Believing

 

I am quiet right now.  It's been... interesting.  My life is far from normal.  Not long ago via email my adorable twin soul, this loving kind empathetic man, sent me various emails that would have shocked me had I not already known this "pattern" of having Higher Will channeled through him to ensure I can see and experience what my doubt feels like up close and personal.  

Don't feel good, let me tell ya.

I had talked with a Twin Soul psychic back in November; she was really good.  She immediately knew "secret" information that was used to test me; Spirit, my guidance, used her as a channel to test the shit out of me because I was, well, turning to a psychic for help when I already have my own guidance.

Today I called her again.  Back in November she told me that her own twin soul told her the very same words that Joron sent to me via email.  Unfounded, ridiculous and out of context I still had a few questions for her.  I wanted to know how she handled all of the mirroring in her twin soul union.  The mirroring can be a challenge for me.

She answered, said hello and I told her my name.  She said, "I read for you before.  I remember you."  THEN she stopped short and told me, "Oh love I can't read for you.  I am unable to.  Your Higher Self is so strong that I am not supposed to talk to you."  She told me I am very psychic, something I knew but don't really attribute to myself often.  She said I am only to listen to my Higher Self which is guiding me, get this, for FREE!  Free.  Not $2.99 per minute.  But at no cost.

This God spark is working through me to guide me and keep me on the right path.  I sometimes ask myself why.  Why me?  Me?  Really?  I'm told it is because I am Love.  I mean we all are Love but I LOVE hard, freely and purely.  I guess I make a better channel than I realize.

But this morning I was schooled.  Higher Self reached through that psychic and told me "Seek no further.  I tell you truth.  Listen and follow."  And I am trying.

I am told Joron loves me very much and only part of this journey has been "real."  His silence and the harsh "lacking affection" words are all my doubt and insecurity that he doesn't love me being reflected right back to me through him as my mirror, not real.  Only my reflection.  Yes I already know this, have written about it ad nauseam, and will continue to write about it until it sinks into my thick stubborn skull.

My doubt has been causing me some issues.  I KNOW Joron would never write the words that come my way through him yet I still get wounded and that is all part of the Twin Soul journey, healing enough that it does not hurt.  I've watched him "switch" mid-conversation due to me shifting my own energy.  I have enough proof that I should be all fine and dandy yet still I allow myself to sink, and I don't want to do that anymore because when I doubt his love for me then he either stays silent or channeled through him is my fear.  He stays silent because as my guidance tells me- when I ignore his love then his love ignores me.  If I fail to believe in his love for me then I am not allowed to receive that love; it is kept from me.  I am essentially being mirrored that lack of love.  Talk about a vicious circle!  I also just don't like feeling like this any longer this doubt.

I have to shift it around.  I really do.  I am up against a wall right now, my own walls, and I am not enjoying this.  I love my Twin Soul and I know who he really is- he is Love.  I am told to only concentrate on the love and "kisses" and to totally ignore the silence and "jilted love."  My guidance uses the term "jilted love" to explain how I feel, so wounded, about Joron separating from me in the Twin Soul union.  I was not jilted.  I am being healed.  

I am not drinking at all, never will again.  No more waking at midnight not knowing how I got my toddler to bed, terrified with worry I might find him floating face down in the tub or something because I was stupid and got drunk while he was still awake.  Brutal, huh?  Only Joron's mirroring my SHIT back to me was enough for me to finally become totally sober.  And oh was I told over and over and over and over but it took a really strong harsh "low love high lust" message from him to show me "This is what happens when you let fear overtake you; this is what "no love" feels like," and it feels like... Hell.  Being a slave to the bottle, and a slave to fear, is Hell on earth.  

I love this man, this soul inside its human vehicle.  I love, no adore, both the soul and the amazing little human that allows soul to drive around town, helping to heal me.  He is 2100 miles away and not time nor distance nor scary channeled messages can dim my love for him.  And I love myself too for being such a Champion of Love and for believing as much as I have thus far.

My big challenge though?  To BELIEVE that he honestly loves ME the way I do him.  That he's still here, just quiet.  Orchestrated.  To believe in our future together, the one he so loved to talk about all the time, even during this separation.  The beautiful future I ache for with him. 

I deserve that lovely future.  So does my sweet little son.  It is painful to write about the love but I have to.  Ignoring the love is killing me so the ignoring has to stop.  

Believe.