My Love

I am so in love.  And overwhelmed, and my life is just so not like many other people I know.  And I know my love loves me with all his heart and this separation is orchestrated by Soul/Higher Self in order to show me the importance of my intention, energy, thoughts and vibration.  Still it's heartbreaking to me because I am not physically with my Love, and I have not heard from him in a while.  It's been three months since we talked on the phone, and I miss his voice.

Last year this time was over-the-top.  We'd had one weird spirit-lead argument and a mini-separation then a reconciliation.  We had our amazingly dreamlike date in the city, and then a year ago today my Love emailed me all day long from work.  On and off we chatted, and he wrote some really strange things.  One message he asked if we died and went to heaven together would we spend our eternity together in heaven loving each other {and he is Atheist.}  He shared a sexual fantasy with me, nothing less than sweet with a dash of excitingly naughty- one lover opening his heart and mind to the other- and for some reason my response to him did not go through.  He got worried that he upset me, like his words were disrespectful.  I wrote back and reassured him that I was fine.  His words were sweet and I was glad he was comfy enough to share with me.  Oddly enough he did not get that email either but he got all the rest.  He wrote back an hour later even more freaked out because I still hadn't responded to his attempt to share his fantasy with me.  I finally had to forward what I'd written hours earlier, twice, to make sure he actually got the message.  I didn't want him freaking out that he'd hurt my feelings or disrespected me.  He did get it that time and wrote back, relieved, that he'd received it and was glad I felt the same as him.  He always let me know he was not in it for the sex but because he loved me.  That is why he waited for me like he did... because he is special.  And so am I.

After writing back and forth all day he text me later that night.  Maybe we talked too.  I don't remember.  I do know he said goodnight about midnight telling me he could see this advancing to marriage in the future.  He called me "Blue Moon *****" {my real name} and then I fell asleep.

Then about a half hour later he sent me the oddest string of text messages.  He wrote things like, "I'm so sad you don't love me anymore.  I love you so much.  You should learn how to accept love.  I thought we were going to be married and together forever.  Is it just in your nature to hurt?"  They were misplaced, totally surreal, and did not seem like him at all.  The next morning he wrote and said, "I text you last night.  I was just bored and tired and wanted to see if you were awake" but still they didn't even "feel" like him.

Then after feeling so anxious all morning I got the message later in the day that he was offered a job in California, was on his way to the airport, and he was moving away.  Just. Like. That.  Biggest fear ever was made manifest and shoved right in my face.  He was leaving me.  I'd begged God in my journal to please not make me have to let him go and here he was- leaving me, and way earlier than we thought he may have to months down the road.  I won't ever forget that moment for as long as I live, and it was the beginning of the strangest experience of my life.

Fear and Love.  I am battling fear.  I am supposed to believe the love, mother the love, be one with the love, own the love.  Know the love.  And I do... but sometimes it can be hard after all this crap that is mirrored back to me.  I have been terrified that this man does not love me.  He "shut off" just weeks after moving away, and since then it has been one wild ride of ups and downs, silences and talking, total divine orchestration... all while trying to stay sane.  The more I fear he does not love me- the more I am shown a coldness from him.  If I ignore the fact that he loves me, ignore his love, then he shows me no love.  And it sucks.  It literally has sucked the life out of me, and it is all my own fearful energy being shoved back at me in order to heal me of my fears and worries.

So now I sit here battling to believe in his love.  The same sweet amazing love he showered me with for the few months I knew him.  We loved each other before we even met.  I would have married him at week two.  I miss him so much I could puke... and yes I do have to pound out on here what I remember about him.  Hey- it's been a year.  A year is a long time to be away from someone.  And all along the way "he" has been orchestrated from above, a bit like a puppet.  Yes I said it- like a PUPPET.  There is no way on God's green earth the man I knew could send me what he does unless he is being used from above to show me things I can not ignore, and the only way to ensure I do NOT ignore them is to filter them through my Love.

I guess I am being healed of my tendency to ignore love.  Oh I love.  I love hard.  But I ignore when others love me, especially men.  I doubt, and I am told that doubting love kills love.  Right now I feel like I killed my love.  I doubted and doubted and doubted until I had to get hit soooooo hard with my doubt that now I must believe and have faith despite appearances.  I know in my heart he loves me.  Love does not fade in a weekend, or a month, or even a year.  We talked for hours on the phone throughout this separation, and he was always my sweet dear love every time we talked.  God my Love how I miss you!  I miss you to the depths of my soul, and I DO know who you are.

You are that cute little scientist who sent me all the Symphony of Science videos, the ones for me and my son to watch {and that reminds me that you did send me the link to have my son watch... I forgot that.  It was when we reconnected strongly, only when I believed in you again.}  You are that sweet man who brought me little gifts, signs of your caring, each time you came over.  No one had ever done that for me before.  You are the caring person who planned that play date for me and my son, took us out together even though you totally didn't have to.  Same man who told me Tiger Woods was standing next to him and all you could think about was your girlfriend.  Same man who was at the boats with his friends texting me about all the couples there and how you wished you were with your girlfriend instead of being stuck on the boat with the guys.  Same guy who freaked out upon taking the career move that would send you away from me... and told me you wanted to take a leap of faith to be with me.  Marry me.  Have a child with me.  Be a step-daddy to my son.  Same man who said I deserve to be happy now and treated well, how you want to adore me while I am pregnant, treat me like the princess I am.  Same man who waited weeks to make love with me but who was content to hold me close, talk with me, snuggle and make out like teens instead.  Closeness yet you desired me in a big way.  Same man who... wanted to pleasure me over and over and over again, insisted on it even when I was ashamed of my body and embarrassed.  Same man who told me repeatedly that we'd have to make love every night once we were together.  Every night, without fail.  Same man who was the first one to take your kid nieces and nephews fishing, who was the lifeline for your troubled niece, same man who had his brother and young kids living in your home... same man who wrote me the long message about the state of our world.  Same man who has that tiny little fuzzy poodle you love so much, the one with the cutest name ever.  Same man who brought me organic beef and home made food.  Who agreed to attend a family picnic with me after not even two weeks, who was charming and friendly and so so so kind to my son.  You brought him little gifts too, those two big suckers- the kind they sell at the check out line of the grocery store, really big and round and all different kinds of flavors.  Pop Rocks.  My son still mentions you when he sees Pop Rocks!  You gave him those colored golf balls after you took us mini golfing.  I remember you digging around in your trunk to find them for him.  I have two of them put up because they remind me of you.  Everything reminds me of you.  The night sky does so I can never escape being reminded of you; you are everywhere.  In my mind, my soul, my blood, my breath.  In the beating of my heart... you are there in every pulse.

Many would read this and say I am obsessed but I am not.  I am in love with the best man I've ever met, ever.  Hands down.  And my life is not complete without you in it, and I am so tired of being afraid of you due to what is shown to me through you.  I have experienced so many lessons through you.  Some have been very painful, and some hard to believe- but they are my truth.  Somehow God uses you to speak to me, and often the words are not fun but they are also not easy to ignore.

I wish I would not have doubted to much but the past is the past.  All I can do now is try really hard to realize fully that the fearful stuff is all of Higher Will, and the Love is all, and only, you.  I miss my boyfriend.  So much.  I just love you my little Atheist scientist.  I hope you are well... but I want to talk to you again.  I want to hug you.  I am so sad to be without you, and I can't deny that.  It's not right without you.  Just not right.  No matter what happens I will never believe it is right without you in my life.  We are meant to be together, married, a family: you, me and my son... plus our baby.  I dream of hearing you say, "Will you marry me?"  I long to have you in my arms again, gazing into my eyes with those sexy glittering baby blues.  Sometimes I love you so much I feel I can't possibly take it... but I go on.  Just know I love you, and despite my fear and racing ants mind I know you love me and always have.  I KNOW damn well this has all been orchestrated from above to scare the shit out of me so I would wake up and face my damn fears.  Hard to ignore fear when it turns into a real-life monster that comes up in your face to scream BOO!  "How do I feel?!"  Fear sucks.  Doubt is not fun.  I only want your love.  I love you so so so much my Love.  I really really want you back with me.

Just know I love you and I want you to be my future.

Blue Moon Love

XXOO