell from reading here- I wasn't ready. I needed him to come into my life to shake me up, wake me up, continue to clean me up because as much as I wanted to change and be more pure and healthy- I would still backslide. I'd get the urge to be self-destructive at times. Like one night, before I met Joron, I got that urge to just be "bad" and I'd stopped dating for a while. It's like something takes me over- I get this wild hair up my ass, and I want to be someone I am not, and in a very self-destructive manner. I took a few shots of whiskey, got myself all dolled up, and my guidance told me something I can't remember completely but I was basically warned to NOT disrespect myself, not shit on myself, not put myself in harm's way. I finally took heed and didn't go out catting around; I think I went out for dinner or I stayed home.
I met Joron but was still drinking too much, and I drink at home. I'd stop and buy whiskey- tell myself I'd only have enough to take the edge off but then I'd drink like five shots. Or an entire bottle of wine; my son started associating me with the wine isle at the grocery store. Seriously? Joron didn't know this. I was, of course, well-behaved with him, and honestly I didn't think I had a "problem." I couldn't remember how my son got to bed a few times but I didn't think I had a problem.
We can be blind, right?
I see things clearly, as clearly as I can, but I still get antsy and frustrated. I don't love the lessons. I appreciate what I get from them but I don't love the process. I do love Joron though, and I love myself. I have fears- did I screw up with my energy to the point of really messing this up? I know all about energy yet I still fuck up, still fear, still worry that the mirroring is "him" when I know it clearly is not him. No way. No how. Yet it still hurts- how could it not? But if it is not really him then it should not hurt, right? It is not truth.
I'm cranky today. I love my twin soul and wish he was in my life. I can only be so "transcended" and Light. I am living without him- but I'd much rather live with him. I can't really help that.
It is nice to feel wholesome though. The last man to touch me, kiss me tenderly, make love with me with total affection, respect and care, was Joron. I don't want anyone else- but I also don't want to be alone. I am trying so hard- I really am. I can't help but tell God that I love this man, a lot. Yet if, despite what I am told, we are not meant to be together then please bring me someone just as wonderful as my loving, loveable, wonderful twin soul. Someone I deserve who deserves me too- but this is only if Joron was meant to help me then move on, and I honestly don't think this is the case. I really would just like him back in my life, more than only in spirit and heart.
*sigh* A year ago we were so into each other. I am told that when I doubt- then he doubts. If I wonder, "Does he really love me?" then he is over there thinking, "How could that really have been love?" Ohhhh... it is love. Love does not end Just. Like. That.
No man is going to fall in love, hold out for a year, listen to Spirit over and over, profess love whenever the situation calls for it, through Spirit, think I am wonderful, special and beautiful but allow some stupid reason to keep us apart. If that was true then he'd be a real asshole, and I think this is why he calls himself an asshole, because the more I worry that this is really him, the mirroring, then I am essentially saying I believe he's a douche, and I know he isn't.
I am NOT losing it but I am trying to process. The mirroring isn't easy- but it could be if I just looked past it. But I also wish to hear from him; the silence is worse than the mirroring yet the silence... I dunno. I just don't know. I am tired today, and I look forward to going home and being a mom tonight.
I really look forward to the day when I go home to my family of more than just two. I really do.
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