Before I met Joron I noticed some swan symbolism around me. This picture gives me goosebumps because right smack dab in the middle of my life God gave me a fairy tale. My guidance refers to Joron's love for me as a "Novel Love" and for a long time I thought this meant I HAD to write a book in order for him to come back to me. Luckily at time I *do* like the life of a "writer" and I actually write out my feelings instead of keeping my thoughts all imprisoned inside of me where they then fester and rot. When I don't write out my emotions, transmuting fear into love on the page, then it is only the fear that stays locked inside of me. The love is not allowed to flow. That has been my recent life. Not writing. Allowing fear to overcome me. For allllll I preach here on my blog, despite all I shared on Spiritual Forums, my nemesis... still tussles with me, and my nemesis has been doubt.
Thankfully as I was going through my hardships back in March/April I recorded my messages from Higher Will and I journaled a bit; I can look back to then, God already six months ago, and see that the messages I received from Spirit were similar to now- I've been told the same stuff since Joron left. I just didn't believe it, and I am still finding it hard to dive in and follow instructions. Why? Not because I am defiant. Not because I don't want to heal fully. Not because I don't want to experience his wonderful ooey gooey kissy love again. No, I am still battling with disbelief. This is what Higher Will told me back in April after my fear-energy once again hit him like a ton of bricks and he didn't come home to see me as promised:
"Honey just love him now. "Novel" was to banish bad and create "right words." Your role of writer is protected but inner quest must be known first: inward fears killed, love kissed instead. Help inner mission. Heal mirror and heal him. He is mirror."
I was told I was beginning to feel less longing and more love. I asked if it was wrong to desire him and was told it is not wrong to feel "wedded" to my twin soul. I was also bluntly told, warned, assured that he will ignore his gentle feelings for me in I do not celebrate the healing and only concentrate on "Why is he ignoring me?"
Joron feels all of my fear and doubt; I am beginning to think only when I write through this will either of us get back on track. My own spinning in doubt is given right to him and then he fears. I don't know what he fears but it surely keeps him quiet and doubtful of our love.
I love the song "Miracle" from the movie "Winter's Tale." It is all about the healing of soul mates. This morning I went to listen to it on Youtube and found that someone used a Twin Soul picture to label the video. So of course I am not the only one feeling all this; plenty of us are. Many of us are being Enlightened and healed through our soul mate relationships, and of course through the Twin Soul/Twin Flame union.
I've been through a lot in the last few months; it's a reality that only a rare few would fully believe, understand or accept. I truly am living a fairy tale, and some fairy tales can get pretty Grimm at times. I allowed my doubt and disbelief of his love to escalate. I did not listen to my Higher Will. I questioned Joron when I was supposed to just trust, have faith, accept my healing and love him. And the more I doubted him the more Higher Will worked through him to mirror my fears and doubt back to me.
Dear Reader: please be careful with your doubt. Allow my words, my not-on-purpose inability to listen to my soul help you. In a twin soul union when we doubt that doubt will be kicked back at us, and after a while, once Spirit knows you are no longer a "baby" that needs coddling... once you hit that borderline insolent teen-ager stage, Spirit will begin to mirror fear back to you hardcore so you canNOT deny or escape what is happened to you. You will be forced to see your monsters so they can be fought. In an effort to be very careful with my words and energy all I will say is that through Joron, through his emails, it became clearly evident the energy that I need to heal. If I continue to ignore our future together then he will too. If I continue to doubt his love for me then I will only receive words that reflect a lack of kindness, a lack of love- if I doubt HIM and his loving intention... if I doubt his truth, doubt the truth of the loving man I know him to be then that man is taken away and replaced with my FEAR and it is not a fun mirror to look into. I let it go far and it has been intense. I have a feeling my journey is... not normal, lol. My experiences have been out-of-this-world surreal. If I wasn't living it I don't think I could believe it! I am definitely being shown I must heal all doubt, and I have to believe in his love for me.
The way I am supposed to do this is to write only about the love {and see- I didn't even do that here but at least I am getting some words out!} Despite 3D appearances {those damn emails} Joron loves me. My walls need to fall, badly. Once on the phone he told me that being hurt in love in the past had caused him to put up some walls. When he said it his voice was warm and his intention was sharing, caring, closeness. He told me those walls were small and gone now. But as I look back I know he was also bringing WALLS to my attention. I have the walls and I have to write through them. I can blog and share and "pontificate" and preach what I've learned until I am blue in the face and none of it will help me. What I share is truth: I am living it, believe me. But I don't apply it. I have to write until I feel his love again.
It's all about shifting the energy from fear and doubt to love, and I am having such a block about this! I find it very easy to share my experience but I find it nearly impossible to write about how he loves me. I suppose that shows what I still need to cement in this healing process, hm?
So there is my update. He is still being used as an instrument of divine healing, and I am still working to get my words and feelings out so they can shift. In my heart I know he loves me; it's obvious. The craptacular words that get slung at me are SO over-the-top, so insane, and such a mirror for me to see my issues loud and clear that the messages are pretty fucking ridiculous. It's a strangely miraculous situation to literally watch, experience, Spirit channel through someone so strongly. Later though I let ego flare up and I think from a wounded perspective STILL after all of this proof that it is of Spirit: that is how strong my brain can be, my mind that tries to twist all my truth around.
I am so ready to be past all this, on track ready for those walls to fall and hearts to melt. So wish me luck. Take care.
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