Just My Heart...

If anyone is still reading my blog then just know this post is just my heart.  Nothing to teach or guide.  It is just me purging what I feel inside of me right now.

A year ago this weekend my Beloved planned a play date for me and my son.  I had asked him if he wanted to get together.  It was a Saturday.  I told him I would plan a sitter for the evening and we could go out.  He apologized but said he had a guy party planned already and it was "just dudes."  I was cool with that, never been one in my older years to get jealous when my guy wants to go out on his own.  He contacted me later and said the party did not start until 5PM so he could get together with me in the morning and early afternoon.  He told me not to get a sitter, that we would spend the morning together with my son.

This is one of the most bittersweet memories for me!  It is the one truth I can always go back to that shows me who Joron really is.  I've been put through so much, just so much, in this twin soul experience.  More than most people would be able to take.  Only working with my guidance and really seeing the cause and effect between us, the instant mirroring, has kept me from running away entirely or forgetting who he really truly is, which is Love.  That day a year ago was so sweet.  He came over and we put my son's car seat in his little two-door black stick shift.  It felt so cozy and right to be driving around together like that, with my son in the back seat asking Joron questions while I just marveled... marveled at how this is just what I wanted.  I love him so much, just so much!  I am in pain right now.  It is not a horrible pain, not suffering.  I just love this man so much, and I want to be with him in all ways now.  I miss the time we spent together and I really just want to share my life, and my son's life, with him.  He is so fabulous- has to be if God chose to use him to help heal me... only someone special could play that role.

He planned to take us to a little Greek fest that is a few towns away; about a half hour drive.  We got there and it was so funny- it was a room full of old Greek people, food and a few vendors.  I bought us all lunch and we had chicken dinners, lol.  I remember my son wanted my bread and I wouldn't give it to him only because he didn't need another piece of bread; I wanted him to eat some chicken.  Joron said, "Well he can have my bread."  So sweet- I explained that my son didn't need any more bread, that he'd eat bread until it was coming out of his nose if he could.  My son was well-behaved and Joron was his normal happy yet tender self.  We walked around and looked at the vendors, bought some pastries and as we were sitting there eating a piece of cake Joron looked at my son and said, "Would you like to go feed some alligators?"  I looked at him quizzically and he smiled and told me there was a play land close by and he thought it would be nice if we took my son to play.  Joron is an avid golfer and he said we could teach PJ how to golf.  And there were baby alligators there to feed along with other fun stuff.  I think that was one of the best moments of my life actually- he'd already researched where he could take us to have a fun time.  He wanted to be good to me and my son.  It was like a dream come true for me.  It might sound all fluffy or pathetic to someone reading this but Joron is... perfection to me.  Everything I've ever asked for in a man, everything I deserve, and my son. 

It was so cute.  I can remember vividly the experience.  We did feed the alligators with these little fishing poles that held alligator food.  My son and Joron did this together and it made my heart melt.  My GOD seriously one of the happiest moments of my life, and I would love to have more moment with him like that, wonderful man with my loving son.  I had to go get more food and he said he was fine to stay with my son... and the sight of the two of them hanging out together, well it is not something that can be faked.  That man, that sweet wonderful human being, could not "shift" on his own to be the lesson that has been given to me through Spirit since he's been gone from me.  I know this.  It can still hurt, and being separated from him does not feel good.  I can't lie and say I am okay with being separated in the physical from my Beloved.  That man is meant to be my future, and I want that future to begin RIGHT NOW.

We also went miniture golfing that day.  Ugh... just now I was crying, as I write this.  My son asked me why I am crying- once in a while I do cry in front of him although it is not often.  There is no hiding that I love this man, a year later or not.  My son said, "Do you miss J {his real name} mom?"  I cried and said yes, yes I do.  I love him and miss him and I can't really hide that fact.  My son said, "I like him mom.  He took me to feed the alligators and he showed me how to golf."  Joron paid attention to my son.  He paid attention to me.  He made me a priority, and he included my son.  He planned something fun for us together which is more than I can say for the man I was married to, and I am not trying to be mean but the contrast is just bittersweet.  I miss Joron's truly honest and genuine heart and character.  We golfed and had such a good time.  Then we took my son over to this huge inflatable slide that was unlimited fun.  We paid to get in so the slide was free.  My son went up and down that slide about one hundred times!  And Joron was so patient.  Not bored, simply happy to sit next to me in a lawn chair, hold my hand and watch my son.  It was the perfect late-September day as we sat enjoying the joy emanating from my son and from each other.  Again, perfection for me.  Joron- he was just like six years of sweetness squeezed into six weeks.

How I only knew the man in the flesh for only six weeks seems impossible to me- we seem to have shared so much love and experience in only six weeks.  We ran the gamut from getting to know each other to wanting to be married.  And it turned out to be a "twin soul" experience.  I look back at that day at the fun land and I pray, I just pray from the bottom of my heart, that days like that with Joron, me and my son will be my future.  I am having a difficult time being separated from him, and I don't mean every day living.  My every day life is find.  Bills are paid, house is clean.  Dinners made.  I take careful notice of being the best most loving mom I can be.  Knowing Joron, this twin soul union, definitely forced me to "see the Light" in more ways that one.  I had to become conscious of protecting my energy.  I had to stop drinking and smoking and wanting to disrespect myself.  I had to own up to my "Winter of Purity" which was the most terrifying winter ever for me because I was scared my Beloved had just ran off and left me.  LEFT ME.  After sharing so much with me, being so loving and caring and truly a dear sweet man, speaking my dreams to me... and when he appeared to just cut me out of his life I wanted to die.  It nearly killed me.  Worst feeling ever but little by little it was shown to me that it was all a facade through Spirit to force me to face my monsters.  I can't deny that it's weird.  Not many believe me or can understand.  I tend now to just deal with it myself although I still have a deep ache inside at the absence of him in my life.  I do have my son, and I love him SO so much!  We spend tons of quality time together but I would really like the addition of Joron in my life.

We spoke of marriage and having a child together.  I just want the universe, God, Spirit, my soul to know just how much I want Joron as my future.  I read a lot about "Letting Go."  It seems most of what is out there about twin souls talks about letting go.  On SF it's all about "How do I let go?"  And here I am constantly told to LOVE HIM and know the truth about him.  I am NOT told to let go- never have been.  The only thing I have been told to let go of is the fear that he does not love me.  I am coming to understand that in my twin soul journey I am specifically told to NOT let go. 

I asked my spiritual mentor and dear friend why that is.  I asked her why I am being told to hold on, to dream, to not release him.  She said it is because it has always been my tendency to run from my dreams, to run away.  To be so afraid of being forgotten and not loved that I will shelter myself, pull away, force it somehow- push the energy away even when I love someone so much.  I learned how to let go with "My Three."  I loved three married men, consecutively, before I met Joron.  Judge me how you will- it happened.  I did not think my life would bring me to ever cheating or loving another woman's husband but I did- three times.  And each time I had to love and let go with dignity and grace and unconditional love, and I did the best I could.  I loved them all, wanted the best for them, and went out of my way to protect their privacy and lives.  But I could not help falling in love with them, and they were all three soul mates.  Even their names were similar!  Lessons galore, and pre-healing.  Believe me- had I met Joron first, without those pre-twin soul soul mates, we would never have made it to me believing, at all, in this surreal situation.  I would never have been able to "let go" of freaking out, of disbelief, had I not met my three married soul mates first.

So I've already been through the letting go process.  I chose three men who could safely love me but not have to choose me because they were already married.  There was no... fear of "Will he choose me or not?" because they were unable to choose me.  With Joron it was terrifying because he was single, and adorable.  He had a choice to be with me or not, and I was so scared he would choose to leave me.  I found a journal from when we dated, exactly a year ago right now.  It is painful to read back and see just how scared I was that this man would stop loving me, that I would have to LET HIM GO like I did the others. 

My poor little wounded self.  I cry for her.  I cry for me.  I cry for... my heart.  I know I have learned so much, and I am thankful.  Don't think I am not.  My God I was drinking myself to death.  I would not SEE- would not listen.  I would not follow my guidance that told me constantly to please live with joy not fear.  I was given every message and every sign to live without fear but I could not do it.

We had this wonderful day at the play land.  I watched Joron and my son walk together like big and little.  Joron was so... in love with my little man already.  He smiled as he watched my son be joyful, and it tickled him.  I love that man so much!  On the drive him I was so content, so happy.  We got home and I wanted to kiss him so bad!!!  He was dropping us off about 4:30 and we were standing in the front yard.  I tried to sneak in a kiss... my soul ached to wrap my arms around his adorable neck and kiss his face off... but little man just stood there staring at us.  LOL- it was a cute moment.  Joron was so shy and funny.  He looked at little man, broke off his kiss and laughed, told me he'd talk to me later.  I thanked him and spend the rest of the day on cloud nine.

And then what happened?  Gosh I was just floating... but then two days later I decided to drink.  I remember this perfectly.  I am not sure if I saw Joron in between our play date and this night but I drank wine.  He was out with his buddies.  We'd text that night and I wrote to him via email.  I remember sitting here on the couch listening to the song "Same Love" and thinking of him.  Later he text me and asked me if I wanted to talk to my "drunk boyfriend."  He'd had a few too while he was out, but Joron didn't drink much.  He was always cute when he drank.  I think I was actually drinking while we were talking.  I seem to remember that I was.  Somehow I snapped on him.  We were talking about something... he had spoke about his ex-fiance' and I think that bothered me.  Then we were discussing religion and I got all uppity.  Defensive.  Scared.  He said something and I started getting loud.  I vividly remember his sweet soft voice saying, "Honey, honey... calm down..." but I got really pissed off {the alcohol helped believe me} and I said, "Don't you call me honey" and I hung up on him.  I loved when he called me honey, and I'd do just about anything for him to call me honey again {oh the things we take for granted!}  Well that moment spiraled into my first taste of what a twin soul union is all about.

I could not get him back on the phone.  He "shut off" in a way, and it terrified me.  I had behaved badly and I knew it, and I was frantic.  We emailed all night, slinging shit back and forth to each other, up all night.  Oddly enough he was always very respectful and understanding of my spirituality but at this time he was just "not himself."  One thing I've always prided myself on is my intelligence, and... well we just slung a lot of shit that night but the worst was that he mentioned that suddenly he just didn't know how he felt.  Spoke my worst fears- that he needed a few days away from me to see how he felt without me- could he stand being away from me?  He made it sound like yesterday he loved me but now suddenly the feeling was gone- and it SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

I ended up at this place I go to when I need to think.  I sat out on the pier overlooking the water and I prayed so hard.  I told God I was sorry for freaking out on Joron in the first place, and that I would appreciate him.  I prayed, "Please please let him tell me he loves me and can't be without me."  And over the course of two days of me freaking the fuck out he finally "turned back on," told me he couldn't stand being without me {verbatim my prayers to God} and ended up coming over.  We made up- he walked in looking so sad.  Apologized.  Embraced me.  Told me we were not going to talk about religion any more, not now.  And the irony is I could give two shits about religion.  I couldn't care any less.  All I care about is Love, being healed and whole, and knowing the truth.  I care about my son and myself, and I do care enormously about this wonderful man, my Beloved Joron.

Sometimes I don't know what to think about the twin soul phenomena.  There is such a pattern to it all.  Joron's last message to me said he loves me, thinks I am wonderful, but that he "can't do it."  Stupid reason- my son's father.  So dumb... it's totally of Spirit, mirroring my doubt about Joron due to all of this INSANE mirroring.  But he said that one thing that Spirit uses a lot in these unions- "Maybe we can still be friends?"  There is SUCH a pattern to twin souls/twin flames.  Sometimes I think it is just all orchestrated by Spirit.  One specific person is chosen before coming to earth- do we share a soul?  I don't know.  Maybe.  But these people are special to us, and to ensure we figure out WHAT they are- the situation follows such a strong pattern that once we begin to search we find "twin souls" and we begin to learn what we are supposed to.  It's all just so... planned.  Orchestrated.

I am thankful that I have some idea what is happening to me, to us.  I am thankful that I am CLEAN.  I have not dated since I met him, and while I do get tempted once in a while I plan on staying single until I know I have given it my all.  I am not throwing in the towel.  I will soon have a strong love in my life, as in my life: a grown adult man in my life as my Love and partner.  I want Joron with us so much, sharing a life.  He is just a dear person, and we are perfect together.  But I do not have control over the situation, and sometimes that is not easy to accept.  I get a little frustrated not hearing from him.  We knew each other this time last year.  We shared some wonderful times together, he and I.  I just adore him... and I dream of sharing a life with him.

I can see clearly in my mind Joron holding our child.  I can actually see him wearing our baby, lol.  He'd be the type of no-holds-barred daddy who would totally wear a baby slung on his chest.  I can envision this perfectly.  We spoke of a baby together and he told me he really wants that.  This entirely surreal email communication we shared a few weeks ago also lead up to discussing making a baby together.  I want a child with that man pretty much more than I want anything else- a life together, creating a life together: me, Joron, my son and another baby.  It's what I want, and I truly believe that Joron wants that too.

One night while talking I asked him if he still wanted a child.  He said yes and asked me if I did too.  I said of course.  We'd have these strange phone conversations where we spoke our dreams, Spirit allowing us a moment together once I got my energy under control, when I believe and FELT him again- then he'd come forward, the real him, and we'd reconnect.

Can anyone really understand how... dreamlike these situations are?  My Beloved will pop in and out based on my energy- he mirrors my fears back to me and my GOD has it hurt at times!  I've been forced to look past the reflection and know the real him, and that has been the hardest part of this journey.  But I know... even in this last strange communication we had he kept saying, "But that's not really me.  I am still the man you knew."  Then in the next breath he would call himself an asshole and the only thing I can think is the more I worry that he doesn't love me, that this quiet and seeming "rejection" is actually him then it's like I am saying he is an asshole, and I don't feel that way at all.  I can't really associate the words that come from his email address and coming from his heart or intention.  I just can't; it's too eerie and strange and always in response to my disbelief and doubt. 

I see clearly what has happened.  I was in fear when we dated.  My fear was mirrored back to me in his leaving me.  My "monsters" became real so I could start waking up and owning truth.  I am worthy and memorable.  I'm highly loveable, and when people fall in love with me they remember me forever.  This man did not want to leave me; Spirit planned it that way and Joron listened.  A week before he shut off from me he was sending me pictures of himself, one holding a sign that read, "I love you" that he'd hand-written.  We spent hours on the phone.  He told me he was afraid he'd lose me!  He wanted me to reassure him that he was not going to lose me... well, I don't want to lose him.  I love him so much. 

When my energy pushed him away again in March I don't think I ever fully recovered from being promised I'd see him again and then he went quiet.  It was, again, a mirroring experience through my soul yet I had a really hard time seeing it as such.  We managed to reconnect after weeks of silence but still I could not entirely come to grips with "It's of Spirit."  I fretted over his responses and the more I fretted the more quiet he'd be {and I didn't have to say a word- it's all energy.}  I listened to the people on SF WRONGLY push me to question him, to "stand up for myself" and when I questioned him instead of listening to my soul each and every time I would be tested.  And it sucks.  I wish I would have just listened to my soul all along, held on to the 5D I was being shown, and ignore the base fearful reactions of those stuck in ago and 3D.  Not that I am judging because I get stuck there too but I listened to "humanity" over Spirit and it did me no good.  None.  I felt I was not a proiority to him because I would not hear from him often.  I was upset that he only contacted me at night... and the next time we talked he wrote to me that all he'd been doing was drinking and golfing- a direct reflection of my fears of not being a priority.  UGH!  It has been so inescapable, the mirroring.  The night I asked to speak to him JUST because I wanted to question him- he tested me.  And it's so strange how Spirit works through him but isn't that what telepathy is?  The more I doubted, the more I questioned, the more I was hit with my fears, and I would like that to be done now.

I'm not sure what else to say.  I love Joron and really hope to reconnect with him soon but I do know it is orchestrated and manuevered through soul right now.  I called a pyschic not long ago and was told Higher Self is guiding me now so I need to just surrender.   All I can do is try to be the best person I can be, Love.  Trust.  Know that he loves me despite what 3D shows me.  OMG the last few email corrospondences have been surreal.  Ridiculously insane to where there is no way they can even be believed.  I got messages from him one night when he was supposedly "home" and when I didn't respond because I was sleeping {but had just been bitching at Spirit, being a real asshole inside myself because I had not heard from Joron} he sent me the stupidest shit- like totally unreal.  He went as far as to tell me to go fuck myself, to get rid of his contact information, and to never contact him again.  He wrote, "Don't you ever contact me again!"  SO STRANGE.  He then went on to say "You could have had me forever had you responded tonight but you're ____ that's why."  It made no sense, and he didn't input a word into the blank because he couldn't.  Universal Law I think- I am a good woman with pure intentions and a loving heart.  There is nothing bad the man can say about me, being my mirror all he can do is mirror back to me my fear and doubt about HIS FEELINGS FOR ME.  I am not an asshole so he can't say anything negative about me.  I'm a good person and all he ever tells me is "You are wonderful."  He even told me he loves me... but he said he can't do it.

And I get it.  The more I feel like we have no future together, the more I want to let go, the more I doubt his love and desire to be with me, the more I fear I am not the one he wants despite all the love he showed me and continued to show me even during this twin soul separation, the more I will now get mirrored back to me "This can't happen."  The more I feel it can't happen the the more he either feels it can't for whatever reason, or else he somehow shows it to me via channeling.

I do feel that he channels; there is no other way to explain it.  The man I knew would not be able to write the things he does to me unless it was coming through him instead of from him.  I know many people would read this and say to me, "You are just making excuses" or I would be told I am in denial.  But you know that moment in an Awakening where you are forced to own your own truth?  Yeah- that's where I am.  This man came to my home repeatedly and was a gem.  A gentleman.  He brought me gifts every time!  Once it was a box of European cookies, you know the cookies I mean.  From an ethnic deli- strange language on them, something Slavic, thin crispy wafers with some kind of chocolatey goodness nestled in between the multiple layers of wafers.  They were SO tasty.  Or he'd bring a candy for my child; suckers or Pop Rocks.  Once he brought me a hard back copy of the "Hitchhiker's Guide to The Universe" collection- just because he'd asked me if I'd read it and I said no.  Being one of his favorites he went out to the bookstore on his lunch that very day and brought me the book and a chocolate bar, Fannie May.  He waited so patiently to make love with me.  He talked about it, shared with me how much he looked forward to it because being so kissy and sweet he knew it would be amazing, and it was.  And he was so damn sweet and kind and loving and... right.  Perfectly right for me.  THAT MAN could not revert to what is shown to me through him as a channel.  I know how my guidance works.  Way before I met Joron my guidance has thrust my fears into my face in order for me to face them down, and this is what happens through Joron too. 

So for those who may read this and think I am trying to convince myself... this is partially true.  I am owning my truth via my words.  In my mind I go back and forth, and it's so glaringly of Spirit that it is silly for me to even consider it to be any different.  So many out-of-this-world things have been shown to me, so many perfectly timed messages to show me to stop drinking and fearing, that I can't doubt.  I need only know that my soul is in charge of all of this.  And what I have to say is that I pray from the bottom of my heart that we are able to reach out to each other again soon.  Where others are working on letting go- I am here working towards reunion.

I read these stories of twin souls behaving badly and I know if I had no idea of what was happening to me that I would believe Joron turned into a monster.  I feel for those who can't see past the mirroring.  It's not been easy for me but one thing I know for sure- I know who he is.  That adorable jovial little Atheist Geologist who wears his heart on his sleeve.  Who fell hard in love with me.  Who waited to make love with me until I was good and ready but in the time being he cherished just being in my presence.  Before we made love he'd text me and tell me how he couldn't stand being away from me, how he was longing to see me again.  And it was all genuine.  He got nothing from me but my presence- and he was so thrilled with JUST ME.  Just talking to me, kissing me.  Nothing more.  That, for me, is perfection.  A true gentleman and nothing, noone, not even the worst mirroring, can can change my opinion of him.

Love me... I do know he loves me.  We've been back and forth with each other and in the times when my energy allows his truth to shine through he's always crazy in love with me again.  Like a man freed from prison for a few hours to revel in the beauty of sunlight- he goes out of his mind with love for me... but I didn't understand and it scared me.  Now I'd just like to be back together with my love.  I don't know how or when this will happen but writing my truth, his truth, feels really good.  We were together this time last year and my heart aches for my love, my boyfriend, my friend.  I can't look at the sky or see the show "Cosmos" or watch "Symphony of Silence" videos without crying because I do love him so much and I would love him back in my life.  I want that future with him, and I believe it can happen, that is should happen.  We are better together than we are apart.

I might have to break down and write to him.  I am not sure.  I am having a hard time keeping this all inside.  I just know that he only responds when he's supposed to so I've stayed quiet.  Been trying to take it all in...

LOL- my friend and I walk the same path, a close friend of mine.  We think she may have met her twin soul, or definitely some strong soul mate.  She met him a week ago and it's intense.  She wrote something in her journal, "I am a delicate flower and do not want to be crushed."  He came over, no shit, looked her in the face and deliberately said to her, "I am a delicate flower and do not want to be crushed."  She said if it had not been for me having my experience she would have freaked out.  He flat old told her he doesn't know how she is doing it but SHE is doing this to him.  He adores her already, and she says that at times it is like "something" takes him over and speaks through him.  I saw this with Joron but mainly via email.  He did channel a few times when we were together, especially when he asked me if I'd ever cheated on my husband.

It is of Spirit but the love is real.  We do create our own futures.  I can see this happening in my own life, and I have been afraid to practice manifestation as it pertains to Joron.

This man, my Beloved, is my future.  He is going to marry me.  He loves me fully.  He and I will have another child together, and he misses having me in his life.  He dreams about sharing time with me, and soon we will be together soon.

I love him with all of my heart, and I have to believe now.  My blog, for anyone who continues to read this, for now will have to shift to me manifesting my future.  I love Joron and know he is meant to be back in my life.  I must nurture our love now.